The Fall Of Van Hildegard (Solo)

[Arden]

“So the scattered son returns to his master’s side, an obedient hound. Come, do not linger on the door, close it and let us do away with the formalities.” The Master of the Scourge sat neatly behind a large oaken desk in a small chamber set back from the main hall. He had his hands crossed in front of him with a quill held loosely between forefinger and thumb. The parchment and inkwell were the only items on the desk but there were countless knives and pistols hanging unseen on the back of his chair.

Blank had noticed long ago that there was only one way into the office, and one way out. It stood behind him and he was all that remained between an assassin’s dagger and a shot fired earnestly. He cracked a smile and walked into the office proper. The master waved at the small chair in front of the desk and Blank obediently sat, legs crossed and hair pushed back behind his ears.

“I trust the deed has been carried out?” The Master twiddled his moustache and glared over the rim of his glasses. He was much older than Blank, perhaps twenty years his senior but ever more youthful in enthusiasm and skill. “I would hate to send the carrion to do away with a half living corpse…”

Blank nodded.

“Good, then I believe,” he reached into a draw and pulled a small bag of coin, “your payment is due.”

Blank leant forwards and pocketed it. He did not count it, you never counted it.

“Were there any complications? The Scourge’s new direction is an officious one, you must report any untoward activity to ensure the process continues to…evolve.”

Blank shook his head and turned his attention to the three hefty bookcases that stood like monoliths on either side. Apart from the large collection of books and one or two small chests which rested on the shelves there was nothing else in the room. Two small rune lights hung over head magically, and there were no indents or obvious places for trap doors at all.

So how did he survive whilst never leaving via the main door? Blank strained to think, but gave up.

The Master scribbled something on a blank sheet of parchment and the sound of the quill in ink filled the awkward atmosphere with anticipation.

“The Thieves’ guild has recovered from your gambit against their betrayal. I should wager that a new master will be selected in short order. If we are to eradicate them and restore some provenance of power to the Scourge and our tenets, we must ensure that they are…permanently placed out of action. Here is a lead to one of the candidates, a thief by the name of Marcus Hammsonn, a butcher’s son I hear.” Blank took the paper as it was offered to him and sniffed it. It smelt of rose water and wine. He smiled, ticking off one of many culprits in his mind.

“When you are recovered find him. Get him to talk, and eradicate the potentials before order can be restored. Once you deliver this firm message to the Guilds-man, they will no doubt think twice about attempting to rise to power in our neighbourhood again. In our city.” The Master's voice was a heavy tone that told those who heard it to be weary. It had a gruff property that came perhaps with age, but most definitely through battle, hardship and strain. Blank may have been the Master's right hand in the war with the Thieves' Guild members, but he was not stupid enough to probe him for a glimpse of his history.

He had guessed military.

Blank smiled satisfactorily and shifted to the edge of his seat expectantly. The pieces of the puzzle which had started with the double dealings of his new nemesis were drawing together. He expected to continue that line of enquiry with as much vigilance as he could; he had to discover who this strange and enigmatic Magnarion was; who had so skilfully turned the two tides of war against the Silent Swordsman undetected.

The master waved him away and returned to his paperwork. Blank nodded and walked silently from the room, opening and closing the door like a servant; silent, unseen, unheard.

Blank stretched, yawned, and slothfully strolled into the apothecary's to fall asleep and forget his woes and pains.

Life in the city went on.

[Arden]

The cobblestones were red, stained with the blood of the fallen. The corpse was lifeless, except for a small hubris of power which formed in the skull and cast a blue gaze of infernal light from the sunken sockets.

“Erlai tithek num canndar,” a low voice growled from the shadows of a doorway.

Sparks flew from the stranger's mouth and swarmed around the rotting flesh. With a twitch and a shudder the body convulsed. Slowly but surely the corpse brought its hand up into the air and stared at it with inhuman eyes. Something in the world had given the unlucky soul a second chance, a new reign of power over the living.

With a smile on his face the man in the shadows turned and walked along the street into the mists of time. The sound of his cane clicking on the cold stone echoed in the corpse’s slow mind.

“I…live…” it hoarsely croaked, inspecting the cleaving wound on its chest and the cracked remnants of bone that marked the impact of the street to the back of his head.

The corpse crawled slowly upright and its bones clicked and muscles snapped. The necromantic powers which urged it upright were powerful and sickening, but held together for a purpose few could surmise.

Slowly the corpse shed its flesh and its clothes rotted to rags and tattered vestments before the eyes.

With a snap it’s back arched and reigns of shadow darted out from its wrists. To its left, the strands cleaved a chunk of the earth free of the ground with a ruckus and a crack of stone. The star shaped rubble was tightly wrapped to his arm as a twisted and ironic shield. His right darted through the night and returned moments later with a red hilted sword from the mists of time. The corpse swung it feebly left and right, trying to regain some modicum of it's living skill.

The strands pulled together and formed a cloak and cowed the necrotic skull from the cured moonlight. With a mighty roar, the corpse spread its blade and shield wide and looked up to the sky. It cursed the one who had struck him down. Inhuman decisions spiralled in its brain and mind. With a slow and awkward advance the skeletal warrior advanced along the street towards Numarr.

Hildegard would never die, not whilst Magnarion Janelle swore revenge against his only son.

Spoils:

Onwards & Upwards: Faction points for the Scourge as they return slowly to power under a new tenet and a new direction.

Loss & Indignity: Blank has thrown away the lavender letter from Celia.

The Hound Of Horror: A small purse of gold coins, payment for the completion of an assassination assignment from the noble houses in a bid to eliminate the competition. Thus, I'd like to mitigate the 10% reduction for the Prima Vista for this thread.

In the grande theatrical tradition of the theatre,

The End

[Taskmienster]

And So It Begins:: Full commentary, as requested. I’m going to be doing as much as possible, splitting it between the two writers if necessary. If either of you have questions, concerns, or would like further commentary feel free to PM or IM me and I will help as much as possible.

Continuity 6

Setting 6

Pacing 7

Dialogue 6.5

Action 6

:: In the forth post, the little bit about the puppeteer was confusing. Not sure what it really did, without an adequate description, and also not sure how it was used. Something about moving the other man’s mouth, but not sure if the words were yours or his, or even if they were just telepathic in nature.

Persona 6.5

Technique 7.5

Mechanics 7

Clarity 8

Wild Card 6


Score: 66.5


Rewards:
Blank :: 744 exp | 158 base gold + 250 for the job = 408 – 10% = 367 gold
((Spoils granted. Rewarding 3 points to the Scourge’s faction point total))


Thread Notations (post by post)

:: “ Here in the city of nightmares and dreams part of the underbelly of the noble houses would be gutted from its perch and toppled into the long scope of obscurity for his enemies had spoken.” :: There should be a comma after “of obscurity”, otherwise it tends to look and read like a run-on at the end.

:: “Whilst the silent swordsman remained silent,” :: Umm… a bit redundant. If you’re a silent swordsman, I’d assume you’d remain silent. A synonym for silent in this case would be preferable.

:: “Hildegard disappeared into the distant Lumpy Road,”:: If Lumpy Road is supposed to be a proper name for the road itself, then the entire thing should be in italics instead of just Lumpy.

:: “Each livid tug of muscle and fold of skin rippling like the lynx’s might was a testament to the might of the Scourge,” :: Use of “might” twice within a few words of each other. Synonyms.

:: “As he gave chase all the pain of Celia’s betrayal and Blank’s own stupidity returned.” :: “As he gave chase” should have a comma after it.

:: “He would kill Van Hildegard as soullessly as he had killed Blank's one chance at happiness.” :: When you write “killed Blank’s” it seems that you are either writing the narrative of the other guy and his thoughts of Blank – which if that’s the case it should be clarified – or you are referring to the character with a proper noun in almost a third person speech type thing. I’d suggest either the clarification, or writing a pronoun instead, such as his. If it’s Blank thinking of killing Van H, then it should be more “as he has killed his one chance” instead.

:: “Thieves Guild members had lead to one thing after another” :: led instead of lead.

:: “he had added another mysterious enemy to the Silent Swordsman’s list of many.” :: Who is ‘he’? Is it Blank, who I assume is also the Silent Swordsman? If so, then he implies someone else added an enemy to Blank’s list… not that he added one to his own. If it’s adding to his own: “another mysterious enemy [was added to] the Silent Swordsman’s list of man.” It makes much more sense, and you don’t have the mysterious pronoun.

:: “Picking up the pace to ensure his quarry did not escape so easily Blank poured out into the street like a tsunami of rage.” :: “escape so easily” should have a comma after it.

:: “Equally as quickly Blank knocked his sword to one side” :: “as quickly” needs a comma after it.

:: “Mistakes made him angry, mistakes made him regret, certainly, the only thing he had ever learnt from making a mistake was to try to never repeat it again.” :: A bit of a run on. You could have a period after certainly and start a new sentence. It would keep them a bit longer, without detracting from the staccato pace of the narrative itself.

:: “The fire In the street lights flickered suddenly as Blank stood upright” :: In shouldn’t be capitalized.

:: “Suddenly away that being discovered would not be the best ending to an evening;” :: away should be aware.

:: “Blank however, would have to live in with the last glimpse of fear in Hildegard’s eyes burnt into his retina.” :: “live in”, in doesn’t fit and probably was a mistake.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and Gp added.

Blank is now level 1! Congrats!