The Heart of the Nomad
This is going to be a full rubric judgment with full commentary, and I’ll definitely be making notes on continuity, setting, and character development both because you requested it and because they’re of particular note here.
Plot Construction – 21/30
Story – 4/10
I think the best advice I can give here, especially for this thread, is “let the story drive the action.” As I read this, I couldn’t help but feel as though the story took a back seat to the locations, which in the end left me a little disappointed. I didn’t really feel the immediacy of Mordelain’s delivery run, or the threat of the bandits, or the horror of discovering the bodies, or the looming threat of war.
Strategy – 8/10
Excellent use of your character here. Seriously. Mordelain fits this prompt so well and you use her brilliantly – a planeswalker is probably the best messenger/delivery girl you could ask for.
Setting – 9/10
AWESOME. I’m 98% positive you set out to write a love-letter to Fallien, and it worked. Everywhere your character went, I could imagine it. You made excellent use of smells and food, you kept the heat in mind, the world was populated and believable. It’s hard for me to find feedback to give you here. You’re definitely channeling Earth’s middle east, which is understandable, but I think adding more fantastical twists to your descriptions will help remind us that this is not Earth and these are not the people of Iraq or Saudi Arabia or Egypt. I like what you DID do in this regard: mentioning the alien threats in the desert was a good touch, and your minimalistic approach to describing the harpies actually makes them terrifying. I can only think of one other minor gripe: you describe Irrakam as humid. Is it? From what you describe otherwise, my mind is drawing me a picture of a very arid place, windswept, dry. I know the river is there, but I think describing more of the flora and fauna near and around Irrakam would be useful – humid places tend to be rainy and rife with vegetation, which is okay! Maybe Irrakam is more temperate than the rest of Fallien, but I didn’t really get that sense from what was written here.
Still, very very good. Maybe TOO good (I’ll address that later).
Characterization – 17/30
Continuity – 8/10
Again, excellent work. This thread absolutely builds upon the Althanas mythos, and aspects of it will absolutely make its way into my own work with Fallien. Not only does Fallien interact brilliantly with itself and its inhabitants, it interacts with the rest of the known world as well (you mentioned the Rangers factor into the spice trade). Watch Mordelain’s reactions, though, she came across as strangely wishy-washy and unaffected by what’s going on around her. For example: at first it seems like the weight of finding a bunch of dead bodies is on her, and then it just melts off when she finds snacks. This COULD be a facet of her character, considering her nature as somebody that sort of drifts from place to place as a thing, but if it is it needs to be addressed a little more directly.
Interaction – 4/10
See above. Mordelain’s reactions to the world are a little jarring at times; they don’t quite seem to click. She seems…drifty, like she’s just wandering from scene to scene to observe things, but she’s not quite cemented in the events she’s a part of.
Character – 5/10
Some things you do really well here, others I found myself wanting more. I can honestly say I don’t know Mordelain after this thread. I know she’s basically good, I know she has a strong sense of duty, I know she’s more likely to run from danger than fight – but I don’t know WHY. And there are larger facets of her character that elude me. She has the amusing recollection that Bedouins are rumored not to wear underwear, but is she amused by it? Is she sexually interested in Karachi, or is it more childish than that? I don’t really know. Everything I can gather about her character is given in scant bits and pieces, and who she is as a person is only ever hinted at, never really elucidated upon.
On the other hand, there were moments in the story that hit me like snapshots. For example, in the epilogue she’s eating when Suresh asks her a question, and she shakes her head while grinning. The image is a good one, it’s a real one, and it’s actually pretty – I can imagine her in that moment and I like her. I think if you could focus on those snapshots, it’d be much easier for the reader to say who Mordelain is.
Writing Style - 20/30
Creativity – 6/10
Beautiful descriptive language, absolutely wonderful world-building, but I would need more from a story to give you a ten here. You spent so much energy building me this remarkable world, but you didn’t leave enough creative energy to fashion compelling events within that world.
Mechanics – 6/10
Eight out of your twenty posts had minor mechanical errors, but nothing major. They were often things that are easy to overlook in proofreading: tense confusion in post #3, wrong “its” in post #13. Sometimes I think the wrong word got swapped for the one you were looking for, like “festooning” instead of “festering.” Overall? Not bad.
Clarity – 8/10
There were a few spots where I was momentarily flabbergasted and didn’t know what had just happened. For example, when Mordelain is captured by the bandits she up and disappears. It was just as jarring to me as it was to the bandits; I couldn’t figure out why the poor guy flopped over until I read past it, then went back and went “oooh.” I think you have to dumb it down a bit for me.
Wildcard – 7/10
I liked this! Setting was brilliant, continuity was brilliant, and you’re on the right track for drawing your character for the reader. I think what would have really made this thread is a compelling story – something besides the setting to draw me in, a strong REASON to explore these well-created landscapes.
TOTAL: 65
Mordelain gains 1300 EXP!
Mordelain gains 30 GP!
Mordelain gains the following spoils, with the ability gains and losses pending RoG approval:
+ Kukri: A steel kukri purchased from the Freerunner Armoury in the il'Jhain Abdos, for the price of 15 gold. It was a gift from the merchant Suresh to Mordelain, so that she can learn to better protect herself in the harsh wilderness of the desert.
+ Steel Pole-Arm: A 6 foot steel tipped pole-arm with a black shaft and cross inlay below the weapon's tip. It has a small spike on the base, for balance and to counter-thrust. It was purchased from the Freerunner Armoury by Suresh.
+ il'Jhain Map: A rectangle parchment roughly 30 centimetres by 20 enchanted to show Fallien to a messenger, as well as his current assignment and the route required to most safely traverse the sands by approved routes of their house.
+ North Gate Belt: A belt with a silver clasp with several circular holes in it to mount tokens, Freerunner currency and status symbols amongst the il'Jhain. It is enchanted to give the wearer (not just a messenger) the innate sense of knowing where north is at all times.
Token: First Delivery
Token: Spice War Mission
+ Mosaic Fruit Bowel: Made of sugar glass from Nirrakal, this fruit bowel is a delicate piece of artwork as well as a convenient vessel to keep fruit fresh and aired in.
+ She of the Desert: Average knowledge of Fallien's flora, fauna and it's customs.
Loses the following dances:
• Becalming Admiration: If in a city, or near flowers, the aura extends ten feet and calms non-evil humans with euphoria and a desire to lessen their attacks against her.
• Subtle Emancipation: If near water, ice or glass, Mordelain is surrounded by a mirage of swirling lights and heat, which averts eyes and attention but not sound.
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