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Thread: Halloween Horror Contest

  1. #11
    Be the Hero you can be.
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    Flames of Hyperion's Avatar

    Name
    Nanashi (Ingwe Helyanwe)
    Age
    26
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black-Brown
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    Black-Brown
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    178cm / 70kg
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    Shusai, Kensai, Monjutsushi

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    Out of Character:
    So... I started with a 6000-word epic featuring Touma. Then I realised it was too long and too complex, and too intricate for a standalone horror story... and I'm only allowed one entry. Hence you get this instead, inspired by classic Japanese folktales - no Halloween this side of the world, but scary seems to be quite universal! Enjoy?


    By the time the young ronin stumbled from the doorway of the drinking den, the roadside lanterns had long since been lit. His face flushed a bright beetroot red in the sudden chill, and his breath reeked of stale sake as it steamed from half-open mouth. Bright young eyes blinked once as banners fluttered in a stiff breeze, barely focused as they darted here and there into the cloudy darkness. Grumbling loudly over his shoulder at those of his mates with pockets deep enough to still be drinking, he began to make his way along the well-swept town boulevard.

    None watching could in any way consider his journey an elegant one. He lurched and tottered like a stormbound seasick sailor, weaving unsteadily from wall to wall and from one side of the street to the other. More times than once he very nearly tripped over his own arms, or over the hem of his tattered robes, or over the threshold of a nearby villa. He followed an instinctive path home, towards his shack some thirty minutes distant in the nearest village, towards the embracing warmth of the straw mattress that awaited him there..

    Across the rickety wooden bridge out of town he stumbled, his clogs rattling a merry out-of-time tune upon the seasoned planks. The tinkle of the river below played a crystalline counter-melody to his efforts, and he paused for a moment to appreciate it, straining a sweaty head out over the waters to better soothe his throbbing ears, blinking again to clear his vision of the foggy drunken veil.

    Then he saw them.

    Small shapes on the riverbank, playing amongst the gravel. Goblinoid in form, with long thin beaks and glistening plates of water upon their turtle-like heads. Their wide unnatural eyes gleamed like saucepans in the darkness, and as he looked down upon them, he could swear that they turned as one to face him… and bared rows upon rows of sharp slender teeth in disdainful hunger.

    This time he did trip over his own feet, in his panicked haste to duck out of sight.

    Kappa!

    The thought sprung unbidden through his muddled mind, referring to the trickster water imps so famous in Nipponese folklore. He had to get away from here, before they caught him, and dragged him into the water, and inserted their beaks into his backside, and slurped out his intestines like so much warm noodles…

    Dread flooded his wits, and adrenaline lent strength to his tangled limbs. The night echoed once more to his scrambled clatter as he fled inland, away from the water, away from the danger. Was it only his imagination, or did the wind carry mischievous twitters to his ears as he left the river behind?

    No.

    It carried the kappa’s mocking laughter, and more.

    Grasping hands snatched at his shoulders and thighs as the early autumn breeze suddenly turned frigid and blustery. His vision exploded in a cloud of black feathers, as he stumbled through a nesting murder of crows that blocked his path a moment earlier. Buffeted on all sides by hammering winds and beating wings, he lost his balance and stumbled to the damp earth, digging his fingers into the clay-like loam and holding on for dear life.

    Tengu!

    Dire thoughts streamed into his addled mind, old wives’ tales of those spirited away by the feathered wind and left to wander in the middle of nowhere, emerging from the wilderness after decades of solitude only to find that all traces of their previous life had already passed on without them. Renewed panic turned into full-on flight. With a sound halfway between a scream and a mewling whimper he scrabbled clear, headlong into the shelter of a bamboo grove. The wind laughed at him again as it broke against the walls of his newfound prison, rattling the bars as he cowered and trembled beneath its might.

    Then it died away, slowly and reluctantly.

    Cocooned by deathly silence, slowly the young ronin peered forth from between the tall stalks. Tense grey clouds hung low over the nightscape, roiling with shapes that could only be nue. No doubt the heavenly beasts and bringers of misfortune and illness waited to ambush him as soon as he left cover for open ground.

    With jerky movements he cast his gaze about him once more. Town lights dimpled the eastern horizon, wavering like lost beacons of hope to the shipwrecked traveller, while those of the village where he lived cast a much fainter glow in the opposite direction. The dirt highway between the two lay before him, untravelled and empty, a dangerously exposed ribbon winding its way between tall grasses of rice paddies just before the harvest and the occasional bamboo grove or copse of slender trees such as the one in which he hid. His vision bleared as his blood-stained eyes calculated its daunting length. Something, anything, to salvage his current situation…

    Oh, but it wasn’t untravelled or empty! A noble’s procession, headed in the same direction as he! Two palanquins, headed by lantern-bearers, and stone-faced escorts with swords at their waist! He would not be allowed to join their ranks, but if he followed them at a respectful distance, perhaps it would deter the nightmares above… keep his head attached to his shoulders…

    He waited.

    Waited until his nerves tingled with suppressed electricity and his fears turned to ashen dust upon his tongue.

    Waited until his mind turned to jelly with the tension, and pinpricks raced up and down his crouched legs.

    Waited until the stately slow-moving procession had passed him by, and he could wait no longer…

    In an explosion of pent-in frustration he burst from the copse. But he his sake-muddled wits had misjudged the distance, and his cramped limbs made far too much noise in the stillness of the night. The procession stopped as one to look at the intruder, and the young ronin froze in fear. They would be well within their rights to cut his head off where he stood, and judging by the way the nearest samurai’s hand went to his sword…

    “What is it?” a melodic voice asked from one of the palanquins, and a dainty white hand brushed aside the bamboo curtain. Glitteringly beautiful eyes peered out from the depths of the pooled darkness: mesmerising, hypnotising, electrifying…

    “A young man,” a second girl twittered from the other litter, her voice as light as spring rain and its humorous tint just as refreshing. The ronin’s gaze flicked to whence it had came, and once again found himself entranced by a stray moonbeam illuminating the nape of a slender neck through the raised veil…

    “A young man!” the first girl exclaimed with delight, her voice echoing closer this time and accompanied by the flowery scent of an exquisitely expensive perfume. “But I must see him!”

    “Juzo!” the second voice ordered, and suddenly the ronin found himself flanked by heavy-set men with expressionless miens. But the voices had worked their magic upon his mind, extending delicate tendrils of desire and temptation into the furthest reaches of his head. He found himself almost wishing to be led forward, to be forced upon one knee in front of the ladies so that they could have their pleasure of him…

    A brief trick of the light, a whimsical vagary of the clouds that for only a mere five seconds allowed the full moon to shine down upon the countryside in all of its unadulterated glory, saved his life.

    In the purity of its bright luminescence, he beheld the truth.

    The voices did not belong to women.

    The first had the features and form of a seductive flower of the night, but beneath her intricately patterned kimono he could see the bulge of her spinneret, and the glitter of her poisonous fangs marred her smile… a jyorogumo, a spider woman, who would seduce him with her lute only to suck out his insides for food.

    The second also had the face and body of a young maiden, except that the neck that joined them filled the litter with its length, and lustrous black hair flowed and wound about the bamboo curtain of its own accord… a rokurokubi, a snake woman, who would capture him in her coils and slowly drink her fill of his blood.

    The ronin swallowed compulsively, throat bobbing in fear. He wondered if he merely dreamed the developments, wondered if he opened his eyes and pinched his cheeks he would wake in his bed and laugh it all off…

    But the vise-like grip on his upper arm…

    He turned fearfully towards the stern-faced escorts…

    … and found himself staring into the grimly vicious visage of an oni, a guardian ogre.

    Not just one, but every last one of the swordsmen, even the lantern bearers, wore the same terrifying mask.

    He screamed. A shrill, strident shriek at the top of his lungs. Somewhere he found the strength to wrench his shoulder free. Somehow he kept his footing as he barrelled clear, head down as tears streamed uncontrollably from his face, not daring to stop for fear that the oni gave chase.

    He was certain that they too laughed at him as he fled.

    But he didn’t care. He ran. Ran like a rabbit with hunting dogs upon his tail, ran like a mouse seeking shelter from the predatory hawk. Sweat drenched the goosebumps upon his spine, and his lungs burnt with the efforts of his exertions. The ribbon of dirt flew past beneath his feet as he focused on one thing and one thing only… he had to get away from there.

    At length he came upon a teahouse in the middle of the road, a simple structure halfway between the town and his village. He often stopped off here for his midday meal, and knew its proprietors by sight. The small building represented the closest to sanctuary he would find for miles around.

    “Open up! Open up!” he bellowed, pounding at the wooden doorframe between glances over his shoulder to ensure that the chase hadn’t caught up with him. The clouds overhead seemed awfully close…

    “Open up!” he screamed again, and this time the door crashed inwards at his bidding. He stumbled inwards a couple of steps, surprised, only to find himself staring at the hunched back of the old woman who ran the establishment. “Let me in, please, they’re coming after me…”

    Sobs strangled the rest of his words from his throat as the old woman turned to greet him… her face a blank slate of smooth skin, her features wiped completely clean.

    “Who’s after you?” the reedy voice asked innocently.

    The ronin, however, had already fled back out the open door, screaming once more at the top of his lungs.

    Again he ran, bolstered by the desperation of a man who had no choice and no option but to run. A high-pitched wail followed him as he raced past the verdant paddies, and only after he completely ran out of breath did he realise the voice belonged to himself. So he shut up and continued to run, wheezing uncontrollably as he struggled to feed oxygen to his tiring limbs, somehow managing an occasional moan through uncontrollable tremors.

    Finally he fell to his knees in the midst of a thick grove, tall grasses tickling his anguished brow in callous scorn. His head throbbed and his vision swam, torso engulfed in a raging inferno, alcohol pouring from his body in rivulets of stinking sweat. One hacking gasp after another wracked his body as he struggled to regain his composure, struggled to wrap his mind around the nightmares…

    Lanterns in the night. Bright wavering wisps of blue flame cast ghostly light upon the looming trees and grasping undergrowth, the souls of the departed come to claim one of their own.

    The stench of death lingering in the back of his nose and on the tip of his tongue. A lumpy mass of necrotic flesh the size of a daimyo’s warhorse shuffled past the edge of his vision, headed towards the graveyard on the village outskirts.

    The keening whistle of the wind as it built up strength once more, filling his ears and his head with piercing agony. Painless gashes tore at his skin, cutting deep into his flesh but drawing no blood.

    Intense terror, coupled with the faintest of hopes, gave his wearily paralysed limbs one last burst of strength. Another minute or so, and he would arrive at his village. His home lay on the outskirts nearer to him; if he could just reach there, if he could just cross the threshold and cower upon the reed mats beneath his straw duvet…

    Ignoring the mud monsters grasping at his legs, ignoring their hungry whispers for his flesh, he stumbled forth once more. Tottering steps gradually built momentum into one last headlong flight, hair and robes dishevelled and his breath now escaping as steamy whimpers. Clouds hung low over his head, the wind tearing at his limbs and whistling malevolently into his ears, and supernatural presences surrounded him and laughed at his blind panic.

    Something burning, something brilliantly bright in the night sky. A flaming wheel hung over his head, rotted wooden spokes circling a disembodied head frozen in an eternal grimace. The legendary wanyudo, guardian of the boundaries between this world and the next, come to steal the souls of those who got too close. He had to keep moving, had to keep away from this newest monstrosity, had to get home…

    Nearly home…

    The taste of freedom on his lips. The overwhelming relief in his heart. The impatient enthusiasm transcending his drunken stupor as he reached out to open the door…

    And then something reached out of the darkness and tore his head off.

    Just like that.
    -Level 10-

    You made me laugh, you make me smile
    For you I will always go the extra mile
    I hope that the day will come when I can banish this pain
    I just hope that one day I will see you again

  2. #12
    Loremaster
    EXP: 72,114, Level: 11
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    Level completed: 60%,
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    Christoph's Avatar

    Name
    Elijah Belov
    Age
    26
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    6' / 175 pounds
    Job
    Former chef, aimless wanderer, Pagoda Master, and self-professed Salvic Rebel Leader ™.

    Just a few more days left! Make haste!

  3. #13
    Loremaster
    EXP: 72,114, Level: 11
    Level completed: 60%, EXP required for next level: 4,886
    Level completed: 60%,
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    Christoph's Avatar

    Name
    Elijah Belov
    Age
    26
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    6' / 175 pounds
    Job
    Former chef, aimless wanderer, Pagoda Master, and self-professed Salvic Rebel Leader ™.

    The contest ends at midnight tonight (EST)!!

  4. #14
    Member
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    Ebivoulya's Avatar

    Name
    Nyadir D'Var
    Age
    26
    Race
    Half-Elf
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    6'3, 220lbs
    Job
    Murder-Hobo

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    A Mid-Summer Night's Scream

    The distant moon loomed in the night sky like the pale face of death, its shroud billowing out to engulf the world, and its cold rays stretched down to bathe the city with no name. A stirring breeze swelled in the gaps between shadows, sprung out of dark alleys and sewers to assault the oblivious citizens with the stench of things they thought forgotten; things they never knew. Grimy streets and side-walks covered in trash and old newspapers flickered in and out of life with the intermittent buzzing of a nearby streetlight, and and the quiet clack of some sharp red heels quelled the wind long enough for a pair of long legs with gorgeous hips to casually light a cigarette. She pursed her crimson lips and took a long drag while she buried one arm up to the elbow of her black silk glove looking for her keys as she swayed down the paper-covered sidewalk.

    Ever on the lookout for powerful men, the devious dame had batted her baby blue eyes at the son of one of the Heads of the Bloodlines, and was enjoying a plush job as his secretary, with all the benefits. On her way back from a beautiful performance of Era La Notte, the sultry secretary readjusted the stylish red strap of her very expensive purse, and straightened the tight black skirt she had squeezed into in case she saw anybody; it never hurt to keep an open mind. A quick gust from the starry sky nearly took her favorite hat, and she stumbled over an empty soda bottle to catch it and nearly broke a heel; she almost screamed, but took a deep breath and began checking her hat instead. The clutter and trash was an unusual newcomer to the nameless city, but the young woman in the black dress thought nothing of it as she turned a windy corner to cut through one last alley. Parking was scarce in the city these days, but the Councillors had a plan, and they had led the city to peace after the First Council. She turned the corner, disappeared into the shadow beyond the flickering street lamp's reach, and came face to face with terror.

    The sinister, slack-jawed menace loomed over her with ferocious intent, his wild, dark hair writing into the night in tattered tufts, and as she heard his sadistic laugh she gazed into those sharp, ferocious eyes and felt her knees weak. The terrible thing was on her in moments, and she screamed in pure fear. She fought for her life, but suddenly a shot rang out, and she stumbled back to see blackened claws gripping a gun, her gun; the gun from her purse. Somehow, she couldn't really...she stumbled, and the creature moved in for the kill. Someone screamed, but for some reason it was her throat that was raw. The ground was under her, and she worried for a moment about her dress; she just wouldn't be able to stand it if her dress got stained. She hadn't realized it was so cold, she should've brought a jacket, or maybe that lovely red sweater she used to wear around the house all day. Maybe she would put it on when she got home, just for old time's sake. It was so dark, and she couldn't see anything, but the sweater would at least help with the cold; her parents had always hated the thing.

    -----------

    Solemn and pale, the unforgiving moon towered in the sky held aloft by starry columns, glinted off the chrome hood ornament that plowed away into the night to the steady roar of the engine. Fresh white-walls devoured the pavement hungrily, and the wind whipped the short, wavy locks of the son of one of the Heads of the Bloodlines. He was a man who had everything he wanted, and always enjoyed it in a finely tailored suit, and he was enjoying the purring engine of his finely tuned roadster as he sped towards his hotel. Some reporter was declaring between bouts of static that a woman had been found dead, and the young man thought of his beautiful secretary as she had waved to him after the opera, but her car hadn't been parked that far away. Well, even if it was her, he'd need a new secretary soon, anyways. The paperwork was already being processed to raise his old man to replace of one of the Five Councillors.

    A stray page of newspaper detailing the reinsurance of 'unwanteds' in certain areas of the city without a name flipped up onto a slick black paint job, only to tear back off into the night and flick past the young driver. The bland buildings and dull roads all blurred together behind the stark black roadster, and the son thought of the day his father took the seat of Councillor, the day he would finally rise to be the Head of their bloodline. Many families didn't even pay dues anymore, but they all respected the Head. He adjusted his sharp red tie as he spotted a well-lit hotel coming around the corner, and brought the car in smoothly right in front of it. An usher in a plain red vest hurried over to open his door, and he stepped out onto red carpet with well-polished wing-tips. The wind picked up, and his two large guards in suits walked up to him, but one of them turned suddenly and started struggling with something.

    The shadows themselves leaped to life and began strangling the well-dressed guard with blackened talons, its screeching laughter almost as piercing as the fierce black voids that formed its eyes. A tattered straightjacket vainly tried to contain the swelling dark emanating from the beast, and its legs simply faded into the shadow of the ground.; a shot rang out, then another. The tangle of guard and shadow ripped towards the young son, and he reached for his gun just as the terrible mass collided with him. The writhing dark seemed to tear at itself as it overwhelmed the two men, and they all stumbled out into the street. The young man in his fine black suit finally drew his gun, and got one shot off just as he stumbled back. A sudden screech brought his head around just in time to see a cherry red paint job and one large headlight.

    -----------

    The pristine expanse of pockmarked moon crowned the starry night sky, and far-off clouds rumbling low on the horizon sent buffets of wind to rattle the window casements of one of the most popular restaurants in the nameless city. There were few patrons enjoying a meal this night, and in the best table sat an elderly man in a suit with his two bodyguards; all were conversing amiably, and one of the short-haired guards complimented the older man on his impending appointment to Councillor. The graying man was serenely enjoying his meal when a splotch of dark crimson sauce found its way onto his well-pressed black suit; he raised a hand and reached for his own yellow kerchief to clean himself, but the uncertain looks of his guards brought an annoyed sigh to his lips. As a man who was about to be raised to one of the five Council seats, his servants and personnel were expected to care for him; a Councillor never did anything himself. The short-haired man looked pleased as he reached over with one of the napkins from the table to clean his boss' suit, and suddenly the Head of one of the Fifteen Bloodlines lost his appetite. The issue of the 'unwanteds' kept springing to mind, and he couldn't help but think back to the mistakes of his predecessors.

    The whole thing had started some thirty years back, when the previous Head of his bloodline had risen to Councillor. The teachings and aspirations of the First Council were still fresh in people's minds back then, but the mistakes of one man almost undid the good wrought by the creation of the Five Orders. The well-dressed older man stood from his table, mind lost in thought, and his two guards gathered up his jacket, paid the bill, and met him at the door as he was leaving. The Orders were understood to be the whole basis for their way of life, the very reason their city had not been swallowed up by the chaos of the wastelands like so many others. The single act most responsible for their lack of crime and other unwanted elements was the Third Order. The other four orders were intended to protect their city from the raiders and nomads that wandered the deserts, which were slowly spreading out to cover the globe. The Third Order was meant to protect them from themselves, and the insanity that sometimes drove people to wander out into the sands. Some madmen even harkened to legends of lush fields and plentiful bounty, a ridiculous fairy-tale, as though they believed such a thing lay waiting for them on the other side of the desert. If their produce was not grown in sealed greenhouses, they would all starve; the idea of something growing out of sand almost made the old man laugh as he stood on the red carpet leading up to the front entrance and waited on his driver to pull the car around.

    It was many years ago, when the Seventh Head of his Bloodline finally rose to the seat of Councillor that the worst of their problems began, and the man's mistake was a simple one; greed. The old fool had proposed and enacted a tax to cover the costs of the procedures of the Third Order, just something to give a slight boost to the treasury so he could propose a vote to raise the pay of the Councillors. Some of the families of the lesser bloodlines, and even those of the Fifteen Bloodlines, could not afford the procedure and thus did not have it done. In the past, any problems the city had were quickly resolved by a relatively miniscule police force. It was only about fifteen years after the imposed tax that the 'unwanteds' began causing problems, and in the years since the entire city has been withering away. The gray-haired Head pondered this solemnly, and a waiter ran out from the restaurant calling his name. He turned to question the man, who was dressed in a black tuxedo and stood about a foot shorter than the older man; the young lad was uncertainly shifting his feet on the red carpet below them, and the older man asked what the lad wanted. The young short-haired waiter paused for a moment, then bluntly informed the soon to be Councillor that his son had been murdered.

    The news made the old man go numb, and he blankly stared at the young waiter and saw the smiling face of his son fawning over one of his custom-built roadsters. There were no thoughts in his mind, and something stumbling out from the alley next to the restaurant brought the old man's head up. Immediately, the numbness fled from the old man's mind and was replaced with terror. The inky black darkness of the night itself wrapped around a thin and tall figure, seemed to pulse and stretch out, seeking to consume all life. It's face, though; its face was twisted and pockmarked, skin stretched taut at strange angles and with eyes glinting like the flash of moonlight on the face of death. Several shots shattered the moment of disbelief, and the old man jumped, his breath catching in his throat, thinking it finally the end. The twisted grin on the face of depravity seemed to sink back into the shadows behind it, but as it fled the startled Head could feel the very life being pulled violently from him. He clutched his chest with one clawed hand in pain, and collapsed to the red carpet.

    -----------

    With reverence the solemn moon gazed down from its star-filled home to pierce blackened clouds in shafts that caressed the rooftops of the nameless city like a gentle touch. The smallest smattering of rain floated wind-born into the city to dampen the streets and insistently tap on the windows as though in warning, though it fell on deaf ears and unwilling minds. The wind swept into one of the large plazas near the center of the city without a name, bringing with it the smell of fresh rain, and a group of men gazed up at the night sky. Amidst several suits stood a balding and white-haired man in the elegant loose green robes of his station, and the Councillor had what hair of his remained tied in a tail behind his head. A group of people sat around a crackling radio near a fountain in the center of the plaza, listening intently to some story of a serial killer on the loose, and the elderly Councillor sighed and shook his head. The sorry state of their city was due to the mistakes of past Councillors, but he still felt obligated to do something, though no solution would reveal itself. It was that obligation that had brought about his resignation, and not his old age as most believed.

    He had been the only Councillor to speak out against the militant reacquisition of the 'unwanteds' throughout the city, and he had even been so bold as to question the Five Orders themselves. His 'resignation' had been voted on directly afterward, and no one had the power to go against the orders declared in the Chamber. Though he had stayed for the customary month, none of his ideas had been heard since, and he only attended the meetings in defiance. He began walking around the plaza, and his four guards followed, constantly glancing toward the group around the fountain. The Council's fear of the 'unwanteds' was understandable; no ruling group wanted to see an uprising, but the retiring Councillor could not help but feel that they were going about the problem in the wrong way. None of them were willing to see any of those people as human; more like sick dogs. If a sick dog would rather snap at your hand than accept help, that is its choice. The whole idea just got under his skin, and he couldn't help but doubt the sanity of the rest of the Council.

    The light rain that had been buffeting the massive walls of the nameless city finally broke over the dirtied streets, and the balding old man in green robes raised his face to enjoy the refreshing sprinkle. The desert surrounding their city made anything but sun an exceptional rarity, and he didn't intend to miss the opportunity to appreciate it. After a few moments of rain and distant radio static, the elderly man brought his eyes back down to the paved plaza and saw a trail of blood leading off behind a building. Curious and concerned, the kindly Councillor walked around the edge of the building to see if whoever was hurt was still there. One of his guards yelled, and all four of them rushed ahead of him for some reason. He stepped uncertainly around the corner, but could only see the suited backs of his guards as they grappled with someone. A shot pierced the quiet of the night, and then another, and the aging Councillor looked down to see his thick green robes soaking with blood. One of his guards collapsed, and he looked past the rest into a very familiar set of eyes. The ground rushed up to slam into the old man's back, and he gazed up at the many pinpricks of light dotting the night sky as shouts and footsteps ran off down the alley. The balding man knew the end as he felt it near, and as the concerned faces of his guards faded into the night behind them he thought that at least, this way, he died as a Councillor; at least he had died at the hands of a man with eyes like his.

    -----------

    Rain coated the streets of the nameless city in intermittent bursts, occasionally wetting the alleys that flew beneath the feet of a desperate man, and wind ruffled his dark hair as he stumbled through the nameless city seeking some escape from this nightmare. The last hour had been the worst of his life, a series of terrible twists all stemming from a chance encounter with some woman. The bleeding man stumbled into a stack of crates behind one building, and stopped running for a moment to catch his breath. The woman had just suddenly been there, and when she pulled out a gun he tried to grab it from her. He watched her last breaths before he had moved on, and almost immediately he had stumbled into that group in front of the hotel. With a groan the injured man rose and began running again, trying to gauge the distance to the massive city walls; he would climb them if he had to. The rain pelted his face gently, as though the very sky were crying for him as he desperately ran to escape what had happened, to escape this horrible city.

    It had been a miracle that he hadn't been hit by that car as well, the man found himself thinking as he chanced a pained jog across a well-lit street. It was too bad the bullet didn't miss him, too, but he was still alive, and he felt like he might even survive if he could stop the damn bleeding. He clutched his side as he ran through another dark alleyway, but despite the pressure all of his blood was determined to stay here, whether he left or not. Thunder rumbled ominously as he paused again to catch his breath, something he found himself doing more often as the night wound on. He started running once more, and found himself entertaining thoughts of freedom, but again the face of the old man outside the restaurant jumped to his mind. He had tried to avoid anyone after the first two incidents, but despite that had found himself staring down some old man and his guards. The pure terror in the man's eyes had been almost shocking, and he recalled the old man collapsing just as he managed to get away.

    He stopped at the exit of one alleyway, gasping for breath, and shrank back into the shadows as he saw the lights of a car. After a few seconds the young man noticed the lights approaching far too slowly, and with a curse turned and stumbled back down the alley. He found the corner of another alley and threw himself behind it, but was blinded by a spotlight just as he made it. His breaths came quick and rasping as he pushed his failing body to its limits, and the echoing shouts and car doors slamming spurred him on to run harder than he ever had in his life. The thought of being taken, of winding up like everyone else in this cursed city was worse than death. That Councillor had been different, though. He had never seen one before, but had recognized the robe immediately. With regret he remembered suddenly feeling the trigger of the gun he was grappling for underneath his finger just before the elderly man had been shot. The shouts were closer now, and as he turned another corner a bright light bathed his crouched and bleeding form again briefly. His mind was blank with fear, and he let go of the wound in his side, using his hands to scramble past stacks of boxes, anything to escape.

    The old Councillor had been like him, and that was what surprised him the most; the thought that he had killed such a man, who was actually in a position to change this wretched city ate at him. He turned another corner, wiping some of the rain from his face as a gust of wind stole the heat from his body, and he found another spotlight shining on him from the road ahead. He threw himself away from the wall and stumbled down another alley, but footsteps echoed all around, and could feel the cold vice of inevitability clamping around his throat. He hobbled around another corner and slipped on the wet concrete; his ankle twisted and snapped, and the pain brought a howl to his lips. With desperation he tried to drag himself further, but suddenly polished boots were all around him, and he found himself screaming even louder. Arms came at him from all directions, holding him still despite his desperate struggle to escape, and the ground fell away beneath him. All the strength seemed to be draining from his body, and he could barely utter a terrified moan when he saw the open doors of the ambulance waiting for him. That Councillor, his eyes had been so sharp, so vibrant, the eyes of a man who saw the world for what it was. The eyes that surrounded him now were flat and lifeless, and one last tiny scream passed his numb lips before the ambulance doors slammed shut.
    Sings we a dances of wolves, who smells fear and slays the coward,
    Sings we a dances of mans, who smells gold and slays his brother.


    Ebivoulya (Level 3)

    Steppe It Up (feat. Storm)
    Who You Gonna Call? (feat. Elthas)
    Low Stretches The Hand (feat. Gum)

  5. #15
    Loremaster
    EXP: 72,114, Level: 11
    Level completed: 60%, EXP required for next level: 4,886
    Level completed: 60%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,886
    GP
    8423
    Christoph's Avatar

    Name
    Elijah Belov
    Age
    26
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    6' / 175 pounds
    Job
    Former chef, aimless wanderer, Pagoda Master, and self-professed Salvic Rebel Leader ™.

    Thank you to the folks that entered! Here are the judgments and contest results.

    *

    First off, The Only Ghost: You are disqualified because your entry did not meet the length requirements and, more importantly, was not your original work. You blatantly ripped off your entry (copy-pasted) from another source rather than writing it yourself. I do not tolerate plagiarism in my contests, nor is it tolerated on the site. Until further notice, you are barred from entering any further contests that I host, and I have reported your post to the staff.

    *

    Flames of Hyperion



    Story: 16

    I had a few issues with your opening lines. I'll go into finer detail in the Writing Style comments, but suffice to say that your beginning paragraphs stumbled and dragged on a bit and didn't hook me. Instead of your two medium-length paragraphs, you could have written one medium-length paragraph with the same general content. That, or you could have used that precious space to set a spookier mood and get the reader on edge, and generally build things up more effectively. Stories don't require immediate action, but there should be a strong point of interest or something to set the mood and encourage the reader to continue past paragraph one with high expectations. When I reached the “Then he saw them” line, there wasn't enough of a horror atmosphere built up for it to have any real effect, unfortunately.

    The Kappa were an interesting choice, amusingly making me think of the Olde World fairy creatures in “the woods” (it's neat how different cultural references can overlap). Unfortunately, you explained them too much too early, so instead of mysterious and frightening, they just felt like any other fantasy monster. The best horror keeps the readers and the character guessing, never quite sure of the nature of the threat or whether or not they are safe. With some encouragement, the reader's imagination will always conjure up images far scarier than anything you could put directly on the page. You approached it too simply in my estimation. IE: Character sees monsters, immediately recognizes them as dangerous, and books it. The pacing never kept me guessing.

    I can't say much about the setting, because other than the ground beneath the protagonist's feet and offering hiding places, it wasn't a defining feature in the story (as far as I could tell). You did what you needed to do.


    Character: 17

    “Was it only his imagination, or did the wind carry mischievous twitters to his ears as he left the river behind?” In horror (and honestly, often in any other genre as well), it severely cheapens the effect to immediately and blatantly point out that something might have been the character's imagination. The character either heard the twitters or he didn't; exercise more subtlety and let the readers decide whether he imagined it or not. It will make the character seem more real and, more a real part of the situation instead of a detached observer.

    In general, this detached feeling made your character fall a bit flat. You showed us a lot of him calling up memories to help explain what he was seeing and experiencing and not enough time actually sharing the fear and emotion he felt at various points in the story. It felt too... sterile. That combined with a nameless protagonist made it difficult for me to care about what happened to him, which is a huge problem in Horror. If the readers don't care about the character, you'll never make them feel fear on the character's behalf.

    Dialogue did not play much of a role in the story, which isn't always bad. The bits you included seemed more or less routine. Your protagonist's actions made sense for the most part, even if they typically boiled down to “recoil from the scary thing.”


    Writing Style: 21

    When I judge, I focus a lot of attention on those first few lines, because they truly are -that- important. In the first sentence “By the time the young ronin stumbled from the doorway” would, in my estimation, have been better worded as simply, “The young ronin stumbled from the doorway”, and then rework the second half of the sentence to match the change. It creates a stronger narrative voice, making it feel like it is happening in real-time, if that makes sense. The next couple lines overloaded on adjectives – remember, simply adding more descriptive words isn't a substitute for real literary flair; I know you're capable of the latter.

    Some of your literary devices fell flat. For instance, “gleamed like saucepans in the darkness” came off as a technique included for its own sake. All that said, if I had to pin down why your prose didn't work well in your story, I would say that it was too... generic, for lack of a better word. I feel that you failed to effectively adapt your style to Horror. For instance, the bit with the crows could have provided a nice “startle” if you had introduced them more abruptly; this holds true for many parts of the story. You introduced new things, meant to be scary, with too a casual voice. On the plus side, save for issues such as described in the previous paragraph, you mechanical fundamentals and clarity were pretty solid.

    Wildcard: 6

    I feel like I came off a bit hard on you in this judgment. Your core concept was pretty neat and I know that you're a good writer. Your entry didn't express your full potential, but it still wasn't bad. I hope to see you enter my contests again in the future; hopefully I'll have a theme more in your comfort zone.



    TOTAL: 60

    * * *

    Ebivoulya:



    Story: 17

    From a story perspective, I liked most of the first two paragraphs. You painted a picture of the setting (albeit a noticeably incomplete one), introduced a character, and gave her a fairly believable reason to be there. Then your narrative fell down a flight of stairs as you transitioned between paragraphs two and three. Now, abrupt switches from calm to danger work nicely in Horror, but only if set up properly. Your transition came out of nowhere, and thus lost most of its impact. I admit, it's a tough balancing act between making the reader anticipate the coming terror without expecting it.

    The moon theme that you used to begin all but the last scene was a cool concept, but I wish you had done more with it, such as describing its shifting position in the sky to illustrate the passage of time or something significant. That said, I was sad that you didn't continue the theme into the finale scene.

    As for the setting, you did a good job of describing things on the micro scale, but didn't give a strong sense of the overall [soon enough]. You dropped enough information to needlessly confuse. You might have been better off putting the story in a more mundane setting (just name a real-world city) and going from there, saving you from the need to establish additional context. That's just one possibility. The story definitely seemed like too small a piece of too large an overall whole to effectively portray in a short story. The info-dumps took me right out of the story.

    On the whole, your entry was barely even a Horror story. It had some elements of Horror, but sadly, your delivery failed to pass any of the emotions to me as a reader. The core idea was my favorite of the contest


    Character: 19

    I like how you bounced between characters but connected them. The different perspectives did a nice job of driving the story. Sadly, it seems like you rushed through each scene and never gave a strong sense of significance or filled in gaps in the overall storyline and connection between the characters. I have a feeling that, if you had the chance to redo it, this could have been quite a nice character-driven story.

    You included no dialogue at all, but it worked with the style, I think. You used body language, among other things, as communication between characters. On the whole, your character elements were pretty good, but I wanted to see more.


    Writing Style: 19

    Your opening line had a decent dash of literary flair but dragged on a bit too much. You write thick prose, but it's perfectly okay (and often a good idea) to break sentences up from time to time, mix in more short sentences. It heightens decisiveness. You could definitely use a lesson in brevity and efficiency. I don't mean that you should oversimplify or dumb down your writing style, but that you should remove unnecessary words. The more efficiently you can describe something, the more the reader will forget that he/she is reading and get drawn into the story. Good prose shouldn't draw too much attention to itself, but should rather heighten the reader's ability experience the -story-. You know where to find me if you wish to go over some examples.

    Even more so than Flames, you overloaded on the adjectives. This issue was made even more noticeable because you also overloaded on oft-unnecessary literary techniques throughout the story more often as well. Many of your fancy turns of phrase would have hit the mark if you'd made them short and sweet, rather than long and dull. Your uses of alliteration were neat, but try not to overcrowd your writing with them lest they lose their impact and become silly. I could say the same for the use of personification. To pinpoint the core issue with your prose: you were trying way too hard. I spent way too much time reading through stylistic fluff and far too little experiencing the actual story.

    I'm torn on your occasional tendency to slip into classic detective-noir colloquialisms. For instance, “for a pair of long legs with gorgeous hips to casually light a cigarette” made me at first imagine an actual, literal pair of legs lighting a cigarette. I caught up swiftly, but I think you would have done better to ease the reader into that manner of describing things so it makes sense immediately. You also tend to talk around a lot of points rather than just going out and saying them.

    Clarity suffered quite a bit from your overly pedantic prose and round-about way of describing things. Your mechanics were clean on a technical level, but you definitely used more weak verbs than I would ever expect from you. Finally, try to break up your paragraphs. Nobody wants to read a block of text exceeding 250 words, let along several consecutive massive walls of text. You paragraphs go from subject to subject, so you had plenty of perfect places to break off into a new one. It would have given your writing a stronger sense of flow, not to mention making it much, much easier on the eyes. Remember, you don't want the reader focusing on the writing itself, but rather on the story.


    Wildcard: 6

    Like I said in Flames' judgment, you had a really neat core idea. In future contests, maybe you'll get started a little sooner, yeah?


    TOTAL: 61



    By one point, Ebivoulya wins!

    Ebivoulya gains 1,000 GP from my account, and may request the boon of his choice (I'm a little scared). Flames of Hyperion earns 500 GP, also from me. Pending staff approval, I would like my two entrants to receive some EXP, at least on par with a typical vignette, for their hard work.

    Thank you and congrats! I hope to see both of you and more in my next installment.

  6. #16
    Sexy Immortal
    EXP: 149,516, Level: 16
    Level completed: 86%, EXP required for next level: 2,484
    Level completed: 86%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,484
    GP
    34,339
    Enigmatic Immortal's Avatar

    Name
    Jensen Ambrose
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black Red Tips
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    5'11, 154
    Job
    Senior Knight of the Apocalypse

    I see no reason not to award the exp for the vignette awards. Thanks guys and gals! Great work and good job
    I could laugh...
    ...Till I die!

    Avatar Edited to Look AMAZING by Sagequeen

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