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Thread: The Serpent's Son (Closed)

  1. #11
    Member
    EXP: 28,434, Level: 7
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next level: 6,566
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next level: 6,566
    GP
    818
    Cydnar's Avatar

    Name
    Cydnar Yrene
    Age
    960
    Race
    Hummel
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Grey
    Eye Color
    Grey
    Build
    6'2"/159lbs
    Job
    Politician

    The council chamber was silent when Cydnar awoke, his eyes encrusted with sleep and his heart heavy with lethargy and woe. There was no strength in his muscles, so he rested prone, gazing up at the dome of the spire and through the cracks to the effervescent storm sky beyond. He was nothing more than a speck on a tiny, elegant picture, a grain of dust marring a vast architectural Ziggurat to dark gods and darker meanings.

    What happened? He thought, unable to break his lips to whisper his question to anyone who would hear him. The bright lights of the magical runes and lightning that had illuminated the chamber during his 'trial' were gone, leaving him in twilight and chill and doubt. Am I alive?

    The Sage, the Keeper of Death of the Hummel had spoken in riddles and Cydnar was no closer to the truth than he had been before his death. Things had dawned on him, like Niddhogg's rise and the irony of Morgen's dreams luring him into a trap he could not escape...but they in turn had given rise to nothing more than further questions, longer riddles, and harder parables to decipher.

    He shivered and bit his lip, determined not to succumb to the cold after coming so far. He let the relaxing feeling of living wash over his body before trying to move, and slowly but surely, he rolled onto his side to grasp his surroundings. There was not a soul in sight, no councilmen, no audience, no Thayne corrupted overshadowing his presence...he was alone, amidst the devilry of Haida, with no way of calling for help.

    "If my death has been..." he licked his lips to try and restore their use, "undone...what use am I alive entombed in danger?" He felt somewhat relieved, as one might, but the pressing concern of survival was a greater burden than accepting life's end. He pushed himself upright and crossed his legs, setting as he did into the habitual inspection of his bracers and hauberk. They were scraped, chipped and somewhat worn, but the snake's bite had swallowed him whole and not chided his body in two.

    "By my hand...he shall fall, or by my voice, an army shall swarm to this tower and tear him asunder!" He bit his lip once more, and ran his fingertips shakily over the fangs. He frowned, expecting bone...but found them harder and more pronounced than they had been before. Something had transformed Cydnar, transformed his mettle, his emotion, his drive...he had spent so many years questioning his allegiance to the Salthias Temple and the ways of his people, but now, with it all under threat...

    "I will not let it fall."

    With great effort he rose, standing feebly with legs splayed at first, but gaining his balance with a surge of hope until he rested steadily on the balls of his feet.

    "I will re-sculpt, remould, and rebuild the Hummel..." He clenched his fists and walked with a limp towards the stair well that lead off down back into the lower reaches of the tower, unimpressed with the journey half finished, and unsure of himself and his capability to lead after the loss of his friends in the dark of Raiaera’s night...
    Last edited by Cydnar; 10-05-10 at 06:37 AM.

  2. #12
    Member
    EXP: 28,434, Level: 7
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next level: 6,566
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next level: 6,566
    GP
    818
    Cydnar's Avatar

    Name
    Cydnar Yrene
    Age
    960
    Race
    Hummel
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Grey
    Eye Color
    Grey
    Build
    6'2"/159lbs
    Job
    Politician

    From afar, a white robed being observed his Champion's advance across the cold stone and the pitiful engravings of sacrifice and pain. For too long he had been forbidden to interfere with the affairs of the world, such was the way of the Ancient Lore which bound Thayne in brotherhood and Althanas in life. The serenity exuding from the man's form drifted down across the bloodied steps and brought a shine to them for just a brief moment, before he turned and walked through the shimmering portal that floated just behind.

    "Yggdrassil..." A fell voice called, and the Sage turned his head to flatter his ancient enemy.

    The winged daemon Cydnar had fought appeared in a fiery convocation, smiling with malefic and clutching a bloodied corpse between its many hands.

    "Begone, Morgen, you have no authority and nothing to say that can stay my hand."

    "Oh..." he held the corpse out and snapped it in two, engorging himself in the flow of blood and entrails. "But Niddhogg wishes to see you - he wishes to know why the piety of his father prevails and allows him to meddle in affairs he should not!"

    Yggdrassil turned and ran his free hand through his hair, and fondled his Liviol cane. "I do not owe him any explanation - Cydnar must rise and bring about the regeneration of the Hummel...after they sacrificed so much to aid in the destruction of Xem'Zund, they need a champion, an avatar of hope...without him, they will fall, and Haida, an enemy more dangerous than he shall overthrow order."

    "So the snakes you bore to the world are to be sacrifices, for the 'greater good?" The daemon rasped, tossing the corpse aside and stepping closer, it's serpentine heads snapping forwards to make threats more physical and intent more visible.

    Yggdrassil smiled, and stepped back. "I made a sacrifice to bring him into the world...I will not hesitate to sacrifice him to save the lives of others - he made his choice."

    The portal flickered and shimmered as the Sage stepped through it and vanished. The light from its arcane energies faded, and Morgen scowled. He flexed his wings, erupted into fire, and returned to his master's side as he muttered "Odious fool," for an eternity.

    Spoils:

    The Blessing of Yggdrassil: Cydnar has been blessed by the Thayne Yggrassil, Sage of the White Winter and Guardian of Balance between Magical Fast and Magical Excess. As a consequence, he is watched, and his teeth and detect magic abilities will be increased at his next level up along with the formation of his counter magic sword play which has been developed in the previous thread briefly. This marks him both as a paladin of Yrene, and a Champion of Yggdrassil.
    Last edited by Cydnar; 10-05-10 at 06:39 AM.

  3. #13
    Screw You, Andy.
    EXP: 233,561, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next level: 0
    GP
    20,768
    Silence Sei's Avatar

    Name
    Sei Orlouge
    Age
    26
    Race
    Mystic
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Orange
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    5'11'', 172 lbs
    Job
    Protector of Radasanth.

    View Profile
    • STORY ~



    Continuity (5/10) ~ I know you stated that you did not wish to give full racial backgrounds to hummels and salthias and everything in your submission, but I would still appreciate a sentence or two about what the people are about. Had I not read your last work, I’d be completely confused as to what I was supposed to learn from your mentions. I mean, what are Salthias and Hummels supposed to mean to me as a reader? Please take that into account.


    Setting (5/10) ~ Setting was only used sporadically, but it only needed to be. I could picture the library, the stairs, even the trial. There just wasn’t anything to really impress me. There wasn’t a tear down fight where both demon and hummel tumbled down the stairs, no picking up books and reading what text or no-text was within them. Try to be more in touch with your surroundings, especially if you give decent ass settings like you did.

    Pacing (7/10) ~ Pretty steady the whole ride. The courtroom and death scene came out of left field, but it wasn’t bad nor good for you. I really don’t have much advice here on making your pacing better, you did a pretty good job.

    17/30


    • CHARACTER ~

    Dialogue (3/10) ~The lack of talking, or even inner monologue, really hurt this thread. I would advise that you let us into Cyd’s mind next time. Let us know the thoughts running through his brain as he gets ready for this bad ass iencounter. It’d really help us connect as readers.

    Action (6/10) ~ Action had a slow take off, but it evened itself out in the end. I expect a knock down drag out any time I read a Cyd thread at this point. Fighting demons just seems to be in old dude’s character. Naturally, you don’t disappoint. Even the trial and execution were carried out well.



    Persona (3/10) ~ We really didn’t explore Cyd as a character in this thread, moreso than we reviewed him as a warrior. He really didn’t contribute much other than the swordplay, so I can’t score you very high here. There was also no emotion to Cyd expect when he plead his case to the court. I could sense his convictions, but other than that, nothing to make me feel one way or the other about him.

    12/30
    • WRITING STYLE ~

    Mechanics (7/10) ~ One or two misplaced commas and a mispelt word almost ruined the thread for me at the start. Luckily, you came through and kept the rest of your mechanics pretty clean.

    Technique (5/10) ~ The story to the snakes was pretty interesting, and I could detect that they would come back even before you had the last post convo. Once again, nothing really to help improve here. You should know the literary devices that could aid you. Just one quick note though, I would post your links at the end of the thread, in a spoiler tag. Otherwise, they deter from the thread and become very distracting.

    Clarity (7/10) ~ I understood everything except for the field, and the last post temporarily confused the hell out of me. There’s not much help I can give you except for be more clear on what’s going on in the scene.
    Wild Card (7/10) ~ I enjoyed it. What can I say? Cyd’s prolly my second favorite character out of you (The first being Ms. La Roux)


    26/40

    Total: 55/100

    Cyd gets 1500 EXP and 135 GP

    Spoils approved pending RoG
    2011 Althy winner for Best Comeback, Most Helpful Moderator, and Best IC Odd Couple (With Enigmatic Immortal). 2012 Althie Winner for Mr. Althanas, and best Bromance (also, with Enigmatic Immortal). 2014 Althy Winner Best Battler for Forrals Fortress.

    Gisela Open Winner (First Year), Lornius Cooperate Championship 3rd Place Winner (1/2 of 'Don't Blinke!', 2nd year).

    (21:41:22) Sulla: If you kill god, Nihilism fills the void, you need the ubermensch to take the place of god. Sei is the ubermensch.

  4. #14
    Screw You, Andy.
    EXP: 233,561, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next level: 0
    GP
    20,768
    Silence Sei's Avatar

    Name
    Sei Orlouge
    Age
    26
    Race
    Mystic
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Orange
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    5'11'', 172 lbs
    Job
    Protector of Radasanth.

    View Profile
    EXP-GP added.

    CYD LEVELED UP!

    If I didn't no better, I'd say you planned this...
    2011 Althy winner for Best Comeback, Most Helpful Moderator, and Best IC Odd Couple (With Enigmatic Immortal). 2012 Althie Winner for Mr. Althanas, and best Bromance (also, with Enigmatic Immortal). 2014 Althy Winner Best Battler for Forrals Fortress.

    Gisela Open Winner (First Year), Lornius Cooperate Championship 3rd Place Winner (1/2 of 'Don't Blinke!', 2nd year).

    (21:41:22) Sulla: If you kill god, Nihilism fills the void, you need the ubermensch to take the place of god. Sei is the ubermensch.

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