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Thread: One Error Begets Another

  1. #11
    Member
    EXP: 46,568, Level: 9
    Level completed: 26%, EXP required for next level: 7,432
    Level completed: 26%,
    EXP required for next level: 7,432
    GP
    3163
    Visla Eraclaire's Avatar

    Name
    Visla Layne Eraclaire
    Age
    26
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Raw Umber Brown
    Eye Color
    Hazel
    Build
    5'3" / 115 lbs

    Valshadar's grip on his blade loosened, just as it was pressed ever so slightly against Visla's skin. Blood poured from his chest, his back, his arms. A dozen blades had dug into his flesh as he remained fixed on but one thing. Aelva drew back bloody claws and the soldiers flicked the blood from their blades as his body fell limp onto the ground. The same as his followers, his spirit held no sustainence for the Godshard.

    As Visla stepped over him a bed of sweat trickled down her neck. Her knew that Aelva would have absorbed the blow for her, but her heart still beat swiftly. She thought she would never get used to facing death like this, and she hoped that soon it would be a rare enough occurrence that her inability to adapt would no longer be a burden. The soldiers marched behind her, bearing torches, as she continued on to examine the rest of the cave. Before she turned the corner, she gave a glance to the children. The commander had finally stepped down from his horse and brought up another mount from further down the path. He was helping the girl up onto its back as Visla glanced back at him. There was compassion in his heart, if only for his own kind.

    Within the dark caverns, Visla found a vast alchemy lab with vials of a dozen different ingredients all flowing to make the slick black poison that was at the root of all this. She ordered the men to gather what they could and they obeyed. The warlock remained somewhat surprised that strange soldiers would heed her commands, but it was a satisfying discovery. The rest of the cavern held little else. Most importantly, it held no more monks, and Visla was forced to witness no more thoughtless slaying. The eyes of the man from the makeshift hospital still haunted her, though she never saw them. They glared back with the blue hue she had imparted to them until she shook her head and banished them. The last thing she found was a small stable for the saint's horse. It slung its head low, as if it knew of the horrible deeds done above. Visla took its reins and it followed her out from the cave and back to the surface.

    When she finally returned to the entrance, her eyes took a moment to adjust to the light. It was nearly mid-day and she had not rested since two nights back. She pulled herself up into saddle of the fallen saint's horse and Aelva joined her, taking the reins. Visla's eyes fell closed and she slept the remainder of the journey back to the nearby Baron's keep. On the horse beside her, the frail young girl had fallen asleep in her brother's arms.

    When she awoke again, it was to a great banquet in her honor. As usual, she ate little, even as she sat at the head table with the rescued children. The Baron there spoke highly of her deeds, her heroism, and her service to the League. The children and their mother embraced and the crowd cheered. All the while, Visla whispered to her succubus the truth of what had happened, a tale of an unchaste cleric, a thoughtless father, and a family nearly ruined by misfortune.

    In turn, Aelva told her summoner of how the League's forces had come to her rescue. Impatient with waiting, from the mountain's peak, she had caught sight of a group out on patrol and lured them over with balefire signals and suspicious blots of darkness on the horizon. They were more than eager to sack the monastery once she told them of it and showed them the message Visla had left behind. The only cause of delay was her being summoned from their midst in the middle of her explanation. Visla conceded that the succubus' plan was far better than her own, though she wished she had been told of it before the soldiers pried open the doors.

    “And with the heroic Lady Eraclaire, we send word to Baron Roinberg that his family is safe once more. And with that word of hope, she will bring the weapon that will be our salvation, that he might join the fight at Knife's Edge and bring an end to the Church once and for all!”

    The Baron's speech concluded to thunderous applause and Visla nodded, accepting the charge. She would bring word to Roinberg, whose name she had not even heard until this moment. She would bring the poison he brewed in his basement. She would bring it and bury it in his heart for what he did to his daughter.
    Last edited by Visla Eraclaire; 10-09-09 at 01:04 PM.
    We talkin bout practice
    Not a game, not a game, not a game
    We talkin bout practice

  2. #12
    Member
    EXP: 46,568, Level: 9
    Level completed: 26%, EXP required for next level: 7,432
    Level completed: 26%,
    EXP required for next level: 7,432
    GP
    3163
    Visla Eraclaire's Avatar

    Name
    Visla Layne Eraclaire
    Age
    26
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Raw Umber Brown
    Eye Color
    Hazel
    Build
    5'3" / 115 lbs

    Out of Character:
    Spoils:

    Godshard Body Count: 12 loyal monks of the Sway, 1 visionary healer saint

    After consuming the saint's soul, the Godshard now allows Visla to heal wounds by a laying of hands once a day, so long as the ring has absorbed at least one divine spell. The ability is capable of sealing up any normal wounds and easing pain. Serious internal trauma remains.

    The Saint's Mount: Visla may now ride the fine white horse belonging to the fallen saint. It is unusually intelligent for a beast and is barded with armor and capable of being ridden into battle. This spoil is temporary for the moment and will persist only till the end of the FQ. The possible permanent addition of it can be discussed then.

    The Black Poison: In addition to the stores of poison Visla is carrying to Baron Roinberg, she had stored away a vial for herself. This spoil is only for use in the next quest and cannot be used in battle or kept outside the FQ.
    We talkin bout practice
    Not a game, not a game, not a game
    We talkin bout practice

  3. #13
    Member
    GP
    680
    Saxon's Avatar

    Name
    Thomas Saxon
    Age
    37
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    6'1''/201 lbs.
    Job
    Hunter

    Yet another installment of your story within the FQ. Color me impressed, because after reading it I see that you've taken much of my advice to heart and have improved with your storytelling in many of the areas you were having trouble with earlier. As I mentioned in your previous judgment, I suspected that many areas of your score were adversely affected by the time it took you to complete that quest. Having read a more relaxed, drawn-out version of your work I feel myself hungry and eager for more. Great job, Visla and I can't wait to read the next installment of this story.


    STORY

    Continuity - 10/10 - By dividing these stories up you've been able to give them the proper attention they deserve and therefore they each bear an important piece needed for the overall story. I really like that form of strategy when telling a story and I wish it were used more. It really lets me and other readers focus on the objective of each of your installments and they seem more like chapters out of a book than play-by-play post threads on a fantasy roleplaying site.

    That being said, the continuance of this story having read the first thread was obvious. I really enjoyed it, and you left nothing out of the previous thread in this one that would lead a reader astray as long as they were keeping up with the story. That's a key technique, because even though much of the burden of responsibility is on the writer to engineer an intriguing story to grip a reader, it's also up to us to read what you've written and develop a comprehensive understanding of it.

    Setting - 9/10 - This setting really came to life here, and I saw the monastery in the mountain very vividly and it felt almost like I was there with your characters. While the setting wasn't much utilized or taken advantage of, you did more then your share when trying to make use of what you described. While I reserve 10s in scores not as a sign of perfection in one area but as a signal of truly exemplerary work, I give the next of best to those who do everything that is asked of them in a particular score and then some. For that reason, I gave you a 9.

    Pacing - 8/10 - The pacing here was great. There were no dips in the story that left me bored or disinterested, and I was really on the edge of my seat as I was reading post after post. Of course, I think it may have started off a little slow, but I believe when setting up a story properly that's to be expected. You need to describe the environment, the plot and everything to get the reader prepared to eat the pulp of the story later. You did so sucessfully.

    My only problem with this story in terms of pacing was Aelva's summoning and the League's arrival. While I assume Aelva's coordination with the League was a last minute tie of loose ends, I think that it could've been much better prepared. When the League came in to beat down the door, I was really sort of dumbfounded. After all the explanation as to how this fortress was well hidden and everything, I kind of found myself at a loss how the League wandered over to the fortress at just the right time to save Visla and crew from a brutal ending. However, your explanation at the last post through Aelva tied it all together and allevied any confusion I might have had, even if it was really puzzling at first. Just watch out for disconnected conclusions like this when in the middle of action because it can really throw a reader through a loop.

    CHARACTER

    Dialogue - 10/10 - The dialogue in this installment was superb. Everybody who talked seemed to have a purpose while being painted as actual people who have problems and personalities of their own. I think you successfully have given Church members their area at the table to express themselves what with the Saint's plight and past sins as well as Valshadar's immoral yet completely understandable behavior. The reason why I'm mentioning this now rather then later in the score is that you really achieved this through dialogue and descriptions, and it seems that communication is really your source of strength as a writer. The strength of your Dialogue helped supplement many areas of your score, giving you much higher marks in many areas than you would have if you had weaker dialogue.

    This isn't a bad thing, because every writer is really different in their styles and how they approach writing things. For example, my strength in writing is really describing and utilizing action in a story whereas I generally suck at dialogue, so I try to make up for it by using communication strategically and maximizing the use of action in threads. In any case, you showed a definite mastery at working with dialogue and I felt a need to give you a 10 here. Keep it up.

    Action - 8/10 - Though the action was limited in this thread, when it happened it played out very well. I was expecting more violence and action in this thread, but that might have been just to sate my own bloodthirst, and in any case you delivered on your promise from the previous thread. Action was delivered and performed well, and even when you weren't fighting you utilized the saint's active gestures to keep the reader drawn into what could otherwise be described as some long-winded, if interesting speeches. You're definitely on your way to acheiving a 10 in this area.

    Persona - 9/10 - Pretty much what I mentioned in Dialogue. You painted every character in here successfully as people and I got the feeling that if I had been in this story I could really talk and relate to these people and their problems. As I've mentioned, Dialogue is definitely your source of strength when writing, and when you do it successfully it helps support many other areas of your score. The Church members here were performed and used well in the story and you've overcomed that particular weakness in your previous thread of not giving characters outside your main cast room for growth. The thing to remember is that a supporting cast is there for just that reason. To support. There's a reason why there was so much talk of why people wanted Heath Ledger to get a posthumous oscar for best supporting actor in the Dark Knight and that was simply because his shocking and stellar performance helped support the overall story and strengthen the roles of the rest of the cast members.

    While not every character needs to pull a Heath Ledger to get a reader hooked, it's a strategy that really works if you use your supporting characters properly and give them the attention they deserve. Be aware of it, don’t forget your supporting cast and you’ll never go wrong.

    WRITING STYLE

    Mechanics - 7/10 - You definitely possess a mastery over the english language and seem to be very successful with it when you write. Much of your work that I've read so far is definitely quality stuff, almost to the point that I'd even go so far to challenge you to write a book because I think you'd be successful with it if you attempted it.

    However, there were a lot more errors in this thread then there were in the last, at least from what I spotted. I think this is more because I'm growing familiar with your work and I'm able to confidently spot spelling and grammar mistakes then I would if I were looking at your work for the first time. There were very, very few errors here, and none of it really detracted from the story but I think mechanics is always something we as writers need to constantly work on. Mechanics such as spelling and grammar are our bread and butter, and if given perfect marks in it all the time we as judges would be doing you a disservice in giving you over-confidence in that area that could even border on neglecting the fundamentals.

    Here are some of the spelling errors I caught and the corrections:

    siccophantic = sycophantic
    sustainance = sustenance

    While these are really campy, minor errors I feel that lower marks will at least put up a red flag for you to be aware that this area of your storytelling is dipping and it needs some attention. In any case, I believe you'll go stronger from it.

    Technique - 8/10 - Your analogies and metaphors in this thread were very, very good. I often found myself reading them, such as the Saint's explanation as to why she wanted the eldest son to go with Visla, as very fitting. You definitely take advantage of your firm grasp over english and use it to the best of your ability. I've also noticed by the way you're breaking up these threads and some of the hurried explanations in some areas of your stories that you've often used technique strategically which is the sign of a good writer. Keep it up.

    Clarity - 7/10 - There was very little I didn't understand when reading this thread. The only thing that threw me through a loop was the arrival of league soldiers, but that was eventually remedied by Aelva's explanation at the end of the thread. Just be mindful of it next time, but otherwise everything in this thread was crystal clear and concise making for an easy, but enjoyable read.

    Wild Card - 6/10 - You've taken advice I've given you to heart and attempted to improve in areas that you were hurting in and did so successfully. I believe that is to be rewarded because it's often that members will ignore advice given to them and take only what they want to hear. You understood what I was asking of you and did everything you could to build on your flaws which is all I or any judge should ask of you. For that, I've given you 6 points in the Wild Card.

    TOTAL: 82/100

    Given the award of 2x experience for completing a quest within the time frame of the chapter and the 1.5x multiplier of an Approved Quest you've gained 10,530 EXP. You've leveled to 6, Congratulations!

    You've also earned 500 GP.

    All of your spoils are approved, and you can keep the saint's horse permanently if you choose. You've earned it.

    The League has also been awarded 2 points for the completion of this quest.
    Last edited by Saxon; 10-11-09 at 08:40 PM.
    HEY! If you are judging or adding experience to a quest of mine, READ THIS!

    ~~Fibonacci's Tales ~~
    To Trump A Bluff.. (Best Quest of 2007)
    Almost Heroes

    "To be evil is easy. It is far easier to destroy the light inside of someone then the darkness all around you." -The Night Watch

  4. #14
    Iwishlifehadcheatcodes
    EXP: 23,421, Level: 6
    Level completed: 49%, EXP required for next level: 3,579
    Level completed: 49%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,579
    GP
    4,371
    Taskmienster's Avatar

    Name
    Einar Fenrisson
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown, buzz cut mohawk
    Eye Color
    hazel
    Build
    6'2" / 315
    Job
    Outcast Noble

    View Profile
    3345 is base * 2 for this being an Approved Quest = 6691 exp gained.

    Regular FQ threads are going to be receiving 1.5x bonuses, but approved quests will be getting 2x.

    Visla is now level 6!

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