-1 to Wildcard due to tournament posting rules.

Plot: (13)

Storytelling (5) – While Taste of Treason did everything she could to tell a story here, you Tounrymant did nothing to further it, nor did you do anything to help it. You simply dumped off a paragraph, adding little to virtually nothing to help out your teammate in this category, and the lack of substance you gave your posts hurt you both greatly. In the future, either PM to communicate, IM, flag them down in the chat room or whatever, but find a way to communicate so that you both write the story together, instead of resting on the laurels of one person to do it.

Setting (4) – Only treason put ANY effort into this category, and Tounry you should have learned to use more of your five senses by now. The need to rush out such small posts really hurts everywhere else in the rubric, and your inability to give me, the reader, any substance is what you should work on.

Pacing (4) – At times, very well done, at others, nothing. The feelings of rushing, then trying to slow it back down to tell the story made it a difficult proposition for a reader to digest. This is due to the post lengths of both of you. Treason, you had done around a page or so worth of writing in each post, and Tounry, you did like a paragraph, by definition. This led to the story jumping around ruining the scenes and the flow.

Character: (14)

Communication (4) – Very flat and forced at the best of times. This is mostly due to the lack of development the NPC’s you bring you into your stories have, as well as the understanding of the other person’s character. Not everyone talks in a choppy manner, and the easiest way to avoid this is to read a couple posts they wrote in another thread to understand how a character would act.

Action (5) – Treason had action. Tourny, you had none. This is a dead horse, but it should be clear by now that the lack of substance in a story is going to hurt you everywhere in these judgments. Please, please take this to heart and learn from this so you can grow as a writer. You need to give me something to eat if you plan to have me stay and read your work. If I don’t get hooked, I won’t stick around for long.

Persona (5) – I have no clue what, who, or why Barnabas does anything he does, or why he is the way he is. He truly is an invisible man, because I can’t even read him. You need to flesh out emotions, what they feel, why they feel it, how the environment and the story impacts them. Look at some Judge’s Choice to help you get an idea. Treason you had some good character in this, but the helpless, not so helpless, but still helpless teen angle is approaching the line. She is a new character, and it seems you’re starting to hit your stride with her which means next time I look forward to some real growth. But for now, job well done.

Prose: (16)

Mechanics (6) – A few errors in your posts can really hurt the clarity of a story overall, but thankfully, that wasn’t the case. Still, several misspellings and missed punctuation/capitalization was had sprinkled throughout the thread. The same advice I always give is the advice I’ll give again: When you post your next part of the story, go back and edit the one you did previous. A fresh perspective allows you to see what you missed, and in a tournament setting, this is critical to success.

Clarity (6) – The saving grace is that I had no real issues understanding what you guys did or the actions you performed. This is because, once again, I had very little to go off at times. This score won’t get any higher if you don’t push your boundaries further.

Technique (4) – For Treason, I have nothing but praise. You’re really pushing your boundries in trying new things, and it shows. Keep this up. Tounry, you regressed from your last round. You actually seemed to have gone backwards in the process you made. If you had a mentor teach you, you may want to go back and think of what they gave you for advice. Short, choppy, sentences don’t cut it when writing. Flesh it out.

Wildcard: (4)

Total: 47

Taste of Treason receives 235 exp and 40 gp.
Tourneymant receives 59 exp and 10 gp.