Semi-finals: Amen Vs. Amber Eyes

[Amen]

Marcus scanned the crowd as they applauded, and set his face as if stone. This was and had always been more than a test of two individuals’ ability to cause harm: it was a social balancing act and a popularity contest. In pressing his assault, the templar gave ground in the greater game. But in keeping his bloodlust in check he put his health at risk and, ultimately, gave up his social ground anyway. He had come into this farce handicapped, and he wanted to rage at the assembled throng for it. It would have been so satisfying to take his mace and his fists to their smiling faces, to send them scrambling to their hovels in fear.

And now she wanted him to yield.

Stone, he told himself. Be disciplined. Give away nothing. Breathe.

He took a steadying breath, and forced himself to consider it. There would be relief in it, to walk away and be done with these games. Emien would be disappointed in him, but perhaps then he could return to the life of a common mercenary. And hadn’t that been the goal when he came to Corone? He had wanted only to escape the unending call of duty and lose himself in a short life of thoughtless bloodshed and pain, and the arms of spiritless women. And yet here he was, thinking, beholden to another’s expectations, judged for the inner nature he struggled always to conceal.

The rage welled up in him, and he ground his teeth. His eyes, once glinting with vague and distant sparks, suddenly flared golden as if full of the sun. He grunted against the pain of it, and struggled to choke it down but the agonized growl rolled out of him anyway. And as the crowd watched, his wounds began to burn away. The wire-thin lines on the left side of his face and scalp scabbed over, and then the dried blood flaked away and left the skin beneath unmarred. The wound on his temple gave of a thin, black smoke and stank of burning flesh, and then the blood caked and stopped flowing. He tightened his pectorals and the wing-shaped muscles of his back, and stretched his arms as the hellfire burned away fatigue poisons and muscle tears.

In the end he was horrifyingly whole again. He rolled his right arm and then his left, and the pain and stiffness were gone. He rolled his head on his neck and the bones popped and cracked, but his range of motion was full. And when he stretched his legs, they did not ooze his life’s blood to slick the leather of his pants, and they did not fail him when he took his first step toward Kyla.

The crowd slowly stopped clapping, once again stunned into disbelief. The silence was a boon.

“The gods favor Marcus Book,” the templar said boldly. For the first time, the crowd realized he was not Coronian – his accent was molasses-thick and distinctly Salvic. If they needed any more reason to hate and distrust him, they had it now. Emien Harthworth began to sweat.

“But the people,” Marcus continued, raising his voice an octave, “the people favor Kyla Orlouge. Hard or soft, good or bad, I am a servant of the people. Radasanth, here is your hero.”

Book knelt in front of the mystic, and surrendered his mace to her. He did not bow his head in the traditional mien of surrender, but the act was unmistakable. Kyla seemed confused at first, and then suspicious, and when she reached for the mace her hand was hesitant and her eyes watched for a trick that didn’t come. She held the heavy weapon loose in her hand, and before she could say a word Marcus slid to his feet again and loomed close.

“Give Sei my regards,” he said evenly, close enough that she could feel his breath on her ear.

And then he was gone. He turned around as the crowd exploded into a satisfied roar of applause, whistles, and cheers, and as he reached the line of guardsmen they parted so that the assembled spectators could rush in and lift their hero to their shoulders.

The viceroy was waiting by the carriage, watching the crowd dispassionately. “I would have preferred that to be you,” he said as Marcus approached.

“The crowd is fickle,” Book grunted, turning to watch as the large Orlouge trapped his younger relative in a bear hug.

“You could have spun it when she blew the glass into their midst. It was not impossible to win.”

Marcus shrugged. “And yet some will say she was too dangerous, and I was trying to render her unconscious for the safety of the crowd. You presented me as the perfect soldier, Emien, and she has a hero’s surname and a young girl’s face. They want to trust appearances. I am never going to look like a hero, and I’m never going to be beloved. At best I can hope to be seen as a loyal guardian. Someone they can be glad is on their side, even if they don’t like the look of me.”

Harthworth chewed on that awhile, and then nodded slowly. “Like a dog of war,” he mused, “ugly and dangerous, but loyal.”

“Yes,” Marcus said stiffly, and then he crawled into the carriage without another word.

“Retrieve Mr. Book’s weapons and load them into the carriage,” the viceroy told the nearest guard. “We’re done here.”

[Duffy]

Amen vs. Amber Eyes Judgement

I have been reading this thread most of the day, and have to say to the both of you that it has been an absolute delight to read, read, and read again. I read a lot of the work posted on Althanas, and have been keeping up with your respective progress throughout the tournament. This promised so much and you both delivered. It was, as you'll see, a close battle, and not simply because that's how nice people do this rubric thing. If Amber's technique had been more daring, or if Amen's mechanics had slipped just slightly, the result would have been very different.

As ever, brief, fleeting commentary, though I made more extensive notes during the judging process. If you have any questions, you can freely message me through the usual channels at any point in time.

Amber is scored to the left, Amen to the right.

Story 7/8 –

What I like about the story you both weave is that it encompasses not only your character’s history, but one another’s history together. The references to the Cell, to the many Orlougne’s and to Marcus’ shady past really pull a normal, everyday tournament battle out of the limelight. When I offered to help judging, I did not expect to see such an exemplary tale – I would love to see it finished, or rather, to see it continued. How would Marcus and Kyla interact in the wider world, what tales would they write into history?

Amen utilised his own past more efficiently, and through a more developed story, back history and foreshadowing, he piped Amber to the post in this category. I’d like to see both of you make a more verbal show of your thoughts, because we need to hear the reasons they’re here in their own voice – beg, steal, scream and shout your own lives to the world.

Continuity 7/8 –

Amber: be careful not to rely too heavily on the Orlougne name, nor to use the NPCs as an excuse to fill in a missing part of Kyla’s story. Though you expertly wove personal continuity with Althanas continuity, and more importantly that of your journey through the cell thus far, there is more of the former than the latter. A balance between the two is essential to keep readers intrigued, people familiar with the Orlougne’s amused and people who are neither to keep reading.

Amen: Same advice, though a higher score due to the use of personal story to explain Marcus’ actions – why he yields, why he lessens his blows, why he lives, breathes, speaks. Continuity can be used to explain the here and now as much as the why, tomorrow and what could be, which you seem to grasp well.

Setting 6/6 –

Not particularly exciting from either of you, but enough to place us in the scene, describe it and give it enough soul and life to make an impact.

Creativity 6/7 –

As far as creativity goes, Amen drew on a wider range of literary techniques to bring his character’s pain to life that overwhelmed Kyla’s intricate array of NPC and crowd interaction.

Character 8/9 –

Amber: Outlandish character development, especially so in regards to how you portray Kyla coming into her own as a woman in a world of men. I would be careful however to not let your NPCs drown out the character of, well, your character. Steppenwolf’s lines and the stern military patriarchy Kyla is surrounded by could easily become a detractor from what is otherwise a very polished performance.

Amen: I get the impression that Marcus Book is a grubby, hardworking, rather attractive sort of Victorian brigand. The sort of man Mr Darcy secretly wants to be, when a suitor isn’t looking. He oozes through the screen, each and every stoic utterance and rock of the carriage brings him to life. In this particular thread, it is your own, exemplary, shining strength. I have nothing negative to comment on.

Interaction 7/7 –

Amber & Amen: great interaction and great dialogue. Less elision, more particulars in the way each character speaks and more fluidic responses between characters would heighten your score.

Strategy 6/7 –

Despite Kyla’s best efforts to best Marcus, he played her for the fool and came out of the situation the better for it. Letting a woman win by only letting her think she’s won is a very subtle offense.

Mechanics 9/9 –

Outstanding performance here, though I expected nothing less. A few minor detractions in sentence structure and one or two awkward phrases prevented either score being the full ten. The tightness of your work shows you’ve but effort into ensuring you don’t make any careless mistakes.

Clarity 7/6 –

Amber: the sheer amount of NPCs you work with would usually indicate that clarity is going to take a hit. Quite to the contrary, here, you’re trimmed writing and competent grasp of who your characters are and suitable indicators of who is speaking and to whom really make your writing flow.

Amen: there is a stern juxtaposition between recollection, dialogue, inner voice and Marcus’ moods which made it difficult to interpret at times. This is best highlighted in post number nine; the action’s impact was lost between supposition, thought and actual movement. Be careful not to get carried away with your repertoire of techniques, I feel somewhat hypocritical saying this, but less is always more. Post eleven contains some foggy lines, fifth paragraph, first two lines.

Wildcard 7/5 –

Amber: the Witch King’s ironic death in Lord of the Rings…if you’re not familiar with it, looks it up. Your finale post reminded me of Eowyn and the little Hobbit’s triumph, a nostril flaring wild ride into a surprise violent streak in someone I had previously expected to be a meek, sensitive girl. A very enjoyable read, I look forward to seeing you continue to grow – you have come a long, long way since the first thread or two of yours I judged over a year ago.

Amen: I love the non-chalant personality Marcus has. It’s almost as if he cares, but because he feels people expect him to, as opposed to because he actually does. The knightly exit with his servants collecting his particulars and the foreshadowing and hints that despite his fame, fortune and providence, Mr Book is in fact a pawn work wonders. Unfortunately, deadlines were missed, so the rules of the Serenti afford me the gruesome task of a suitable deduction from the wildcard.

Total 70/72

Amen emerges victorious, and proceeds through to the next round.

XP pending calculation.

[Atzar]

Amen gains 2400 EXP and 100 GP!
Amber Eyes gains 600 EXP and 100 GP!

EXP/GP added!