STORY
Continuity ~
Mutant_Lorenor ~ (7/10) You carried forward almost flawlessly from your previous thread, The Dawns' Hate. However, you did not mention too much about what ended you up in this postion, and what you did mention wasn't spaced out quite well enough.In particular, I'd have liked to hear more about the mysterious third-party from this last encounter without having to read the other thread. It doesn't have to be much, but enough to let the reader know what happened to some decent degree.
Taskmienser ~ (5/10) You're a Warrior within the Dajas Pagoda, and... that's all she wrote. You provide a good bit of information about the Order of Ai'bron inside the Pagoda, and how they serve an almost subservient role between themselves and the Citadel. Some mention of who Task had to beat in order to gain the Warrior Rank would have been nice.
Setting ~Mutant_Lorenor ~ (5/10) You make up for in Continuity for what you lose in Setting. You've left out a lot of things that could have used some explaining, though your use of the surroundings to manipulate the attacks of your opponent and yourself. You play it well, but lack the more detailed orientation that Task presides over withing his own posts.
Taskmienster ~ (8/10) You describe your setting well enough, and use it to great effect. For this, I applaud you, and you do an almost flawless job working on the setting. While it could have been done better, it would not have been by much. There are very few things I can find that are wrong with this whole thing. Overall, very well done.
Pacing ~
Mutant_Lorenor ~ (6/10) You kept the battle going, but you tended to slow it down a lot during some of the more intense scenes. You described things in detail, showing how the battle seemed to slow down for Lorenor during some of the hardest parts of the battle. However, it would seem that there were some things better left out, for the sake of pacing more than anything else. You go through a lot of descriptive text between and during each move played in this battle, and sometimes it kills the pacing of the thread.
However, this is not a bad thing, since the near-death condition Lorenor was left in could be attributed to him feeling, seeing, and hearing everything more intensely, and thus giving the illusion of time moving more slowly for him.
Taskmienster ~ (7/10) You kept the battle moving relatively quickly, and kept the internal and external monologue only to the most suitable times. This is your strong point. However, there are a few areas where you seem to stretch the action sequence on for no apparent reason. If you could work on keeping the heavier story elements out of otherwise fast-paced scenes, you'd score remarkably well in this area.
CHARACTER ~
Dialogue ~Mutant_Lorenor ~ (5/10) This isn't one of your better areas. Lorenor talks... a lot. During battle, that is paramount to getting yourself killed. However, it was the switch between the older common tongue and the new that really threw this thread off. Lorenor switched his style of talking in the middle of the battle for no apparent reason at all. This is not to say he didn't have a reason. It's just that there wasn't one that I could see. If you had noted, perhaps, that it seemed Taskmienster's character was confused by his dialect, I could have let it slide, but you didn't. In the future, it might do best not to forget those little details, as we know how exceptionally detail-oriented you usually are. As a side note, if he didn't care how he talked, it might have been better to leave it in the fashion he usually speaks. But that's just this one humble Judge's opinion.
Taskmienster ~ (7/10) Very straightforward, with a vocabulary sharp as a diamond-edged sword, Ethan's words are very cruel sounding, with a hint of devil-may-care in his attitude. This is very fitting with his character, and his voice seems to be that of reason when surrounded by a world of madness. He speaks only when spoken to, and tends to have a bit of a sadistic, “I don't give a fuck” attitude. It fits with the character very well, however, and I enjoy reading it as I ever have. You keep the dialogue to a minimum, and when you do include it, it's always toward the point of the battle, pushing it along in nearly invisible ways. Overall, well done. There was only one case where you over-talked. If you care to know what it is, drop me an IM and I'd be more than happy to tell you.
Action ~Mutant_Lorenor ~ (8/10) A cornered monster, beaten half to death, and thrown to the dogs of the Dajas Pagoda, the Warrior Caste. He fights like a ravaged beast, but with a clarity of thought that can only be proclaimed as the culmination of years of fighting experience and a soul-crippling madness, which is Lorenor's most sincere embodiment. Almost all of the actions Lorenor takes reflect the madness within him, switching between a cool and collected mentality to a full-on bestial style of fighting. It is almost beautiful to behold. This is by far your best area. You performed admirably.
Taskmienster ~ (8/10) You did very well in this regard, as well. You kept him cool and methodical all the way till the end of the fight. He used the clock tower to great effect, keeping his opponent lost within the maze that is the inner workings of such a magnificent structure, and using his knowledge of his own design, he was able to utilize the tower not only as a defense, but also as a practical weapon. “Knowledge of the terrain is only half the battle. One must know how to utilize it.” And Ethan does exactly that. I applaud the effort and the end result.
Persona ~Mutant_Lorenor ~ (7/10) Lorenor had been beaten to a pulp, thrown to the dogs, and yet retained some sense of self during the battle, and even afterward. He slowly degenerated, regenerated, and degenerated in a cycle, which fits with the persona you've been portraying all this time. Lorenor is unstable, and sometimes even the tiniest little thing is enough to set him off the deep end. You played this to great effect. However, though beaten and bloodied, he still simulated a hidden swell of resolve, perhaps from his will to live on and spread his Dark Ways to the rest of the world. There were some off spots here and there, but overall you did well in keeping with his psyche.
Taskmienster ~ (8/10) You once again show a great command of your character's persona, keeping him in control of himself at all times, despite what emotions he faced. You showed him facing a creature beyond his experience, and allowed him to underestimate Lorenor at a number of turns, thus leading to his eventual downfall. This is what kept your character so believable to me. Despite all of his well-layed plans, he was unable to plan the outcome of a fight with a true, blue psychopath.
WRITING STYLE ~
Mechanics ~
Mutant_Lorenor ~ (6/10) Grammatical errors, missing commas, commas where they shouldn't be... You tend to do this quite a bit. Proofread and clean up your writing a bit, and you'll be in much better shape for your next round.
Taskmienster ~ (7/10) You did slightly better, but still had your fix of missed words, plurals where they shouldn't be, and other things like that. All of these catchable with a good read-through, but you kept it clean for the most part. We should all heed our own words and proofread our posts every time we post them.
Technique ~
Mutant_Lorenor ~ (7/10) As usual, you spend a great deal of your time writing up interesting twists of words and other devices in your posts. It keeps them interesting, but has a way of messing with clarity if you throw them around too often. Be careful of this.
Taskmienster ~ (7/10) You use them to good effect, but you don't let them mess with your clarity. They are usually well placed, and spaced out enough that readers can get back into the fighting when their brains feel all fuzzy from reading something that makes them think.
Both ~ Overall, very good for both of you, but I know you can put forth better. Hell, I've seen it.
Clarity ~
Mutant_Lorenor ~ (6/10) You keep it clear for the most part, but you have some trouble areas, and you need to work on that. In particular, your use of anatomy terms in your posts could confuse some readers. In particular, readers who don't know the first thing about the muscles of the human (or, in this case, humanoid) body. Work on this, and try to keep things at least simple enough for readers not to get lost in, and we'll be much better off.
Taskmienster ~ (8/10) You kept the reader in the loop the entire time. There was hardly a single time I felt lost, and when I was, it was mostly because I was tired or didn't read a word correctly. Very well done.
Wild Card ~
Mutant_Lorenor ~ (7/10) You put Lorenor in a position the likes of which most Althanians would hardly even think of. The main character in someone's story, taking a turn for the worse, and being beaten half to death right before a death match with a Warrior of the Pagoda. Very original, and I must admit, I liked the idea.
Taskmienster (6/10) ~ A Warrior with a heart, forced to face an enemy sentenced to death. This is very touching and convincing, and his tirade against the Ai'Bron only furthers this. Very good.
Overall Score:
Mutant_Lorenor: 64
Taskmienster: 71
Taskmienster wins and gets 2400 exp and 250 GP
Mutant_Lorenor gets 720 exp and 210 GP
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