The forthcoming judgment is somewhat harsh, but I wouldn't give it if I didn't respect you as a writer who can do better. I just read a better topic that you submitted in tandem with this one. I hope that you will compare the judgments, the threads, and perhaps garner something worthwhile. Clearly, you are someone with all the tools, insight, and skill to be a very good writer. This thread is overgrown, lacking elegance, strangled of its simplicity. It's very unfortunate, and the review is probably somewhat harsh because it comes right on the heels of a thread I so thoroughly enjoyed. I hope that you will not find any of this to be unfair, and if so do please speak with me about it. Your potential was ill-spent here. You earn a decent score on the back of a firm grip on writing. It is difficult to give you scores that are below average, because my disappointment stems from someone who has all the tools to be great being merely average. Take this average score to suggest just that; your grip on the basics keeps a flawed story from slipping into oblivion.
Story ~ 14
Continuity The second post gives a decent idea of the lead up to where Ingwe is now and recites it in some detail, while linking it to a present event. The thread obviously occupies a very important place in your story, but I think you do this crowning moment somewhat of an injustice as I will describe below. 6
Setting Somewhat lacking in the first location, but fairly well painted in the feasting hall, there are hints of atmosphere as we go and they're fairly good in the great chamber where Ingwe receives his armor, but none are spectacular. 5
Pacing Escalation in the bar fight was done decently, but I had the nagging feeling that it was just a strange place for your character to be. I'll have more on that later. Just as drama is building over the confrontation in the feast hall, it's suddenly diffused. It seemed too easy, given the time spent setting it up. The transition between post #5 and post #6 was awkward. Why did we suddenly cut to evening? Shouldn't he go back to transcribing and considering that book? Isn't that what really matters? I was convinced to care about it by the first two posts and suddenly I'm supposed to care more about a sparring match. The important matter of the thread doesn't even seem to start until post #7 and by then I've been frustrated by several of the items mentioned elsewhere. 3
Character ~ 16
Dialogue Your dialogue leading up to the drunken fight was fairly good. It was bland during the sparring and it didn't get much better. All in all, bland with a few redeeming lines. I tried to discuss this some in your other thread and I would reiterate those issues here. Ingwe's final speech is one of the better moments, but it doesn't stand alone to elevate the dialogue of this thread generally above an average performance. Moreover, I attribute it more to your Persona score than here, because it is good in how it shows him, not so much in how it is phrased. 5
Action The first true action taken in the thread is a thrust at the shutters of a window. The text tells me Ingwe is frustrated, but the thoughts right before it just don't sell that emotion, not to the extent that it would make a person who is carefully reading an ancient text take a swing at an inanimate object. Maybe some action of frustration, but “thrusting violently” just seems off. When actions really start up, I'm left somewhat confused as to how a dwarf barreled into a sudden assault by an elf on a human didn't just immediately cause the whole situation to degenerate, especially given the inebriation levels. Quite the contrary happens, and I'm not sure that's sufficiently explained. The situation is presented as so tense and yet it calms so suddenly.
I give you credit for jarring your audience with Glorfindel's sudden sword strike, but it was startling and puzzling at the same time. It came off as wanting to be significant but not quite making it. In the next post you suggest he was just trying to get there on time and it was not some big test, but I dunno. It came off very strangely. 4
Persona As mentioned in the other thread, your internal monologues are somewhat stilted and don't read believably as someone's actual train of thought. They seem too wordy. Ingwe seems to have a regimented thought pattern and it is somewhat more believable here, but it still concerns me. Your main character here is a reluctant hero who really doesn't get all that much characterization. People clearly respect him to a degree, presumably based on his past actions, but why did he have to be the one to deal with the bar fight? It seems to have worked out well, but not for any particularly well articulated reason. He gets punched, the Elf feels bad, it's all over. I dunno. Those NPCs were written well with dialogue but ended up as kind of flat racial stereotypes in the end. Ingwe himself is a reluctant hero, we're clearly informed of that. It's a character type that I have a personal distaste for, but I will not let that bother me. He is well characterized to that extent. I think many of the problems I feel seep into persona are really originating elsewhere and so I will give you credit for a solid character in a somewhat flawed story. His refusal makes a great deal of sense but at the same time it doesn't qite jive with all his insecurity. If you were intentionally hiding what all his angst was about so that he could reveal that it was not his fear but the fear for Raiaria and the lack of restraint in using the regalia, well done then. I have to guess at that, so obviously it could be done somewhat more cleanly. I'm not sure if I believe Ingwe when he says those things because of how he's been characterized up to that point. Still, he's quite solid. His final written piece is enjoyable, but still a bit stilted. It gets a pass because it is written. 7
Writing ~ 18
Technique Careful of the use of Latin or Elvish followed by a translation. Worse than that is just throwing around elvish words for no reason at all that your audience doesn't have a prayer of really guessing. A few can add flavor, more than that just sounds silly and unhelpful, e.g. “admist the shimmering ithilmar and the burnished gromril” “drew his tanto from their saya.” Also, your other thread had some very potent single line paragraphs at the end of posts, but I think “Only the silence remained to watch him leave” kind of falls flat and seems out of place. This thread was much less elegant than your other one. The metaphors when used were simply less poetic and didn't tie in as well. It may simply have been colored by other factors, but it is often difficult to separate. Things here were competent but not much more. I would urge you to make more threads like your one with Yuka and less ones like this. I think your first two and very last posts had some real flair, but it seemed to dwindle a bit inbetween. 6
Mechanics As I mentioned in your other threat and will not repeat at length, elipses should be used more judiciously, especially in what is supposed to be a reproduction of a written account. The image of Elraland pecking out three dots with his quill really magnifies the issue. I almost thought the word “Leaguer” was a typo, but I looked up the history and realized it was, unfortunately, not. What a strange word (don't worry, it doesn't cost points). There is a sentence fragment of the type mentioned in the other judgment at the end of the third paragraph of Post #2. There is a typographical error word=>words in paragraph seven of that same post. Paragraph 13 has though=>thought. Post #3's first paragraph has butcher=>butchery. I'm not going to fill up the page, none were devastating or terribly confusing. Still, another editing pass might be well-advised. 7
Clarity Word choice. In your first post, “blinkered” means the same as narrow-minded and is being used in a place where it can be deciphered from the context, but I still think it detracts from the writing. Maybe I'm just a little “blinkered” but I think many people would be unfamiliar with the word and it doesn't really add anything but obscurity. In your second post, a “muted sigh” is said to echo. Normal sighs are so quiet that it's questionable whether they'd echo, much less a muted one. You also have “his fingers absently fingered.” Small hangups that serve a stumbling blocks for the reader and I think just stem from incautious word choice. I think you should take heart that your writing is solid enough that I need to focus on these little matters, but they really do distinguish between good and great, ultimately. While those minor items are the only things I bring up anew in clarity, there are obviously many issues I've already mentioned in pacing and action which bear on clarity and do so negatively. 5
Wildcard I was disappointed. Your other thread was good and you are clearly a competent writer, but this thread frustrated me to no end. I could not go more than a sentence without stumbling over some italicized elven word that added nothing to my experience. It was like being bludgeoned in the head by a stick that said, “We are in Elfland and this guy knows Elvish!” I felt your other thread overused Japanese a bit, but this one was much worse with the elvish. The thread seems to meander and doesn't really feel like it has much of a point. I realize it's a “gaiden” but it's about the main character during an important time and it takes a break for a bar fight. You're an excellent writer with a lot of potential, Flames. I know you said this thread just kept growing, but maybe you let it grow out of hand. 2
Final Score: 50
Flames of Hyperion gains 1710 base exp and 50 GP.
I will leave the base and let determinations be made on the FQ bonuses. I believe they are 1.5
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