Sasurai Requested its own judgment, and so I provide the following notes.

Quote Originally Posted by Tainted Bushido
Wings Of Endymion Notes

It had been essential for the Kanamai merchant empire – and its assorted underground organisations – to instil[l] self-discipline in its second child, to mo[-u]ld her into becoming stronger, swifter, [and] more skilled than any before.

Her body was quicker to react, and was quite possibly all that saved her life in that eternal instant. [awkward phrasing]

as her arcane barrier shattered like the shards of a thousand panes of glass around them. [Perhaps reword? Seems too wordy for a comparison. The simile seems awkward but doesn't read as such. It just catches my attention.]

Post 2

“This thing isn’t going to last much longer!” Yuka hollered to her companion, a futile attempt at overwhelming the rolling thunder of the tempestuous gale and the pained shriek of wood as their erstwhile vessel struggled through its death throes. [Chop it up. Awkward and long.]


Schrodinger's Nirvana

There were many words to describe his mental state at this point, his loathing of boats, water, and unreachable enemies, but they were terrible, exceptionally rude, and would have gone on for far too long. [Perhaps chop this up? Seems a bit long.]

“There” [Sentences end in periods. Minor Quibble, but valid none the less.]

Overall;

Wings your writing flows well and you know how to turn a phrase. You draw the reader in and you make them care about what you write. The added tidbits of information made your character both believable and acceptable to the readers. This is all well and good, you just have to go somewhere with it. I have a feeling should the battle have gone a bit longer you would have given the Whole Glory a run for its money. While your posts were long, they didn't FEEL long, which is to your benefit. I would suggest having someone read over your posts once to catch awkward phrases or perhaps read them yourself aloud. If you have to pause to breath in a sentence, chop it up.

If you stumble over it, reword to make it flow.

If you have to question the intent, scrap it and start anew.

I have a feeling you know this already, but I feel it should be said once more.

Schrodinger, I would have liked to have seen more from you. The little tidbits you allowed into Wings' post and the post you wrote yourself all painted something interesting. I'm just angry that I didn't get to see more. I know it stinks as the fight never finished due to real life getting in the way. All I can do is off you the same advice I offered Wings, as I don't have anything else to go off of other than one post.

I hope you two get something out of this, unfortunately I didn't get a true feeling for your writing with only two posts from one person, and a single post from the other.