The Fear That Binds Us (Solo)

[Taliel Escabre]

Pulling the text from his bag, he leafed through it quickly. When he finally had found the right spell, he pulled his quill and parchment from his back and began to write eagerly. The occasional shake would cause him to stop sometimes, but other than that he wrote as fast as he could and as flawless as he was able to. His nerves were quite stretched, and his fear was enormous. His hand was trembling, and yet he knew that he had to remain calm and finish what he was doing.

The magic of his words flowed, and soon he was in a trance. Immune to what was happening around him, each symbol flowed effortlessly from his quill. Each stroke was sweeping, and soon the fear had subsided. All he could see was the paper and beautiful markings that lay before him. It seemed like ages before he had finished, but when he finally did, he felt the building beginning to crush under pressure.

Holding the scroll up and gathering his belongings, Taliel closed his eyes and began in the incantation. With a sudden burst of energy, the scribe found himself laying face first upon the ground. He was once more in Raiaera, standing outside the gates of Istien University. The spell had drained him of all his magic, and he could do little to move. However, after such a long, tiresome journey, he found he did not care to move. Before he knew it, he was being helped to his feet by a few magicians.

"Oh my word! Quick, you must tell us everything!" they said, eager to hear of what had happened. There would be much explaining to do, such as why Taliel was covered in blood, what the scar on his hand meant, what became of Demietrios and his tower, as well as countless other topics. Taliel, however, seemed immune to all this. He felt better than he had in ages, and while a strange dark still plagued his heart from the situation, he knew things were going to get better. His body ached all over and he was extraordinarily weak, but he had accomplished what others had not, and there was only one thing he wished to do now.

"I will explain everything my friends, but for now...I need something to eat."

[Dissinger]

Overall:

You did good here kid. I mean Eric, you have a lot of talent, and it seems your time away from Althanas hasn't let you build up too much rust, but it is there. Sometimes you seemed to repeat yourself needlessly and the story didn't flow quite so well. However, for what you gave it was a good honest effort. Hopefully you'll oil up and be ready in no time. Understand I'm not saying these things to basically laugh and point holes, I know you're a good writer, so I'm giving my beliefs on what can make you better.

Onto the judging!

Introduction: 5 I can't say anything good or bad about this introduction. It introduced the reader to the situation at hand. However, the problem comes in the fact you didn't really grab me. Sometimes its okay for a short quest, however other times, it just doesn't work out as well. This seemed to just drag on, all I really got was this was the last place he wanted to be, but otherwise, didn't make me care much for the decision to be there. Especially since I had no clue what he was looking for.

Setting: 6 You described the setting, and at times it was used, but otherwise, I cannot say Setting was important. Even the sandstorm seemed a bit unimposing. While it did lead you to the tower, it really was more of a plot device than anything.

Also, I find it rather unrealistic that muttering all these things on the edge of the deserts of Haidia around demons didn't merit one glance or muttered words about our traveling Spell scribe. Don't forget Setting is also the culture.

Strategy: 3 This is where the thread begins to take a dive, you really had nothing inspiring for strategy. Everything seemed formulaic. He was caught in a sandstorm and so he ran, he got caught. He was approached by this scary man covered in tattoos, and he ran and got caught. He flailed and put him off guard, and beat him by using his own trick against him.

The strategy was a bit forced at times, like for instance the ability to flesh scribe coming just form hearing him talk? I would imagine it'd take more than just that. Perhaps if he was locked up over a few days and had time to experiment I could say its believable. Not that there was anything wrong with it, but the time frames seemed off to me.

Writing Style: 4 I could see you were going for something, and you just didn't hit it right is all. You had it set up, you were writing with devices, the whole nine yards, but ultimately you got hurt by a few problems. The first was you tended to put up fragments. Sometimes you'd say something and leave me hanging for instance;

And even more so, now that he had entered the forbidden realm.

What? You never finished the thought and that kind of thing drive me nuts so you know. Read over things out loud, sometimes your mind makes sense of things reading aloud can catch.

The other is something I seem to see frequently on the site, and that’s just the minor typos even word doesn't catch, calling pain main and the like. Just read your stuff out loud, and both problems should go away. It’s something I'm trying to work on, and I think it’s producing better results so far.

Rising Action: 3 Sorry man, I just felt no tension rising. Even the fight against our tattooed adversary was a bit flat. I had no sense of tension anywhere, and that’s what hurt you here. Had I real reason to believe that Taliel might have been in danger of kicking that bucket for a field goal, I would have worried a lot more. Perhaps it was the rushed feeling I was getting, as the pace was pretty fast, don't be afraid to take time and explain what’s going on.

Dialogue: 5 This was really middle road here. Some of the dialogue was predictable, and that might have hurt here. Think about what you say and think about how you say it.

"So this is what they send to vanquish me. A cowardly scribe, unable to even accept his own fear. I will crush you Taliel Escabre. You do not realize the measure of my power, and soon you will go insane. They all do. You know nothing of the task that has been set before your, nor the number of students from your damned school that have failed in the past. You will parish, like all who came before you!"

That was one speech the villain gave, if I may be so bold;

"So this is who they sent to defeat me? A spell scribe enslaved to his own fear? You'll end up just like everyone else they sent, insane, broken, and dead. You don't even know anything about me, or this place, do you? You are just another pathetic pawn in this game between me and that wretched school. You're but another step on my path of conquest."

Similar meanings, but different prose. The effect is a bit more natural, a little less B movie villain.

Character: 6 You stayed true to character, that I must give you credit on. You did a good job on giving me a sense of Taliel, even if he spent most of the thread battered and half dead.

Climax: 3 Climax here suffered from the lack of Rising action. The defeat of Demetrios was not built up to, and unfortunately that’s what hurt you. Again taking your time and describing things will help you here. Length for the sake of Length is frowned upon, but Brevity can also kill if leaned upon too much.

Conclusion: 5 I must say that you gave a good effort at wrapping things up, and as someone who just spent a week or so just wandering the desert it worked. What hurt here was the amount of time you pushed all the events leading ont eh way here. From the scribing of the teleportation spell to the end it was one huge jumble.

Wildcard: 7 I hit you pretty hard on the numbers, so I want to reiterate here that I know you're a good writer, just gotta shake off the rust. I think you had a good idea here, and I want you to know I recognized that.

And the verdict is…..

47!

Spoils:

Taliel receives the ability to Flesh Scribe. As stipulated the scribing is not permanent, and he must learn the symbols of flesh scribing from a master of this decidedly dark art. A scribed spell may be used for up to three threads before it heals away.

Taliel Escabre gets 985 EXP and 150 GP!

Any EXP rewards given are based off of the new equation. Any questions regarding what was said can be addressed to me via PM or AIM SethDahlios.

[Zieg dil' Tulfried]

EXP and GP added.