Round 3: Champions of Lornius vs. Chivalry and Savagery

[Dissinger]

This fight is over! Judgement Commencing.

[Dissinger]

Champions of Lornius
First time penalty Max Dirks 05-20-13, 09:19 PM, Silence Sei 05-18-13, 06:28 PM
Second time penalty Silence Sei 05-18-13, 06:28 PM, Max Dirks 05-27-13, 07:53 PM

Total -3 to wildcard

Plot 16/30

Story 6/10 – Your story was unfinished, but I can see things were going to split into one huge melee. The problem was, there just wasn’t ENOUGH for me to tell how that would shape up. I can’t in good conscience grade you on what might be. I can only grade you on what is put before me.

Setting 6/10 – Some nods were made towards the setting but for the most part it was rather flat. This improved when Sei took to the air, as the smog gave you some ability to explore the ways setting impacts things. I just didn’t see ENOUGH of the setting.

Pacing 4/10 –A decent pace was set then things suddenly dropped out from under you guys. When you run you force the story to kick into a lower gear. This hurt the pacing as you abruptly change the tempo and force your opponents to deal with the slack. The problem was this hurts your score because it was your writing that slowed the pacing.

Character 15/30

Communication 5/10 – Words fell flat. Actions however helped salvage this as there was a lot of unspoken dialogue between the two of them. From the gestures and shoulder squeezes to the words spoken you had some forms of communication. Not enough for higher than average but at least it was something.

Action 6/10 –Action was the watchword here and while your opponents were confined to the ground you tried to make the most of your maneuverability. While this hurt you in other areas I also have to nod towards the idea that Sei being the tactical genius he is would make use of his full three dimensions.

Persona 4/10 –Sei really pushed the score up here with the little tidbits he threw in. he defined himself as a hero and each little action he took did help his heroism. However he also lost points for the threatening of his teammate. Dirks on the other hand might as well have been a brick wall. I get he’s trying to get Starlynn back, but it was explained. When you define a character it should be by actions AND words.

Prose 18/30

Mechanics 7/10 –One of the benefits of Spartan writing is that there is less opportunities to screw up. However the bigger problem with Spartan writing as that it doesn’t lend itself to the short stories we encourage on the site. While less is more, more is more too.

Clarity 6/10 –Less WTF moments happened in your posts again due to their brevity, but even then things were confusing from the prospect of “why”.

Technique 5/10 –And now your short posts catch up. Shorter posts denote a more hectic pace than I got from this thread and worked against you. More forethought and extrapolation would have been nice.

Wildcard: 3/10 was a 6 for the ideas behind the storyline, but the -3 points in wildcard for time delays hurt you here.

Total 52/100

Chivalry and Savagery
No time penalties, though there was a close call of a few hours.

Plot 16/30

Story 4/10 – Your story was more generic than the opponents. While saving a damsel in distress has been done, I’ve done it in this tournament myself; your story lacked some of the details that could have helped branch off from ye olde diplomatic envoy. Who are you meeting? What do the five Dukedoms stand to gain from this alliance? Why did they send you? Why is Throm there? Why is Throm helping with the negotiations? How did Throm meet our knight? If you have ever read a Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, or Babysitters club book, you come to find they do a quick recap of things over the course of a chapter. Spread out its not obnoxious, and it helps the reader to pick up any book in the series and get the highlights needed. Each thread should follow a similar policy, as I have said constantly in this tournament; I should not need any other thread on this site to understand your character or his motives. Each thread is a fresh start.

Setting 6/10 –You had a bit more going for you with setting in more interaction with the guards as well as the scene unfolding in the elevator. You made me feel like Lornius is a hostile place even to people it decides to “tolerate”. This helped you in the setting department as setting is more than just what’s around you, that’s a backdrop. Setting is people and culture as well.

Pacing 6/10 –Solid pacing as it’s not your fault your opponents ran from the scene. Your attempts to try and bring the fight back were also done quickly so as to keep the thread moving and not drag it out.

Character 18/30

Communication 6/10 – Your characters were good in the communication department. Tusk especially did more in showing his orc savagery and showing why your team name is apt. Glories also did his point in showing he was a knight first and foremost, even if his partner was rubbing off on him. More on this in action, though to score higher here I need you to give me more context clues into why the communication is in character.

Action 6/10 –Action married with character delightfully. I had the feeling of Tusk as this restrained barbarian. Throm is a dog barking on the leash that was just looking for that moment when it frayed and snapped. He showed me a character with little to no patience for civility and used it only so he could move without having to fight the entire way, not that he wouldn’t mind doing so. Jeham showed me the more reserved calm of a man who understands he’s not dealing with a human. He’s dealing with an Orc, and all that entails. While you hit on many Orc stereotypes, you don’t overdo it. For higher scores I need some growth of these characters as well. The shortened thread did you a disservice.

Persona 6/10 –Throm reminds me of my brother in a lot of ways. This is good as it helps me recreate the character in a way I understand. The important part of writing is to make the characters able to be related to, or if you are going opposite, at least make them believable. Jeham however brings the score down slightly as his character fell flat. I didn’t get a lot of him.

Prose 18/30

Mechanics 7/10 – I saw more effort here and it flowed well. High marks for writing that didn’t immediately jar me out of my thoughts of the thread to reread and understand.

Clarity 6/10 – Tusks actions were clear to me and made sense. I wasn’t slowed by you guys. Jeham’s actions while mundane were concise. He glossed over his fighting and the loss of his shield was really the only head scratcher.

Technique 5/10 –The thread wasn’t rife with anything risqué. Your elements were tried true and complete. Challenge yourselves a little. Let’s see some foreshadowing, some alliteration, perhaps a bit of onomatopoeia splash in those literary devices to spice it up. That’s not to say go shopping list on me, just give me something to spice up the writing a bit more.

Wildcard: 7/10 Thread was enjoyable to read.

Total ~ 59/100

Chivalry and Savagery go to the finals!

Champions of Lornius will face off against Misery Business for Third Place!

Glories of Myrmidion receives 4500 EXP and 35 GP
Tusk receives 4500 EXP and 24 GP
Silence Sei receives 1350 EXP and 20 GP
Max Dirks receives 1350 EXP and 20 GP

[Mordelain]

Experience and gold added.