Darkness on the Horizon Judgement
Featuring Herald of the Tempest and Herald of the Storm
For creatures meant to be so whole fully…soulless, your characters actually have a remarkable soul to them (given their source material, the irony amused me greatly). All in all, this was a strong debut for these characters, with a good groundwork and a strong, concrete and most importantly clear development of your tale. You fell short on setting due to an overzealous need to describe action, voice, sound, but showed no develop of the other senses. There was all in all a weak descriptive element to the thread.Plot Construction ~ 17/30
Story ~6 /10 -
Strategy ~ 6 /10 -
Setting ~ 5 /10 -
Characterisation ~ 21/30
Continuity ~ 6 /10 -
Interaction ~ 8 /10 -
Character ~ 7 /10 -
Writing Style ~ 19/30
Creativity ~ 6 /10 -
Mechanics ~6 /10 -
Clarity ~ 7 /10 -
Wildcard: 6/10
Total ~63/100
I would like, perhaps, to see more of the character’s origins foreshadowed in the way they work, the way they move, the way they talk. There is reverence of the goddess Suravani, but no hint of a darker force lying beneath the surface. Mechanically speaking, be careful with run on sentences or heavy use of lifting during action sequences. It quickly became easy to lose yourself in the hammer blow fall (particular reference to post eight, paragraph six. You misspelt Irrakam once or twice too, sacrilege to the il’Jhain and the Harpies I tell you, sacrilege!
If I were to offer two pieces of advice to take into your next project (which I note is already submitted, so the project after that) it would be these. Firstly, take your strong characterisation and implant that interaction into a more vibrant setting. There is a wealth of flora and fauna and geographical information to be found here. I’m not saying you should steep yourself in the lore, but peppering a post here or there with a few choice and relevant selections will improve on setting and continuity in turn.
All in all, this was a pleasant, intriguing and flavoursome introduction to the Heralds.
Spoils:
Herald of the Storm gains 252 xp and 100 gold.
Herald of the Tempest gains 315 xp and 100 gold.
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