AC: Round 2 - Group 4

[hoytti]

Respite was tired, Sorish hadn't let up on the attack for quite some time and there was no time to counter so he has been on the defending end of each blow. He had noticed Taka running out and down the hall to the center temple but he couldn't stop him. Right as soon as Taka entered the chamber Sorish had suddenly stopped attacking. He took this time to attack but a blue shield surrounded him. He knew what this meant Aurora has finally awakened. After a while of Sorish's eyes changing they finally stopped on blue and the shield dropped. "Respite, I'm Aurora. I want to talk to Ra."

Hearing Sorish speak Roxi looked up and saw he was calm. She slithered over to him and plugged in and sensed that the weak conscious that had been deep in was in control, she connected to Sorish and he filled her in.

"Aurora, you know how much we hate you. Your nothing..." Suddenly he couldn't speak.

"I said, let me talk to Ra."

Respite nodded then his eyes turned red. "Aurora-chan, long time, no see. How are thind?"

"I'm fine Ra-kun, let's talk as we go to the center of the monastery."

"Ok Aurora-chan." They started to walk to the center. "Aurora-chan, what is it you need?"

"Straight to the point, I need you to first off, train your men to be respectful, second I just wanted to see you. It's been a long time."

"I'm sorry for their behavior, they consider me a gift and think they are better then anyone who doesn't have me."

"They actually pushed my host over the edge." they entered the room and just ignored a gaping Taka as they went over to the center of the room. Where Ra pulled a lever and two thrones appeared. They sat in them and continued talking about the times they had and all that have been going on and just other small conversations. After a while They finished talking and they disappeared. Sorish's eyes turned back to pink while Respites turned back to green.

"What?" they asked at the same time and Respite jumped up looking around.

"You disobeyed our rules!" Respite yelled then fell for Ra hit his consciousness and knocked him out.

Sorish looked at the man then over at Taka. "Where did Aurora bring me?"

Taka smiled behind his mask. Now I get it, that's why they acted like old friends they were both being controlled. "Your in the center of the monastery."

"Then she completed the quest for me." Suddenly both Sorish and Taka fell asleep.

*Finished*

*Notice: Sorish will be training to use Aurora's powers after level three.*

[Revenant]

Plot: (15)

Storytelling (6) - Not a bad read, but not a solid one either. It was mostly the delivery of the big reveals in the story that sunk this. You need to build your suspense up, and then not blow over it before it has a chance to pickle. And if you are trying to be clever about hiding something in plain sight you need to give the reader small hints to keep them guessing in order to make the reader invested. Solving it on your own with no thought once so ever can hurt a good story.

Setting (5) - This was all done by Tainted. Hyotti, you had a bad time making this work to your advantage, mostly due to your rushed nature when you write. Take your time, flesh things out, give it a good once over before hitting Post.

Pacing (4) - Your story was rough in the fact that you both had a tendency to end a post asking the other what to do. This thankfully ended towards the end of the story, but it had a very stop and go feel which can hurt a reader’s attention span. You need to find a way to keep your hooks lodged in without giving the reader a chance to grow bored and pick them out.

Character: (15)

Communication (5) - Nothing really bad here, but a couple of really flat lines hurt Hyotti. You need to ask for permission before writing other people’s character’s, more for the sake of ensuring you capture them perfectly. Also, when you write your dialogue with multiple characters, it’s hard to keep track of who is saying what when you have multiple quote’s, but no lines to dictate who said what. Clean it up, give some ownership, and this can rise.

Action (6) - A decent amount of action, though mostly carried by Tainted, though Hyotti you added a bit yourself, it was more in a bland style of “I approach target, target offers challenge, oh I can’t do it walk away.” You need to flesh things out a bit more if you want to improve this area. Fun little duel in the middle of the story was neat, though.

Persona (4) - I really got the general jist of Taka, but nothing as far as understanding him or his motives. He was just good ol Taka in this one. Not necessarily bad, mind you, but remember that every now and then it’s helpful to give the reader a taste into the mind of the Ronin. Hyotti, I have no clue what your character is, why they are even the way they are, and everything in between. I have no clue what your character is like, what makes them do what they do. Like Taka, you need to help the reader understand the type of person you want Hyotti to be.

Prose: (14)

Mechanics (5) - There were a lot of little errors here and there, and that can get pretty distracting. You both should know the remedy to fix that right up. Proofread, it’s a life saver.

Clarity (4) - Hyotti I noticed when reading your character has taken liberties to notice things and assume things instantly by merely glancing at them, which is not usually easy to do, but what bothered me more was this sentence here: She looked at the man who stood before her. He definitely was a warrior of high stature. His skin and hair were white as snow he had a brown robe. His arms were covered in bandages, I hope he doesn't carry a contagious disease. then she noticed the spots coming from his back. Definitely a disease. How in the world you can see someone’s back looking at their front is a little…well impossible. Make sure when you write you make your actions believable within a certain realm of fantasy. I’m all for the answer being magic to anything, but to stand at someone’s front side, and see their backside…well now that’s just plain off.

Technique (5) = A lot of literary tricks performed by Tainted helped boost this score, but your rather blunt, lack of technique style in your writing Hyotti only seemed to balance it out to a blank state. Try to push your comfort zone, stretching for the skies and pick out new exciting ways to make your words come to life.

Wildcard: (6)

Total: 50

Tainted Bushido receives 823 exp and 95 gp.
Hoytti receives 313 exp and 95 gp.