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Thread: In Her Web She's Caught (Solo)

  1. #31
    Crimson Matriarch
    EXP: 30,051, Level: 7
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    Level completed: 39%,
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    Ruby's Avatar

    Name
    Ruby Winchester
    Age
    534 (appears 24)
    Race
    Human
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    Female
    Hair Color
    Red
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    Brown
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    5'11"/139lbs

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    With a sudden rush of relief and adrenaline, the fire which scintillated over Ruby's flesh began to fade. Her armour, barely covering her body in the absence of her cloth attire suddenly felt cold, heavy and tiresome. Though they were victorious in their attempts to seal the jurugumo back into the prison that was its shrine, she could not help but feel as if they had sacrificed too much to do so.

    "Lillith, ask him if we can return the crystal to the dais", she said with exasperated breath.

    Her sister complied, and the shaman and guide nodded together in happy union. Blank limped over to the floating sphere and plucked it from the thermal magical energy which held it aloft and rubbed it against his breast as if it were a fresh apple.

    "It is a shame they are bound to these strange places, it would fetch a pretty penny in Scara Brae, should we change our minds..."

    With lank, foetid hair and bloodied limbs, they each made their way towards the centre of the jurugumo's shrine. Whatever foul individual had slipped into the darkness and set her free, they would never know, but with a silent prayer, Blank placed the crystal onto the centre of the platform at the heart of the warm light of the eternal candles, and bowed. They looked every bit the adventuring, daring trio they felt, but the greatest journey still remained ahead of them.

    "We should rest here for a moment, to compose ourselves and staunch our wounds, before making the trip back to the camp." Ruby did not take long to return to her matriarchal state, her long, red hair feathered by her magic was now down over her breasts in a great mane of colour. She admired it with a toss whilst she waited for Lillith to finish her solemn vigil.

    "We can do nothing for the souls she has taken, sister. The patron of this journey has been avenged, her husband's soul passed on, by all means, but avenged and honoured..."

    Lillith looked over her shoulder, and with a half yawn, nodded.

    "Come," Ruby held out her hand as a warming gesture, and they walked over to the shaman and guide gladdened, reprieved, and no longer trapped in the spider's web. They sat by the chalk circle, and tended their wounds with torn shreds of cloth from whatever clothes they had that were not blood stained or burnt, and forged their victory song in their minds in silence and contemplation.


    Spoils:

    Lillith - The Oni: Tainted and poisoned by the dark magic of a Greater Oni spirit, Lillith will start to perceive kami and oni and places in Akashima where the spirit world leaks into reality. This in essence is the start of a fourth aspect to her 'personality' skills; effectively, the awakening of The Spirit Warder, and is nothing more than a descriptive skill until it is developed further.

    Ruby - Song Upgrade: Ruby's hair has even more feathers than ever before, and now, whenever she sings Phoenix Paean she can take on a progressively more avian form. Her hair is no longer simply red when she attempts this song, but orange and yellow and gold too. It will now staunch light wounds of the target with greater efficiency.

    Blank - Unbreakable: Blank's will, resilience and stamina to physical blows have increased to a level equal to X1.2% his current level (an upgrade which will be requested in his next profile). He is now much more resilient to interrogation, and will virtually never reveal information when pressed under torture.
    Last edited by Ruby; 05-08-11 at 01:25 PM.

  2. #32
    Member
    EXP: 7,821, Level: 3
    Level completed: 71%, EXP required for next level: 1,179
    Level completed: 71%,
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    The International's Avatar

    Name
    Vespasian Villeneuve
    Age
    24
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    5'10 / 140 lbs
    Job
    Covert Operative

    First off allow me to apologize for the time it took to post this judgment, and the mix up about the Writer’s Workshop posting. Now on to the judgment.

    Plot Construction 23 /30

    Story 8 /10 – Your quest had everything a good story could have. Protagonists and an antagonist, a proper intro, rising action, climax, and conclusion. Due to your amazing character depth you managed to create a climax that was more emotionally charged than the average thread I read on Althanas. The biggest issue I had was right after Lillith was taken. You could have made it clearer for the reader as to what was going on with her.

    Strategy 7 /10 – You used your character’s abilities in a pretty straight forward yet conservative manor. I’m going to take a lesson from you and not dole out everything my characters have to offer on first draw. My two biggest complaints a) I had a hard time suspending my disbelief when Lillith was taken and the others did very little to stop it. I just found it uncharacteristic of Blank to not do at least a little more than he did. B) I think if you had spent a bit more time putting some more details in the cave you would have naturally had Blank and Ruby use them to their advantage. Taking cover inside a large crack in the wall, launching oneself from an elevated area within the cave, etc. a) has to do with Character and b) has to do with setting.

    Setting 8 /10 – Your colorful prose and literary skill shine here. The way you describe your settings… delicious! And my imagination fills in the blanks very quickly. The best example would be at the beginning of the quest where you describe the cave. You simply stated the following.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ruby
    … The red headed mistress asked with a whisper, careful not to waken the oni that no doubt slumbered in the shadows beyond the stalagmite bordered entrance.
    My mind went gobble gobble gobble and filled in the rest. The difficult part is that when it comes time to use that environment you’re at a disadvantage, and you can manage to spend some more time on it.

    Characterisation 23 /30

    Continuity 9 /10 – This for me is all about the world of Althanas and whether or not you did it justice. Your characters made the place feel like Akashima, as did your prose and proper use of Asian backed terminology. I especially liked it when Lillith used Japanese during her dream sequence. It was sprinkled with some suffixes, ‘sama’ here and there, but you nailed authenticity right on the head for me when you did that. Some may question that, but I sure won’t. It made Akashima authentic. You did your research and you should be proud of yourself. The only reason I can’t give you a ten is just because I know you could do even better!

    Interaction 7 /10 – This is tied in with the setting, character, and strategy scores. You did alright here. The actions were logical and consistent, however the fact that Blank didn’t do more to save Lillith initially leads me to question everything.

    Character 7 /10 – Duffy, I can see exactly why you made your NPCs Player Characters. You have such a firm grasp of them and every time I read your material I contemplate whether I should split my own ensemble. Once again though I have to go back to Blank, and his reaction to Lillith’s abduction. It was the only problem I had.

    Writing Style 22 /30

    Creativity 8 /10 – Your literary devices are strong. At first they kept me entertained, and they helped give your narrative some substance. You could have given yourself even more room to flex that muscle if you had written a little more content to each post.

    Mechanics 7 /10 – There were some words that were missing one letter as I read the thread. That forced me to go back once or twice to confirm that was the proper word my mind had assumed.

    Clarity 7 /10 – This category was affected by the post just after Lillith was taken. It hurt your pacing and it left the reader with a question mark in his head, but I have a feeling that you did that on purpose to leave us hanging in suspense a little. Sometimes we have to sacrifice a little clarity for the betterment of the overall story.

    Wildcard: 7/10
    I’ll be keeping up with your troupe whether I’m judging your threads or not. I’m hooked now.

    Total: 75

    All spoils seem appropriate for the level of the characters. I'll approve them but you know the deal. An RoG mod will have to approve them upon level updates.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ruby La Roux
    Spoils:

    Lillith - The Oni: Tainted and poisoned by the dark magic of a Greater Oni spirit, Lillith will start to perceive kami and oni and places in Akashima where the spirit world leaks into reality. This in essence is the start of a fourth aspect to her 'personality' skills; effectively, the awakening of The Spirit Warder, and is nothing more than a descriptive skill until it is developed further.

    Ruby - Song Upgrade: Ruby's hair has even more feathers than ever before, and now, whenever she sings Phoenix Paean she can take on a progressively more avian form. Her hair is no longer simply red when she attempts this song, but orange and yellow and gold too. It will now staunch light wounds of the target with greater efficiency.

    Blank - Unbreakable: Blank's will, resilience and stamina to physical blows have increased to a level equal to X1.2% his current level (an upgrade which will be requested in his next profile). He is now much more resilient to interrogation, and will virtually never reveal information when pressed under torture.
    Lillith Kazumi gains 800exp and 400gp
    Ruby La Roux gains 1510exp and 400gp
    Blank gains 1230exp and 400gp

    Ruby and Lillith Level Up! Congratulations!
    Last edited by The International; 05-24-11 at 05:29 PM.
    The Villeneuve Family
    Vespasian - PC, Lv. 1, Lv. 2 ...THE BABY!
    Maelle Eldest Sister
    Ludivine Middle Sister
    Esme Father

  3. #33
    Screw You, Andy.
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    Silence Sei's Avatar

    Name
    Sei Orlouge
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    26
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    Mystic
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    Protector of Radasanth.

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    GP-EXP added.
    2011 Althy winner for Best Comeback, Most Helpful Moderator, and Best IC Odd Couple (With Enigmatic Immortal). 2012 Althie Winner for Mr. Althanas, and best Bromance (also, with Enigmatic Immortal). 2014 Althy Winner Best Battler for Forrals Fortress.

    Gisela Open Winner (First Year), Lornius Cooperate Championship 3rd Place Winner (1/2 of 'Don't Blinke!', 2nd year).

    (21:41:22) Sulla: If you kill god, Nihilism fills the void, you need the ubermensch to take the place of god. Sei is the ubermensch.

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