Gaolhouse Rock (closed)

[Aurelianus Drak'shal]

I'm more than happy for Otto to have the sword to track me. Makes for more fun in future.

As for spoils, I think I'm peachy there- I had my fun. I would just like to specify that when I was arrested, and in my subsequent escape I managed to get hold of my beloved coat again. =)

[Mordelain]

Thread Title: Gaolhouse Rock
Judgement Type: Full Rubric, Light Commentary
Participants: Otto, Aurelianus Drak’Shal

Plot ~ 23/30

Story ~ 8/10 – It is not easy, writing a well-crafted story in the Citadel. The very premise of the building undoes most people, as far as creativity is concerned. You both manage to overcome this, and develop a generic training exercise (in itself well thought out), into something bordering on classical rivalry. The use of canon, personal timelines, and a menagerie of interesting, relevant NPC’s was excellent. I would perhaps like to have heard more about why the deployment was happening. Why does the prison need more guards, and a steady cycle of new bodies to keep the inmates in check?

Setting ~ 8/10 – The prison was every bit a character in its own right. You both took time to set out detail. You went beyond ‘sword’ for weaponry, and the prison’s appearance was conjured in a brief, but vivid manner. Quite often, in an attempt to develop writing, writers get lost in heady purple prose and over burdening, irrelevant depth. There was none of that present here, though more utilisation of smell and touch, in particular for Aurelianus’ alcohol and female viewpoint of the world, might have given a more visceral atmosphere to the Gaol house.

Pacing ~ 7/10 – The only comment I can offer her for reflection, is be wary of setting up, and setting out a thread too slowly. When a battle is to follow, it is hard to get the sudden transition into frantic action right. The sense of anticipation and tension building in doing this paid off well throughout the other rubric categories, but failed to reach the quicksilver flow required of the higher score bracket. Be less liberal with the approved bunnying and alternate perspectives between characters instead, as an alternative. I appreciate you worked together in your replies, and it shows in the quality of the writing.

Character ~ 25/30

Communication ~ 9/10 – You forewent mechanical accuracy for colloquialism, dialect, and mood. It paid off, brilliantly, and I wish to commend you for the characterisation subtly laced into every word spoken. Otto musters an excellent supporting cast, with every bit the military gab I would expect from hardened veterans. Aurelianus’ manages to speak as if you wanted to punch him in the face, never mind about what he does to make you hate him. He is cocksure, demure, and arrogant, but in a way that seems suited to him, and not artificial. Otto’s duty over self-serving need to follow orders, and his viewpoint towards his colleagues is clear as day, and short of an over reliance on slang, and one or two awkward exchanges (often the result of three or more people talking at once), this is an accomplished thread, deserving of a strong score.

Action ~ 7/10 – Solid, concrete, and guttural action brought the thread’s carnal nature to life. A lack of interaction with your surroundings whilst you were fighting, or rather, a conventional use of it hampered any development beyond a seven. I enjoyed every punch, dagger thrust, and bellowing charge from your characters, and you did not forget that action also includes dialogue and tension. You chose to fight with each other with words, goading and jibing, and winding each other up as well, and I enjoyed every bit of the tussle.

Persona ~ 9/10 – Otto and Aurelianus portrayed near flawlessly. There is little else to say about the characters. You know them intuitively, as if they were you given fantastical form. I certainly felt like I was reading some of your own identities in their actions. As a detached reader, they also felt believable. Often, when ourselves become imprinted in our creations they become uninteresting, hollow, and boring (because real life I just that, right?) You would have scored 10/10 in this category without fail had you put as much work into the NPC’s that became prominent in the Gaol house. Put a bit of your souls in them, as well, and that will be reality soon enough.

Prose ~ 20/30

Mechanics ~ 5/10 – Unfortunately, every diamond has a rough edge. In this instance, it boils down to mechanics. Though risks with convention paid off, especially in communication and technique, there were consistent errors throughout that detracted from the overall accomplishment of your thread. Otto has issue with punctuation in dialogue, and Aurelianus has a personalised writing style, but difficulty with clarity and sentence length, structure, and clauses.

Post 1 – name?” He asked - !” this is, and several others in each post. First example requires small H, second requires capital T. When the words following dialogue would normally have a comma/capital, the presence of the ? alternatively ! should be treated as the appropriate mark. So Run away,” he said remains Run away!” he said.

In the first post, a comma might be appropriate after wooden door, post two could be broken down – the paragraph beginning ‘Aurelianus could tell’ especially. Aurelianus has a tendency to punctuate hyphens incorrectly. I appreciate this is perhaps a stylistic preference, but double hyphens do not auto correct when typed into the message board’s input box (if that is the case). Otherwise, please space before and after use. Another obvious error is Otto’s placement of full stops. On the left of the speech mark if you would please, (Post 11).

From then on, it is missed words and generic, forum wide typing error and misreading errors. You both pay attention to American/British conventions respectively, and do not over use italisation and emphasis. Polish up the Citadel-prone speed errors present here, and read over one another’s posts as you work together, and this polished diamond will sparkle soon enough.

Clarity ~ 7/10 – In a thread with so many extras, it would be forgivable to get lost in the crowd. You accomplish clarity and ease of reading, and only come undone with the transitions between posts. Otto’s intrinsically dialogue based writing clashes somewhat with Aurelianus’ internal thought approach. I appreciate this may have come from the battle growing into a co-operative thread, but after you decided to continue in this manner, you may wish to consider, in the future, redrafting together before submission. I particularly found it taxing when the tiefling was fighting. Some difficulty, and only some, came from distinguishing between thought, action, and fact versus fiction.

Technique ~ 8/10 – The first and foremost commendation comes in the form of ‘cool map bro’. I assume it came from the internet (more kudos if it is one of your own). The fact you went further, used a key, and went with that basic plan as you continued was a very solid way to keep everything together. You both know when to ramp style over substance, and both used communication, colloquialism, and slang to inflect background and history into your story. Neither of you have fallen for conventions with your characters, nor am I continuously finding unexplained things in between the expected personalities. I do not feel in a position to offer advice on how to improve, save for looking outside the box in bringing what you are already so good at creating to life in a different manner.

Wildcard: 8/10 – There have been very few Citadel threads on Althanas that I have enjoyed as much as I did Gaolhouse Rock. It showed us how a simple premise like the Citadel can be used to give life to something much more interesting, and every bit as epic as a thread in the conventional manner. You have a solid grasp of character, communication, and persona, and wrapped it up in a well-thought out shell. Save for mechanical error, easily fixed now you both have technique and talent in abundance, I firmly believe this thread is worthy of recommendation, and highlight, as a standout example of Althanas’ best and brightest. Congratulations to you both, I hope to read more of this burgeoning rivalry in the future!

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I would be happy to develop on the points above, or provide more in depth examples based on those notes if requested. cydneyoliver@gmail.com, or my Mordelain inbox are both appropriate avenues to do.

If you have any concerns, doubts, and worries, and do not wish to speak to me directly for whatever reason, then I am sure another member of staff will resolve the matter on your behalf. I am perfectly amenable and open to feedback, as the judge has to develop, as much as the writer put under the scrutiny of the rubric!

Total ~ 76/100

Aurelianus Drak'Shal receives 1350 experience, and 200 gold.

Otto receives 1350 experience, and 200 gold.

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.