Unserenity (Genre Shift Vignette)

[Duffy]

The doorway came out into a balcony that encompassed the entire bay. Down below, over watched by gangways and observation decks, the ship’s precious cargo awaited delivery crews and clients. The bay itself dropped into the thick lower plating of the outer hull, readily deployable onto loading vessels and freight wagons the moment they docked or made planet fall. It was a functional, precise, and brilliant design.

He approached on a wide vector, taking the extra time it brought him to analyse every manhole, every bulkhead, and every lock mechanism on each of the crates in the manifest. If there was anything obvious amiss, then he was in more trouble than he thought.

He doubted Rayse would be so obvious.

“Hmmm,” he mumbled.

Nor did he think that Leopold was so foolish.

“Not a thing…” he said wistfully. He sounded disappointment. His instincts, though keen, had let him down. He leant against the nearest crate to compose himself. He was still aching from the somewhat frivolous encounter with Sei’s quartermaster, aches that would take many weeks to fade. The man had a solid right hook, though any man made of metal had to know how to use it.

Striding wistfully across the thick grating of the cargo bay, Duffy adjusted his wrist so that the strap around his middle finger tightened. The electrical current ran up his arm and told him the A.R.I.A had remained active. The flux that followed signalled to the A.I system that it was to remain on standby. A little trill sounded in his cochlea comm device to acknowledge the request.

“Ruby,” he said, “give me strength…” he closed his eyes and pictured the buxom redhead in all her glory. She smiled at him, in the twilight, and pointed nowhere in particular.

He opened his eyes and stomped a boot impatiently. He was running out of time. He began to sing an old mariner’s song.

“Clear and blue with endless awe,
Deepest hue and crashing wave,
Cold grey fog and windy sky,
The outraged clash is life’s true grave.

Ocean seabed awash with fish,
A world entirely of its own,
Under exists the magnificent beasts,
Across it the gods have flown.

In it dwells life a bountiful gift,
Across it drifts land and time abound,
Spewing death and crushing hope,
Pray for mercy in the ocean’s sound.”

In the serenity of space, the Prima Vista was about to come quite undone.

[Otto]

I didn't get a judgement format preference, so I hope this isn't all a bit long-winded. That said, enjoy!

Plot: 23/30

Storytelling: 8/10

Your writing really pulled me into the story, and it speaks of your experience and skill. Simply put, it remained interesting throughout, always gave me something new, and does a good job of paving the way for a follow-up. Given that you are following up, I think that you could have laid off the exposition on Ruby and Leopold’s relationship. Alluding to it would be another hook to pull readers along, and provide something for you to reveal over time. One more thing: I think the story would have benefited from playing on the gravity of what Duffy is about to do just a little more, particularly by further fleshing out Rayse’s reputation (perhaps by referring to some prior instance of the man’s retribution?). I’m not sure that I’m left in quite as much suspense as you had hoped me to be.

Setting: 7/10

The ship seems austere – there’s no money to be spared for luxuries, and she’s running just a little rough around the edges. I think you’ve described that quite well, with remarks about the cost of fuel, describing the Spartan furnishings of the office and a few other bits and pieces. But surely you could have worked on describing the space outside the ship, as well? The cosmos as a setting is a remarkably powerful tool, if you can implement it well enough. I also have the feeling that the ship should feel like home to the three characters which you follow (Duffy, Leopold and Lillith), but it just doesn’t. Not quite. Perhaps you could add a few homely touches – an empty, stained mug in the engine room, or some graffiti in an out-of-the-way spot of the ship. It was nice to see some interaction with the setting, too. However, there was a bit of room for improvement – can they feel a change in momentum as the combustion engine comes online? Did the steam force Duffy to stumble blindly along, hot enough to make him duck and weave his way around the plumes?

Pacing: 8/10

You set a nice and snappy pace, tweaking it here and there, where required, in order to supplement the sudden alarm of Leopold finding someone in his office, and the drawn-out tension between Lillith and Duffy in the undercroft. My only real qualm here is that the ending was a little too quick. Duffy is about to do a momentous thing, and it deserved a little more build-up to that point.


Character: 22/30

Communication: 7/10

You had a really good dynamic going on between Duffy and Lillith, although the one between the former and Leopold wasn’t quite so well-conveyed (granted, they didn’t have quite as much time together). The dialogue seemed genuine and varied nicely. Unfortunately, Leopold came off a little flat. To be honest, he didn’t seem like much of a captain, but I look forward to you expanding on the character in future instalments. Apart from that, there were a few things under ‘mechanics’ which confounded your attempts in this area, so please give that a read.

Action: 8/10

Good use of body language and activity (Duffy skipping along, Lillith fiddling with the engines while they talked, Leopold instinctively reaching for his gun, etc.) to convey the characters’ personalities. It also kept your posts from stagnating, and lent them life. I’m not sure there was anything really outstanding, although that moment where Duffy reaches out a hand (post 7) struck me as profound. One or two more instances of that, and I think you’d have deserved a ‘9’ here.

Persona: 7/10

“The game was on”. Your writing was full of voice (such as that example, post 6), dependant on the character(s) you were involved with. Between that and Duffy’s habit of quoting his favourite (literature? Theatre? Opera? Film? I’m sorry, but I’m a little uneducated in this area), you really fleshed out that aspect of relentless optimism in the man – which further served to highlight an underlying sense of, for lack of a better word, melancholy. It’s just a shame that Lillith and Leopold’s characters weren’t quite as well-displayed in this thread.


Prose: 21/30

Mechanics: 7/10

First things first, there were a few outright errors in this area. Nothing much, but certainly a bit of a mixture. There were a few typos, such as “bowls” for ‘bowels’ (post 2), “beureaucracy” for ‘bureaucracy’ (post 3; that word’s even worse than ‘Raiaera’, but as far as my research indicates, ‘bureau-’ is the correct spelling), “piece” for ‘peace” and “The” for ‘then’ (both in post 9). In a couple of instances, compound words were more applicable – for example, ‘undercroft’ (post 7), ‘overwatched’ and ‘planet-fall’ (post 11).

As for other things mechanics, you had some good, and some bad. I saw a bit of redundancy, such as “paused hesitantly” (post 9; just ‘hesitated’ works at least as well, and is more succinct – though this may be simply a matter of opinion), and “replied with lighting wit” (post 6). In the latter, I think it would have worked well as a form of sarcasm, but that doesn’t seem to be how it was used.

Several of your sentences and turn of phrase were awkward. In post 6, you wrote: “In the first few weeks of his arrival on the freighter, Lillith had been the one shining ray of hope amongst a grim crowd of blinding lights”. I don’t quite get it – the metaphor means light (shining ray) is good, but... also bad (blinding lights)? The sentences in post 7, describing the whiskey, probably would have flowed better if you linked them via conjunctions. Also, post 8: “‘Thanks,’ she said, when she took it, and drained its last dregs, and handed it back”, is just a bit clumsy.

Last of all, some of your word usage is a bit questionable. With the “beureaucracy” example given above, ‘bureaucratic’ seems more fitting in the syntax of the sentence. Describing the noise of the engine as a “calamity” in post 9 also seems a little off; the word ‘cacophony’ comes to mind, instead (‘calamity’ makes me think that the thing is about to blow up). Finally, “whelped with drowned surprise” (post 10); ‘to whelp’ means to give birth, so did you mean ‘yelped’, or maybe even ‘whelped drowned surprise”, as in ‘bore surprise’?

All this is not to say, in any way at whatsoever, that your writing was poor. You had a wonderful turn of phrase when you wanted to – such as the risky “dark light of the corridor” which, while it seems a contradiction, for some reason gave me a powerful image of the environment, and “... tickling exquisite jewels” actually made me want to giggle. So, just be wary of a few typos which your spellchecker won’t pick up on, and I would actually encourage you to keep taking risks with your wording, as I’m sure you’ll only improve with practice.

Clarity: 7/10

Mostly, very clear. Some exceptions were brought about, mostly by the errors listed listed above in mechanics (I’m really sorry about all that text). Another thing which was a little muddled was the relationship between Scara Brae’s empire (is it Scara Brae’s empire? Or is that just where she was executed, and does the Corone empire exist here?) and this church.

Technique: 7/10

A solid effort. For this thread, there is certainly room for a bit more foreshadowing of events to come, and maybe some more symbolism (I did quite like the bit about the red upholstery on the chair being the only bit of colour in Leopold’s office – a reference to Ruby Winchester and her hair, perhaps?).


Wildcard: 9/10
Kudos to you – you translated characters, setting and story over to a new universe beautifully, and peppered it with (I’m guessing) some Alistair Reynolds, a good dose of Firefly, and perhaps a pinch of Mass Effect – but without being derivative of any of those. Thoroughly enjoyable.


Total: 73/100

Duffy Bracken receives 1850 Nexus Points.

[Letho]

NP added.