September Guided Quest B: All the Queen's Horses

[Elthas_Belthasar]

Elthas stood up when she spoke.

"There is no need for that, Elthas." She said carefully. "You have already aligned yourself to us in accepting to help me. You couldn't have possibly known what those horses were going to be used for. I am sorry for their loss, but it was necessary to keep me going until my objectives were met. Your friends weren't supposed to kill any guards either, but you handled your task with cleverness and a cool mind." The girl tapped her chin for a moment, and looked far away after that gesture. She appeared to be watching something. When she smirked, she turned back to acknowledge Elthas. "Okay. Elthas. We must start at the beginning as with all things." The girl walked over towards Elthas and shook his hand suddenly. "Names are such a bother, but I will tell you mine anyway." She paused for a moment as if considering another matter. "My name is Herratya." She folded her arms across her bosom. Her clothing was simple attire, a white dress that conformed to her shapely figure in a very complimenting way. She had long, blond hair, and her eyes were sky blue they had a glow of power to them.

Elthas saw that her hair danced about with the breeze. Elthas's own hair was green and was caressed by the wind as well. "First of all, I must say, I am impressed by your skill. And willingness to see through to new truths. Your people have educated you well and you are a credit to your race." She shifted her body stance so that she was balancing more on her left leg. Then she continued to speak. It seemed as if the elemental appeared slightly uncomfortable in her skin. Elthas listened closely to what she was saying. She is complimenting me. I did nothing that deserves such a simple thing as thanks, when the damned guards managed to follow me here. That likely means more are coming. Elthas was enchanted by the woman, and he clearly knew that such occurred. However, he didn't seem to mind it. She was a beautiful specimen after all. "We must move soon however, there will be more of those cretins upon us soon. Those Scara Braeans are not to be underestimated with their own skill level."

"I know." Elthas said carefully. "I don't know how I was followed here, but they seemed to be gifted trackers." Elthas stole a glance back the way he came from to assure himself that they were still alone. At their feet, the bodies of the fallen guards remained, but Elthas decided to loot one of them. "May I?" Elthas asked of her first, after all, they were all her kills.

"Proceed." The woman said in return and she watched him loot a single item.

Elthas was only interested in one item. That was the sword that the main guard possessed. He unlatched it from the guard's belt, and removed it, scabbard and all. He then, attached the small latch to his own belt, removed the lightweight longsword and gave it several quick spins. The longsword was heavier than Elthas was used to, but it was so lightweight he barely noticed it. He looked at the blade, it was some sort of a steel alloy. A significant boon. He rotated the weapon two more times, and then sheathed it anew. He looked at the girl for a moment longer. "Where do we go from here?" Elthas asked.

"To my people." She said. "I want you to meet my superior, he will better be able to instruct you in our ways than I ever could. But, I shall always be your guardian."

"I thank you my lady." Elthas said carefully. When she started to move, he followed and made sure they weren't being followed as well. Then, when he was certain, he continued behind her up the path. They were heading deep into Brokenthorn Forest. Elthas was familiar with the forest of Ruild, but not Brokenthorn, the energy that coursed between the trees appeared quite different than that of Ruild's life force. Elthas walked a few paces behind her and kept his eyes open for any of the wayward monsters of the forest. He hand never left the hilt of his newly acquired sword, he could have it enchanted later. I have to be careful how I proceed, these people are now my allies. And perhaps they have information on the bounty I am looking for. Maybe they can assist me in my capture of him, so I can claim the reward. Elthas thought to himself as he walked, keeping an eye on the woman ahead. His face was stern, his thoughts were calm, but one thing was certain.

He had made the choice.

FIN.

~Spoils Request~

1-Scara Brae Guard's Longsword. A steel alloy longsword, of AVERAGE quality. Looted from one of the guards killed by Elthas's companion. Comes with a scabbard and is worn at the waist. It is surprisingly light weight. May be enchanted down the road, and may be blacksmithed further. CAN be sold as it was a looted item.

[Skie and Avery]

Please no longer post in this thread, as I am submitting it for judgement.

black shadow

The two ninja battled through the forest, dancing ever farther from the castle as they dueled. Despite his injury, Black Shadow managed to hold his own. Eventually, floating over the trees, they heard the all clear announced for the castle. The girl grinned at the ninja and disappeared into the darkness. Her goal had been to capture or kill him if she could, but getting him away from the castle walls until the intruders he appeared to be working with were dealt with seemed good enough to her.

Spoils Request (Please remember that these are just requests and if you are or are not rewarded them is up to the moderator that judges this quest.)

Tourneymant and Elthas_Belthasar
Tourney, even though you didn't finish your story the same way as Elthas, you are both set up to continue the events of this quest in your own threads. Elthas, if one of your next threads continues where you left this off, and Tourneymant, if you do a thread in which the battle plays out and you continue to bring the elemental into your storyline, please include a link and note in the last post before you submit that thread to judgement that links back here to my final post. For continuing your storylines with events from the guided quest, you both will be eligible for a completion bonus of an extra +5% to your EXP gains of the continuation threads. This is of course dependent on the discretion of the judging moderator of that quest.

Tourneymant
In his left pocket, unknown as to it's origin but engraved with a strange sigil, a Boon of Honor. This can be traded in at the bazaar or in a thread and is worth 100 gold.

Elthas_Belthasar
Elthas loots an average quality steel alloy sword, worth 100 gold by current bazaar standards.

[Mordelain]

Thread Title: September Guided Quest
Judgement Type: Light Commentary
Participants: Elthas Balthasar, Black Shadow, Tourneymant

Plot ~ 12/30

Story ~ 6/10 – you each expanded upon the brief, and developed a fun, light-hearted, and appropriate tale. I always try to encourage light-hearted, humour driven writing, and to truly bring the story to life, you might try to connect title, brief, and tradition together. There was a lot of missed opportunity to work with horses, and all the foal play you could have with that!

Setting ~ 3/10 – concrete description, basic references, and in some cases, a complete lack of anything other than dialogue or internal thought left the otherwise verdant heart of Scara Brae an empty and barren place.

Pacing ~ 3/10 – it can be very disbarring for the reader when a player leaves, for however long, when it is not explained. Sometimes this can be accounted for, but there was no effort to do so, and that hurt pacing dramatically. To improve based on the thread as is, consider fluidic adaptation – this is where you each try to match the tone and pace of the previous post, ensuring that everything is delivered at an even keel to the reader. Even the simplest of visual tricks can augment a thread’s pacing; making each post roughly the same visual size, for example, even when there’s 100’s of words between them, can give your writing a better sense of unity. If in doubt, do not rush, and do not be afraid to expand on a scene. You can always redact it later; much easier than buffing a post after ten replies!

Character ~ 12/30

Communication ~ 3/10 – the low score here is reflected in mechanics. Formatting and incorrect structuring of dialogue, and little exchange between PC's shows a willing to work together, but not to reflect on that quite so strongly in character.

Action ~ 4/10 – swashbuckling, violence, and aggressive body language, all three give you a good base score. The disappearance of Shadow, and the shortened conflict with your set piece bad person prevented the good solid description from Elthas taking you into the 5/6 range. Remember, action is also about voice, the weather, the way people move in even the slightest way – dynamism is about motion, and when a scene moves, breathes, and feels, and then it can sometimes be more exhilarating than the greates of sword fights.

Persona ~ 5/10 – the quick-witted thief, the enigmatic brogue, and the hardwearing smith. I got essences of your characters, gentlemen, but you were so focussed on the prize, that you abandoned good opportunities to show me who you all are. Elthas, take it down a notch – the intensity is distracting, and consider less Earth anachronisms and turns of phrase. You are not human; give us an allure, an alien and otherworldly charm. Tourneymant, do not be afraid to put that aggression into facial expressions and make Barnabas live and breathe survival. I especially like his reaction to the flames in post 25, capitalise that, make him guttural, desperate, and yet kind-hearted.

Prose ~ 9/30

Mechanics ~ 2/10 – mechanical mistakes are always one of the most noticeable errors in a thread. They are also the easiest areas of the rubric to fix. To learn them, is to improve your writing, and to improve the length and breadth of the Rubric. Throughout all of your posts, there are consistent errors I would like to highlight for you:

Paragraph Formatting - simple rules, when a new speaker speaks, new paragraph. When a scene transition occurs, or when you feel it needs to be made clear a new point is being discussed; new paragraph (though this is harder to work out than the previous rule.

Dialogue Punctuation – this was the most profound area that requires attention. There were repeated instances of double punctuation (!, ending a speech), and repeats of formatting errors:

I am not giving in!” she said…(correct).

I am not giving in!” She said…(incorrect).

Tourneymant displays examples of this in post 5, Elthas in post 8, with over there!” She suddenly yelled , and black shadow in post 24 (the rule applies with internal thought, too).

Simple Errors: Black Shadow, through each post, you mistype words, forget to capitalise, and forego paragraphs and dialogue conventions. I suspect this is in part due to simple lack of proof reading, but errors such as these debilitate mechanics scores; take care in the future.

Continuity: Elthas, and Black Shadow, you both capitalise certain words in some posts, and do not in others. I assume personification when I see Mute Stone, but there is no need to capitalise ‘Evil’, and be careful when you refer to the others – names and only the narrator and the reader, until expressively revealed ‘in situ’ know titles.

Clarity~ 4/10 – I had little difficult following the events of the thread, but Tourneymant and Elthas, your attempts to lace action and dialogue with thick, metaphorical rhetoric caused me to re-read in posts 3, 17, and with the change in tense in post 25. The disappearance of Black Shadow in the middle of the thread, though covered well by your GM, caused a black hole in your action scene. There was no real attempt to either bunny (with prior approval), or describe the reasons for his absence in your boss encounter. You do not need to account for every nuance in a scene, but big transitions like that need to be capitalised on.

Technique ~ 3/10 – Elthas, you have a good grasp of who your character is, and which literary techniques to use to highlight personality, emotion, and action. I appreciated the methodology behind your writing, and can see there was effort to use advanced techniques. Black Shadow, short, quickly witted and brief posts are fine, and you understand about internal thought, but please work on mechanics before developing this further. Tourneymant, your description is eloquent, but, be careful with word order in your sentences; the big guard with the deep bass voice said. Readability, and technique, will improve with the simplest of restructuring;

Said the big guard with the deep bass voice.

Wildcard: 6/10 – despite significant mechanical errors, and the withdrawal, in part, of two of your party (due to personal issues, from what the OOC notes tell me), this was a spirited affair, that was in the traditional swashbuckling style. You work well together to draw on the brief, and I am encouraged to see people working under a GM’ guidance, despite their differences, in the traditional roleplaying style. Pay attention and iron out the kinks, and you will have all the King’s Horses, soon enough, as well!

---

I would be happy to develop on the points above, or provide more in depth examples based on those notes if requested. cydneyoliver@gmail.com, or my Mordelain inbox are both appropriate avenues to do.

If you have any concerns, doubts, and worries, and don’t wish to speak to me directly for whatever reason, then I am sure another member of staff will resolve the matter on your behalf. I am perfectly amenable and open to feedback, as the judge has to develop, as much as the writer put under the scrutiny of the rubric!

Total ~ 39/100

Experience, gold, and spoils to be awarded by your GM.

[Skie and Avery]

Tourneymant receives 500exp and 150gp
Elthas_Belthasar receives 500exp and 150gp
black shadow receives 156exp and 47gp


Spoils:
Tourneymant
In his left pocket, unknown as to it's origin but engraved with a strange sigil, a Boon of Honor. This can be traded in at the bazaar or in a thread and is worth 100 gold.

Elthas_Belthasar
Elthas loots an average quality steel alloy sword, worth 100 gold by current bazaar standards.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added.