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Thread: AC: Round 3 - Zack Blaze

  1. #11
    Member
    EXP: 34,842, Level: 7
    Level completed: 99%, EXP required for next level: 158
    Level completed: 99%,
    EXP required for next level: 158
    GP
    15,835
    Zack Blaze's Avatar

    Name
    Zack Blaze
    Age
    19
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Blonde
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    6'0'' 170 lbs
    Job
    Manipulator

    He opened his eyes, a smell of incense wafting through the air. He could see Stern sitting in his chair, his graying hair a mess atop his head. The youth kneeled down silently, grabbing the chains that once held him in place, and slowly approached his target. As he inched closer towards Kenneth stern, Zack could clearly make out a different figure in each of the portals lying before the adventure.

    The first portal held an image of the nun Inwuhou, a girl that had aided Zack in the first round of the tournament, and apparently the only other person in his first round team to advance this far. Zack remembered the kindness that the nun had showed him, giving someone as untrustworthy as him the benefit of the doubt, and listening carefully to each instruction the teen had barked out.

    The second pool revealed Elijah Belov, Zack’s partner for the second round and a powerful mage in his own right. During their encounter, Elijah had been suffering from doubts due to a prophecy that the pagoda master had seen earlier. It was Zack Blaze, of all people, who had riled up the spirit of the fighter again, causing the two of them to advance to the places they were now.

    The last person in the last portal was a female, and an elf judging from her pointy ears. Zack had never encountered her, but he had thought about how her perception of him would be if she was the first to get through to Stern’s chambers, the tournament host laying on the ground dead and his blood over the chains in Zack’s hands.

    He kneeled down once more, softly lowering the chains connected at his ankles to the ground so as to not alert Stern. He stood once more; grabbing each side of the chain still connected to his left wrist, and lifted the metal up in the air. A fierce determination was in the teen’s eyes, though his hands were shaking from his own doubts. Could he really do this; strangle an old man while he watched his tournament unfold?

    “I wouldn’t do that if I were in your position, Blaze,” Stern broke the stiff silence of the room, his head turning towards the youth. Zack froze in place, the chain still in his hands, his eyes wide with a growing fear. Stern stood up, his gaze never leaving the form of the street fighter. There was a serious look in his eyes despite the bags that had formed under them, and the wrinkles that were starting to slowly form on his face. The Adventurer of Adventurers and the Underwood Hero stood not a foot from one another, their eyes locked in a staring contest of sorts.

    “You kept me in a dungeon Stern,” Zack said, though his words sounded more like he was trying to justify his actions, “left me there, a prisoner until your tournament was over. You let me starve; let my throat get dry until I was ready to die, left me weak and fragile. All because you have some sort of deep rooted fear of me…” His hands shook the chain now, though now they shook from anger rather than fear.

    “Is that what you think?” Stern spoke, straightening up, a tower of a man when compared to Zack, “That I had you in there because I feared you? Don’t make me laugh, whelp,” Stern cracked his knuckles and his posture relaxed despite his standing tall. “I had you in there as a test. Much like the time I had to escape the jail cells of an underground Salvar cult, I decided that you’d be suited to roughly the same conditions. And whats this about being thirsty and hungry? I came down every day to feed and water you myself!”

    Zack threw the chain down now, Stern’s lies getting the better of him. “Bull! Ceidon got me a drink, and Itera got me food! Makai gave me hope, and I had to earn my spirit back! Roberto freed me from the chains you put me in! You really think I’ll buy that this whole ordeal –was- my final?!” Zack spit on the ground in disgust, as if he had just swallowed something bad.

    “Boy, Ceidon Lore and Itera haven’t even been on this island for a couple of days. When I found you after Round 2, your wounds from fighting that orc had taken their toll. I knew if you woke up, you’d be ready to go at it again, so I restrained you and took care of you. I fed you rabbit stew each day, forced you to drink despite being unconscious, and made sure you weren’t going to die on us before I could see what you could do!” Stern snarled now, an obvious rage in the old man building for him as much as it had for Zack.

    Normally, Zack would not have believed such a story, but something Stern had said struck a chord in the boy. Rabbit stew… he knew the exact food Itera fed me… could it be that I hallucinated her and Ceidon the entire time? Then, did I hallucinate Makai and Roberto as well? No…that’s not possible, that’s…. Zack’s body recoiled on instinct as the much faster Stern was on him in a heartbeat, grabbing the shackles at his ankles. Zack quickly went down to try and punch the geezer, but paused when he caught a slight glimmer of something. With a quick clicking sound, the shackles fell to the ground harmlessly, Stern standing up and doing the same with the shackle at Zack’s wrist.

    “I’m more concerned about that business of yours,” Stern said, an eyebrow rose cautiously at the tense Zack, “From what I gather, your people appear to be heroes, but some further investigating has led me to believe otherwise. I don’t like the idea of handing you any of my artifacts with the knowledge that you’ll be using them to enslave Althanas for Misery Business, but you have played by the rules, so…”

    Zack opened his mouth, ready to explain that he would not use the items on behalf of Misery Business, but for his own self-gain. The youth stopped however, when Stern began to walk back over to the chair, nudging for Zack to follow. The boy complied, mostly out of fear of the speedy warrior before him, and walked to the front of the throne-like seat.

    In one arm sat the grand prize; the book that everybody had been seeking so obsessively. Just under it, on the same chair arm, was the metal orb, the one that could take shape to whatever the user wished. In the opposite arm stood a simple black hole, and a stone. Zack had heard of all of these prizes; saw the usefulness in each of them. Stern looked back to the boy, a smile now painted across his aging features.

    “Well then, Zack, I’ll let you have first pick. Once you decide on something, you can’t change your mind. Choose wisely Blaze. Your decision could very well shape the world of Althanas, much like a choice I had made many years ago…” Stern began to trail off, reveling in his memories. Zack, meanwhile, eyed each prize, wicked thoughts passing through his head on how he could use each one. However, since he was only able to pick one, Zack had one thing left to do…

    He had to concentrate.

    ((Last post, Zack’s decision laying solely in whatever I’m placed, though this post alone probably cost me the entire tournament. Great job running this Rev, can’t wait til next time!))
    That's exactly what I'm talking about! You sound like a self-help book! I don't know if you're going to try to hit me or charge me $99 for your seminar! ~ Benimaru Nikaido to Ryo Sakazaki

  2. #12
    Member
    EXP: 91,535, Level: 13
    Level completed: 11%, EXP required for next level: 12,465
    Level completed: 11%,
    EXP required for next level: 12,465
    GP
    6,985
    Revenant's Avatar

    Name
    William Arcus
    Age
    Mid-30's (apparent age)
    Race
    Revenant
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black Stubble
    Eye Color
    Molten Fire
    Build
    5'11"/178lbs
    Job
    Freelance Murder Machine

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    Plot: (15)

    Storytelling (5) – All of the required prompts were completed for round 3. I appreciated the twist at the end of this story which kept this thread from being predictable and clichéd. You did a good job taking this round and using it in a unique way that was completely different from the other competitors.

    Setting (5) – While there were some good visuals throughout the thread, there was a good deal of it that was glossed over. Outside of the “jail” cell that Zack woke in, there was little personality to the rest of the castle.

    Pacing (5) – The ending of this thread really pushed the pacing score. Until the last two posts the thread was progressing in a stable rhythm. The last two posts however were not only conducted too quickly, but they also made the earlier posts of Zack meeting his associates feel very drawn out.

    Character: (17)

    Communication (5) – For someone whose character is notoriously crooked and manipulating, Zack sure seems to take everything that comes at him at face value. I’m unsure whether this flaw is an intentional one or just happens to have come about due to the nature of the thread. If it was intentional, as in if Zack is so overconfident that he believes no one can possibly lie to him, then you need to play that angle up a bit more.

    Action (5) – While the repeated use of the “concentrate” mantra was effective in giving me the impression that the encounters Zack was having were figments of his imagination and yet for some reason it never clicked that the food and water being given to him were real. The fantasy/reality dichotomy can be somewhat difficult to subtly foreshadow and you did a well enough job of it but, as I said, it never really clicked like it should have.

    Persona (7) – I appreciated the backstory that Zack delved into and the depth that it added to his character. For the first time I was able to see that his demeanor might be nothing more than a persona adopted by a sad, lonely young man to protect himself from a harsh world. Zack might not even truly realize it, having worn the mask for so long, which would make for an excellent point of character development further down the road. There is a lot of potential here for the character and it’s done subtly enough that it doesn’t bludgeon the reader.

    Prose: (18)

    Mechanics (7) – There were a few errors here and there, but overall a clean thread.

    Clarity (6) – The dichotomy of what was real in this thread and what was a figment of Zack’s fevered mind could have been better polished. I could certainly get the outlines of what you were going for, but it wasn’t sharp enough to stick with me at the reveal without having to go back and see exactly where you were laying things out.

    Technique (5) – This was the type of thread that would have seriously benefitted from elements of foreshadowing on the twist at the end. It also left me questioning exactly what was supposed to be real and what was not. Ceidon and Itera were figments conjured by Zack’s cloudy mind but were Makai and Roberto supposed to be?

    Wildcard: (5)

    Total: 55

    Zack Blaze receives 756 exp and 110 gp.
    "I have looked upon all that the universe has to hold of horror, and even the skies of spring and the flowers of summer must ever afterward be poison to me." - Call of Cthulhu

    David vs. Goliath: History's first recorded critical hit.
    JC Thread - The Bitter King

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