True Colors

[Amen]

Hey Sei! I'm sure you've seen this already. Sorry for sort of talking around you while I was learning. Let me know if you've got any questions about my judgment or whatever.


Silence Sei’s “True Colors”

Plot Construction 15/30

Story 6/10 - This was a slice-of-life character development story with a clear-cut problem (Sei’s apparent guilt) that you introduce early and elucidate upon. The conclusion, likewise, was brilliantly done and I think had a lot of kick to it – it felt poignant. It’s the middle stuff that could use some work here, which is admittedly hard with the framework you’ve adopted. If I had to pick what felt like the climax of the story, it would be the second-to-last post when Andrew Octane finally confronts Sei with a useful piece of advice. This had a lot of space to be as poignant as the conclusion, but there were two issues I had with it. First, the reader isn’t given a sense of emotional buildup in Sei (his frustration came as a surprise to me – it makes sense, but isn’t hinted at in the meat of the story…this is a complicated problem, see what I wrote in Characterization). Second, we’re never really given a lot of insight into what, exactly, is bothering Sei, and the climax would be a great place to go into that. I mean, I know roughly that it has to do with some ugly stuff that went down with Cassandra, but we discover she’s still alive. What, exactly, is bothering our mute hero about his resident psychopath? I get the sense that it’s a complex emotional problem, but it’s only hinted at, and I think that softens the effect of the climax. It’s not a BAD climax by any stretch, but I think it would have benefitted greatly by being longer and more illuminating. As it stands, it just feels like another character giving advice, and the only thing that sets it apart is that this character directly elicits a response from Sei, and then the conclusion flows from that.

I’ll sum it up this way: this story runs at an even keel, and then blasts me with an affecting conclusion at the end (which I enjoyed). A better story would have had some rising tension (perhaps a stronger hint to Sei’s growing frustration or sadness), an explosive encounter between Octane and Sei in which his private troubles are revealed, and then a colder, quieter, and I think even more poignant conclusion where Sei can finally sleep.

Strategy 6/10 – Sei’s skills and abilities didn’t really have room to come into play here, which is…refreshing. I liked that his trademark hair can’t be meddled with, it’s an interesting facet, and (whether intentional or not) symbolic of the conclusion the story reaches. Still, Sei is just wandering through the story and none of his skills or abilities or background or his personality drive that action. Again, if I never get a peek inside his head or a hint of his hidden emotional struggle, he just comes across as an unvoiced robot wandering into the scene head-hung and hands-in-pocket and then out again with a kindly smile. Thankfully, there’s a vast cast of characters here imparting their fair share of personality, which DOES serve to drive the story in amusing ways. Each character’s distinct personality influences the kind of advice they give to Sei. Now, you would have scored higher here if the reader was given some idea what Sei thought about that advice, and perhaps how each piece failed to satisfy or contributed to the mute’s frustration/misery/guilt/whatever. Essentially, if you had more obviously used Sei’s trademark silence to further the story.

As a side note, I understand that part of Sei’s personality is that he’s a mute, which naturally means he’s going to keep to himself and we don’t necessarily know what he’s thinking. And that makes the cast that surrounds him imperative because their often over-the-top externality is a foil to Sei’s silence. But I still have to judge this as a story, and I think this story would have been served by some (especially nonverbal) hints to Sei’s changing (or unchanging) emotional state.

Setting 3/10 – I need more! I need a lot more! I have this thing, which shows up in particular when I’m reading something very character-driven, as “True Colors” is. Basically, your characters appear in my head on a dark stage lit by spotlights. Ideally as the post goes on the lights will come up and I’ll start to see the background and the various props, and in the best stories I’ll cease to envision the characters on a stage at all: they’ll be real people standing in real places. For the most part, Sei and company remained on the stage, and in some cases remained in the dark. Worst of all, I was apparently seated in the boonies because I couldn’t make out what anybody looked like. I basically caught Sei’s orange hair and his eyes from time to time.

I know the important part is the two characters interacting, but in the interest of immersion I need to know what’s going on around them, especially when the environment is going to come into play even briefly. For example, in Chibimon Blue’s post, the two characters literally run into each other and have a whole conversation, and then are abruptly in a forest (but only because a critter showed up to distract Hsa). It’s jarring when the setting is introduced suddenly after a fair bit of interaction has already taken place, especially if the setting unexpectedly becomes important.

Characterization 14/30

Continuity 5/10 – Again, you took a hit here because I didn’t get a sense of how things were progressing with Sei emotionally as the story went on. It absolutely makes sense that Sei is frustrated by the end of the story, but the reader isn’t given a sense of that frustration – he leaves at least half the encounters smiling, and only one of the characters suggests that his contentment isn’t genuine (which isn’t confirmed until the very end). I gave you some credit because you’re clearly running in-line with the wider happenings of the Ixian Knights, but I would have liked more elucidation. I’m not privy to what’s going on in the Knights, so more detail about what happened between Cassandra and Sei would have been useful to me. Something that did jump out at me, though (and I’m nitpicking here): in Gran-Gran’s post, William Arcus is playing Rat Trap and something is described as being plastic. A medieval fantasy world with plastic is jarring to me! I understand you were going for humor (and god, it worked), but I felt like I should point it out just on principle.

Interaction 5/10 – This one was difficult for me to score. By nature, Sei is…well, silent. Still, if the last two posts are any indication, Sei DOES have the ability to communicate, and there are certainly venues of nonverbal interaction. I wasn’t always given a real strong sense of how Sei was reacting or behaving while all the other characters were imparting their wisdoms. I like the humorous effect of all these extroverted characters essentially grabbing Sei and holding him captive while they assault him with their advice, but more of his (even silent) reaction would have been a good thing. When I did get his reactions, they were usually hilarious (again, Gran-Gran comes to mind…small wonder the poor guy is silent).

Character 4/10 – I’ve already beaten this horse thoroughly. One more time: I would have LOVED more of a peek inside Sei’s head, or more description of his body language to give me hints at his hidden mental state. I’m giving you a slight boost because your characters were usually distinct: Hsa reads like a completely different person from Octane, but I will say that there wasn’t enough written to strongly distinguish Octane from Play Back or Steppenwolf. Gran-Gran and Satanfoot are obviously very distinct characters and were written consistently, but they’re caricatures. Still, I feel like Sei is still the star of this show, and yet I don’t feel like I know him all that well. I would like to read more of your writing with Sei, because I think part of the problem here is that this thread was particularly short. I just wasn’t given sufficient time to really get to know any of these guys.

Writing Style 23/30

Creativity 6/10 – The thematic creativity was high here. I’ve already pointed out Sei’s unchanging hair mirroring or symbolizing the thread’s conclusion. I don’t know if that was intentional but I’m going to pretend like it was, because the story did wrap up nicely in most other ways. I didn’t see an incredible amount of mechanical creativity, but that’s something every writer has to be careful with anyway. I suggest you play with more literary techniques than I saw here, for sure, but don’t feel like I’m penalizing you and telling you that you suck if you don’t use more metaphors – it’s distracting when you force it.

Mechanics 7/10 – Now, this thread was absolutely readable and at no point was I confused as to what you were trying to tell me. Still, I did manage to find small mechanical errors in maybe every other post. Most of your trouble seems to come from missing/misplaced apostrophes (examples off the top of my head: “the flocks noses” in the first post, “I feel like you’re being here” in the last). There were also a few minor issues with quotes and punctuation. Honest mistakes, not a lack of knowledge. There were a number of small formatting mistakes as well (most glaringly, you didn’t finish the code for making the letter to Cassandra italicized), which I feel should have jumped out in a cursory read-through.

Clarity 10/10 – Your writing is very clear, and I always felt I knew what was going on. I did not need to reread anything, and I couldn’t even specifically pick out anything awkward enough to comment on with a second read-through.

Wildcard 9/10 – I enjoyed this. I’m intrigued by this. This thread was great because it gave me a plethora of appealing characters, and my main criticism is that I didn’t get enough of them which is, in fact, a good problem to have. I would love to read more about these guys, but especially Sei. You specifically asked what you can do to make these guys INTERESTING, but I think that’s the wrong question. They’re already interesting characters. The trick is going to be finding out what makes them unique (especially characters like Steppenwolf and Octane, who seemed similar based on what I have here) and finding a situation you can put them in to have them shine in a way that is personal to each character.

Total: 61

Silence Sei gains 440 EXP and 175 GP.
Play Back gains 70 EXP and 50 GP.
Chibimon Blue gains 70 EXP and 50 GP.
The Trap Master gains 73 EXP and 50 GP.
Satanfoot Blocker gains 85 EXP and 75 GP.
Sapphire Eyes gains 70 EXP and 50 GP.
Gran-Gran gains 85 EXP and 75 GP.
Aimer Haine Rogers gains 70 EXP and 50 GP.


...Dave gains carpal tunnel syndrome and a sense of accomplishment.

[Yari Rafanas]

EXP and GP added