AC: Round 1 - Group 7

[TheOnlyGhost]

Alicia chipped in to help while making tents for her only remaining teammate.

"I have no need for shelter or have no worries when it deals with temperature, therefore you should get your sleep while I stand guard. We should leave soon though, we don't want to be in this harsh weather for long. Know what I mean?"

The avalanche was slowly moving downhill from gravity, but she estimated they had at least 12 hours before it was near them ... plenty of time to rest and ready themselves for the next day.

[Harbinger]

Rak poked the last of the firewood as it crackled away. The small shelter he and Alicia had made could just fit two people inside its quite creepy walls. The warrior had spent a lot of time traveling the world, and to use the wolves like bricks and snow like mortar was genius. The resulting layered effect of ice and fur perhaps wouldn’t win any design awards, but it was functional. The small fire had been placed on a large rock and worked quite well to keep some of the chill out of the air. To cap off the design, Tracy’s jacket hung over the entrance to finalise the wind break.

Rak threw the last stick upon the fire and rested against the back wall. The warrior and Alicia had finished talking some time ago, and with the last of the firewood gone there was little else to do but to sleep. As Rak drifted off to sleep he felt a slight tinge of fear. Am I really going to sleep next to a ghost? he thought.

Dreamless sleep flittered about, occasionally broken by a vivid image of a wolf. The few hours remaining in the night drifted past before the voice of Alicia broke through the veil of sleep and Rak awoke. The first rays of light filtered in between the small gaps around Tracy’s jacket. Rak instantly felt cold and forced himself to start moving. Quickly he packed his belongings, grabbed Tracy’s Jacket and stepped out into the morning sunlight.

“Well my friend. Shall we see what is in the middle of this island?” Rak briefly turned his eyes to Alicia.

[TheOnlyGhost]

Before Alicia could respond, the world they were set in started to crumble around them.

"We are out of time I'm afraid."

The imagery around the now duo crumbled faster and faster until nothing but blackness was around them.

The blackness quickly faded, and returned to the tournament grounds where the master of the tournament looked at Alicias' team in disgust. "You didn't get very far, but you might get lucky and I MIGHT just spare you yet. You ran out of time, now get out of my sight. You disgust me."

[Revenant]

Round 1 closed for judgement.

Good luck!

[Revenant]

Plot: (8)

Storytelling (3) – This thread had the barest bones of a story, but it didn’t seem like you had any sort of plan and were just waiting for someone to forward the plot and would all react to that. There wasn’t much in the way of ingenuity in the thread, and nothing was done to make this really stick out as fresh and unique.

Setting (3) – There was a mountain, some trees, snow, and sand. The only real description that came for any of these was that the snow was cold. Focus a bit more on the environment around your characters to increase this score.

Pacing (2) – There wasn’t much flow in between posts, each one jumping back and forth rather than moving smoothly from one into another. General Quintet, your post during the wolf encounter, well after your character’s death, really hurt the score here. It popped up out of nowhere, was used to alter the encounter, then never referenced again.

Character: (8)

Communication (3) – I got only the most basic understanding of your characters from the way they communicated. Most of the dialogue seemed overly formal, more writing than speaking. Try to picture your character’s conversations as natural conversations, speaking what they would actually say in the given situation. Above all, keep it consistent.

Action (3) – There were two points that really broke me out of the thread. The first was in post #21 when TheOnlyGhost mentions that the avalanche had 12 hours before it reached your group. That’s a slow moving avalanche. The second, and frankly the most jarring, was how Tracy got cut from a kick and then decided it was a crippling injury and allowed himself to be put to death. Quite the overreaction. Take some time to think about your who your characters are and remember that they’ve all lived a full life up to this point and then write them acting how a normal person with their capabilities would act in that situation.

Persona (2) – Your characters were all over the place in regards to their personalities. Alicia was helpful and eager to be on the team and then laughed it off when her comrades died, both rather horribly. Remember when bunnying people’s characters that it’s best to write them as they would act. Having someone strip naked in the snow and run to his death isn’t likely how that character would really respond. If someone is gone from a thread and you’re bunnying them, it’s okay to use them as an NPC, you don’t have to kill them right away for no reason. Harbinger, Rak seemed to have very little personality. You mention that he is disturbed greatly by his comrades’ deaths but then move on as if nothing was wrong.

Prose: (10)

Mechanics (3) – While there were numerous spelling and grammatical errors in the thread, of equal importance to hindering your score here was Caelan’s verb tense confusion. Improving this score would be as simple as proofreading your posts and making corrections.

Clarity (4) – Everything in this thread was pretty straightforward, but several areas, like Tracy’s euthanasia-requiring scratch, Caelin’s death, and Tracy’s sudden reappearance really hurt this area. Make sure that there is a clear line of thought in your posts, and that everything that happens makes sense in context.

Technique (3) – General Quintet, write out your numbers when they’re small (3 cm wide and about 1cm deep should be three centimeters and one centimeter respectively) and try to avoid hard measurements like that unless they’re required. Simply stating that there was a deep gash moves the flow of the thread along better, doesn’t pull the reader out of the story, and leaves the wound more to the imagination. Additionally, adding some depth to the thread will help you here.

Wildcard: (2)

Total: 28

General Quintet receives 175 exp and 28 gp.
Harbinger receives 280 exp and 45 gp.
TheOnlyGhost receives 280 exp and 45 gp.
Caelin Bolish receives 35 exp and 5 gp.

[Silence Sei]

EXP-GP added.