Legion of Light VI: Commentary where necessary, and as needed. I’ll be working on this for you. Just PM me if you have questions or concerns.
Continuity 7.5
:: The flashbacks, the memories, they were perfectly timed to allow for the reader to get a good idea of who Yuka was. However, I’d suggest a little more, maybe focus a little more on the present path than the past. The goal was clear enough, to escape, but beyond that it was a bit lost amidst the flashes of past memories and present weather.
Setting 8.5
:: Exquisite, to the point of bordering perfection. My only qualm is what I feel like I’m reiterating to death… there’s simply too much setting and not enough of everything else. I feel like it completely envelops your posts, the story, and the attention of the reader.
Pacing 5
:: You tend to write very long, elaborate, and overly flowery sentences. It cuts the pace to a degree because it makes the reader invest more time into following the flow of the sentences and finding where one thought leads to another amidst all the comma’s. I’d suggest trying to throw in some shorter sentences to serve as means of delivering emphasis to the aspects of the narrative that are most important. It will help slow the pace enough for the reader to follow, without completely killing the style of writing you prefer.
Dialogue 8
Action 6
:: The actions that you did were well formed, as if you know the character very well, but are hard to follow with how long the sentences are that I remarked about in the pacing. It’s hard to really get into the action of the character when the setting and narrative are so dominant in the writing, leaving the reader knowing more about the dynamics of a snowflake falling than what the character looking at it is doing.
Persona 6.5
:: [[Another time, perhaps, the dark-haired, alabaster-skinned young woman might have admired the skilful magic that had crafted her foes; for now, she was simply content with sending it a silent curse.]] From post 4 :: Why would you admire something that is trying to kill you and has nearly destroyed everything that Raiaera once was? I’m not really sure what it is that makes you want to admire that, maybe the magic that went into it and your appreciation for complex spells… maybe just because it’s a worth foe? Whatever the case, a little bit of reason behind it would have helped a lot with developing the character a little more.
Technique 8
Mechanics 7.5
Clarity 5.5
:: [[The snowfall seemed to symbolise that Lady Winter herself realised this, and had gathered her powers unto her for one last show of might before she finally relinquished her grip.]] Post 1 :: The way it is worded is confusing, despite making a little sense. I’d suggest taking things like this and reading it out loud to make sure that it makes as much sense out loud as does when you’re writing it.
Wild Card 7
Score: 69.5
Rewards:
Wings :: 3200 exp * 1.5 for it being in the FQ = 4800 exp | 1500 gold * 1.5 for FQ = 2250