Between One War And Another (Solo)

[Cydnar]

He plucked the long violet cloak from the hook on the back of the door and wrapped it around his shoulders with a grandiose gesture. His blades found themselves on each hip with equal gusto and before he knew it, his legs carried him through the easily opened door and out into the chill evening air. Cydnar pulled on the crystalline mechanism in the lock and with a twist of his wrist locked it tight with a telekinetic pull. It echoed along either length of the alleyway and bounced off the sandstone walls and crystalline pillars.

The third clue in the dream was the lack of fire and joy in the city’s lights. The enchantments that caused the glow stones were ancient and dwindling to be sure, but never had Cydnar he seen them so dim. He logically arrived at conclusion that the vision was less a vision, and more a glimpse of the future. The most important question to consider now he guessed, was not why, but how? Which path would be the one to lead to such ruin and death?

Would it be the decision to leave the city and find himself?

Or would it be the one that resulted in him falling back into line to wield blade and wrath to quench magic wherever it corrupted the living?

He started off down into the lower levels of the city with firm steps and a decisively brisk pace. Like a lone traveller or a cautious assassin he moved towards the nearest of the secret entrances to the city beneath the fae capital. He peered through the dark keenly, not through lack of sight but through fear of being detected. He smiled at the irony of meeting Dakar so soon after dreaming it. Could the future be now?

Cydnar resigned himself to the fact that there was still much to learn and much to decide about his dream. One thing was for certain…he had to return home at once, and to do that, he had to accept that he would be forever between one war and another. He had to accept that no matter how many devils and gods and monster he slew, there would be no rest and no cessation of wickedness in this world.

[MetalDrago]

STORY

Continuity (5/10) ~ I had a very general idea about where you’re coming from and what’s going on. I will admit that there are some things I didn’t understand about the past, but it wasn’t anything to keep the story from reading. Overall decent, but try putting in a few hints to the past that are a little more obvious to get this score higher. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate flashback or anything, but a little information goes a long way.

Setting (7/10) ~ Honestly, I had a very good idea of everything that was going on. Your use of sound and sight was very helpful to getting me to understand what was going on. Your use of smell was a little underplayed, but it showed up regardless. Try showing how the surroundings affect all of the senses. It doesn’t have to be all at once, but it can help this score.

Pacing (4/10) ~ It felt a little dry and slow at times, as if you were struggling to put out certain parts of the story, and the relative speed of the quest took a dive because of that. The best way to clean this up is to make sure that the high-octane scenes have a believable time frame for cooling off into the more low-action sequences. A gradual change of pace won’t jar your readers as bad. This doesn’t count the part about being awoken from the dream, as the shock was obviously what you intended.

CHARACTER ~.

Dialogue (6/10) ~ Believable, but nothing that would be considered a character defining achievement. Try and solidify your character’s voice and let his personality shine through his dialogue with others, and this score will continue to rise.

Action (5/10) ~ The action was a little on the strange side. There wasn’t much of it, but it seemed rushed. Try and explain the actions a little bit better and include some more of them. A twisted smile, grimace, or body language could work wonders here in addition to actual fighting.

Persona (5/10) ~ Overall, I got a good feel for what your character was like in personality, but I felt a little cheated. I’d have liked to see more about his psyche than what you showed me. He seems to be very interesting, but the scope of the thread didn’t allow me to see much beyond that.

WRITING STYLE ~

Mechanics (5/10) ~ I noticed a few errors that seemed to be more slips of the keyboard than your own fault, but they did detract from the story. Microsoft Word can’t catch everything you misspell, so proofreading is a must for all threads, even if it’s only after you’ve posted them.

Technique (8/10) ~ I don’t give eights very often, but the entire story was a foreshadowing of some mysterious event that’s going to happen in the future, and you really showed this off to great effect, because, despite this epic attempt at foreshadowing, even the reader has no clue what’s going to end up happening next. All they know is that it’s going to be something very interesting. Do not disappoint me!

Clarity (6/10) ~ Overall, pretty easy to read. There were some problems with clarity, mostly because of the aforementioned mechanical errors. Proofreading, and trying to make sure it’s easy to understand goes a long way.

Wild Card (6/10) ~ It was a pretty good thread, lacking some part of the execution, but overall a really interesting read. I can’t wait to see the rest of this storyline, honestly.

Total Score – 57

Cydnar Yrene gains 1,200 EXP and 125 GP

[Taskmienster]

This silly character is now level 2!

Exp and GP added.