New Blood Bracket Semi Finals: The International vs. Inkfinger

[Inkfinger]

…and now they had an audience. Cael was just about to agree with Eri –

Wait.

Erik?!

“Where have you been?” He asked the curator, snappishly, the blade of the naginata drooping towards the carpet. This was too much, the idea that this should happen, the first time he had the guts and the motivation to try something like this on his own. “Security’s been tearing half the city apart looking for you!”

“Obviously,” Vespasian said, drawing himself up proudly, his amber eyes gleaming as brightly as his rapier’s blade, “Not the right half.”

“Obviously.” Cael growled, his icy glare coming back to rest on the spy. He swung the naginata so the shaft pointed vaguely towards the women (and Erik, who looked positively hellish) on the steps. “Don’t you do anything without them? It’s like a bleedin’ parade every time I see you!”

The young spy opened his mouth to protest, but Erik spoke first, dull eyes focused on the crystalline shards of glass scattered all over the smooth, polished floor. “What, exactly,” he paused to cough, piteously, and Cael had to fight to keep from rolling his eyes. Oh, grow up. You’re probably being manipulated, if I know even one thing about this family. “Are you gents trying to do, get arrested?”

Vespasian sighed in familiar exasperation. “We’re actually trying to avoid that.” Cael took Vespasian’s moment of distraction to scan the room again. There was an alcove off in the corner that he hadn’t been able to see from his previous spot, half-hidden by a tapestry. He felt a sudden flicker of curiosity, glancing at Vespasian, who was actually lecturing Erik, animatedly, explaining things in clinical detail without actually giving anything away. His eyes were then drawn to Ludivine, who simply stared back at him, almost challengingly. He held one finger across his lips, tiptoeing towards the alcove.

There was only one item there, a small glass case with absolutely nothing in it. There was, however, a small pile of parchments, old and yellowing, stacked on top of the case. Cael glanced out of the alcove, winced at the still-yelling Vespasian (though right now, given the spy’s hesitancy to attack, he didn’t doubt the spy was doing this on purpose), and ducked back in, digging through the parchments.

It was a pile of Salvic maps, of all the varied continents, some of specific towns and cities and mountain paths. Most of them looked at least twenty years out of date, the sigils and lines fading and worn. One, however, stood out; it was imprinted on leather cured as smooth as silk and bleached as white as paper. It had a note clipped to the corner: I think we should return this one to avoid international incident; it does not look as if it was meant to come with the others. –E. C. Cael flipped it over carefully – and his jaw dropped.

There, etched in the specific dark blue ink of the Church, was a careful map of the portal’s network, something he’d tried to recreate for months just to get it out of his head in the prison. Now he knew what Areesha had meant. This was it; he’d seen it, and that was that.

He tugged the note off, dropped it on the pile of parchments, and hurried out of the alcove, rolling the map up as he did. Erik looked over at him pitifully, eyes dark rimmed, the sweat practically dripping from the ends of his hair.

Gods. They really planned this one.

“Spy?”

“Yes, Inkmage?” The answer came in three-part harmony.

“Not you,” Cael glared at the sisters on the stairs before he looked back at Vespasian, “him.” Both girls looked slightly affronted. He tried to ignore them, not quite sure what to say. “I..I don’t think we were after the same thing after all.” He waved the rolled-up map at him, shuffling his feet. Vespasian rubbed a hand over his eyes.

“You think? I don’t have a map on my list, and-”

The sound of quite a number of boots crunching on cobblestones and leaves echoed down the stairs. Erik just sat on his step, his shoulders slumped and his glassy eyes staring into thin air. The rest of those in the vault looked from one to the other in something that, if it wasn’t pure panic, might have been its second cousin.

"Shut the door!" Vespasian and Cael hissed at the same moment. Ludivine rolled her eyes, but disappeared from view. There was a shout from above, a crashing clang of armor, and then the louder crash of the heavy grill slamming closed. Ludvine soon reappeared, blood on her knuckles and a satisfied smile on her pretty face.

Cael shuddered, but managed to turn to Erik.

"There better be a back door or something we can use to get out of here."

Not sure if midnight's the deadline - though it would be par for the course with the two-weeks deadline - so this note is included as a failsafe: all bunnies and edits in this thread were done with permission.

Cael would like to keep the map as a spoil: it has no magic properties, it is simply a very up-to-date map of Salvar's portal network on kidskin.

[Saxon]

Sorry about such a long wait for the judgment. What with Pat stepping down and the shuffle of feet behind the curtain, things have been a bit out of place lately. That being said, this was a very interesting battle that held my attention along the entire way. Both of you have the makings of good writers and it was evident in what I saw displayed here.

I also wanted to point something out before I get into the meat of the judgment;

This battle was far too short. Most of the time you had allotted to you was spent having Cael and Vesparian mince words, and if it wasn't for your respective characters and their personalities I'd have probably taken an axe to some of the areas of your score. Remember that when operating in a tournament you are operating to the standard you agreed to volunteer for. If the tournament guidelines say that you need to fight, then you'd better have your characters fight. If it says to fight for the entire thread, then words between characters should be kept at a minimum and the focus should be entirely on the fighting. Never underestimate how many points can be taken off your score if you ignore either of these.

I've also been at fault for this before, but time management and what is done with your characters in that time is essential to getting favorable judgments. Remember that and work on it for next time.

Now, onto the judgment.

The International

STORY

Continuity - 5/10 - I had a little bit of trouble following you in your introduction, International. The biggest thing were the mountains of paragraphs you left for me and other readers to digest. I'm not saying myself and others can't hurdle those kinds of hills to get what you're trying to say, but a lot of details really do get lost in the mix if you do this. The reason for it I'll describe later in your mechanics score, but I really advise you to avoid such lengthy paragraphs in the future.

I understood that this was a heist, the Villenueve(sp?) family was on a job to recover artifacts for the Corone Rangers and the way you went about doing it. With that, everything from your first post was strictly textbook. You gave out information by the handful and didn't add much meat to it which makes it hard to get into your side of the story. I was pleasantly surprised, though, that you seemed to hit your stride immediately after this post and that this sort of textbook need-to-know information for the reader was immediately discarded. Remember next time that your introduction is like a first impression and first impressions mean everything because you only get to do it once.

If a reader isn't hooked after the second or third paragraph, there's a good chance they aren't going to stick around to read the rest off it. Remember that for the next time you try to bait your hook and you should be seeing higher scores here.

Setting - 5/10 - Like I said above, the introduction here was kind've sloppy and since both your setting and continuity were tied directly into that post both of your scores suffered for it. You seemed to set the stage and eventually did a better job of it, but it seemed a bit murky. You did seem to make good use of the vault once you were in it and described it the best you can, just remember that a setting isn't just a backdrop or a prop, it's just as important as the characters roaming around in it. For that reason, it should be given the same amount of attention if not more when trying to build it.

Pacing - 6/10 - The pacing here started off really rocky, but you immediately got back on your feet and started running with it. Your score in this area was decent, but it could've been much higher if Vesparian and Cael had cut the jib and started fighting immediately instead of spending over half the battle describing how each of them were feeling and exchanging words. I understood both of them had a history, but fights are rarely ever this long and drawn out.

CHARACTER

Dialogue - 7/10 - The dialogue here was decent the farther into the thread I got. I think you just had a hard time getting this battle off the ground to start with, but you seemed to adapt to it very quickly. The dialogue from your characters wasn't sterling, but it wasn't bad either. You definitely know who your characters are and what they'd say in any given situation, but now the next task is to start working on adding to the polish of your dialogue and making it less about one-liners and more about showing the personalities of your characters through them. You're on the brink of doing this, I think, you just need some more practice.

Action - 5/10 - For what little action there was, I found myself impressed. Action isn't always about fighting. It has to do with what your character does and how he moves. It's pretty basic stuff, but you'd be surprised how many people get low scores in this area by ignoring it. However, Action does get more complex when you start throwing in situations where your character needs to fight or run in a dynamic situation which makes it considerably more challenging to hold a reader's attention if it isn't done right.

You made Vesparian seem very vivid and memorable, but my biggest beef was that you spent far too much time dressing him up that fighting seemed to become secondary. This is a combative tournament, and to fight is your objective. Never forget your objective in anything and always complete it to the best of your ability and you'll never go wrong.

Persona - 6/10 - Vesparian came to life here.. eventually. Your characters do seem to have a lot of wit and methodology behind them, but you seem to be in the early stages of bringing that out. Your main character seemed to come out well, but the rest of his family were more like caricatures then people. Don't worry, if I had a nickel for every time I had to tell people I'm judging to work on this I'd be able to retire early. Remember that your characters, both the main cast and NPCs, are all people. What they say and do color the opinions of the reader, so therefore you should try your best to make them appear as close to human as possible to leave the best impression on the reader or the judge.

WRITING STYLE

Mechanics - 4/10 - You had quite a few spelling errors at the beginning, but it didn't seem to show towards the end of the thread. Remember that when finishing a post, spellcheck and proofreading are your best friends. Nobody likes to read over spelling errors, and that's why editing is just as important as writing for a writer. You won't catch everything, nobody ever does on their own, but a well-trained eye can tell the difference between someone's occasional spelling error and their laziness. Work on it.

What hurt your score the most overall was your introduction, International. If you haven't seen already, a poor first impression can dramatically alter your score compared to what you would be getting if you set the stage fluidly and avoided trying to hand out essential information in chunks. Avoid massive paragraphs for the simple reason that if it isn't something you wouldn't want to read, other readers won't either. The other problem with big paragraphs is that there is a lot of information in there and it's easy to confuse details or completely forget what you just read at the end of them. It's more of a psychological ascetic then a mechanical nuance, but it's very important to keep in mind for next time.

Technique - 6/10 -

Clarity - 6/10 - After the murky introduction I didn't have much trouble understanding what you were saying or trying to do. With a better introduction you would have been able to hold my attention the entire time with clear, concise writing and would've probably gotten a much higher score in this area. Keep this in mind for next time.

Wild Card - 4/10 - I enjoyed the premise behind this battle and I feel that having a bit of a story in a battle makes things much more entertaining and helps draw the reader in. For your efforts, I'm giving you and Inkfinger both 4 points in the Wild Card. Good job.

TOTAL: 54/100

Inkfinger

STORY

Continuity - 7/10 - From the onset, you hit the ground running, Ink. I definitely knew by the end of your first post what Cael was doing and why he was there which is what continuity is all about. You did a very good job of painting a good picture for the introduction and I've always been intrigued with the way Cael seems to be the henchman for somebody every time I read about him. Interesting quirk.

Setting - 6/10 - The setting was described well and you even used parts of it to add to the gusto of your character which is a very good habit to have. I just think that the setting could've been brought to life and into the forefront more than it had been, which seemed to be a mutual mistake between you and International.

Pacing - 7/10 - You may be in the New Blood bracket, but you write like a Veteran. The pacing here was quick and concise, but I think what you really need to work on is that when in a fight the chitchat needs to be cut to a minimum. If you had spent more time in this thread fighting rather then mincing words with International, you'd have a better score in this area.

CHARACTER

Dialogue - 8/10 - Cael and every one of your other characters always seem to take on a life of their own and that is usually through their thoughts and dialogue. Your strength is definitely in this area and from everything I've read of this battle, you made great use of it. My only nitpick is to watch the words you choose to emphasize by italicizing/underlining, because there was one or two times you chose the wrong word to hang your character's emphasis off of. Other then that, it was truly well done.

Action - 7/10 - Cael is not a fighter and you don't pretend to make him one, and that was very clear throughout this thread. Identifying with your characters strengths and weaknesses to make them more lifelike is very handy because not everyone is a juggernaut who can dominate in a fight, but you definitely dominated in this area by establishing Cael's presence as being submissive and more academic then that of a fighter.

Persona - 10/10 - All of your characters have a mind of their own and I seldom have ever seen you write a character that I couldn't run into on the street. Having that kind of attention to detail and control is definitely the work of a well-practiced writer. Keep up the excellent work.

WRITING STYLE

Mechanics - 7/10 - I found a few spelling errors here and there, but nothing really to cry over. You have a definite grasp over what you're writing and make a good show of it. Keep it up.

Technique - 10/10 - I really enjoyed what you wrote throughout the battle, because not only did you do it very well but it was entirely you. What makes or breaks a writer isn't essentially what they write but how they write it, and you definitely have found your voice here. For that reason I gave you a perfect 10 here.

Clarity - 8/10 - Your writing is very vivid and clear, and I had little trouble following what you were trying to say throughout the entire thread. I want to put up a red flag though to get you to watch your commas because you seem to be very liberal with them, and while it isn't always a bad thing if used in excess you can have the same problem as people who write in fragmented sentences. Keep that in mind.

Wild Card - 4/10 - The premise of this story was intriguing, and both you and International seemed to work very hard to keep it that way. While I found the fighting itself questionable, the story itself kept my interest. For your creativity, I gave you both 4 points in wild card. Good job.

TOTAL: 74/100

International: 54
Inkfinger: 74

Inkfinger wins and moves onto the next round!

Inkfinger receives 900 EXP, 200 GP and her spoils are approved. Nice job!

International receives 180 EXP and 200 GP for his efforts. In addition, Vesparian makes off from the museum with a glass vase sought after by an enterprising collector. It is valued currently at 300 GP, but if haggled right at the bazaar he could probably make off with 450 GP.

[Taskmienster]

Added!

Inkfinger levels up to 2!