Red-Stained Night (Solo)

[Christoph]

Epilogue

The first touch of dawn bloodied the horizon, smeared by smoke rising from the forest. Elijah finally called a stop to allow his ragged band much needed rest. He perched himself atop a rock and surveyed the bleak remains of all he had worked for. Of the hundreds he had gathered, barely over fifty remained, frayed and exhausted, many injured. Much of his core followers remained, fortunately, but he had lost some of the best and brightest. Bashah was dead, and he felt that loss dearly. And Alexandria… he dared not think of her yet, or even look at her.

"Master!" one of his men shouted. "What do we do now?"

He felt their hopelessness. They looked to him for reassurance to ease their despair, but he felt little hope himself. The weight of failure threatened to crush him. If only they knew the suffocating doubt strangling his spirit… how could they not see the end? How could they still look to him for answers, when his answers had brought them only death and defeat?

We give up! he wanted to shout. We scatter to the winds and pray for survival. It is over! He wished nothing more than to return to the home he no longer had and resume the life long lost. Yet, when he looked upon his followers, his disciples, his flock, he knew that he lacked the luxury of defeat. He had nothing left but the debt of life he owed them all. He needed to show them hope of victory, and perhaps convince himself of it as well. Thus, he stood atop the boulder, steadying his tired legs and forcing determined stone into his despairing face.

"The enemy has dealt us a harsh blow." His voice, though soft, carried over through the chill dawn air. "We have watched out brothers and sisters in arms die and our works torn down and destroyed by the pawns of evil and the champions of lies! Truly, our darkest hour is upon us." He closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. A soft murmur passed through the remaining host.

"Yet, we must now, more than ever, stand resolute before the darkness and endure. Our work must continue. We owe our fallen comrades nothing less. Anton!"

"Yes, Eli?" He forgave the noble’s bitter tone; for all his faults, Ser Timko cared for his sister. "What would you have me do?"

"Select two of my sorcerers and three others to form a retinue. You will travel south to your father's keep. We must secure the backing of House Timko… by any means necessary."

"Your will be done." A wicked grin slithered across Anton's face, and Elijah felt like he had loosened a demon's chains.

"Matron." Belov turned toward the leader of the seraphim. "Bring your flock and ten others through the northern mountains until you pass the Talov River. Begin establishing a new base of operations. I will bring the rest through the eastern provinces. I have allies there who may help us restore our numbers. We will rebuild until we have the strength to make war against the Sway again and bring down their false gods." He stood tall atop his makeshift podium, projecting more strength than he felt.

"The enemy sent a great force against us, which only proves that they fear us. Despite this defeat, our greatest triumphs lie still ahead of us!” He let this fleeting hope warm his soul. Perhaps, just perhaps, he could set things right. Even with Alexandria; he wanted nothing more than to throw himself at her feet and beg her forgiveness. There was much to do first, however.

“Even the harshest, coldest winter gives way to spring, and not even the blackest, foulest night can hold back the dawn. And though we cannot yet see the light on the horizon, I promise you... the sun will rise!”

[Mordelain]

Thread Title: Red-Stained Night
Judgement Type: Light Commentary
Participants: Christoph

Plot ~ 22/30

Story ~ 8.5/10 – Excellent utilisation of NPC’s to describe a gathering of forces against one of Althanas’ greatest political evils. I especially appreciated the sense of being there, in the moment, of the final, hey, any point of the war between the Church and its opponents. You utilised real world paradigms, metaphors, and parables and gave them a Salvarian twist. You connected very real debates and fears we all experience with the narrative and plot, and overall, Red-Stained Night delivers.

Setting ~ 8.5/10 – After several reads, the only overbearing ‘issue’, the fact that prevented a 9 or 10, was a lack of sensory coverage. You tell us the electricity is a hundred feet tall, that blood oozes, and that storms crackle. There is little observance of what things smell like. There is little connection between senses when they are present and accounted for. You painted a vivid picture. You played safe, but were not afraid to utilise what some might call purple prose to bring a maelstrom or pained moment to life in the reader’s imagination. A strong, concerted, and commendable effort.

Pacing ~ 5/10 – Scene transitions can make or break a story. Fluctuating between simple, easy to understand movements, and multiple switches in singular threads was a risky maneavours. Unfortunately, with such a large supporting cast, and with such dynamic ideas and action drawn into your story, this approach left the thread languishing in some places, and too fleeting in others. In essence, you drew the reader in, and left them wanting more, but otherwise oblivious for the central part of the thread.

Character ~ 24/30

Communication ~ 8/10 – Even perfection can be tarnished by excess. A general rule for conversation is, where possible, to have two speakers talk, and no more. If, and only if, you introduce another speaker, ensure that he or she is clearly marked. When the communication became lost in the crowd, the soliloquy, emotion, and persona in every word was lost with it. It was, overall, easy to follow, and carried weight behind it. As mentioned elsewhere, the speech in post 20 was a highlight of the thread, and the introductory post, the almost Machiavellian exchange between hunters and hunted, displayed a competency with speech that you should look to capitalise on in any future endeavours.

Action ~ 8/10 – You know how to bring a scene to life. Elijah’s flame lives, breathes, and consumes with vibrancy. You are adept at describing action through a character’s observations. Ser Anton’s analysis of the area in post 12 does more to set the stage than even the most finely crafted description. The beginning of the storm’s manifestation post 14 onwards developed a sense of tension leading to the thread’s finale excellently. The only detractor comes in the relationship between action and pacing, as noted in the appropriate section.

Persona ~ 8/10 – Exhilarating and chilling speeches kept persona strong, and characters intriguing. I especially enjoyed your simple, yet hideously effective speech in post 20 – it put the efforts of all involved into perspective, and clashed nicely with the pathetic fallacy surrounding them. Elijah, conversely, remained devoid of any depth. I suspect this was due in part to such heavy and well thought out attention to the supporting cast.

Prose ~ 23/30

Mechanics ~ 9/10 – Near flawless observance of literary, grammatical, and language rules. Be careful in using scene dividers, hesitation in speech, and colloquial speech. If you use *** or ---, use it throughout the work. The typing errors and formatting blips as so and far between, however, so there is little to be said for advice on how to improve.

Clarity~ 6/10 – Though not mechanically wrong, dialogue and run-on comments stemming from X or Y said dragged the thread down. You have an evocative and luxurious way of writing that does not often lend itself to brevity, but consider simplicity in speech, and using your talent in description and narrative. When you try to weave them together, the otherwise ease of reading comes undone.

Technique ~ 8/10 – Choosing to end the thread as you did went massively in your favour. It gave the impression that all Belov’s struggles, and the men and women that died, and survived the conflict are only just beginning to experience true hardship. You could benefit from considering not what you say, but how you say it. Sentence structure is correct in the thread, but word order, and indeed, word choice is questionable in places. It is almost as if you are writing an erotica novel with a poet laureate’s mind. In places, technique accomplishes what it sets out to, but just because you can, does not mean you should.

Wildcard: 8/10 – From talking to you over the course of writing this thread, I know it took a considerable amount of effort and time. I would like to apologise first for the delay in providing a rubric. Second, I would like to apologise for the light, as opposed to full commentary. In truth, I found it more difficult to find fault with the thread than I did to get lost in its luxury. I daresay I have little to offer beyond trite pointers, as my impressed mind can attest, you told a story of a red-stained night, and I finished it feeling dazed, beautiful, and confused.

77/100

Experience, gold, and thread location to follow Judge's Choice vote.

[Lye]

Congratulations on the Judge's Choice!

You receive 4,550 EXP and 325 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!

Off to the Judge's Choice Archives with this masterpiece!

Congratulations!