The Rise Of Van Occupanther (Solo)

[Arden]

Spoils:

The Master: Van Occupanther is instilled as the new Master of the Thieves's Guild - he is inequitably a cold and calculated swordsman, master thief and zealous mind.

Dogma: The curse over Blank has been lifted, and he can thus speak and view his concerns as a normal human - the relevant effect on his abilities and the changes to his skills, both losses and gains will be represented in his next level update.

Blood Brothers: Orichalos and it's twin have both been bloodied by a member of the Janelle family, and the awakening power of the Rheilhand is present. This has no effect, other than to act as a binding agent when they are smelted and re-forged into the Rheilhand - using a brand of magic called Blood Arcana, a dangerous and violent sacrificial lore.

Blood Mage: Blank has remembered Blood Arcana, and is currently a below average Blood Mage - he has no actual spells, but knows the tennets and powers and purpose of blood magic which allows him to weave and work the enchantments and rituals required to activate Blood Magic relics and bind legacy and blood to metals - in principle, it can only be used currently to awaken items already bound in blood.

In the grande tradition of the theatre,

The End!

[MetalDrago]

STORY ~

Continuity (5/10) ~ Despite my having read and Judged the first thread in this series, and having a good idea what happened in the second, you hardly reference the last two at all. While this makes sense in some cases (I know you don’t want to add too much information), a little backstory for the characters wouldn’t hurt all that much.

Setting (4/10) ~ The setting was acceptable, but could have been done better. There may have only been a couple of rooms in the entire place, but most of the time it just felt like your characters were moving in a black void.

Pacing (6/10) ~ The pacing was pretty well done, but it could have been done a little better. Not really a whole lot to say here.

CHARACTER ~

Dialogue (6/10) ~ Typically, your dialogue score is one of the highest ones you earn, and this time it isn’t much different, except in the ways that it is. You did pretty well in you dialogue. Although the NPCs only appear for a couple of posts, beware making every character sound exactly the same. Though dialects may be the same, people typically do not say the same sentences with exactly the same inflection.

Action (5/10) ~ You provided enough action to make the thread interesting while still maintaining the almost purely story-driven way this thread is played off. However, I would have liked to see more facial expressions and body language, which could really drive home the way each character was feeling without having to describe their thoughts. This works extremely well in third-person limited omniscient view, where you only have access to one character’s personal thoughts at a time.

Persona (6/10) ~ Overall, I got a good, if not stellar, view of what each character encompassed, as far as personality traits. There were a few questions that went unanswered as far as what exactly these people are like, but I’m sure those will be answered in later installments of your stories.

WRITING STYLE ~

Mechanics (7/10) ~ Just a couple of minor errors here and there. Good job.

Technique (5/10) ~ Not much used in way of advanced techniques, but you did use a few basic techniques that made this score stay at a solid five.

Clarity (8/10) ~ The thread was exceedingly easy to follow, partially due to the brevity of it, but also due to the fact that no matter what you add to your posts, you always make sure to keep what’s going on at the forefront.

Wild Card (6/10) ~ I liked this thread, but the first part of this story was, at least in my opinion, a far more driving story.

Blank scores a 58, and receives 1150 EXP and 135 GP (10% deducted from his actual total of 150 GP)

Allow me to be the first to welcome you to Level 2 (as soon as the EXP/GP is added)

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.