This is a difficult thread to judge, given that is incomplete, but long enough to deserve judgement. You’ve both done very well to get this far in the Magus Cup, and congratulations are to be awarded to the both of you for your efforts thus far! So, may the best creature win, and more importantly, the scores: (Inkfinger’s Scores are on the left, Sumner’s the right).
Story: (24/20)
Continuity: (8/6) Inkfinger sets the scene and keeps the pace, clear as day. Sumnner, your character is disjointed and wonderfully melancholic, and you write it well, but it does not lend itself well to the flow and time line of a thread. Having said that, you utilise one another’s end line in posts to keep momentum, and both should be commended for working against, but also with one another in this thread. To improve, I’d avoid same word connections, whilst it’s a basic and solid technique, you’re both beyond that.
Setting: (8/8) Dead heading here, Inkfinger’s dialogue and character really sets the scene on the boat, whilst Sumnner’s physical, concrete and adept descriptions of the movements and the fighting fill the holes.
Pacing: (6/6) Can’t help but feel you’ve both been caught up too much in your own ideological worlds here. Cael’s thoughts and speech go from amply ambitious and well adjusted, to too involved in the nitty gritty, same for Sumnner’s description of character’s movements; giving rise to some awkward continuining sentences which will reflect on the scores below.
Character: (27/20)
Dialogue: (10/9) Flawless work from the both of you. In all fairness, the only reason I didn’t award a ten to the both of you is because Sumnner isn’t altogether that vocal – but he ‘speaks’ enough in his thoughts and there’s persona positively dripping from you both.
Action: (7/6) Whilst the description is good, and the dialogue between every explosion and blade swing is some of the best on the site, the action does not conjure up a clear and easy to read image. I’ve commented on the disjointed imagery and the difficult sentence structure in Sumnner’s work before, and whilst it’s dramatically improving, the same stale and disassociated problems still exist.
Persona: (10/5) Having judged a thread by Inkfinger recently, it’s clear the same level of personality is reflected upon in this work too, although more short. I get the sense of whom and what Jason is, but it does not transcribe well here. In other works, such as your battle with Task and Shifting Leaves, you utilise thought and description to explain and describe the turbulent emotions inside your character’s head far better than here – there is simple reference and preference, as with "What am I doing? What the hell is going on? We aren't supposed to be here! What is happening to me!?" But I can’t help but feel as if this is no longer enough to satisfy; either reduce this amount of abject confusion in your character, or play to the strengths of this disconnection, and focus on one perception or the other, but not both.
Writing: (23/18)
Technique: (7/6) A little too much stage direction from Inkfinger, in the form of italics and underlining. Which this is not an inherently bad thing, it overshadows the competent dialogue and well wrought description. It’s simply not needed in such abundance, even if it does annunciate every little nuance in Cael’s life. I did like the transition between Sumnner and the Captain – I felt this was a good use of npc’s to deviate from the norm and you both bounced of one another’s ideas to keep your writing methodology up there above the majority of people. Commendable effort; for Inkfinger, I suggest using the words to describe, as opposed to formatting so much in the future, and for Sumnner, it’d have to be, be more wary of repetition in thought and apathy in your character. You both possess the ground rules to a tee, so mingle identity with literary technique to draw on your strengths.
Mechanics: (8/8) Both have very little flaws, only thing I noticed (and I’m not the most astute of readers when checking for mechanical errors, unless glaring) has to have been:[quote] if you going to be noble at least be brave about it.[/i] Which is a fairly minor typing error in itself.
Clarity: (8/4) Hard to keep track of Sumnner’s movements himself, as he’s often observing or you use secondary description to place him in the events on the shop. Competency far overshadows this slight mar in your writing it can be said, but be more mindful of how you use the perspective and tense you’ve imaginatively blended, when describing events and the movements of the world you’re role-playing in. The latter can be said for both of you, there’s still room for improvement.
Wild Card: (8/4) I’d loved to have seen how this panned out, but it simply didn’t. Of course, life is a horrible thing and it gets in the way, but as it stands, what was written by Inkfinger is more enjoyable and characterful and it’s a shame it petered out. Perhaps, if you two wished, you could repeat a similar scenario after the tournament is over, there’s something building up here that could have been beautiful, a bit like Michael Jackson’s O2 Tour.
Total Score: (80/62)
Congratulations to Inkfinger, who takes 3rd place!
Inkfinger receives 1250 xp and 250 gold! Inkfinger gains a level!
Spoils:
Inkfinger & Sumnner - (Yo Ho Ho And A Bottle Of...) You awake the next day, or perhaps week or month, to find a bottle of rum resting on your pillow. How it got there is of little consequence to you, but you find that the label reads 'Ye Dockkes Rum.' Upon corking it, you'll find it has a pleasant enough aroma for paintstripper, and that it tastes not too much different from it's namesake - even if it does have a stale aftertaste and it burns your tongue. For each quarter of the bottle drunk, the drinker will find himself inexplicably capable of understanding, and speaking, fluent pirate, and will understand the laws and reasoning and logic of such a scoundrel of the seas. The effects of this will last for roughly a thread, but will leave you somewhat inebriated in doing so - best to keep it as a party trick, or just in case.
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