Chase the Rain

[Reine]

Her mind blanked when she saw his smile. In the days they had been travelling together, soending time together and yes fighting like cats and dogs she had never shown such a qenuine smile to her before. It reached his eyes and turned the tumultuous grey clouds a deep and lively silver colour. Wow, he looked good with a smile on his face.

“Um sure… yeah food, I mean, food would be great right about now.” She fumbled over the words as her mind tried to catch up with what he said to her. She gave her head a shake to recover her scattered thoughts. Keep it together girl, you’re the one in charge, remember?

“The Inn we’re staying at is supposed to serve good food and we get a discount for renting our rooms there, so lets go!”

She grabbed his hand and quickly led him through the crowd with a speed and agility that someone of her stature and size acquired from a young age. Jared did a good job of keep up, until she attempted to pull him through spaces in the crowd way too slim for him to fit. Then he ended up barrelling into a few Fae, who apparently did not take well to being run over. After much apologizing, the two thieves walked back to the Inn at a more sedate pace. The clouds had thinned and the sun began to peek through on them, burning away the fog.

Inside stone building, Faelynn walked to the large dining room set with huge wooden benches and a few smaller tables surrounded by chairs. Being so close to mid day, the place had a large number of customers already in it and the smell of food and spices she’d never smelled before assaulted her senses. Her mouth watered and her stomach grumbled.

Seeing an empty table, she moved towards it but was intercepted by the Inn’s proprietor.

“Miss Thiadore?”

She hesitated, “Uh…yeah?”

“An urgent message has come for you from Corone.” The gorgeous fae with his long flowing robes held out a piece of paper bearing the seal of her family between his long and thin fingers.

Perplexed, she took the message from him, wondering how anyone could have even tracked them down to Donnalaich and this particular Inn. Then again, there couldn’t be too many humans staying in the city. In fact, she hadn’t seen another human since leaving Talmhaide. The proprietor inclined his head and left her. Turning the letter over in her hands, she wondered exactly what could be so urgent that her parents would send for her in Dheathain. She had told them where she was going of course, but they seemed cool with it.

“Who’s it from?” The voice of Jared broke through her musings.

“Seems to be from my family, either my parents or brother. Maybe Ferynn wants me to pick him up some mystical, magical ingredients for him to experiment with.” She joked, but deep in her stomach a weight had settled.

Tearing through the seal, Fae quickly read the contents of the message containing no more than a few lines.

Her face paled. The sinking feeling on her stomach grew until she thought she would throw up. As she read the words over and over again she could see them blurring and before her eyes. Her head swimming and the world spinning. The letter slipped from her fingers, falling on the ground face up.



Faelynn,

Your brother has been seriously injured in an accident at the forge. He and Connaire were attempting some new kind of enchantment technique when it went horribly wrong and the magic back fired on them. Connaire received some minor injuries, but Ferynn. It’s not good. Please come home. Please. He needs you. I hope this letter finds you before it is too late.

Mom

[Lavinian Ambition]

Jared watched her read the letter, his eyes growing more and more concerned as he saw the reaction on her face. He was tempted to reach out and touch her, but seeing as he only just now had gotten back on her good side the Lavinian was loathe to do anything stupid. Moving next to her he reached down and picked up the letter before he carefully put a hand on her shoulder, “You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

The damn burst and Jared, who had seen similar things, was not surprised when she tensed up. It was the act of someone trying to keep it in before she slumped and the tears began. Carefully he hugged her, just giving her a shoulder to cry on as he gently ran his hand up and down her back. He carefully maneuvered them to near the table as the Fae watched a look of worry on her exotic face. Jared merely looked at the Fae a second to motion her away as he gently turned to the comforting big brother he had always been, “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Faelynn replied between grief stricken sobs. Jared hadn’t even looked at the note and already he could tell it was pretty bad. This girl was usually upbeat and happy and whatever it took to drop her mood like a stone in the river it had to have been something terrible. Carefully he looked over the note before he stiffened and understood. Placing the paper on the table he noticed the room tried its best to ignore the two humans in their midst. Draconians gave them the once over before muttering rude phrases in their tongue. Fae were the more empathetic perhaps due to their much more magical nature, merely shaking their heads somberly before attempting to achieve the cheer they once had.

Family.

Had Jared gotten a note like that he wasn’t sure what he would have done. He was always a family first kind of man, and now he could see Faelynn or Reine, or whatever her name was, was much the same. He just continued to stroke her back before he whispered softly, “Do you want to go now or in the morning?”

She looked up at him with tear streaked eyes before she managed in some semblance of her former self, “What about you? What about the items you’re trying to make?”

“It was on a whim more than anything. Getting you back home seems the more important task. At the least I can see you off and decide then if I want to go through the swamps to get the last few items for it,” Jared replied his tone soft. He could see something blooming behind her eyes and merely waited patiently for her response. Before she could open her mouth he said softly, “I’m probably going to head home in all honesty. I don’t have much keeping me wandering the world and well this was kind of a spur of the moment thing. If you ever reach Lavinya look me up, shouldn’t be too hard if you ask at the Drunken Rat tavern. Tell the barkeep that Firebrand said it was okay…””

He gave her a reassuring smile even as he hoped his cheering up would work.

[Reine]

“Right… yeah sure, Drinking Rats, I got it.”

Honestly she wasn’t listening to him at all. Her mind was racing around at a million miles an hour but all she could think about was Ferynn and whether or not he still lived. She loved her brother. Maybe even loved him more than her parents. He had been the family favourite and the only time her parents paid much attention to her was when she’d done something wrong; or a potential suitor had come knocking on the front door. Thankfully she’d never been enough of a lady for the upper class men that came snooping around.

Ferynn…don’t you dare leave me. Don’t you dare! I’m coming home to you, I swear it!

“I’ll leave today.” She said more to herself than Jared.

Grabbing the letter from the table, she carefully folded it and placed it within her pack. It would take her a week to Travel from Dheathain to Corone and before that she needed to get from Donnalaich to Talmhaide. No easy feat in a short amount of time. Dheathain was a huge country and most of it was covered in swamps, tropical rain forests or endless grasslands. The cities were spaced out far and few between.

Still, with a country this steeped in magic, they must have some way to get around quickly!

---

Three hours later Faelynn found herself back in the port city of Talmhaide. How did she get there so fast, you ask? Easy, she rode a dragon. Yeah, that’s right, a freaking dragon! Apparently they used the monstrous beasts as quick ferries between cities for emergencies, sight seeing and even military training exercises. Any other time and she would have been amazed at riding such a creature, but her heart and mind were elsewhere. She didn’t even take in much of scenery as it went flashing by below her at a dizzying speed. She didn’t even pay enough attention to get motion sickness.

Jumping off the back of the dragon, quickly followed by Jared, Faelynn rushed through the streets as fast as her legs could take her. With her increased speed, that appeared to be faster than Jared could keep up with her and she soon lost him in the crowd. Not that it would be any surprise to her thieving companion that she headed for the docks.

She didn’t slow until the cobbled and dirt streets disappeared into a vast blueness that stretched out farther than her eyes could see. Until the smell of salt and the cries of sea gulls assaulted her senses, and the shouts of men at work came from every direction. Skidding to a hault, she assessed the five ships currently docked in the harbour, scanning their hulls for a name and their decks to see which had the most masts and would take the shortest amount of time to get her home.

The first she chose was bound for Raiaera instead, but the second was going to Radasanth. Just as she paid the man for her passage, Jared caught up to her.

She wanted to say something cool and noteworthy, but nothing came to mind.

“I guess this is where we say goodbye.” She felt awkward and kind of exposed in front of him right now. She’d burst into tears and he’d held her in his arms like any close friend would. Only he wasn’t a close friend. Before it could get any stranger, she looked away and turned to go, then changed her mind and grabbed a hold of him in a tight hug.

“Thanks for coming with me. I don’t regret it.”

At least for now she didn’t. If Ferynn died, maybe then she would.




(No spoils for me. This was obviously an old quest from years ago that we threw a quick ending together for, to explain her [my] absence.)

[Lavinian Ambition]

Just like that she was gone, her ship already hoisting anchor. He watched it leave the port even as others moved about the area with the bored monotony of their daily lives. Jared had often longed for such things, simply because boring meant he wasn’t thrust into some new adventure. His stormy grey eyes followed the ship until it left the bay and then he turned looking back at the people about him. With a derisive snort he shook his head, he hated this place and the only interesting thing in it was gone now. Looking at the items for his bag of dust he carefully put them aside and hoped they didn’t have an expiration date.

He shook his head before he said softly, “Well then with that distraction gone, I guess its time to go home. Owe it to Hawk not to get him in trouble at the least.”

Home, that was an odd concept for the thief. He had not thought of home beyond his sister in a while, and yet when he thought of going there all he could feel was a muted sadness. At first he thought it was his, but the more he thought about it, the more it felt unnatural, wrong. With a sigh he pinched the bridge of his nose before he muttered under his breath, “Oh gods be damned Seth, stop leaking your emotions into me…”

The spot he reserved for the thief’s thoughts let out a mental probe he knew to be the man’s sigh before he spoke, I have no control over what my memories do to you boy. Stop pretending like I’m gleefully dumping my emotional load into you to relieve the pressure.

“Then why do you hate Lavinya?”

More silence before Seth spoke, Would you like to return to the place of your greatest mistake? Jared’s eyes widened with the epiphany as he looked about Dheathain. Seth realizing the connection finally became more verbose, almost candid with the younger thief, [/i]That’s right. Just like you and Kyo have here, I made a terrible mistake there. To see my old friends and to see the place I ruined my family hurts more than you know Firebrand. Not that I am dissuading you from going, you need to at this point. I’m just saying don’t be so surprised at my reluctance to go there.[/i]

Jared nodded thoughtfully before he moved up to the line to leave. Reaching the top he looked the man in the eye before he spoke calmly, “One for Otaria Port.”

“Why would anyone want to go to that shithole?” The man said even as he shook his head and grabbed a book. Opening it before him he spoke, “Write yer name down, that’ll be fifty gold for room and board.”

“I grew up in Lavinya, and theres only one way home…” Jared offered. The man looked him over before he snorted.

“I see why ye left, no meat on your bones nothing to make you tough enough for the place,” The man’s words stung his pride. Jared merely gave a knowing smile as he wrote his name down and spoke one last bit to him,

“Thieves get homesick too you know…” He then gave the man a wink as human’s face went pale at the words. A chuckle escaped Jared’s mouth as he shouldered his pack higher and moved to the ship that would be taken him home. A knowing smile left his lips as he saw the ship’s name and knew its history. Shaking his head he laughed as he said to Seth, “Well then, looks like you have more to think about…”

A grumble left Seth’s corner of his mind as Jared Cesarino climbed aboard the Lavinian Pride.

[Mordelain]

Thread Title: Chase The Rain
Judgement Type: Light Commentary
Participants: Reine, Lavinian Ambition

Plot ~ 21/30

Story ~ 6/10 – I appreciated the narrative, the setting, and the emotion woven together for plot. The detractor was, by your own admission, the rushed ending due to the length of time that transpired between starting, and finishing the thread. Had you developed the outro more, I daresay the natural progression would have lifted scores to 7+ easily.

Setting ~ 8/10 – Strong, in depth descriptions, from the get go. Whilst some consider this level of detail purple prose, here, it accentuates the context of the thread, and the personalities of your characters.

Pacing ~ 7/10 – No pacing issues, but be wary of erratic tempo changes between dialogue, narrative, and action.

Character ~ 16/30

Communication ~ 5/10 – Dialogue was appropriate, but neither possessed any identity in speech. You both sounded like high school kids talking in the courtyard, not lavinian kings and Dheathain adventurers. Whilst highborn noble tongues and quick wits are not required, consider techniques to portray personality and emotion through your character’s speech, and not just what they say, but how they say it.

Action ~ 5/10 – The strongest aspect of action is making it seem seamless, effortless, and not forced. Jared and Faelynn’s trip to the docks was dynamic, alive, and believable, and ‘action’ despite there being no ‘combat’ and death and destruction. Outside of this, there was little in the thread to resemble motion, events unfolding, and so forth.

Persona ~ 6/10 – Where you faltered with dialogue, you made up with emotion outside of speech. You naturally worked well together, and used comfort, action, and body language to give your characters, and their backgrounds life. Consider how to develop that personal identity, and you will continue to play off one another without really trying. Good effort.

Prose ~ 20/30

Mechanics ~ 5/10 – Generally consistent level of grammatical and mechanical precision, let down by dialogue formatting errors and sporadic clumsy comma use. Whilst the latter is difficult to master, the former is addressable– if the part preceding dialogue is relational, such as she said, or he said, then comma and small case letter. If there is an exclamation mark or a question mark, the same applies – small case, because the exclamation is as a comma. ‘Damn’ appears instead of dam in post 22, to highlight a singular place where proof reading could have heightened your score.

Clarity~ 8/10 – Strong, flowing, easily read text throughout, and little lost in translation between writers. You have a strong, consistent ability to not lose pace or focus between posts.

Technique ~ 7/10 – Asides mechanical issues, you used strong literary techniques and consistent stylistic choices to bolster your writing. Technically competent the both of you, I would not worry about improving here until the other highlighted issues can be addressed, as you have little to add to a strong repertoire.

Wildcard: 5/10 – I sorely wished for a more developed outro, and I hope to read more of what I assume to be a budding romance, or compelling ‘so near to going out’ sisterhood!

---

I would be happy to develop on the points above, or provide more in depth examples based on those notes if requested. cydneyoliver@gmail.com, or my Mordelain inbox are both appropriate avenues to do.

If you have any concerns, doubts, and worries, and don’t wish to speak to me directly for whatever reason, then I am sure another member of staff will resolve the matter on your behalf. I am perfectly amenable and open to feedback, as the judge has to develop, as much as the writer put under the scrutiny of the rubric!

Total ~ 63/100

Lavinian Ambition receives 1635 experience and 200 gold.

Reine receives 1260 experience and 200 gold.

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.