Orlouge Training Lesson 6: Tinerad Orlouge

[Silence Sei]

Now that Tinerad was less concerned about the girl, he noticed that the hand she had been punching with that morning was not the hand that wielded Sophia's Mane. Kyla would tell him a day or so later that she had managed to break the glass with her right hand sometime in the middle of the night, and went straight away to using her left. Kyla's right hand was just as bloodied as her left, if not more, and after some bandaging and screams from the younger Mystic, the two spent the rest of the week laughing and having what could only be described as an Orlouge style vacation.

"Are you sure you need to go so soon, Kyla?" Tinerad asked the girl while putting a hand on her head, messing up her hair as if she was a child. The younger Mystic batted his hand away and furrowed her brow in a faux pas of anger. The way the girl attempted to look angry at him caused the large man to laugh, which in turn caused Kyla to stomp her foot.

"I'm certain, especially when you're treating me like that!" Kyla exclaimed, looking towards the city of Fallien in the distance. It was funny, with the heat coming off of the sand like it was, Fallien seemed to look like an oasis of sorts to the common traveler. Kyla wondered if this was why so many people met their end at the dessert continent. She quickly remembered how much Tinerad did not like being ignored, and focused back on him. "Your wife wants to see me for some training as well, Grandpa. Personally, I'm way more afraid of Armonia than I am with you. From what I hear, she can set things on fire with her mind."

"Wouldn't it be better if I taught you how to do that?"

"You mean you can?"

"No, but wouldn't it be better if I could?" Tinerad let out one of his trademark laughs, a thing Kyla was finding more and more endearing. She gave her relative a big hug before starting to walk away into the sands. Just before she was out of his sight, Kyla could hear her kin calling back to her.

"How do I know you'll be safe on the journey there?"

"You don't," Kyla called back, not even bothering to look at the older Mystic, "but that's half the fun of the adventure." And as Kyla disappeared into the rising Fallien sun, he could have sworn he heard a deep toned, hearty laugh from the girl...

[The International]

Review for Orlouge Training Lesson 6: Tinerad Orlouge.

The both of you work behind the scenes with me, and you both know what the definition of Light Commentary is if you look at our Rough Guide. Since I am supposed to give you only the major points in which you are supposed to improve I will do just that. Even if you had requested Full Commentary the recurring theme of my notes would have been more time. I’ve seen you both do much better than this, but I also understand that it was just a quick fun thread, and it was an amusing read for me. I could only imagine what it would have been like if the same story would have been done over a longer investment of time.

Plot Construction 19 /30

Story 6 /10 – Even if it is supposed to be a light read it would have been nice if there was a greater, more emotional conflict (not necessarily violence) involved.

Strategy 7 /10 – More descriptive language.

Setting 6 /10 – More vivid language.

Characterisation 18 /30

Continuity 5 /10 – Take liberties with a region.

Interaction 5 /10 – More action, less dialogue.

Character 8 /10 – Fun characters!

Writing Style 16 /30

Creativity 4 /10 – You were both pretty straight forward and simple with your language. Literary and rhetorical devices could have helped a lot with the other categories.

Mechanics 7 /10 – Missed letter or word here and there, but nothing too blatant in my book.

Clarity 5 /10 – It wasn’t that this was difficult to comprehend or understand. It’s just that I could have had so much more of a deeper understanding of your characters and their situations if you had taken more time.

Wildcard: 7 /10 – Like I said before I understand that you didn’t intend on a JC or anything here.

Total 60 /100

Sei gains 840 exp
Amber Eyes gains 450 exp

Amber Eyes’ spoils are under the jurisdiction of the RoG therefore her request for the boost in strength is approved pending RoG approval.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added! Congratulations to Sei on becoming the first Althanian ever to break the level 15 boundary! Welcome to the last level. Though not technically, but still. :P