The Bitter King

[Rayse Valentino]

"Agh!" Rayse yelled out, flipping over on his side. Pure red filled his vision, and he felt the stairs under his body. A dream...? He got up, shaking his head and feeling for the wall on his left side.

He remembered vividly what happened, the details still sending shivers down his spine. This world sought to make him part of it, but he refused to give in. He brushed himself off and continued the climb, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread from the nightmare.

It took hours to shake off his skittishness, but soon he could see more clearly in the mist. At first it was just his hands a few inches from his face, but soon he could make out the wall, the stairs, and the edge of the ledge. Going further, his vision was no different than when he had the goggles on, and out into The Nameless City he could see only an ocean of mist. He looked up and was almost glad to see the Red Maelstrom, its center like a great eye that watched him. Soon enough he saw what looked like the top of the wall, the end of the staircase.

Yet, he could not feel any joy. He looked back at his progress, the staircase that grew into the mist, inviting him to come back in.

How... How could I possibly have second thoughts now?! I'm almost there, I just need to put in foot in front of the other a few more times, and... !

He fell to his knees, unable to suppress the dread he harbored for so long.

I've been lying to myself, saying over and over again in my mind... ever since they first used the word 'plane'. I knew, deep down I knew that I was in another world, but I still came here. I still climbed this stupid fucking staircase instead of going with William. That was my best chance! If I made it to the portal with him, that would've been the end of this! And yet... and yet... !

His body shivered, but a ghoul could shed no tears. He was now the furthest from his freedom, the absolute edge of this world's explorable setting. All that awaited him now...

Rayse got up slowly and started climbing again, his eyelids halfway closed. There was nothing more he could do but reach the end.

The top of the wall was similar to the city of ghouls in its smoothness, but there was nothing here except a flat plateau in all directions. He pulled the gloves out of his pockets, the ones with angel wings stitched onto them. One of the few things he remembered was the purpose of these gloves. When worn, they caused actual wings to sprout from the wearer's shoulders, allowing flight. Even if he didn't get his powers back from stepping off the wall, the wings would carry him.

"Hmm?" he said, looking beyond the edge of the wall. It was a couple hundred meters across, but he could see something significantly different beyond it. As he got closer, he noticed the familiar sea of mist, but there was something more slightly beneath the surface. Everywhere he looked, strange white vines were twisting through the mist, as if there was a jungle on the other side.

He was halfway to the edge now, and each step felt more taxing than the last. It was not the strain on his body that gave him pause, but the nauseating sense of recognition and familiarity, the words at the tip of his tongue, the thoughts just barely out of his mind's reach. He pushed through this sickening feeling, moving straight to the edge and putting the gloves on. As he looked down on his gloves, he saw something beyond them. His body froze, and in that moment he became a statue.

Below him was... a skull. A skull so large that it completely filled his field of vision, despite it looking like it was halfway down the wall. The rest of its body followed, its bony arms gripping the wall, puncturing the stone. Several hours passed in each moment, Rayse's eyes meeting with the empty sockets of the skull.

And then, an indescribable sense of dread overtook him. A shock that didn't let up, a horror that persisted. The fear compounded, getting worse and worse, growing beyond the limits of what he thought fear was. The air grew heavy around him, and he could see The Bitter King's form grow into the mist, its bones twisting and turning to form the 'white vines' that Rayse thought he saw earlier. It was as if the rest of this plane was composed entirely of this being.

The familiar sensation assaulted his memories. I... I've felt this before... right before...

--

"This is the place?"

Rayse stepped into the crater, noting the smoothness of the rock beneath him. Just beyond the crater, all the usual signs of life were evident; Trees, grass, moss, and bushes. It was as if a mountain-sized giant scooped up the land before him. He wasn't sure how much he bought the story of an entire town disappearing thousands of years ago, but there was definitely something unnatural about this crater. He took another drag off his cigarette, blowing the smoke into the wind.

"My ancestors lived here for generations," said a man next to Rayse. "And then one day they were gone, their fates tied to the new plane they were in." The man wore a simple brown tunic, and sported large white angel wings.

Rayse had been told about this phenomenon of keys and portals, and while he was no stranger to teleportation via magic or science, he wasn't sure about the idea that it could happen without any outside stimulus, that there simply existed portals in the world, waiting for someone to bring the right key to them.

"Why now?" Rayse asked. "You said this happened thousands of years ago."

The reason for this winged man's visit was because his town in the other plane was under attack by its native inhabitants, and apparently this was a recent event. It was explained that it took this long to even find a portal that brought the winged man from there to here, but there was still a missing element to the story.

"The reason... is right here before you." The winged man glanced over to his wings. "The native inhabitants are all winged beings, but we were not. However, recently we began to adapt, and this development threatens our overlords."

"And if I help you, I'll get more artifacts like the one Pierce showed me?"

"Correct. In our realm, they are merely traded and passed down amongst our people. I imagine they would be worth a lot on your world."

Smoke escaped Rayse's lips as he took another drag and walked further into the crater. He certainly wasn't adverse to a little thrill.

"You never figured out what the key was, which is why you need me to go to this intermediate plane which has a known portal to yours?"

"Correct," replied the winged man, who stayed near the edge of the crater. "This spot is a planar host so to speak, so it is home to a lot of different portals, which is why it's also the location for the entry to the intermediate plane."

All I have to do is beat up a bunch of winged freaks and then I'll get artifacts that rival the ones the Thaynes left behind, eh?

Rayse took the spent cigarette out of his mouth and flicked it. He was done thinking about this.

"Sorry, but I'm going to have to decline. I'm nobody's hero."

"That's too bad," said the winged man, which made Rayse look up because the voice came from far above him. The winged man was floating in the sky, his wings flapping to keep him airborne. "I never needed your consent in the first place."

"What?!" Rayse yelled, before realizing what was going on. "W-Wait!"

It was too late. The winged man knew the key, and Rayse was standing right on the portal.



--

The last vestige of hope turned to despair, the idea that he came here with a plan, that if he simply restored his memories then he would be saved.

All that was left was the cold glare of The Bitter King.

[Rayse Valentino]

End of Part 1.

Okay, I think this is finally complete.

Requested Spoils:
Ability - The All-Tongue: Rayse's speech now sounds like the listener's native tongue and accent, which means he now speaks all languages. Also, he now hears all speech in his native language, which means he now understands all languages. He can't turn this off. This doesn't apply to anything written down.

Revenant can have this ability too.

[Otto]

Plot: 26/30

Storytelling: 8/10

Superb, by a few counts. Some notable aspects are that a) you were both able to take high-level characters and come up with a great scenario to test and challenge them, b) you used other sections of the rubric to maximise the quality of your storytelling (namely setting and pacing), c) you set things up, like mention of the beast from the lower city which had made its way up, and made sure they paid off, and d) you spun it out bit by bit, always giving something away - but never too much - and there was always something relevant going on. You didn't waste words.

So how might you improve it? Well, there were a few things which detracted from the score. The mugging scene in post six was a little B-movie-esque. As was the boss fight with the black-bone servitor - not the actual fight itself, which was very well done, but the use of that old premise of challenging the chieftain for leadership. Considering how you had built up the Black Bones as mindless, crazed beasts, it just didn't quite click. Finally, it seemed like you were running out of steam towards the end, as though you, the writers, just wanted to get it finished with. But I'll admit that certainly changed in the final couple of posts - fantastic cliffhanger there.

Setting: 10/10

Perhaps one of the best uses of setting I've ever read here on Althanas. It defined everything about the story - character impressions, history, politics and intrigue, story events, possibilities. And it was all so well imagined, and vividly described. I really don't know what you could do to improve this.

Pacing: 8/10

I briefly mentioned how you reeled out the story bit by bit, giving the reader enough to satisfy them while always setting up more things to explore. Pacing was a huge part of this, and you both used it fantastically to this effect.

I'll just repeat what I also said about the last few posts: up towards the end, they seemed to lack the same care and attention to detail as the earlier ones. I know the characters themselves were in a hurry, but it seemed more like it was the writers who were in a rush.


Character: 25/30

Communication: 8/10

Revenant portrayed the grizzled survivor wonderfully, Rayse, the acclimating rookie just as well. Revenant seemed moulded by his experiences, possessed of a healthy dose of distrust and selfishness, but without overdoing it, and made their pairing quite credible. The expressions and inflections of the characters were also crucial in constructing setting.

The worst problem you had was simply grammatical; because of the fairly frequent spelling mistake or misplaced bit of punctuation, a fair bit of dialogue was marred by the constant nagging of these details. Apart from that and a dash of cheesy dialogue in the mugging scene, this section was solid.

Action: 9/10

This ties in with communication in that the characters' stances, movement, posture, and so on, really helped set up a scene (such as whenever Revenant suddenly pauses - what's he seen? Is it dangerous? The reader can guess as much, but keeping it hidden from them to begin with passes on that sensation of unseen danger). And the combat was certainly credible: there's Rayse, bereft of his powers and overwhelmed by Deckard's men, and while Revenant is demonstrably more capable in a straight-up fight, even he is outmatched by many of the plane's denizens.

Persona: 8/10

You provide a good look into the heads of individual characters through the methods mentioned in communication and action, certainly, but also through narrative aspects. I particularly liked how, for all the exposition throughout the thread, there's a strong sense that it's all occurring inside Rayse/Revenant's head (it's based on their perceptions), and that we're in there with them. Furthermore, you really build up the persona of the factions, such as those of the Order of the White Fire and the simple autonomy of the servitors, the blood-thirst and bitter back-and-forth between street gangs, and the way the Black Bones have been so profoundly stripped of their humanity, as they have their flesh. If you had just expanded on the Ghoul Queen a bit more (who had been so built up since the beginning of the thread, but whose appearance at the end was almost underwhelming given the hype), and perhaps the liches, and this would have been a 9.


Prose: 23/30

Mechanics: 7/10

Certainly your weakest area. Rayse, you were mostly fine here. Some recurring mistakes/issues included clumsy repetition (the word 'annoyance' in post 12, 'memory' in 15, 'here' in 22), and word choice ("yellowish-red" to describe a colour - what's wrong with orange? - as well as "The bleak rust-red light cast over the city, though bright enough to see through", when you see by the light, not through it, and a few incorrect participles). Other errors were infrequent or obvious enough to suggest that you simply let some mistakes slip through, and some revision and editing would be enough to weed them out.

Revenant, perhaps the biggest issue for you regards that little pest, the common comma. I was guaranteed at least one missing comma from each post, usually more. They are required (usually) to mark conjunctions, parantheses, concluding and introductory elements, and a few more obscure conventions. It's a bit nitpicky, but it really does break flow and jar the reader out of immersion a little bit. Otherwise, do as I suggested to Rayse and review your posts for typos and poorly-constructed sentences, and you'll be golden.

Clarity: 8/10

Bonus points for having such an intricate plot, with so many questions arising even as they are answered, but without being overwhelming and letting the reader just go with the flow. Points were mainly deducted for poorly constructed (or nonsensical) sentences. These seemed to crop up a little more often in your posts, Revenant. Examples include:

• Post 6, where a sentence might be improved to read like: "While certain there were routes through the shifting maze of masonry and refuse, routes that were considered relatively stable, nothing in the labyrinth lasted forever", as the former arrangement suggested that the masonry and refuse themselves might be what was ‘considered stable’.
• Post 13, with "freeing the blade of William’s scythe but only rocking the creature back an inch before drawing its attention whipping around at the offender" - should probably separate the clauses out. Also, "Thick rolls of diseased putrescence curled out of the makeshift hole the thing had burrowed through the Warrens, spiny cilia uncurling along its length" - this means that the cilia are part of the hole that it burrowed - not the beast itself. Is that right?

Also, Rayse - I had considerable trouble with your choice of phrase, "So you got the wrong guy." This heavily implies that the priests had intended to carry a specific person other than Rayse into the inner sanctum (and that Rayse knew that), not that they had, by accident, picked up a ghoul instead of a Lost One. As there was nothing to suggest that Rayse 'knew' this (I'm referring to my first impression), I re-read it and the preceeding story a few times before I suspected a different meaning. A bit subjective, I know, but there you go.

Technique: 8/10

There's that red glow of the maelstrom, a constant reminder of the Writhing God's crimson gaze. And the way that city life outside the Order is as decayed as its constituents, which mirrors the sense of impending doom as the walls are slowly reclaimed. And the constant stream of strange species and even buildings unites all things in death. Rayse's flash backs, too, were streamlined into the posts smoothly with the use of certain triggers. And your language, and the resulting story, was certainly coloured by a decent grasp of metaphor and simile. But you did write "shattered like an explosion", so there's that.


Wildcard: 9/10
I was seriously impressed with how much life you guys were able to breathe into this story, and how well everything functioned together to work as a whole.


Total: 83/100

Rayse Valentino receives 5360 experience and 550 gold.

Revenant receives 2200 experience and 225 gold.

This thread will be nominated for a Judge's Choice. As the requested spoils are an ability, this will probably need a character update to be submitted for the RoG staff to approve.

[Lye]

Current EXP & GP Added!

Pending additional for possible Judge's Choice Award.

[Lye]

Judges Choice has been awarded!

Congratulations!

((Sorry for the late promotion to the JC Archive))