One on One the way it was ment to be - Workshop

[Yari Rafanas]

This is the Writer's workshop for the thread, 'One on One the way it was ment to be' written by Symbiosis and Abraxos

The thread is here.

Please take a few moments to read this battle between these characters and share your thoughts! Remember that there are rewards to those who assist in giving some good feedback for these players.

The judge for this thread will be assigned after the players feel they have received enough feedback.

[Symbiosis]

Considering nobody has commented on this thread in three days I'll request to leave it open until Thursday night and then just submit it for judging.

[Symbiosis]

I think I got the feedback I need to submit this for judging. Let's go ahead and close shop on this and move to judgment please.

[Sheex]

Is this late? I can't help but feel like this is late for some reason. Like, if I was in school, and the teacher told me to turn in my paper a half a month after it was due. Well, it's here now, if that means anything.

I can sum this thread up in one word. Venom. No, not the poison, but the Spider-man character. You know, that black thing that has a habit of leeching onto a person, granting them powers along with a few hints of insanity. That guy.

Okay, so I lied. Me saying Venom actually doesn't sum up the thread at all, but it does lead me to my number one complaint about this thread. See, the human mind likes to fill in the blanks. That's why if asked for say, the appearance of a killer, I might say he had a black shirt even if I don‘t remember at all. It‘s not so much a lie as just being plain wrong, but the point is a person will often try to fill in the gaps. If I fill in Symbiosis's character with Venom because I really don't have anything to work off of, that probably means I want more detail. And I really wanted more detail.

I'll start with what I feel as the most important thing (and that's a personal opinion by the way) in any story. Character. More description, more feeling, more bad-assery...maybe a little less bad-assery on Abraxos part. What I mean to say is, Abraxos was in control of the fight for pretty much the entire thread. For me, this really wasn't much of a fight, it was more of a beat-on-enemy-repeatedly-ha-ha-ha-you-can't-touch-me sort of read. And you know, that isn't necessarily wrong. Sometimes you're just out-classed. In fact, I bet if I leafed through previous battles of Althanas, a good number of battles would be-well pass one sided. Especially with a lower level going against the high level guys.

But, here's the thing. For me, and I'm well aware that this is my own opinion, one sided fights are about the most boring thing in the world. Watching a low-level who can cast one spell tops get tossed around by a guy who moves five times faster than a normal human, and has a whole book of spells along with a mystical shield of death, just isn't fun. It might be accurate, but it doesn't make a good read.

That's my big beef here. You're both the same level, so I have trouble believing the fight would have gone this way, but again that's my opinion. Really, what I'm trying to say is the fact that even if you smash your foe for ten out of ten posts, you really should give more detail. Abraxos in particular.

If you're going to run across the floor of a cavern at "inhuman speeds" then tell us about it. Tell me how you nimbly leapt pass a jagged rock, how you gracefully ducked under a piece of the wall sticking a bit too far out. Tell me about the wonderful sensation of moving faster than I ever will (for I am human), both via setting and character. Show the thrill you character feels as he darts across the terrain, the wonder of the god-like power you posses. Hell, be emo and tell me about how you curse this dark power if you like. Anything will do.

Symbiosis, your description was better, character-wise. I really did enjoy the banter between Baxter and Symbiote. Baxter's weakness, Symbiote's anger at said weakness, Baxter wussing out, Symbiote muttering that next time he's possessing an actual warrior. All good stuff. Actually, I do feel I got a good sense of your character (er, characters); all things that involved him were pretty good. Your attacks, though certainly not flashy (which I actually like), were described well, along with your character's actions. Just touch up on your setting. Stuff like the cavern's layout, dirt and grim, stuff like that needs work. Keep the good stuff like the saliva dripping from your extended teeth...

Again, I'm seeing Venom here. Could be that I'm just a big fan of comic books, but I don't think that's the case. I like Batman, not Spiderman.

What else it there? Ah, story. That's another of my "really important" categories. After all, what's a story without a story?

Ugh, I can't believe I made such a terrible pun! Anyways, I feel you both worked with what you had, but it definitely could have used a bit more fleshing out. Now, this isn't a epic quest to find one's lost brother, or a mystical journey for a holy weapon, etcetera. I am not expecting a deep, enriching story from a citadel battle. Not saying it doesn't happen, just saying I don't expect it. Still, story is important, and more detail here would have been nicer.

You did all right with your story Symbiosis. Nothing major, but it was clear why Baxter was there. Because Symbiote was disgusted with his weakness, and quite literally made him do it. Funny scene, by the way. Stop hitting yourself...ha...classic. I would have liked more, but you did get your point across in my opinion. Kudos, or some other form of generic congratulations if you like.

A little weaker Abraxos, but not by much. You're there to basically brush up on your skills, which of course is exactly what the citadel is for. Still, more is always better. Why are you there to brush up your skills is one avenue of enriching the story. Were you picked on as a kid? Trying to avenge a friend? Power hungry? Trying to impress a babe? I think that your first post would have really benefited from a bit of insight past; why does he wants to fight anyway? This will not only add to the story, but also paint a better picture of your character.

As far as the fight itself goes, I kinda feel like I already went into that already; kind of boring watching Abraxos beat Symbiosis at every turn. Really, it wouldn't have killed you Abraxos to take a good punch to the head, would it? Either way, as already stated, flesh it out. Blood, guts, urine (Baxter seems the type who would piss his pants). Describe the...

Actually, hold up. I'm busy chuckling at the sight of Venom's host pissing himself. Ha. Guess I did get a decent feel of Symbiosis's character, assuming that's what you were going for. And that damn well better have been what you were going, cause it's funny.

So, yeah, describe battle. 'Nuff said.

This little critic of mine is probably getting pretty long about now, but ya know, it's overdue. Gotta put in extra effort to make up for it, yeah?

Hmmm, what else? Oh, please use more commas. Well, don't just throw them out there, but there were quite a few missing. I'll give you a good rule of thumb that I often use, concerning commas and conjunctions. Whenever you use these words:

and, but, or

Ninety percent of the time, a comma goes in front of it. A simple thing, and it makes your sentences so very much easier to read. But hey, we all screw up on this. Seriously, I bet nine out of ten judgments include proper use of commas under mechanics. Or clarity. Whatever which one it goes under. Probably mechanics, now that I think about it, but I'm not deleting that previous sentence.

Oh, and one more thing. Conclusion-wise, you were good Abraxos. You did do a good job of wrapping up your story. Well done, very tough-guyish (yet still somewhat nice-guy). Thumbs up.

But, hey, I really was expecting one more post from you Symbiosis. In fact, I went back to make sure I didn't miss it. Baxter's out cold, but I was seriously expecting either a brooding Symbiote to reflect by himself for a little while. Or, you know, a bit of a "fast forward" to where Symbiote is yelling at Baxter for how much he sucks. Kind confused as to why that didn't happen; would have been nice.

Well, that's pretty much all I got. Hope it helps, and sorry it's so late. But this little workshop was still open, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to post it. Oh, I like to go out on something a bit random, so...

"You brute!" Baxter bellowed to their nameless shadow opponent. BAHAHAHA! Seriously, all I could see right there was a woman ineffectually pounding her hand against a man's chest. Something out of an old movie, or possibly the start of a porn. Either or. Definitely funny though.

As for you Abraxos...well, there's really only one thing I can think of every time I look at that avatar of yours.

But first sir I think, a shave!

[Letho]

Sheex gets 200 EXP. EXP added.