On Duty (Open to other Workers)

[Rhelin]

She tease him, chided him for his dour way, and if his flesh could express it as well as his fair-skinned counterpart, he would've blushed from the experience. Rhiannon seemed almost put down by his last words to her, and Rhelin let that be for the time being. He kept pace with her on their way to the rallying area.

Something about the woman didn't sit quite right with Rhelin. It wasn't a bad thing all together, not knowing what she had hidden. It wasn't wholly good either, though. It was like a luke-warm cup of water, not entirely enjoyed but still refreshing.

The group of watchmen that gather under an ancient, sprawling oak tree represented all of the races that could be scrounged up in Concordia. Humans, elf-folk, cross-breeds and even some bestial races stood to the call to arms for the sake of Underwood, whether it was for home, glory, or gold was irrelevant at the moment.

The Officer of the guard handed the Sergeant of the same a rolled up parchment containing the districts that were to be patrolled throughout the day, it changed often in order to spoil the chances for subterfuge. It would be much harder to plan an ambush, or a raid, if watchmen couldn't be counted on to be somewhere conveniently out of the way at any given time. In spite of all that forethought, the task of assigning the soldiers to their duties was arbitrary at best, which would work out to Rhelin's advantage it would turn out.

No one would be a lone, with the dangers that inherently came with being town watchmen ever present, along with the added possibilities of war approaching Underwood, teams of two was the rule. The Sergeant of the Guard went down the rank and file, eventually squaring on both Rhelin and Rhiannon.

"You two!" He bellowed, the bass in his voice the product of years of yelling at fowled-up soldiers.

"Rhelin and Rhiannon, Sergeant!" Rhelin snapped to.

"Your names don' matter, troop." He said, even as he penned down their names to the parchment.

"You and her have the warehouse district, there will be a couple of other patrols in that area, so if you have issues, just...shout," he grinned. "Your shift don't end 'til the crier sounds off nine O' clock. Now go."

Rhelin's heart sank at those orders. He knew this job wouldn't be glamorous, he understood that to be sure. After all, what was glamorous these days? Still though, the idea of guarding crates and bushels had no appeal to him in the slightest. However, he would still make the best of it, his mood seemed to lift in the face of a twelve-hour shift. In the right company it would go by quickly.

He flashed Rhiannon a spirited smile, giving an exaggerated smile. "After you, M'lady! Wood and grain need protecting!"

[Rhiannon]

While in presence of the officers and higher ranks, Rhiannon remained very still, much like a statue. When it came to work, her personality would very much change to serious behavior. When her name was called, a hand folded flat above her brow. Listening to her command to watch the warehouse, she called. "Aye sir." Feet immediately hit the surface quickly as she proceeded to head toward the warehouse, figuring her partner Rhelin wouldn't lag too far behind.

As the other patrol would grow in the distance as more names were called out in different locations of Underword, her green eyes peered over her shoulder, a smirk written on her face. "Well, aren't we just lucky. Seems that we won't be parting as soon as we thought. Have to admit though, wasn't expecting the whole warehouse thing. Roland better of not done this. He knows I was attacked by an Akuna the other night."

Her lips were still after that moment as her mind collected the thoughts of that night. That creature was anything but human. The thought of running into another one brought a paleness to her complextion. Though she didn't want to seem weak because Roland had to smite the creature before her. It bothered her. "Hadn't it been for Roland, I feel I would of met my demise that night. I wasn't expecting a creature so strong, so fierce. It was... a monster.."

There were no monsters in her world. Just bad men and wild animals.

"All I know is I won't be caught off guard again..."

This was now her new life, her new beginning to this world that she still has yet to understand. All comes with time though, and Rhiannon knew this. The woman hoped this was only a temporary home, but was prepared to face the truth if she could in fact never return to her home on Earth. This was the new chapter of her life, the start of her experience in Althanas.

[Venessian]

Everyone loves looking at their scores and reading their critiques, but please guys, if you're going to take anything away from this judging, let it be this:

Reading is a writer's best friend. We all have our own styles, but please trust me when I say that in all my experience, the thing that will benefit both of you the most, will be reading (from start to finish) a thread by one of Althanas' accomplished writers. The easiest way to go about it would be to check out the crystal ball section of the main directory (very bottom) and checking out any thread in "judge's choice". You don't have to emulate them. Indeed, you'd be discouraged from doing so. But they all scored very high, and with good reason.

With that being said...


Plot Construction

Story ~ 3/10 - Honestly, there wasn't much of one. This was a missing element in "On Duty". You both made a new friend to roleplay with, and that's better than gold pieces on Althanas. But as for a story... "On Duty" fell short of the mark. Its hard to coordinate an adventure with other players, but if the climax of your story is conversation over breakfast, keep writing. 20 posts isn't long for a quest thread, believe me. Next time, keep going! Give us more! I was hoping to see the two of you team up and kick an Akuna's ass, but instead, you ate oatmeal and talked about Bob Marley. I like Bob and everything... but no. You scored a little higher than I was originally going to give you, and that was solely because I justified it as Rhiannon finding her niche in Althanas, but even still, you would have gotten a much higher story score if it didn't end so abruptly.

Strategy ~ 4/10 - I think everyone has wanted to feed a demon a cattle prod at one point in time or another, but Rhiannon lived the dream. Personalities fell a bit short of solid, but never the less, I think I learned more than a bit about both your characters by the final post. I've always felt that characters not from Althanas have a bit of a handicap when compared to Althanas natives. References to Earth always seem a bit clunky, but Rhiannon, I have to say, you did a pretty good job. Rhelin, you noticed that she had an alienation theme going and you were quick to compare it to your own history, and as a result, the two of you played off of each other rather well. Kudos. This is another category that suffered due to the brevity of the quest.

Setting ~ 6/10 - A strong point. For both of you. Its summer time right now where I live, and nothing is better than the breeze coming in through an open window after a hot day and at the risk of sounding all mushy, I absolutely love it. I do not, however, like the smell of cooked ham, Rhelin, but I'm not going to hold it against you. What I'm trying to say is smell and texture are very much underplayed parts of setting, and you both managed to incorporate them into your respective posts. I'll never eat breakfast in the Underwood barracks after reading this quest. Rhelin, I liked how you brought a larger scope of the people living in Underwood with your posts where it was lacking initially.

The bad news: physical descriptions of the world around you guys were at times, absent. Posts are as long or short as they need to be, but I recommend both of you adding another good, fat paragraph of what your respective characters see and feel from place to place. Signs. Descriptions of people. Wagons in the street. The color of the flowers you were smelling. What did your standard issue swords look like? Were they beat up from repeated use? What did the little girl Rhiannon met in the alley -look- like? Know what I mean, jelly-bean?

Total ~ 13/30

Characterisation

Continuity ~ 4/10 - Underwood is a great place, and a lot of people have their first interactions and quests stemming from that city. I think one of an Althanian writer's biggest fears is stepping on toes when it comes to using pre-existing locations in their quests, but guys, you're level zero. Underwood is YOUR place! Play with it! Make it do tricks. Really make it your own. That is what you will have to do to earn a higher score in this category in the future. Don't be afraid to leave foot-prints on Althanas. Burn down a building kids! Have fun!

Hmmm... What else... OH! Rhiannon, you get a point just for mentioning that other places in the world have lent good soldiers to the war effort. That's a very logical reason why a character might get signed on to the town watch. Good job. The continuity as it pertained to your story... Well... Once again, it ended a little bit too abruptly to say, but your characters were pretty consistent from start to finish. *shrugs*

Interaction ~ 6/10 - I scored this a little higher than I normally would have, because to be brutally honest, it was really the only part of "On Duty" that stood out. Rhiannon met Rhelin, and the two of you interacted. At first you didn't like each other, and by the end, you did. Meat and potatoes. Officer Roland served as a bit of a crutch and disappeared entirely by the end of the thread, but I noticed that the two of you were more comfortable interacting with each other by the end, so I suppose he wasn't really needed anymore. If I were Rhiannon, and I'm not, but if I was, I would have been seeeeriously offended by the comments of the guards in the hall. "I'd ravage that ass"? Jeez. If I were half as badass as you, I would have shown them what's what. Stun-gun to the crotch and I bid you goodnight.

Not much else to say. Interaction doesn't stop at character to character. Interact with surfaces, objects, weapons, animals, and ambiance. You had the right idea with your breakfast being too hot to eat, but keep going.

Character ~ 4/10 - I'm going to single out Rhelin here because of one word: Depth. You have a rough past, you've suffered through being mistaken as a slave (a huge offence to you), and your profession isn't altogether savory, but you're a nice guy too. Its those levels of depth that score high in the character section. My advice to this: run with it. There are sooo many literary devices at your disposal to slip in a bit of background info about your character. Be a bit more daring. Have a flashback or something. I fully expect you to score at least two points higher in your next quest in this category. You have the potential and the foundation to do so.

Rhiannon, yes you're alien. Yes you're a hot blonde. And yes, you were part of a military organization. But I could get a pretty good sense of most of that by looking at your sidebar. Are you a tom boy? A girly girl? Was it maternal instinct that caused you to sympathize with the lost little girl? Is it difficult to be taken seriously as a female warrior, on Althanas or back on Earth? I chose questions of gender as an example because you made a lot of cliche references. Men are all the same. Guys checked out your ass. If you're going to explore gender as a stand-alone aspect of your character, go a little deeper. That is all.

Total ~ 14/30

Writing Style

Creativity ~ 3/10 - Not much out of the ordinary here, but its good to start with a strong foundation of the basics. Rhelin, you used a slightly advanced diction to your advantage. The voice of the Akuna was portrayed with bold lettering, which really gave me a sense of him being bigger and badder than you. Those are good starts, but as I said, its the basics. Rather than explain to you how to be more creative (I would personally find that insulting), I'm just going to reference the point I made before the judging. Check out those judges choice threads. Read them. If you have a favorite author, try and pin-point what they've done to stand out among so many others. Creativity can be (but isn't limited to) your ideas for quests, how events unfold, how your characters react to a given situation, your own personal writing styles, and literary techniques/artforms (such as poetry, monologues, and flashbacks). Scores in this category can only be improved with practice, so please don't be discouraged.

Mechanics ~ 5/10 - Acceptable. Rhelin, I know that you don't use a spellcheck function. I can tell. Typos and silly mistakes like l etters no t be ing con nected are easily avoidable with a simple proofread. Its a shame because you seem to have an almost advanced grasp of the English language. Really a pity. Rhiannon, a few spelling mistakes here and there. One thing that I'm guilty of myself is throwing down a comma when it should really be a period and a new sentence. They weren't necessarily run on sentences, but it looked like there were times when you tried to hybrid two separate thoughts with a comma to make it a little longer. Short sentences might seem choppy at times, but you'll score higher in the mechanics section. Not bad though. Not bad.

Clarity ~ 7/10 - I'm really pumped to be able to give you guys a high score BUT, it comes with an asterisk. Short posts and threads are easy to make clear and easy to read. You both wrote very clearly, due greatly in part to the fact that posts were short and sweet, as was the thread over all. Rhiannon went here. Rhelin sat there. She felt this. He did this. You get your high score here, but honestly, I would have rather given you a three because there was too much information to puzzle out. Again, I'm not going to say that length makes it better (that's what she said) but you're both talented enough to deliver more.

Total ~ 15/30

Wildcard: 5/10

Total ~ 47/100

Spoils!

For keeping the graineries and lumberyards of Underwood safe for another day, you are each awarded 100 pieces of gold for your efforts (in addition to gold for quest completion). Rhiannon, Officer Roland would like to offer you a little something extra as his way of saying "sorry you got beat up by a demon on your first day."

In addition, feel free to keep your soldiering gear if you so desire.

Rhiannon gains 225 gold, an iron longsword, an iron suit of chainmail, and an iron helm.

Rhelin gains 190 gold, an iron longsword, an iron suit of chainmail, and an iron helm.

Rhiannon gains 700 XP and Rhelin gains 330 XP

[Letho]

EXP/GP added (several days ago, actually, just archiving this now)