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Thread: The Scalding Sands of Home

  1. #11
    Screw You, Andy.
    EXP: 233,561, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next level: 0
    GP
    20,768
    Silence Sei's Avatar

    Name
    Sei Orlouge
    Age
    26
    Race
    Mystic
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Orange
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    5'11'', 172 lbs
    Job
    Protector of Radasanth.

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    ((Well, Izzie left again, so I guess I'm going to conclude this thread and request my spoil))

    Sei turned to his future employee to find that the drow had disappeared. Maybe he had gone to get reinforcements, or perhaps the giant winged beast before him actually scared him. Either way, neither sort of activity would really help during the war. If Izvilvin could not stand and help his leader fight, Sei felt that he was not going to be much use at all.

    The challenged had been issued, Sei stepping down from his steed to view the avian. The bird cawed once more and began to flap its massive wings, taking to the air. The sands of the Fallien desert scrapped against Sei's skin, slipping between his lips and into his clothes. It was a distraction at best, but the force of the gale sent the Mystic tumbling backwards.

    Luckily, Sei had been used to getting thrown around, and instinctively spread his two butterfly wings from out of his back. He rode the wind provided by the phoenix in order to glide upwards. He could hear his horse neighing, running off to Thaynes know where. This was going to be an aerial fight, so the mount was of no use anyways.

    Sei was a good twenty feet from his target, each of them flapping their wings to stay aloft. The phoenix struck first, charging at Sei with its stained beak open. It attempted to clamp its mouth down on Sei, but found nothing but air. Sei hand ducked underneath the massive form, flying instead behind it. It was now the telepath's turn to strike.

    Sei dived down at the back of the beast, withdrawing his Gemini Blades as he did so. The wind whipped through his hair, and he brought the swords downwards, only to miss the bird. Sei turned behind himself, finding that the phoenix had retreated backwards. Sei repositioned himself right side up and stared down the creature once more. This was going to be a hard fought battle.

    The phoenix struck out again, charging Sei once more with a similar attack. Sei began to shoot up into the air to dodge once more, but quickly found his whole body tightening around him. The fire bird had gotten clever, anticipated the dodge, and was now squeezing Sei in one of its talons. The phoenix cawed once more as it started to dive bomb towards the ground, Sei finding breathing to be difficult during this time. The bird raked the mute across the dunes of Fallien, causing his skin to be torn away by the Fallien environment, coating half of his face with a fine shade of blue. Sei screamed in utter agony as the beast moved upwards, released its prey in a sort of throw, and opened its beak once more, assuming the winged Mystic had met his end underneath its claws.

    When the bird closed its mouth, it found itself hacking almost instantly. Sei had thrown his curved shaped Gemini blade down the creature's mouth. It was now suffocating on the sword, which allowed Sei enough time to fly upwards in order to regain his bearings.

    The choking phoenix hit the ground, continuing an attempt to hack up what it had just ate. Seeing this, Sei immediately flew downwards, sheathing his sword and instead withdrawing his kusari-gama. He quickly tied Jomil's Touch to the weighted part of the weapon, flying behind the phoenix and throwing the chain around its chest. He could feel the heat from the bird attempting to lick his body, invite him into a living hell. He did not care though, right now his avian foe needed saving, and there was nobody else around to help.

    Catching the bladed end of his kusari-gama, Sei held on tight and pulled upwards quickly. The result was another hack from the beast. Sei gave some slack to his makeshift rope and did the action again. Two more times and Sei finally heard his weapon slam against the Fallien sands. He released his grip on one of his reins and flew towards where he had heard the sword land. Half of his face had been blinded by his own azure features, his exposed facial muscles being stung with the grainy mist all around him.

    He picked up the sword and turned to his foe. He was in worse shape than the bird, and as such, figured he was poised for his own doom. Death at the hands of a phoenix, it was the stuff legends were made of.

    However, instead of meeting with a fire bird that was ready for round 2, Sei's good eye saw that the bird was bowing to him. The mute thought on this for a moment; he had saved the beasts life, was it now repaying the Mystic in kind? Sei nodded in understanding to the avian and approached it, no longer feeling the intense flames that surrounded it as they physically lapped at his skin. It seemed as though the creature could will whether or not his fire was painful.

    Sei turned, wrapping his legs around the neck of the Phoenix. Spreading its wings, the bird let out another caw and took to the air. Sei Orlouge had found his mount.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    When he would return to Ixian Castle, nobody had expected him to do it in such a fashion. The horses had arrived days before Sei himself made an appearance. He needed to heal up after all. However, once the Ixian Knights saw their leader riding upon the back of a legendary bird, they were all struck with awe. Many came over to the beast, the avian tensing up at the strangers. However, a soothing hand from Sei allowed it to bow its head, cooing a little bit as the various warriors came to marvel at it.

    "So, what are you going to call him?" Anita Orlouge, Sei's daughter, asked with genuine curiosity.

    "His name is Hu'Vayn. It means No Fear. I shall tell you all about it once I get some rest. For now, lets get us a calvary started up..."

    ((Spoils:

    Silence Sei requests the following spoils.

    Ixian Calvary: The Ixian Knights now have a calvary of the best horses on Althanas, shipped straight from Fallien. The horses number roughly around two hundred, though breeding can be done in order to make more. Such a thing will most likely be referred to in a future quest.

    Hu'Vayn: Sei requests the familiar Hu'Vayn, a pheonix with the ability to control the heat of its flames. It shares a warriors bond with Sei, and has thus far only allowed him to ride it. Ixian Knights who do a quest with Hu'Vayn and prove their worth to him will also be allowed to ride him. In wartime, he is Sei's mount exclusively, unless otherwise specified.))
    2011 Althy winner for Best Comeback, Most Helpful Moderator, and Best IC Odd Couple (With Enigmatic Immortal). 2012 Althie Winner for Mr. Althanas, and best Bromance (also, with Enigmatic Immortal). 2014 Althy Winner Best Battler for Forrals Fortress.

    Gisela Open Winner (First Year), Lornius Cooperate Championship 3rd Place Winner (1/2 of 'Don't Blinke!', 2nd year).

    (21:41:22) Sulla: If you kill god, Nihilism fills the void, you need the ubermensch to take the place of god. Sei is the ubermensch.

  2. #12
    Member
    EXP: 24,798, Level: 6
    Level completed: 69%, EXP required for next level: 2,202
    Level completed: 69%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,202
    GP
    4,295
    Tainted Bushido's Avatar

    Name
    Taka
    Age
    21
    Race
    Akashiman (Human)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    White
    Eye Color
    Grey
    Job
    Samurai (Ronin)

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    Alright, Sei, I’m sorry but this thread is going to get knocked pretty hard. You are however going to get the new rubric, so lets see how I do with this wonderful rubric. Izvilvin’s disappearance from the site hurt your chances here, and with the sudden and abrupt ending it just mangled what could have been slavaged. More on how that effects your spoils later. I’m also giving full rubric, as I don’t want to have to sift through everything to hunt down the new condensed rubric. I feel you’ll benefit from this.

    ONTO THE JUDGING!

    Story: 4 - This story contained basic fundamentals of a story, with introduction and rising action. The climax however was robbed of me as was the conclusion. When telling a story you need to build up to a final moment, and have it peter off down. This is why yoru story got a four, as at least you had SOME build up, but even then, the build up was rushed and the introduction only barely present. Izvilvin didn’t help with the complete ignoring of the reason for the thread, and his return to the Jya’s Keep.

    Continuity - 4 - Izvilvin helped in this by tying his character strongly to the land of Fallien, however with Sei’s explanation of war it helps as well. However the rushed fight and the aftermath hurt the continuity a lot as I can’t help but feel things got too rushed for me to absorb everything that was going on. One minute it’s you preparing to fight a harpy, and the next you’re fighting a fifteen foot bird for a post and concluding. This rushed the continuity and makes it hard to tie everything together. Slow down, take your time, it may be time consuming to write it out more, but it should help create a far more believable and enjoyable experience.

    Setting - 5 - Setting was set up largely as a backdrop. The fact I got the setting down helped, however to net a higher score the interaction needs to be far more than what occurred in this thread. I feel that the rushed pace of this thread hurt you across the board.

    Creativity - 2 - While the use of the choking bird and saving it was a rather large breath of fresh air, this was a fairly straightforward quest with little creativity in the aspect of what went on. I feel that you really rushed this to get the phoenix.

    Character - 4 - I had a sense of Izvilvin, but nothing from Sei beyond, I’m supposed to be Sei Orlouge. Take a look at any Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew or babysitters Club novel, they all share on basic thread that runs through them. You never have to read the ones that came before to enjoy the current one. This is because everything you need to know about the characters is established quickly in the first couple of chapters. You should do one or two paragraphs in the course of the story to establish just who Sei Orlouge it, then through the story relate the character’s history to events going on.

    Interaction - 5 - Your interactions with Izvilvin were believable, especially his constant questioning of the so called “war” Sei was preparing for. While this helped you a bit, it also gave a good reason to explain just who Sei was, and helped character too. Remember Naruto? Yeah, they constantly used the fact Naruto was an idiot to explain stuff, and made it so the audience learned with him. When overused it is just as dangerous as having no interaction at all, so be careful with that advice.

    Strategy - 4 - You get a four on the strategy here, simply because throwing the sword in the birds mouth was a good call. However, keep in mind that most birds would have their stomach torn apart by a hunk of metal in their gullet. With the Phoenix I’m willing to suspend a bit of that disbelief, but I’m also left wondering just how he got it out without nearly killing the bird, Heimlich maneuver be damned.

    Mechanics - 6 - The strong point of the thread, you were cautious with the mechanical errors. However, there was little left for me to call upon as good spots of writing, mainly because there was so little of it. However, there is also the problem of you calling Izvilvin a “Drown“. If spellcheck doesn’t like a word that you are going to use a lot, right click and click add to dictionary so it doesn’t get you points lopped off. I also recommend that you always capitalize the name of a race, even used casually.

    Clarity - 6 - You get high marks only because there was so little to read. However higher marks require you to have more effort put in first, before you can breach the higher scores. It’s not that you couldn’t have perfect clarity, it’s merely that in rushing through this thread and further, the battle I felt this was a “Ten poster to get cool shit”. While I may be the first judge in awhile to heavily modify spoils, I’ll let it be known I was |-| close to flat out denying them.

    Wildcard - 3 - A quick little jaunt in the land of Sei, but ultimately falls flat in the campy way the Phoenix arrives, along with the quick resolution of the final battle. Apologies in advance for any frustration you’re about to endure.

    Total - 44

    Not a bad score considering how fast this thing got rushed.

    Spoils:

    1) The Horses - I’m modifying this. Sei Orlouge you are welcome to buy from Survani Oasis at a rate of 1000 per 20 you wish to include in the Ixian Knights. Consider that a discount from the fact you are also an outsider, had no ties to the country at all, and the fact that word travels, and they most certainly found out about your little war, despite efforts. Trying to keep quiet about it in one country when you scream it out in Radasanth does not cut it unfortunately.

    2) The Phoenix - I had to think long and hard about what I’m going to do for this. You have the right to have a Phoenix Pinion. This allows you a favor from the Phoenix who provided it, one favor. This means that you don’t have a mount, but rather, since you spared it’s life it is going to do you one favor in it’s capabilities. In one quest you can toss the pinion to the ground and shout out the Phoenix’s name, upon doing so the pinion will erupt in flames and from them your friend will appear, and help you until the threads end. After that, all bets are off and it’s obligation to you is over. You can attempt to befriend it and remake it your mount in that thread, subject to a judge’s approval.

    I consider that being generous by the way. You have a second chance at getting your bird, so I entreat you to make a better attempt at it.

    EXP and GP Spoils

    Izvilvin gets 440 Experience and 250 GP

    Silence Sei gets 634 Experience and no gold in Lieu of his spoils.

    Any issues can be sent to my PM box and on AIM SethDahlios. Keep in mind that due to infrequent computer usage that the PM box is probably more reliable than anything else.
    How something is said, is just as important as what is said. -Anonymous

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