Full rubric, full commentary requested.
Plot: (20)
Storytelling (5) – I was somewhat surprised that you decided to fulfill this mission requirement by not actually doing the mission. The setup that this thread entailed was decidedly less interesting than it could have been, with its focus being more on dinner than on pathfinding. That aside, this thread was a good example of character exploration and was well put together in that regard. Though this thread met the minimum length requirement, it felt more like a scene in a larger story than a story itself.
Setting (8) – Your intricate layout of the dinner and introductory posts did a very good job of setting the location. There were times, however, when your focus on the dishes were too in-depth and ended up detracting from the greater story.
Pacing (7) – Very smooth pacing between posts. There were two real issues that dropped this category. One, as mentioned in setting, there were times when your food commentary went too in-depth and disrupted the flow of the story. This should be a conversation scene, not a recitation of what I’m getting off the menu. Second, there were several times when one post ended and the next post began mid-conversation. A natural ending point to a post shouldn’t be in between thoughts of the same discussion. Use other incidents or things to break up the space between posts.
Character: (21)
Communication (8) – Perhaps the strongest part of this thread, your discourse between characters really showcased both of their personalities. The limiting factor here is that at times the characters’ voices weren’t distinct, blending into one another.
Action (6) – While what your characters did in this thread was clearly defined, there wasn’t much in this thread that really caught my attention as a reader and engrossed me in the story. There was little conflict in the thread after Mordelain’s initial hesitance to join Suresh for dinner, which detracted from the thread in the long run.
Persona (7) – There was some decent character development in the thread, and you definitely portrayed your characters through the way they preceded throughout the thread. What you needed, to get a higher score in this category, would be to put your characters in different situations to allow the diversity within them to come out. Something as simple as a stroll through the arcade or the courtyard between courses would have given you much more opportunity to showcase your characters.
Prose: (19)
Mechanics (6) – A few spelling errors and one instance when you started a paragraph, cut out halfway through, then started the paragraph again below it without deleting the original. Proofreading can help you here.
Clarity (7) – While this thread was pretty solid there were several places where you used terms that were unfamiliar. Remember that a reader shouldn’t have to have read your profile and previous works to fully understand what you’re talking about.
Technique (6) – You had several areas where you wrote in the passive voice and it hindered the flow of your thread. Further, look at your word choice and try not to double up on actions in the same sentence. “He had taken … her guilt by taking …”
Wildcard: (5)
Total: 65
Mordelain receives 975 exp and 130 gp.
Spoils denied as no actual route was discovered during this thread.
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