No Knowledge of Wisdom

[Visla Eraclaire]

The neighboring baron happily took in the trembling noblewoman and listened to the tale. He pledged to dispatch a group of his men at sunrise to recapture the manor and surrounding lands. Visla knew that the coming dawn could be too late for the children, if the monastery heard the news of their mother's rescue. Still weary from the ritual and sickened from the potion that saw her through it, she and Aelva took to the skies once again.

Their destination was a Church monastery nestled in the jagged mountains to the north, a bastion of the Sway's power that still held strong even as their might crumbled elsewhere. As the cold night winds whipped around Visla and her succubus, she whispered a final aphorism.

"One can persuade brave people to participate in an action by representing it as being more dangerous than it is," she said blithely.

"How were you persuaded then?" Aelva asked her.

"I knew this would not be over soon when I drew the first drop of blood."

Godshard Body Count: Two guardsmen, two healers, thirty injured clergy, one holy swordsman

No spoils requested as of yet for the Godshard.

I request the dagger that Visla used throughout the thread, looted from one of the hospital attendants. It is simple and made of steel.

The one-day thread was fun.

[Saxon]

From what I've read and talked to you about, Visla, this thread was pretty interesting for a first installment of the story you're working on. As you asked, I looked at your writing in this particular thread and tried to see how you did with writing action and the brevity of this entire thread. My first presumption having read it is that this thread goes by very quickly, especially since you wrote it in less than a day. I think in the way this helped you because it made you focus more on writing your characters in the present and having their actions dictated at the spur of the moment, both of which are key to having good action in a story.

I'll dig into a little bit more of it in your judgment to help spell it out, but I'll keep it brief.

STORY

Continuity - 8/10 - This was a simple introductory thread into an overall storyline, and while you did mention this numerous times to me when getting your quest approved, I could tell by the end of this that it was going to be part of something. I enjoyed the story and I'm looking forward to reading the rest. Relax, slow down a bit, and keep writing!

Setting - 8/10 - The setting was described effectively and I could see it clearly right from the first post. While you didn't go very far with this thread, you made the best of what you had.

Pacing - 7/10 - The pacing of your own characters was impeccable. They came to life and I really felt the momentum of this thread as they raced throughout the mansion with their various fights and eventual escape. Visla more than Aelva went through some pretty serious changes during the thread, even if it was told under a simpler fashion which tied into much of the action in the thread. The action kept me on the edge of my seat and having read this over the course of the day when you were putting up posts, I found myself jumping to your thread every time I saw a new post was up.

The reason why you didn't get a 10 in this area was that despite everything you attempted and accomplished in your story, it was often at the expense of your NPCs. They were more caricatures then people and didn't really have much personality to them if they were Church followers other then they really liked the Ethereal Sway a whole helluva lot better then either of your characters. Almost to the point of the textbook definition of fanaticism, but I believe you could've done it much better if you had given this thread a couple days to ferment as you wrote it.

CHARACTER

Dialogue - 8/10 - The characters in this thread really came to life, or at least Visla and Aelva did. While I was really touched by Visla's moral reservations with killing or fighting other people and Aelva's attempts to successfully pressure Visla into killing people, especially the sick and dying revealed a lot about who they are. While that was done successfully, I felt much of the other people or NPCs used in this thread were pretty much props to get you to where you needed to go. While the Lady was done pretty well in terms of her character under the circumstances she forced into, I really thought the priest and the nurses could've been given much more in terms of dialogue or actions they could've used to color the impressions I had as a reader.

They pretty much seemed like fanatics and were there for Visla and Aelva to kill, which I think the shallowness of their character was largely in part with the style of this thread. In all, much of the people you used outside of your main characters didn't say much that wasn't used to drive your characters to the next part of the thread, which given how you chose to wrote this was probably the smart decision if you wanted to keep it brief and have this thread done fast.

Action - 7/10 - If this was your first attempt at incorporating this amount of action into a thread, then I want to congratulate you. You did it successfully and with very few problems. Nothing I read came to mind as being very grotesque or unnecessary, and even a few times I thought what you chose to do with Visla in a fight fit pretty well given that she isn't a fighter and seems to have moral reservations about killing people herself.

That being said, the simplicity of this story and the speed in which you wrote it is what hurt your score overall despite being quite the accomplishment. While you retained much of your technique and skill as a writer, there were some things you needed to sacrifice in doing so. That usually centered around NPCs and their personalities, as well as plot. While the action was used exemplerary in this thread, I think it could still use some work. If put in a thread with a bigger story and experimented with more, I think you could see yourself looking at a 10 in Action in the future. Keep it up.

Persona - 7/10 - As I've said before, both Visla and Aelva came to life in this thread, more Visla than anything. She had a moral problem with killing others by her own hand and was coerced by her familiar into doing it, which I found especially intriguing. You really showed that Visla is not a fighter and wouldn't be able to keep up in a fight without Aelva there to run interference. A very interesting choice given this was the thread you wanted to experiment action with.

Aelva had a mind of her own, but seemed to be very loyal to Visla which given her status is obvious. I also think that despite the NPCs being a bit shallow they showed more character and personality then most NPCs that often come down the pipe by other players.

WRITING STYLE

Mechanics - 9/10 -

Technique - 8/10 - This thread was done very quickly and efficiently. You managed to accomplish writing a story, however simple the plot may be, from start to finish in a day while retaining much of your technique and skill as a writer. This takes far more skill as a writer then a lot of people realize, because after reading this I've noticed very few errors if any, the plot and idea behind what you were doing was well organized and you even experimented with using action in a story which judging by what you said in your Request that you seldom use it when you're writing. Typically when I've attempted to do this, I've never been able to accomplish it without sacrificing something and usually threads I attempt to do very quickly usually fall apart halfway in. This wasn't the case with yours and it appears to have been done with a master stroke. Great job.

Clarity - 8/10 - I didn't have much trouble understanding what Visla or Aelva did in the thread because the story and the thread overall was very simple. I believe this was your purpose, and as you've told me earlier you wanted to keep this chain of events in a thread seperate from the other quests you plan to do following this storyline.

There was nothing I could remember having read this thread that really stuck out to me as convoluted in your thread, but I think if spaced out a couple days you could've added far more meat to this thread while retaining this simple, quick style you adopted.

Wild Card - 5/10 - You wrote and finished this thread in a day, and while that may have made the writing much more shallow and with less focus on plot, it accomplished what you originally intended which was an experiment with action. Try to implement action more in your threads, even the slower paced ones and see how that works for you. But, for the reasons stated above, I'm throwing you five points in Wild Card.

TOTAL: 75/100

Because of the FQ bonus and the 1.5x experience multiplier for Approved Quests, you've gained 7262 EXP and leveled up to 4! Congratulations!

Your spoils are approved and you've gained 420 GP. You've also gotten the following;

- Because your quest scored a 75 and you sided with the league, you're qualified to get a fiefdom at the end of the chapter! Should the League win the war, you will be awarded your fiefdom in which you will be able to design and maintain in any way you choose! This'll also give you a custom user title following the chapter and under the same conditions. Be sure to keep up on the chapter!

- As an Approved Quest, you're also entered into a random drawing for a Legendary Weapon at the end of the chapter. Approved Quests get 2 tickets instead of one.

For this quest, the League of Salvic States has been awarded 2 points. 16 left to go!

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!

Welcome to the next level Visla!