AC: Round 1 - Group 4

[Hysteria]

Talen fired his pistol again as Mordelain ordered. The youth could only watch as the feisty warrior did her best to take out one of the creatures. The final thrust of her weapons and the last kick of the beast signalled the end of the woman’s adventure. The beasts reacted as Hsa had predicted. As soon as the first of their number fell the others retreated. The one partially covered by Talen’s cage turned its horns to the ground and very quickly disappeared. Talen struggled to keep his balance and rolled off the cage and onto the shredded jungle floor.

The broken plants caught Talen with minimal force. The youth didn’t bother to get up straight away. From his spot he could see the wounded giant beast disappear into the strange ball Hsa had produced. The youth narrowed his eyes as he realised the boy must have done the same to the two other creatures he had with him. If the creatures he caught somehow became loyal after being taken by the ball, then Hsa commanded some powerful magic indeed. Magic that Talen might need to get rid of.

As Talen lay there the gauntlets disappeared. The youth sat up slowly and looked at Hsa, then to the latest loss of their team. Talen stood up and brushed off the leaves that clung to his cloths.

“Well then I guess twinkle toes is the second one to kick the bucket. Should we find out what is at the centre of this island?” Talen turned from Hsa and looked inland. With a sort of distain that only he could have pulled off, he started walking.

[Chibimon Blue]

It would have been easier to just have told Hsa that there were prospective new Chibimon up ahead, for the boy took off like a flash, all three of his chibiballs in his hand as he sped through the jungle now. He would occasionally have to avoid the sporadic hole or two dug up by a Rhinosaurus, but for the most part, the rest of the journey to the center of the island was uneventful.

That was when Hsa saw, with wide eyes, the ultimate destination of the group. They had strived so hard to get here, lost two of their team in the process, but they had finally arrived. White painted walls with the symbol of a chibiball painted above a red door. A red headed woman in a doctor’s coat and a surgical mask greeted people at the entryway. He could hear all sorts of conversations, human and Chibimon alike, from inside the establishment. They had made it to a Chibimon Center.

“Welcome,” the lady in the surgical mask greeted the two travelers, “to the Dandelion Island Chibimon Center! My name is Dr. Yoj.” She bowed, her brown eyes holding with them a kindness unlike anyone Hsa had encountered (at least since the last time he encountered a Dr. Yoj. It was surprisingly a common name, with an eerie resemblance attached). Hsa shook the nice ladies hand and ran into the center, the boy beaming with joy.

“No wonder this island looked so familiar to me!” Hsa exclaimed, though he was unsure if Talen was still following, “This is Dandelion Island! Home to the largest Chibimon Center and Trading Post! What a great guy Mr. Stern is for teleporting us here, huh Talen?” It didn’t even matter to Hsa that Talen was not a Chibimon trainer like himself; the youth thought everyone enjoyed the hobby of collecting and using the creatures to aid in their everyday lives.

“Hey kid,” Dr. Yoj walked through the door for a moment, “I forgot to give you your complimentary map!” The strange doctor handed a parchment to both Hsa and Talen, each of them viewing the object with a curious outlook. “It’s from Kenneth Stern to celebrate the first day of the Adventurer’s Crown Tournament! Anyone who got here as part of a team got one!” Hsa smiled once again, a feeling of accomplishment welled up in the boy.

He was on the road to be the all time greatest, like no one was before….

((Hsa’s conclusion. Take us home, Hysteria!))

[Hysteria]

Talen slowed to a jog as the pair arrived at the centre of the island. What had been an adventure bathed in oddity now featured absurd-scented bubble-bath. The youth just shook his head in disbelief as they reached their goal, a giant Chibimon Centre. For something Talen had never heard of, there was growing evidence that he had severely missed out on a popular past-time, or occupation, Talen wasn’t quite sure what it was yet.

“This Hsa… is possibly the strangest day in my life. I have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on.” Talen looked around the building filled with chibimon and their masters, “It’s like someone is playing a joke on me.”

Talen ignored Hsa's confused look and took the map from Dr. Yoj. As the youth looked around he felt himself slowly come to terms with what was going on. The normal Talen crept back and he studied what he was seeing. The Chibiballs were everywhere, and Talen put together the information he knew. From watching Hsa it was clear that when the balls contained a creature they displayed a small red light. When they were empty they did not. Several trays of the balls sat near a large whirring machine, with most with the small light on. A man in a white coat swapped them in and out of the machine every time it beeped. To Talen’s delight not all the trays were full. It is easy to notice something missing in a full set, not so much when there were varying numbers. Talen turned back to Dr. Yoj.

“Do you know wh-“ he stopped

The room went black for a few second and there were stunned gasps. The lights flickered back on and everything seemed the same as it was.

“Stay calm everyone!” Said a woman with green hair and a blue uniform, “It is probably just the Rhinosaurus drilling close to the power station. I’ll check around and make sure Meat Missile are not behind this.”

Talen chuckled slightly. Meat Missile?

“Thanks Sargent Yennj” Said Dr. Yoj.

Talen vaguely wondered about the odd similarly of the names as he rested a hand over the two Chibiballs in his pocket. The youth liked how much a coating of shadow around a light simulated a blackout, and that people’s eyes always took a few seconds to adjust to sudden changes in lighting. Like most things, it was a game of speed.

“What were you going to say young man?” Asked Dr. Yoj.

“Oh yes, what is next?” Asked Talen.

“I’m sure you’ll find that out soon young man!” Dr. Joy laughed and Talen raised an eyebrow.

FIN!

[Revenant]

Round 1 closed for judgement.

Good luck!

[Revenant]

Plot: (16)

Storytelling (7) – I give you kudos for making this into a solid story when it had the potential to be nothing but a joke. You followed all the prompts in a unique way and, while your characters weren’t the most cooperative, the story flowed very well once it got going.

Setting (4) – This category really started lagging when the action started. Mordelain kept the greatest focus here but the thread still felt very lacking in this area. Keep your focus and add description to really bring life to the action points. Breathe in dust when the Rhinosaurus stomps, feel the spray of splinters and churned foliage as the Donphan crashes by. You don’t need to devote entire paragraphs in every post to the area surrounding you but dropping a little bit of description every now and then, especially non-visual description, can really bring a thread to life.

Pacing (5) – The thread had a bit of a slow patch between the character introductions and the point where the story’s flow really got going. To improve this score, really focus on starting events and moving them forward right from the beginning.

Character: (16)

Communication (5) – Hoytti, in post 6 you used the acronym ASAP, a colloquialism which is common to us but seems out of place for your character. In general, you should write out terms like ‘as soon as possible,’ it doesn’t take that much longer and doesn’t pull the reader out of the story’s flow nearly as much. Chibimon Blue, your use of “He was going to be the very best, like no one ever was, after all!” in post 9 gave much the same effect as hoytti’s ASAP. Who is this line intended for? It’s use in your last post was well timed and appropriate, but here it is just jarring.

Action (5) –Talen’s stalking away, his sneaky fire breathing, and his decision to attack his own Rhinosaurus really highlighted his loner, rebellious nature. Rather than being too joke-like, Chibimon really brought the thread together, Mordelain, your “walking between worlds” gave a good feel for your character and added a lot of life. One issue here, if Morelain has been trekking for hours and hours in her own mind, I would expect more of an effect on her constitution from it. Hoytti, your actions didn’t really bring your character to life. Your ability to stop the Donphan cold and wrestle it to the ground without effort really broke the flow of this thread.

Persona (6) – The character’s personalities, in general, were what drove this thread. Chibimon and Mordelain really brought their characters fully into the thread in an unobtrusive way. Talen, your character felt a little skewed, as if you hadn’t quite settled into him rough, loner personality yet. Hoytti, here again you didn’t give too much about your character’s personality and only the most basic reactions. Work on putting your character’s character into your threads.

Prose: (15)

Mechanics (3) – There were quite a few errors in this thread that could have been solved with a spell check. While spell check isn’t the be-all-end-all of fixing errors, it’s the most basic way to solve these issues. Don’t feel bad to request that your partners review their posts, especially in a cooperative tournament.

Clarity (6) – There appeared to be some confusion between posts and character actions in a couple of places which, while not thread derailing, made for a bumpy read. Hoytti again, focus on ensuring that your writing is clear and adds to the overall thread. I want to see more posts like 17 and 21 from you.

Technique (6) – The lighthearted, almost joking tone of the thread worked well with the seriousness that you all treated it with. Here, Talen excelled, as the tone really clashed with his character’s persona and he added a lot of levity with his confusion.

Wildcard: (5)

Total: 52

Hysteria receives 910 exp and 105 gp.
Mordelain receives 501 exp and 75 gp.
hoytti receives 455 exp and 75 gp.
Chibimon Blue receives 572 exp and 85 gp.

[Silence Sei]

GP-EXP added.

Mordelain leveled up!