The Corruption of Calbrena (Solo)

[Aiko]

An hour later, Calbrena stepped foot into Pride's meditation chamber. It was twenty feet across, and hexagonal in shape. Four columns stood in the center on a raised platform, each leaving a five foot foot space to enter a central five foot square spot where a large purple cushion with gold seams sat on the floor. The room itself was sparsely decorated, having only a few golden braziers in which burned fires of different colors, each one a different color of the rainbow. Incense burned from holders throughout the room, making Calbrena's mind feel hazy.

Pride herself sat on the purple cushion deep in meditation. Calbrena could feel her power throughout the room. Unsure of whether she should disturb her sister or just leave her alone, Calbrena stood there watching her. Pride's wings were held erect. She was the only sin to have angel wings, but these were made of black feathers. Pride looked like a fallen angel, her beauty surpassed all mortals. Few indeed were those who could claim to be more beautiful than her, but if this claim was true or not was for the beholder to decide. Calbrena wondered if there was a reason her hands were joined together, as though in prayer, and decided it was simply a part of Pride's meditation position.

The sin was perfectly still, her legs crossed before her. Her eyes were closed, and her hair fell to the middle of her back, it was as black as her wings, as black as her eyes, and some would say, as black as her heart. Her skin was perfect, not a single flaw dared show itself, thus her skin was remarkably fair. Calbrena circled the platform, looking at her sister. Calbrena wondered if this really was her sister, or a very lifelike statue. When Pride finally spoke, Calbrena almost jumped out of her skin in surprise.

“Enjoying my beauty, sister dear?” Pride asked.

There was only one rule when dealing with Pride, always compliment her at every available moment.

“Yes, I was just trying to figure out how I might attain beauty like yours, but perhaps I should give up in that fruitless endeavor. No one could be as beautiful as you.” Calbrena said, coming up with the most flattering thing she could think of on the spot.

“It would be for the best. Now, how fares my favorite baby sister?” Pride asked.

“I'm doing as well as can be expected, under the circumstances, thank you for asking. Father said you were going to teach me how to devour a soul, since you were the best out of everyone at using magic, I was wondering if this was true. I hope so, as the concept of learning from you is truly exciting. But I see you are busy, so I'll just leave.” Calbrena said.

“Actually I was waiting for you, you took so long getting here I was beginning to suspect you didn't like me and were trying to avoid me.” Pride said, looking hurt.

“Oh no sister dear, I love you more than anyone else. It's just that you and Wrath live on opposite ends of the manor. It took me awhile to get over here. I came straight away when I learned of your lesson.” Calbrena said quickly, trying to avert Pride getting upset.

“Well, I suppose it can't be helped then. Come, let us begin straight away.” Pride said.

She drew her hands apart, and drew in the flames from the walls around her into the space between her hands. She pushed her hands back together, and the flames shot out, and surrounded Calbrena, enveloping her. They did not harm her, nor did they eat her clothes. Calbrena felt like she was falling, and all she could see was rainbow flame. The flames parted, and flew to empty braziers on the walls of a new room, lighting it with their glow. This room was exactly the same as the other, but four times larger. However, there was no way out of this room. Pride stood, and descended on marble steps to stand by her sister.

“What do you know of the process and reasons behind our eating of souls?” Pride asked.

“Nothing.” Calbrena admitted.

“Then I shall explain entirely. All things have the ability to use great power. Many of the parts of a person cannot be transferred, and thus, power is not easy to steal. However, we discovered long ago, that if a person's soul is devoured, then not only do your own powers grow, but you gain control over them. The Soul is the immaterial part of a person, it contains their free-will, it is immortal, and cannot be destroyed normally.

Yet we are not normal. All eight of us represent evil, in its various fashions. All people, regardless of species, desire things. It is simple, we give them what they want, and they give us their soul. A contract, signed in blood, assuring us of our goal. So we began to make bargains, in exchange for souls from those we perform services for. We have given away power and wealth, in exchange for souls. Our gifts are temporary, lies constructed to get us what we want. Our ultimate goal is to dominate and control Althanas in its entirety. Thus the souls. The more we eat, the more powerful we become, because when we devour a soul it becomes apart of our own, and the more powerful a soul we possess, the greater our powers. Once a person dies, and we own their soul, we torture the rest of them for eternity, for that too, adds to our power.

The process is quite simple. You have native inborn power. Feel it, touch it, get to know it. It manifests in you as a fire on your skin. Have it enter your victim and draw out their soul. Then, eat it.” Pride said.

“But, I don't have control over my power, I don't even know how.” Calbrena protested.

“Your will must be stronger than your power. Direct it, control it.” Pride said.

It took two days of trying, but under Pride's supervision, Calbrena learned how to touch her power, how to control it. It felt like a raging inferno, and it seemed hungry. Finally, Pride brought out one of her own victims. First she held him close, as though everything was going to be okay, then using her own power, which manifested as bright multi-colored fire, drew out the man's soul. It looked like a bluish-white sphere of energy. She didn't eat it, so much as she breathed it in through her mouth. A look of ecstasy crossed her face.

“Now sister, it is time for you to be born anew, to become the sinful creature you are supposed to be. Come, let us fly to the firmament, I will help you get your first victim.” Pride said, and then once more transported them via the multi-colored fire on the walls.

[Aiko]

Calbrena found herself standing in a small village, somewhere in Corone. She knew that much because the banner of the Coronian Empire hung over a nearby building, where the mayor presided. Apparently, she was invisible, thanks to her sister Pride. Pride simply pointed at the building, and did not speak.

Calbrena entered the house, and found the mayor in his office sitting behind an oak desk. Calbrena didn't know what powers Pride was using, but they allowed her to walk through solid walls like they weren't even there. Pride joined her, and put a hand on Calbrena's shoulder.

“Time is a fragile thing. I have sundered it into two pieces. We exist only in the smaller second. Everything else exists in the larger second. Because we don't exist in that second, we cannot be seen, and our words, though heard, resound only in the listener's heart. A second enchantment allows us to pass through walls. It is in this state, that we find our victims, for consent, though necessary, need not always be directly given. If the listener hears our words, and follows them, then consent has been given to take their soul, for the deal has been made.” Pride said.

Calbrena felt like a young lioness, stalking her first prey. She regarded the mayor, he looked like a man that had never really partaken in any of life's vices, trying his best to keep to the straight and narrow. He was middle aged, hair turned gray, and though he wasn't fat, he wasn't skinny either. He wore a gray suit, and was looking over some paperwork.

“Though we could have easily taken this man earlier in life, he has never been of much interest to us. His affairs in life are small, his influence is small, he has no reason to interest us in preying upon him. He is however, an easy victim, so we give him, and others like him to you sister, to hone your skills upon. Momentarily, he will meet in secret with a member of the Corone Rangers, they seek to put him in their pocket. They have tried before, and each time he resists, a faithful loyal man of the Empire. No matter what happens here, it won't affect the overall situation very much, if at all. He is simply one man, with a small town near the borders between the Empire, and the Resistance.” Pride said.

The door opened, and a young woman stepped in, she wore a white robe over her ranger uniform. Red hair spilled down over her robe, green eyes darting about, as though expecting someone to leap out at her. Closing the door behind her, she sat down before the mayor.

“Ahh, good to see you again Lucrecia. I trust the Empire has been dogging your steps since last we met?” the mayor asked, not looking up from his paperwork.

“You know why I'm here, Mayor Lown.” the woman known as Lucrecia said.

“She's pretty.” Calbrena remarked.

“Yes, yes, you want safe passage through my territory into the Empire, for you and your group.” Mayor Lown said.

Calbrena noticed he took a keen interest in Lucrecia, clearly he was attracted to her.

“Lucrecia, you should seduce him, you know he likes you. If you let him partake in the pleasures of your body, he will give you what you want.” Calbrena said, speaking to Lucrecia.

As Pride had said, she gave no sign of having heard Calbrena, no notice of seeing her, yet all the same, she took off her robe, and swept her hair behind her. She leaned forward, and looked the mayor in the eyes. Mayor Lown shifted with a sudden discomfort in his chair as he put his paper work down.

“I promise, we'll make no mention of what you've done. We'll keep it quiet.” Lucrecia said.

Calbrena could tell, he was thinking about other things.

“What is there to think about old man, let them across. Have you no pride in your empire's military strength? Can't they easily handle a group of rangers coming across the border?” Calbrena asked, the man.

“I, uh, well I'm sure the Empire can handle your friends, but still, it isn't right.” Mayor Lown said.

“Of course it isn't right, the way the Empire treats its citizens. A man like him, cooped up in a small town like this. He should be given a more important position, to reflect his true value to society, no, to you.” Calbrena said to Lucrecia.

“But surely you'd like to be recognized for your importance to the Rangers once we defeat the Empire. Perhaps somewhere close to me?” Lucrecia asked.

“Look at her, a beautiful young woman like that. Can't you see how she wants you? She's offering to keep you close to her. You can have her. Lean in closer to her, talk about what she's willing to do for you now.” Calbrena said to the mayor.

Mayor Lown moved his papers to one side, and leaned in close.

“What if I'm not around that long? What are you willing to do in the near future?” Mayor Lown asked.

“Remove your robe and weapons, sit on his lap. Take it a bit further, you've almost got him.” Calbrena encouraged.

Lucrecia stood.

“Well, there's something we could do today.” Lucrecia said, encouragingly.

She removed her robe, took off her bow and quiver, and set them in the corner. She undid her sword belt, and let it fall to the side. She sat on Mayor Lown's lap, and threw her arms around his shoulders.

“She's in your lap. What would it hurt, let them through, and she'll let you take her. It's now or never.” Calbrena said.

“Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt. The Empire's military is strong, and so am I.” Mayor Lown said.

“Quick, before he changes his mind, seal the deal. You know what you've got to do. It isn't fair to tease him and then take it away. You've come this far Lucrecia, don't turn back now.” Calbrena said.

Lucrecia simply smiled, and kissed Mayor Lown on the lips, while they both fumbled with their clothes.

Pride nudged Calbrena on the shoulder. She had them. Calbrena concentrated, and touched them both on the shoulder. Her fire danced on their skin, forming a pair of clawed hands that drew out their spirits. Calbrena grasped them, and drew them to her, and as Pride did, inhaled them through her mouth.

“I'm proud of you sister, you've successfully corrupted two innocent souls. You've done Evil proud today.” Pride said, hugging her sister.

Calbrena felt lightheaded, and lost her balance. Pride grabbed her, and they both disappeared, while Lucrecia and Mayor Lown finished sealing their arrangement.

[Aiko]

“She's done well father. I know you watched. Lucrecia is Sloth's dominion now, for once she finds out that the mayor impregnated her today, yet dies tomorrow, she'll fall under his domain. The child was never supposed to exist in the first place. He's mine, now and forever.” Pride said.

Calbrena could only lay there, under the shade of the trees in Concordia forest. Pride was speaking into a small pool of water. Her head was swimming with ecstasy, it was like sex, only better. Her eyes lazily swam over to Pride's face as she bent over her.

“I will leave you now. Your in the normal flow of time, so watch yourself. Goodbye for now, sister dear.” Pride said, then disappeared on the spot.

Calbrena's mind filled with visions. Was this what it was like to be a sin, filled with such euphoria after eating a soul? She felt bad for the pair she had used, but she also wanted to do it again. The sky went into a spectrum of many colors. The trees seemed to grow truly massive. Her eyes closed, and she let the feelings take her away.

She saw herself standing among the Corone Rangers, fighting a troop of demons from Haidia. In her visions, she had full wings, able to fly as she wished, and so she did, enjoying the sensation as she left the battle behind. She flew out over the ocean, skimming the surface of the water. She looked down, and enjoyed what she saw. She had long shiny horns, a long tail, her wings were full, her tongue was forked. She was a full demon, not half angel. It was the reflection of her evil side, as it was meant to be. She reached down, and grabbed her reflection, and it grabbed her, pulling her under.

Together they swam through the ocean, but instead of an ocean floor, they exited the ocean into a second atmosphere. Her evil side grabbed her, and controlled her flight, driving her downwards into a dive. Calbrena let out a scream of excitement.

She looked her evil side in the eyes, and the black pupils seemed to envelop her, as though they were caves. Calbrena blinked, and she was in a town. She let fire flow from her palms and envelope the a building. She sat on the well and laughed, as people ran from their houses. She shot exploding fireballs at them, and almost fell in from laughing hard when someone's head went flying past her. Her Evil side grabbed her from behind, and down she plummeted into the darkness.

She came out of it, into a world of sky, and nothing else.

“I just want to be your friend, to be apart of you.” Calbrena's evil side said to her.

Calbrena awoke with a cold sweat, night had fallen. Hunger gnawed at her belly, so she set out to forage for what she could. If that's what happened when one ate human souls, she wanted to try Elven souls next, to see what would happen.

[Aiko]

After satisfying herself on some nuts and berries, Calbrena decided to become an angel, few things would willingly attack one. So she concentrated, and was surprised to find she couldn't become an angel. In fear she gasped and rushed over to a nearby pond and looked in. She was still her normal demon self. Somehow, she felt excitement that her angel form wasn't available currently.

“Father, hear my voice, tell me, what is happening?” Calbrena asked in fear that something was wrong.

“My daughter, hear my voice in return. You have committed an act of evil. You are no longer pure enough to take on your angel form. If you truly desire it, you must repent and take pennance for your foul acts. However, that will not get you the power you desire, the power I unlocked within you. If you truly desire to be a sin, then you must kill your good side utterly, and in so doing, destroy your angel form forever. All the powers available to you as an angel, will be gone, leaving you as a pure demoness. I will cause to appear in your pocket, instructions on how to do this, for none can do it for you. If you decide to go through with it, then read them, and follow them.” Her father said, as his image replaced hers in the lake. He had to have been watching her through his magic mirror.

Calbrena leaned against a tree, thinking about her situation. Slowly, she drifted off to sleep instead.

In her sleep, she was still there, against the same tree by the pond, only know her angel form was on one side, and her full demon form she had seen in her visions was on the other.

“Don't do it. Why do you need to harm others for power? Power should be earned and not taken. Perhaps if you tried to be happy, I could be happy.” her angel form said.

“Yet why should happiness be worked for? Do we exist only to suffer?” her demon form asked.

“No one exists only to suffer. You have never known happiness because you have never tried to be happy.” her angel form said.

“You've suffered for so long, won't you let me be free, so you can be happy? Together we can get the power we desire, the respect we deserve. What do angels truly know of power? What do they know, of the power to manipulate and control others as we can, as we will be able to do? What do angels know, of what its like to live for eternity, to constantly know of suffering that never ends? Each one claims to know, each one claims to understand, but how can you understand something you've never experienced? Gods teach virtue, they teach honesty and goodness. Do these things truly work? What does a thief know of honesty? What does a killer know of virtue? What about the hungry child, what does it know of goodness? What has being good, or neutral brought you? Are you happy, are you satisfied? The Gods are flawed, and despite their good intentions, do more good than harm by teaching others the ways of light. Happiness can only truly be found in the darkness when you take what you want.” her demon form said.

“Yet by taking what you want, you only make others unhappy, and in so doing create the very flaws you speak of. If you you followed honesty and virtue you would be happy because you made others happy. All that you had would be fairly yours, and none would have the right to take it from you.” her angel form said.

“Yet, for all the time that I have followed honesty and virtue, I have never truly been satisfied. There may have been small flashes of happiness, but never enough to make it worth it. Yet today when I took from others, I knew happiness and satisfaction together for the first time, and still that feeling lasts with me.” Calbrena said to herself.

“But you don't understand, virtue is its own reward, by toiling now, you can have happiness forever later. How can you enjoy something that has not been made yet? How can a farmer plow a field that hasn't been worked yet?” her angel form implored.

“But not everyone is a farmer. Plenty are those that are content to be the farmer. Let me be the merchant that buys his crops. We both profit and reap happiness together with satisfaction from that.” Calbrena said, leaning towards her evil side.

“Your method destroys their happiness though, they have to work again to rebuild what you've taken from them!” her angel form yelled.

“But they're happy as workers. Let us take a small amount of their happiness for ourselves. We'll reap what they sow.” Calbrena's evil side said.

“Through all this, I've realized I've never truly enjoyed trying to be good. It has not once brought me happiness, or satisfaction. Only recently, once I began seeking out the ways of darkness, have I been happy. Listen to me, both of you.

I reject the light for the darkness. I give up honesty and gave my virtue to Azash already. I will no longer try to be good, except when I have no other option. I will lie to all I meet, except when the truth would serve me better. I will take from others what I will, and will serve the ways of evil. I choose this of my own free will, uncoerced by others. Leave me angel, for soon I shall kill you.” Calbrena said.

“NOOO!!!” her angel form screamed as she woke up.

Calbrena remembered her father's words, and searched her pockets. She found a small scroll, and opened it. She read it several times to memorize its contents, then put it away. She got to her feet, finally realizing what the mystery meat Gluttony had served the other day was, what the mystery drink was. It was time for her to get more, a cleaner more potent version. Calbrena smiled, a lethal predatory smile, as she walked down the road hips swaying from side to side in a slow seductive walk.

[Aiko]

Calbrena moved with a purpose. Her father's note indicated the perfect location for what she had to do, complete with everything she would need to do it. Such a loving evil father. She was certainly glad he would help her reach her full potential. Of course it would benefit him too, somehow, she just wasn't sure how.

She moved through the forest and onto the plains. In the distance was a small monastery, the monks were devoted to no god in particular, but to the concepts embodied by the virtuous. They never lied, cheated, or stole. They worked hard for all they had, and claimed to be content. They sought to better understand the mysteries of the universe, and were untouchable by sin. Yet they were a gentle order, and followed none of the ways of violence. Local raiders never bothered them, because the civil-war was too great for them to worry about sacking one tiny monastery, when there were more lucrative targets left behind in the war.

This virtually assured she would remain undisturbed. Calbrena put her hood on, and began limping. A rabbit provided its blood, as well as a morning meal. This blood was smeared on her robes, and on her arms and legs.

Dark clouds gathered in the sky, and thunder crackled ominously.

“Thank you father.” Calbrena whispered, believing it was he who sent the thunderstorm at a convenient moment to help her.

As the rain began to fall, Calbrena reached the doors of the Monastery, and began to knock weakly, as though she were hurt.

“Help me! Please, I'm injured and need assistance. Brigands attacked me, I barely escaped with my life.” Calbrena pleaded in a weak voice.

Someone opened a small hole in the door and looked out at the hooded traveler leaning against the door. Then he looked around suspiciously. Throwing open the door, he hurried her in and locked it behind her.

“Don't worry miss, we'll help you. They didn't follow you did they?” the monk asked.

“Oh no one followed me, but I'm glad you volunteered your monastery to help me, it'll make things much easier.” Calbrena said, suddenly straightening, as she did so her hood fell off.

“What?” the monk exclaimed in shock, surprised to see a demoness before him.

Yet that was the last word he ever spoke. Quickly, Calbrena slashed his throat with her claws, and laid him on the floor. Some of his blood got on her face, she wiped it out of her eyes so she could see, and licked her lips clean.

The monastery wasn't expecting her, so quietly she moved. The monks were in seperate areas. There were seven in all. One was in the kitchen, cooking up an afternoon meal. He never even noticed her coming. Another was in the back dusting. He saw her come through the doorway, but she mentioned that she was let in, and simply lost. He came over to help her to the main room, and once he approached, she slashed his throat open too with her claws. Two more were in a small library, one was reading, one was straightening the books on the shelves. This one she killed first, as the second was absorbed in his reading. The second noticed too late that Calbrena was coming, and only managed to half rise from his chair before Calbrena killed him.

The sixth was in meditation in the main room, he was the easiest of all. The last Calbrena discovered in his cell. His door was locked, and so she banged on the door until he opened it in irritation to find out what was going on. Calbrena leaped on him and killed him.

With one last sweep of the Monastery, she was satisfied that no one remained. She dragged the bodies into the baths, and used what blood they had left to fill a basin, ripping open a few more wounds in the process. This she sat aside, then ripped her robes apart as she struggled to take them off quickly. She shrugged as she threw the shreds to the floor.

Working quickly, she repeatedly attacked their chests, until she got to their hearts, and put those in a separate basin. Then she took her basin to the middle of the main chamber. The floor was clean her. Using only a small portion of the men's blood, she drew several sigils on the floor in a large circle around her. It was large enough for her to lay in. She stopped, went back to the scroll, and realized she had forgetten something. She cut off some flesh from a particularly beefy man, and went back to her basins and circle. She sat everything in the circle, then sat inside it herself.

She ate the flesh first, taking time to savor every bite. She didn't care for it, as it tasted bland, but she made sure to at least like it enough to enjoy eating it. Then she pulled over the basin with the blood, and taking small handfuls, began to wash herself in it, rubbing the innocent blood all over her body, and inside every available opening. She even washed her hair in it, reveling in the feel of it. Finally the bloody demoness feasted on the hearts, finding these to be especially succulent.

This done, she threw the basins from her, and laid there. The ritual her father had described to her was almost complete. Now all she had to do, was try to summon her good side. With the blood of innocents on her, and their hearts inside her, it would be impossible, and would injure her goodside. The sigils would amplify this damage, and destroy it utterly, and with it, banish her angel form, forever.

Calbrena tried to summon her angel form, and not only did she fail to achieve it, but an intense pain racked her body, as thunder filled the air. Lightning flashed, and Calbrena turned over in pain. She tried to stand, as the sigils began glowing, but all she managed was getting to her hands and knees.

She screamed in pain, and she saw it was actually her angel form screaming in pain. Energy flashed from its body, as it began to deteriorate. In response, fire flew from Calbrena's body, infernos greater than any she could manage normally.

She screamed in pain again, but the sound of her voice had began to change. Outside, people approached, having heard a woman screaming. They got down off their horses, but stopped, as the screaming continued. They weren't sure it was a woman anymore, it was beginning to sound like a horrifying demon. The horses backed away, not liking the situation, and the people followed.

Calbrena screamed again, her voice had gotten more depth to it, not like a man's, but like most demon voices were naturally. She blacked out, but even in the blackness, she could hear herself screaming in agony greater than any she had felt before. She was certain she was tricked, she knew she was dying.

Outside, the horses bolted, unable to stand it any longer, and the frightened people followed. Inside, Calbrena collapsed, unable to shut out those horrific screams, unable to stop from making them. She writhed in agony, twisting this way and that, as the sensation of thousands of knives plunging through her body filled her. It felt like she was thrown into a lake of fire, it was difficult to breathe.

With one last scream greater than all the rest, everything suddenly stopped, and Calbrena simply lay there, breathless. The feeling had left her body, and her muscles refused to work. She was certain she was dead, and this was what the first moments of death were like. Then, slowly, feeling returned, as her breath came back to her. She managed to weakly move her hands. She felt a weight on her back, like she was covered with a blanket of some sort. It stopped just sort of her ankles, and came up to her chest. She got to her knees, and stood up, noticing that weight was moving with her. She stretched, and noticed it took more strength than normal to move her wings.

She ran to a full length mirror in one of the cells, and shouted in triumphant victory. That weight wasn't just any weight, she had full wings! Her wings had grown to the size they should be, the large full wings her family was known for. She felt them, they were real, not just a dream, not just a vision. She looked at her tail, it was long, not short. She ran her hands down its length, enjoying its feel. Finally, her hands went to the horns on her head, admiring them as though they were a crown. They started at the top of her head, and curled down the sides above her ears. She tugged on them, and felt her whole head move in response. They were hers, she had grown them. She admired her form in the mirror, feeling pride in her appearance. With all the blood she certainly looked like a predatory creature. She remembered a pump in the baths, went back, and used it to wash the blood off, which took awhile.

Finished, she ransacked the kitchen for a meal. She considered taking something, but decided against it. Her heart was doing cartwheels in her chest, she was full of joy, she was happy. She remembered how she looked, and knew she belonged. She went back to her tattered robes, and took only her money pouch, and the scroll. With these in hand, she wrapped her newer, better wings around herself to cover her body, and exited the monastery. There Pride waited, and together they returned to The Abyss. It was time to do some new clothes shopping.

~
OOC:

Spoils:

Calbrena permanently looses her angel form. Her demon form in turn fills out to be a complete demon, with horns, a tail, and full working wings. She has also lost all her clothes.

Calbrena's wings, though working, are not strong enough to fly with yet, but she can glide up to twenty feet at a time, about three times every 24 hours before her back's too stiff and sore to fly anymore. Once the muscles in her back and wings improve, this ability certainly will, in future level updates.

Calbrena has also gained control over her fire, though certainly its nothing impressive. She has learned its more than a simple fire, its her natural demonic power. Using this power, she has been taught the secret of eating people's souls, which are the source of her future power upgrades.

[Duffy]

Quick judgement requested, so qucik judgement received! If you’ve any questions or you’d like more detailed feedback at some stage, feel free to pm me or get in touch via AIM or Messenger, the usual modicum of the blah blah, onwards!

Story: (18/30)

Continuity – 6, flows like a bubbling brook.

Pacing – 7,

Setting – 5, established may be my judging word of the moment, but it fits. You’ve touched on the core physical senses but there is plenty of scope for more imaginative description. Saying that, your talent seems to lie in your posting tempo and character, so it doesn’t detract from the quality of the work as a whole.

Character (16/30)

Dialogue – 6, simple, concrete, flows nicely.

Action – 5, everything is easy to read but it’s methodical and plain; I did enjoy it however.

Persona - 5

Writing (22/30)

Technique – 7, night on flawless grasp of the fundamentals of writing. You can definately experiment with more controversial or awkward techniques without losing out much in this mark in the future. Nicely done.

Mechanics – 8, I didn’t see anything that made me twitch. Be careful of ending dialogue with fullstops when the run on is connected to the speech; although it's not incorrect, it can read clumsily.

Clarity – 7, as aboe, bubbling brook.

Wild Card – 4, could use a little more brimstone, or a little more morally dubious action and thought from your character – don’t go the whole cliche route, but mix it up.

Total: 60

Aiko gains 740 xp and 150 gold!

Spoils:

Angelic form has been quashed, to the extent of Calbrena’s appearance now being fully daemonic. However, one’s identity can only ever be masqued, and not removed entirely. Those who are adapt and of a higher level than you that can detect good or aura, will still see a faint light within you, even if it is indeed faint.

Calbrena’s wings are approved.

Fire may be the forte of the devil and trickster, but at present, Calbrena can only conjure a simple fireball or flicker of flame in terms of damge potential. If you wish for this ability to be more than a technique for ‘eating souls,’ please run this past the ROG when you next level up with more detail.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added...