Citizen

[Amaril Torrun]

As they neared the temple, Amaril noticed that it wasn’t decorated as much as he had expected. Built with the thickest of wood, it appeared to boast of power rather than elegance. It didn’t stand as tall as the Suthainn Library, but it was longer, taking up a larger area. He supposed a larger space was necessary if a lot of Draconians were to honor the twin gods at the same time. Two lifelike statues of The Twins stood on either side of the entrance, as if to guard their temple of unwanted guests. The half-dragon felt wary passing by them, feeling as though they might turn their stone weapons on him at any moment.

I’ve never shown them my respects after all. Thoughts of the two gods kicking him out and humiliating him played on his mind, but the statues stayed still.

Um, they’re statues. And I thought I was the baby between us… Naryx playfully skipped inside, ignoring his tired and weakened state for the time being.

A Draconian child similarly skipped out of the temple, humming a cheerful tune. Following were his parents, hand in hand, watching their blissful child. They bowed to the statues before continuing home. Amaril realized Darith had bowed to the statues and departed to begin his prayers a few moments earlier, leaving the half-dragon behind. He stepped back to the sculptures and bowed as well, wondering how many missteps he could afford before angering the gods of war.

Geez, Amaril. Can you please stop worrying all the time? Do you really think they care about what you do? It’s not like they pay attention to everything going on here all the time. If you ask me, I’d say this whole mass worshipping of all these gods is a little redundant. Just be good and live your life. Deal with the gods once you meet up with them.

Somewhat cautiously, Amaril nodded. Naryx did present a valid point. We should still be respectful though.

Naryx responded with a snort and trotted off, passing through the empty first chamber. Amaril wasn’t so quick to continue on. With the baby dragon out of the room, he was free to dwell on his recently found interest in the Draconian deities. He looked around at the barren chamber, noticing that the lack of elegance on the outside meant little compared to the golden walls now surrounding him. Still modeling a simple design, the large expense of such a vast amount of gold proved the love the Draconians had for their gods. Maybe it is foolish to waste so much time on worship.

He continued on into a larger chamber, walls still made of gold. On the outskirts of the room, a large chunk of Suthainn’s wealth seemed to lay, exposed and unprotected, before him. Silver and gold trinkets of all sorts and sizes lay on long tables. Small rings and necklaces decorated larger pieces such as silver plates, bowls and dishes of odd shapes he didn’t recognize. Even armor and weapons were left behind. They were all gifts to The Cupla, sacrifices by the Draconian community to show their affection. If the temple had been placed in any other city, the lucrative showcase would have been unsafe. In any other city, looters could be found even in a place of worship. The chamber was the purest example of Draconian loyalty.

The wealth was so vast, he could actually smell the countless precious metals, awakening his dragon-like lust for such items. A twinge of greed bit at him, but he quickly shunted it. Disturbing the items seemed to be the worst form of sacrilege he could perform. In that chamber, he realized a desire to join in the Draconian worship and their religious devotion. The gods gave the Draconians a purpose, a sense of self worth. He wanted to share that feeling. Naryx’s comments be damned.

Looking ahead, the path showed a place of worship as the third and largest chamber. Several simple, wooden pews took up most of the room. At the time, all were empty save for the one Darith knelt down in, with Naryx resting beside him. Two windows on either side were cut in a diagonal designed to push any daylight forward, toward the altar made of gold. He wished it weren’t night, sure that the light would enhance the already magnificent object of prayer. A few columns, wooden but lined with more gold, bordered the room.

Not wanting to disturb his Draconian friend’s prayers, he made his way to a different row. Here is where I will begin my faith. Naryx looked back and rolled his eyes, but remained silent.

[Amaril Torrun]

He didn’t know how long he stayed there. He knew his knees were reddened from kneeling longer than they were used to, but the tiny amount of displeasure they gave him was meaningless. The private spiritual awakening he had felt in the sacrificial chamber was enough to eliminate those small pains and allow him to focus on his prayers. His prayers only contained a few words at the beginning, before he realized he knew too little about The Cupla to continue with solid thoughts. His mind wondered to the other gods he knew of, but was unable to say anything substantial to them either. He resigned to clearing his thoughts, finding peace in silently worshipping the new religion in general. The gods would give him more to pray for over time.

A small scrape near one of the nearby pillars disrupted his prayers and he looked at a source that startled him. A Draconian man was leaning against the column, looking at the half-dragon with mild interest. He hadn’t heard anyone enter the altar chamber, and realized his praying must have put him in a trance. The stranger didn’t seem to pose any kind of threat though, and Amaril took the time to study the individual. Donned in an outfit made of leather, the Draconian was wrought in tight muscle from every angle. Black scales covered parts of his arms and his chest, which was exposed due to his open tunic. Amaril was reminded slightly of how he thought of his own appearance, a journeyer having traveled through the rough wilderness. The man before him didn’t seem to be as tired as the half-dragon had always felt after his journeys, and he gave the Draconian credit for an endurance he didn’t have.

The Draconian noticed he was being studied, but seemed unperturbed by it. Instead, he nearly nodded, as if to approve of Amaril. Then, a Draconian woman, showing many of the same characteristics as her counterpart, entered the chamber. She made her way to the Draconian and simply touched his shoulder to gain his attention. Without a word, the two left Amaril to his own musings.

Something about them made him forget about his wordless prayers. As they disappeared from his sight, he felt a wretched feeling of desertion, as though he needed to follow them. He tried to get up, but his legs wouldn’t move and he began to shake. He was sure he let a moan escape his lips, but Naryx and Darith didn’t seem to notice anything.

Naryx! The baby dragon didn’t respond. It was as if he and the world were frozen in place.

His precarious condition continued for what seemed like an hour. Then, as quickly as it had come, he felt as if the weight of imprisonment left his body, allowing him to move freely. At the same time, Naryx awoke from his peaceful slumber and lumbered over to the half-dragon. Darith seemed to be released as well, ending his prayer with a small sign with his right hand before standing and exiting the pew.

“What happened to you guys?!” Amaril exclaimed.

Darith’s eyes furrowed and Naryx took a step back, unsure of the apparently outlandish question.

Huh? “Huh?” Neither seemed to understand.

“I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. When I tried to get your attention, you didn’t respond.” His breaths came in heaves. He stood; scared to stay in the pew he had been stuck in.

What on Althanas are you talking about?

“Amaril, what are you talking about?”

The conversation with both companions simultaneously was giving him a headache.

“Ok, forget that part for now. Darith did you see the two Draconians over there?” He pointed to the now vacant column. “Didn’t you feel something strange come over this room when they entered? Something about them… was out of place. I think they cast some sort of spell over us as they left. They…”

Darith held a hand up to stop the half-dragon’s rant. A slight grin cracked over his bewildered expression. “Follow me,” was all he said before he exited the chamber. Dubious, Amaril followed, trailed lastly by Naryx.

Yup, no more ale for you for a long, long time.

Darith led them just outside the temple, where he stopped and cracked a smile that emanated jubilation. “Amaril, my friend, were these the Draconians you saw? If they allowed you to see them, I’d say you’ve found your welcome to Suthainn.”

On either side of them stood two stone statues, no longer dressed and armed for battle. Now, each wore little more than a common traveler’s clothing, showing off some scattered black scales.




--------------End----------------


((Spoils: None!))

[Duffy]

Story | (20/30)

Continuity (6) | There was little need for me to read your character’s bio or any previous thread you’ve written, everything described as needed, and character links placed well. Maybe a little more detail about how he met Naryx, or develop a sort of sarcastic rhetoric between them, I.e - that Naryx isn’t grateful etc. I confess I don’t know much about Draconians, but you covered that well too.

Setting (7) | You’ve brought your setting alive magnificently, describing each place with simple but very effective descriptions and you’ve used sight and sound and pathetic fallacy to put Amaril’s state of mind to the foreground. It really does feel like I’m there, although the descriptions teeter off a few posts in, it’s a good grounding of a good post.

Pacing (7) | I read this straight through, one after the other, and it all flows fluidic ally and thus I’m giving a 8, a point was lost as one or scene transitions were quicker and more sort of fade in out than others, but in general, it read as one long piece of prose over several shorter ‘chapters.’

Character | (17/30)

Dialogue (5) | You asked for a short rubric but more focus on your character development and how to represent him, so I’ll give this a go - as bringing alive your character in accordance with your own vision, the setting, and of course, your biography, is half the battle for any role-player. You scored low here for having your character speak a bit like a high school student, keep in mind that this is a fantasy setting, and although it’s flexible, and you’re not expected to speak in archaic Shakespearean speech, some consideration to sayings, words and to what your character WOULD say, if he could speak English wouldn’t go amis. A few examples: ‘but I think I’m getting the hang of this hanging out with the guys thing,’ ‘why should the kids continue to skirmish?’ ’Duh, numnuts.’ Naryx and Amaril speak too modernly, but on the other hand, the other NPCs in your thread have a suitable and well placed/spoken dialogue. If you want to give Amaril an identity beyond description and history, develop a specific way of speaking for him, some examples could be typing in all small case, to represent a hushed or subdued voice, or using elision to give him an accent, ‘How’d you do huntin’?’ Or even go so far as adding mental thoughts to lines, to show conflict between what he’s saying and feeling.

Action (6) |

Persona (6) | Tying in with Dialogue, representing your character’s ideologies and personality is not always a simple case of just coming out with it and saying them. ‘My character is a pacifist,’ for example, can be said and done through actions or comments, without ever having to outright say it. I got the feeling that Amaril is confused and somewhat aloof about not knowing who he truly is or where he’s come from - you’ve developed this well but it’s let down by a lack of mechanical/technique support. Use foreshadowing in your threads to give hints at where he’s from - perhaps utilise flashbacks to tie in what we do know about his personality with potential ideas or events - it’s up to you wherever or not you make him an endearing and lost soul or a hated but gripping personality. Naryx is stealing the scene somewhat, I’m not sure if this was intentional or not, perhaps explore Amaril through the relationship he has with the young dragon - you’ve got the groundings of a good bond and show that Amaril cares for him so that’s an area to improve to up the marks in this section next time .

Writing Style | (19/30)

Technique (6) | Although your descriptions and general writing ability are confident, you’ve lost opportunities in places, by repeating the same description, as with Naryx’s lightning, or switching from heavy description to none, and losing out on further opportunity to bring your thread to life. I get the sense that the Draconians are a heavy and lumbering race in terms of routine and stature, tripling and assonance are both rhyming techniques you could utilise; dire draconian door, earthly entropy earnt etc.

Mechanics (6) |

Clarity (7) | Points were lost here for the ‘spell incident,’ this was the only point in the thread that I had to double take, re-read and think to understand what had transpired. A very small mar on an otherwise crystalline thread.

Wild Card | (7)

Using ‘genes’, and a few other modern words and idioms detracted from the thread as a whole, but otherwise, it had enough flair to hold on.

Total: (63)

---

Amaril gained 2042 xp, and 100 gold!

Duffy

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.