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Thread: Falling Into Shadows, Chapter 1

  1. #1
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    Abbie
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    Falling Into Shadows, Chapter 1

    Out of Character:
    Please note that this is an actual chapter from the book I am writing. Feedback or constructive criticism is welcomed.


    Sweat trickled slowly along her hairline, the moisture adding to her discomfort. She wiped her heart-shaped face absently with a grimy sleeve, either unaware or not caring about the dark streak of grease left in its wake. Surrounded by the chaos of a factory in mid-shift, Jaunie was focused solely on her task, her thoughts drowning out the din of clinks, clangs, and raised voices. By now the loud hum of the machinery in operation was simply white noise. Before her, strewn across the unfinished work bench, were several pieces of a printing press.

    Worry creased her forehead, the serious expression wildly at odds with her youthful features. Wide, intelligent eyes the color of leaves in sunshine, framed by long, dark lashes, examined each part for damage with great care. Dark streaks of dirt, used grease and various shades of ink stained her pale cheeks, still slightly rounded with the last vestiges of youth. Absently she chewed on the inside of her full, bow-shaped lips, drawing the corners inward in a habitual expression of deep concentration.

    Lifting a tension roller in her hand, she tested it by twisting it around the axel. With a quick, loud screech, she felt a grinding against the inner casing, dragging the motion to a halt. Setting it down, she leaned forward onto her hands and released a sigh of frustration. Without further examination, she was certain that the fragile steel ball bearings had been worn down, and a few had shattered, rendering the whole press useless. Even after we get the parts, this will take hours to put back together… Unease knotted her stomach, nauseating her, as she considered the task of explaining to her employer why no printing could be done for the next few days as the new parts were ordered and smithed, and the press rebuilt and recalibrated. That would mean thousands of books unprinted, countless orders late or unfulfilled, and certain monetary loss. Such news weighed heavily on the young girl, who knew that many would be without income for nearly a week while the press was being repaired, from the operators to the page boys. And who knew how deeply this could cut into the factory's reputation?

    Taking a shaky breath, she looked out a nearby window to gauge the time. The first sun, Stern, was sinking into the west, wrapping the city in a soft amber glow. Ignus had set hours ago, and the darkness of early evening would not be long in coming. By now many of the factories and related crafters had begun to close up for the night, leaving her no way of placing an order until the next morning.

    Suddenly weary beyond her fifteen years, Jaunie picked up the tension roller and searched for the balding head of Mr. Bernard. She knew from experience that he would prefer to hear the bad news sooner rather than later. Having worked at the factory for just over one year, she had been guided through the ranks by the old man who took great care in educating her. She knew every inch of every machine, and felt personally responsible for every mishap, took to heart every consequence.

    Catching sight of him, she slipped away from her bench, weaving through the crowded factory floor with the ease of youth and familiarity. Solemnly, she tapped on his shoulder, dipping her head with respect as he turned to face her. His dark eyes, the color of rich soil, were bright and alert behind his thick rimless spectacles as he assessed her sharply in a single glance. He wore a neatly trimmed goatee and shock of snow white hair circled a large bald spot and framed his well-wrinkled face. Despite not being very tall by any standard, he still stood about a head over Jaunie, who was just coming into her last growth spurt before reaching full maturity. Though he had never told her, he was very fond of the girl, and considered her to be the granddaughter with whom he had never been blessed. He was also impressed by her passion and dedication to the job, and her natural mechanical ability.

    "What can I do for you, my dear?" he yelled over the noise, his eyes the only hint at his inward smile.

    "I have some bad news, Mr. Bernard," she began, her voice also raised. Despite her attempt to appear calm and competent, she shook slightly and her voice quavered with nervousness. His bushy eyebrow lifted heavenward quizzically, prompting her to continue. "The ball bearings in this roller have shattered, and we can't run press three without it." Lifting the tube in her hand, she twisted it around the axel again with the same unpleasant result. "The paper won't run through properly at best, or will jam and tear at worst. Even if I can order another one in the morning, it will take at least three days to craft, and another to put back together." She dropped her hands, but kept them wrapped around the shaft as they dangled in front of her hips.

    The old man's brow drew into a thoughtful scowl as he pondered the information. Folding his arms across his chest, he did not speak for a long moment before he nodded acceptance. "Thank you, Jaunie. You can go for now – it's getting late. Please make sure to place the order with Killian before you come in tomorrow, and let me know what he has to say." With that he turned away and returned to his previous survey of the factory as it closed down for the evening. Understanding the dismissal, the girl turned on her heel and made her way to the exit, intent on getting home as quickly as possible.


    ~*~


    Shivering slightly after a cold shower, Jaunie dressed herself quickly in a careworn and bland but tidy brown dress, and a clean white apron. Heated water was a luxury she could not afford. After toweling her dark hair with a threadbare hand cloth, she inspected her image in the small round mirror hanging above the washbasin. Her heart-shaped face was pale and delicate compared to the midnight-black tresses that hung in limp, wet strands to her shoulders on either side. The stark contrast only served to accentuate the bright forest green of her eyes, the natural pink of her lips. A slight dimple in her chin broke the angles of her face, adding softness to her features. She did not see herself as lovely, or even attractive, but was merely grateful for the ability to appear clean and neat after her work at the printing shop.

    Despite the tarnish spots and rusted edges, she was able to see well enough to comb her hair into a presentable ponytail, tied low at the nape of her neck with a bit of twine. Though the fashion was to wear waist-length curls and finger waves, she did not have the luxuries of long hair nor time. As it stood, she had only begun to grow her hair out from a pageboy style over the last two years, and it was just now brushing her shoulder blades.

    Satisfied that her locks were sufficiently restrained, she gathered her threadbare hand-me-down wool cloak – dyed black to cover the myriad stains from years of use and abuse – from the hook on her bedroom door and tossed it over her shoulders, securing it at her throat with a straight pin and a bit of used candle wax. By then it was quarter 'til 6th mark, and she was running short on time. She scrawled a quick note on leftover parchment from the factory using charcoal rescued from the fireplace: Ravi, I'm off to the inn, off at 10th mark. ~Jaunie. Tucking it into the door as she closed it, she turned the lock and tucked her copy of the key into the pocket of her skirts.

    In a flurry of motion, her feet padding quietly on the stairs, she made her way down two flights to the alley and into the street. The flat she shared was above a small, popular tailor; but due to the late hour, there was very little traffic outside. As the evening faded into darkness, men and women with long poles walked up and down the lanes lighting oil lamps, illuminating the area dully, stretching the shadows of the alleyways and adding a nightmarish quality to them. Jaunie had never quite gotten used to the city at night, but marched on resolutely toward her goal, the Golden Stag Inn.
    Remember, truth is gained through experience and hard work. In other words, don't ask me!

    Abbie's Art Stuff | Falling Into Shadows Chapter 1
    The only level 0 in history to have a fan club

    It's Only Love - Closed w/ Mordelain



  2. #2
    Member
    EXP: 160, Level: 1
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    Level completed: 8%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,840
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    Name
    Illa K. Cenata
    Age
    28
    Race
    Lifedrinker
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Golden Blonde
    Eye Color
    Slate Grey
    Build
    5'2" / 102 lb
    Job
    Vagabond

    Surrounded by the chaos of a factory in mid-shift, Jaunie was focused solely on her task, her thoughts drowning out the din of clinks, clangs, and raised voices.
    Perhaps instead "Though surrounded by the clinks, hums, clangs, and voices of a factory in mid-shift, Jaunie's focus on her task drowned out the din."
    (Removed "raised" because "adjective noun" mismatches pattern "noun" in list.)

    By now the loud hum of the machinery in operation was simply white noise.
    Remove entirely. Reason: redundant

    Before her, strewn across the unfinished work bench, were several pieces of a printing press.
    Perhaps instead "Several pieces of a printing press were strewn across the unfinished work bench before her." for flow. I am confused as to what an "unfinished" work bench looks like, other than "unuseable".
    EDIT Ah. In that case, you should write it as "the bench's unfinished wooden surface" or "the unfinished wood of the bench" somewhere else.

    Dark streaks of dirt, used grease, and various shades of ink stained her pale cheeks, which were still slightly rounded with the last vestiges of youth.
    Comma added for list. "Which" added to clarify that second phrase modifies "cheeks", the object of the first phrase, rather than "streaks", the subject of the first phrase.

    She chewed absently on the inside of her full, bow-shaped lips, drawing the corners inward in a expression of deep concentration.
    Adverb moved for tighter association with modified verb. "habitual" removed because it starts a branch of explaining her habits which goes nowhere. Can be handled later in a more thorough manner.

    Lifting a tension roller in her hand, she tested it by twisting it around the axel.
    Consider instead "She lifted a tension roller in her hand and tested it by twisting it around the axel."

    With a quick, loud screech, she felt a grinding against the inner casing, dragging the motion to a halt.
    Consider instead "She felt a grinding against the inner casing and heard a loud screech; the motion came to a halt."

    Setting it down, she leaned forward onto her hands and released a sigh of frustration.
    Consider instead "She set it down, leaned forward into her hands, and released a sigh of frustration.[/quote] I mean, she's not doing the leaning and sighing while setting it down.

    Without further examination...
    Remove entirely. The phrase suggests that she might find something different (rather than in addition) if she examines further, which means that she shouldn't be certain of her diagnosis.

    Even after we get the parts, this will take hours to put back together…
    Add paragraph break before and after, and consider italicizing to indicate thought.

    ... as the new parts were ordered and smithed, and the press rebuilt and recalibrated.
    Consider instead "while the new parts were ordered, smithed, and installed before the press can be rebuilt and recalibrated."

    ...certain monetary loss.
    Consider "financial" instead of "monetary".

    ...while the press was being repaired...
    Remove "being" for redundancy. Recall that "was" and "being" are both forms of the word "is".

    Taking a shaky breath, she looked out a nearby window to gauge the time.
    Consider instead "She took a shaky breath and looked out a nearby window to gauge the time."

    Ignus had set hours ago, and the darkness of early evening would not be long in coming.
    Excess comma.

    By now many of the factories and related crafters had begun to close up for the night...
    Replace "begun to close up" with "closed up". The idea is that they had already closed, not that you can still barge in.

    She knew every inch of every machine, and felt personally responsible for every mishap, took to heart every consequence.
    Move the "and" to before "took" for correct list formatting.

    Catching sight of him, she slipped away from her bench, weaving through the crowded factory floor with the ease of youth and familiarity.
    Consider instead "She soon caught sight of him and slipped away from her bench to weave through the crowded factory floor with the ease of familiarity and the agility of youth."

    Solemnly, she tapped on his shoulder...
    Consider instead "She tapped solemnly on his shoulder..."

    Though he had never told her, he was very fond of the girl, and considered her to be the granddaughter with whom he had never been blessed. He was also impressed by her passion and dedication to the job, and her natural mechanical ability.
    Entirely wrong context to put this information. Remove and save for somewhere else that is more fitting. For example, you can put it right after he smiles at her. The key here is that this is thought and behavioral information but the rest of the paragraph is physical information.

    Shivering slightly... print shop.
    Remove this paragraph entirely. You have already dedicated most of two paragraphs initially to physical description. The only thing added here was hair description, which can easily merged into the first paragraph by noting how the hair was matted to her sweaty skin.

    Despite the tarnish spots and rusted edges...
    Add "mirror's" for clarity.

    ...using charcoal rescued from the fireplace...
    Charcoal? In a fireplace? It's a strange fuel to be using in it and a fireplace doesn't seem like it would produce much serviceable charcoal on account of not being an oxygen-deprived environment.

    Ravi, I'm off to the inn, off at 10th mark. ~Jaunie.
    Italicize and add paragraph breaks.

    Tucking it into the door as she closed it, she turned the lock and tucked her copy of the key into the pocket of her skirts.
    Consider instead "She tucked it into the door as she closed it, then turned the lock and pocketed her keys."

    In a flurry of motion, her feet padding quietly on the stairs, she made her way down two flights to the alley and into the street.
    Consider instead "Her feet padded quietly down two flights of stairs, through the alley, and into the street."

    The flat she shared was above a small, popular tailor; but due to the late hour, there was very little traffic outside.
    Consider instead "The flat she shared was above a small, popular tailor; only at this late hour was there a dearth of traffic."

    As the evening faded into darkness, men and women with long poles walked up and down the lanes lighting oil lamps, illuminating the area dully, stretching the shadows of the alleyways and adding a nightmarish quality to them.
    Consider instead "As darkness descended, the lamp-lighters made their passes; the dull, oily light stretched the shadows of the alleyways and added a nightmarish quality to them."

    EDIT: Added comments from later post
    Here's what those sentence look like without using "she" to start it.

    Lifting a tension roller in her hand, she tested it by twisting it around the axel.
    Consider instead "Her hands lifted a tension roller and tested it with an axel twist."

    With a quick, loud screech, she felt a grinding against the inner casing, dragging the motion to a halt.
    Consider instead "A grinding against the inner casing came shocked her fingers and a loud screech pierced her ears; the motion came to a halt."

    Setting it down, she leaned forward onto her hands and released a sigh of frustration.
    Consider instead "The tension roller dropped heavily back onto the table, accompanied by a frustrated sigh from her.[/quote]

    he phrase suggests that she might find something different (rather than in addition) if she examines further, which means that she shouldn't be certain of her diagnosis.

    Taking a shaky breath, she looked out a nearby window to gauge the time.
    Consider instead "One shaky breath cleared her mind before she looked out a nearby window to gauge the time."

    Catching sight of him, she slipped away from her bench, weaving through the crowded factory floor with the ease of youth and familiarity.
    Consider instead "After catching sight of his bald head, she slipped away from her bench to weave through the crowded factory floor with the ease of familiarity and the agility of youth."

    Solemnly, she tapped on his shoulder...
    Consider instead "A solemn tap on his shoulder..."

    Tucking it into the door as she closed it, she turned the lock and tucked her copy of the key into the pocket of her skirts.
    Consider instead "The note found a home tucked into the door, waving gently in the breeze as she turned the lock and pocketed the keys."

    General Commentary
    You have a habit of misusing the format "While Xing, Y" which is appropriate if X gives a proper context to interpret Y. For example, consider the difference between "Eating breakfast, she drank some milk." and "Waking up, she took a shower." You have a habit of using it to try to express a temporal sequence of events. For example, consider "Lifting her hammer, she pounded the nail." and compare the alternative "She lifted the hammer and pounded the nail." or "She lifted the hammer, then pounded the nail."
    Last edited by absentwizard; 11-06-12 at 12:56 PM.

  3. #3
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    Abbie's Avatar

    Name
    Abbie
    Age
    Apparent: 17-ish, True: unknown
    Race
    Pooka (Changeling)
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Red with gold highlights
    Eye Color
    Deep Sea Green
    Build
    5'3", 115 lbs.
    Job
    Cat Burglar (get it? cat? XD)

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    Thank you very much, absentwizard! I really appreciate the time and effort you put into reading and offering suggestions for my first chapter! Many of the suggestions you made I will likely implement.

    Perhaps instead "Several pieces of a printing press were strewn across the unfinished work bench before her." for flow. I am confused as to what an "unfinished" work bench looks like, other than "unuseable".
    When talking about wood, unfinished means that it was never polished, varnished, stained, or painted, sometimes not even sanded.

    You have a habit of misusing the format "While Xing, Y" which is appropriate if X gives a proper context to interpret Y. For example, consider the difference between "Eating breakfast, she drank some milk." and "Waking up, she took a shower." You have a habit of using it to try to express a temporal sequence of events. For example, consider "Lifting her hammer, she pounded the nail." and compare the alternative "She lifted the hammer and pounded the nail." or "She lifted the hammer, then pounded the nail."
    I have this habit, yes, but only because having a seven-sentence paragraph with every sentence beginning with "She ___" is obnoxious at best. I try to vary the sentence openings, that is all. If you have suggestions for that, I would love to hear them.
    Last edited by Abbie; 11-06-12 at 12:42 PM.
    Remember, truth is gained through experience and hard work. In other words, don't ask me!

    Abbie's Art Stuff | Falling Into Shadows Chapter 1
    The only level 0 in history to have a fan club

    It's Only Love - Closed w/ Mordelain



  4. #4
    Member
    EXP: 160, Level: 1
    Level completed: 8%, EXP required for next level: 1,840
    Level completed: 8%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,840
    GP
    375


    Name
    Illa K. Cenata
    Age
    28
    Race
    Lifedrinker
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Golden Blonde
    Eye Color
    Slate Grey
    Build
    5'2" / 102 lb
    Job
    Vagabond

    Sure. Here's what those sentence look like without using "she" to start it.

    Lifting a tension roller in her hand, she tested it by twisting it around the axel.
    Consider instead "Her hands lifted a tension roller and tested it with an axel twist."

    With a quick, loud screech, she felt a grinding against the inner casing, dragging the motion to a halt.
    Consider instead "A grinding against the inner casing came shocked her fingers and a loud screech pierced her ears; the motion came to a halt."

    Setting it down, she leaned forward onto her hands and released a sigh of frustration.
    Consider instead "The tension roller dropped heavily back onto the table, accompanied by a frustrated sigh from her.[/quote]

    he phrase suggests that she might find something different (rather than in addition) if she examines further, which means that she shouldn't be certain of her diagnosis.

    Taking a shaky breath, she looked out a nearby window to gauge the time.
    Consider instead "One shaky breath cleared her mind before she looked out a nearby window to gauge the time."

    Catching sight of him, she slipped away from her bench, weaving through the crowded factory floor with the ease of youth and familiarity.
    Consider instead "After catching sight of his bald head, she slipped away from her bench to weave through the crowded factory floor with the ease of familiarity and the agility of youth."

    Solemnly, she tapped on his shoulder...
    Consider instead "A solemn tap on his shoulder..."

    Tucking it into the door as she closed it, she turned the lock and tucked her copy of the key into the pocket of her skirts.
    Consider instead "The note found a home tucked into the door, waving gently in the breeze as she turned the lock and pocketed the keys."

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