Road To Nowhere (Closed)

[Arden]

“Then…humility killed me the moment you stepped onto the bridge.”

All it took was a simple shift of weight. He moved his centre of gravity from the bow, to the heel of his feet, and let nature take its course. The rush of wind, the wave of inertia, and the scent of dew in the air. It fused together and intoxicated Arden’s senses.

Though Arden plummeted down, down, and down into the mists, his epitaph was rising up. It lurched over the edge of the bridge with a tumultuous roar, a howl, and a shake of its mane. When its paws landed heavily on the surface of the arch, the bridge shook, though not with strength, but passion.

“Grrrr,” it growled. It lowered its front legs, weighing up his prey, and with cold, calculating eyes, it assessed with instincts sharper than a mere dog.

As the silent swordsman fell silently to his death, many leagues below, the Hound, an altogether deadlier foe, charged across the narrow bridge. With a short lived and iterant desire to tear Phyr’s throat open, it lunged. It was a last minute, and perhaps futile effort on Arden’s part to scrape together a victory. He had seen many paths when he travelled through the Yukyo Shrine, but not this.

The red archways either side of the pathway had served his ancestors as divining pools for centuries. Relatives watched for the spirits of their loved ones through its heights, vigilant until the final, telling end. He turned mid-air; to face his end as it rose upwards to meet him. The wind drowned out his thoughts. The gale whipped his auburn hair into a flame. His armour, lacquered with blood as it trailed in spirals from his neck, a rusty coffin for eternity.

“<Hello, Janelle-san>,” he gurgled. The spirit of his father, hated in life, reached out a hand from the abyss to welcome his son home.

[Les Misérables]

Phyr bit heartily into a well roasted chicken leg, fatty juices smearing down his silver stubbled chin. He tried not to recall how the mana-dog's fangs had done the same thing to his throat minutes - or was it hours? - ago. The dog's charge had driven it and the old elf off the precipice, and he remembered little after that. He'd opened his ancient azure eyes in the small stone chamber lit by twinned torches either side of the door. His belongings were piled on a long table, including the sack of coin that had split and scattered. Whatever god the Ai'Brone order prayed to, it was a benevolent one. Phyr put down the chicken leg as he chewed and seized an iron fork, spearing an assortment of green and yellow beans that dripped melted butter.

His right sleeve still hung pitifully slack. The Ai'Brone gods were not so benevolent to grant him a new arm.

A knock echoed through the door, and a moment later the familiar smallish monk followed. He tutted at the way the door's hinges creaked, and the cogs beneath his shaven pate made a note to oil them later. He smiled and sat opposite Phyr, watching the Alerian shovel vegetables into his mouth.

"You fought well," the monk said. Phyr snorted so hard he almost died again, drowned by half-masticated mush rather than mystical water. He coughed and cleared his windpipe, still chuckling, tears of mirth rolling down azure cheeks. True merriment shone in his eyes, reflected by flickering torchlight.

"I fought like what I am," he amended when his laughter and anguish subsided. The combination was not unknown to Phyr Sa'resh; few things in his life came without pain. "A one-armed mongrel with two lifetimes of killing experience." He whisked long silver hair out of his eyes impatiently and retrieved the drumstick. "It was bloody worth it though," he muttered as he tore off a slab of dark meat.

"And yet I stand by what I said," the monk replied, no longer smiling. His hands were steepled between the wide sleeves of his habit. "Many warriors could learn much from facing you in combat. Hard lessons, and difficult to interpret," the lacquer-nailed man continued, "but necessary, certainly. It appears this arrangement could be to our mutual benefit," he indicated the bag of coins so courteously mended, and the ample if simple meal. "You might even find the means to turn your life around with the Citadel's support." The monk said pointedly as the old elf dropped the chicken bone with a clatter.

"I'll fight your dogs, and your cats and rats too if it brings me a steady source of grub." Phyr picked up his fork and collected the last of the potatoes, sopping leftover juices from the clay plate. "But please, brother monk, don't try to inspire me. I'm happy with what I am." Pride flared as Phyr tasted the last of the rich food. He could scarcely believe he'd defeated the Hound. The Scourge of Scara Brae. It seemed almost as impossible as... no longer needing the drink. But he'd climbed that mountain following Elena's violent passing, and slain the monster atop the peak.

"Agreed." The monk said after a short pause, and then nodded respectfully and stood. The chair legs scraped and the door hinges squeaked and Phyr Sa'resh was alone with his thoughts. He sheathed his dagger and slung his cloak around tired shoulders, fastening the clasp with a deftly practiced motion. His stump ached where the arm had been severed so long ago. He hefted the sack of coins and wished he could trade it and the world for another night in Elena's arms. And then he pocketed the burlap bag and made for the door, something close to a smile and not quite a scowl gashing his face.

If I'm going to fight more of these mad-eyed buffoons, I'll need a proper weapon... he thought as he crossed the threshold. With the day's coin and some he had squirreled away, he might be able to afford a chintzy Coronian version of a proper Alerian gunblade. He chuckled at the thought of how much easier his next meal would come with such a fearsome sidearm. Might do to keep my legs in better shape too, he decided as he neared the outside world. If his knee hadn't locked up, he might have avoided the Hound's final desperate attack. Cronen mentioned a training ground, what was it called... the Gargantuan Gym? Perhaps if he dropped the Breaker's name he could find a means of getting them to pay him to visit the facilities. Such wonders existed in Radasanth, or so said the sources of Phyr Sa'resh.

Thanks for the battle, and sorry my conclusion took so long. Let me know if you need time to edit, elsewise I'll submit this shortly.

[Philomel]

Thread Title: Road to Nowhere
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Arden vs Les Miserables

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Plot: 17 --- 18

• Story- 6/10---6/10

In general the story was enticing and captivating. As a battle, though it was short it had high moments and low moments, with a good rise (climax) and fall in the atmosphere of the piece. In particular posts 7-10 seemed a little weaker than the really strong start, mostly because of lesser-quality writing in terms of sentences and less-fluid descriptions. However, you did write well together and had a clear beginning, middle and end, which was very well done.

• Setting- 5/10---6/10

The setting itself was very well written, imagined, and described by both parties. A good strong opening from you, Arden, however all in all Les Mis put a lot more effort into using the setting for his own benefits. All in all both of you could have exploited the setting better, and mentioned it more. Despite the strong resembelance at the beginning you lost a certain amount of strength as you bound together and focused more on the action rather than the sense of place.

• Pacing- 6/10---6/10

Pacing could have done with a minor amount of adjustment. At times, particular in the middle of the piece it seemed a little rushed. You final posts were very good, though Les Mis it would help to balance your own post lengths with Arden's. As the two of you are interested in how you write together I would say you need to work on keeping at the same pace, and holding the form together in symmetry (post length and paragraph length).

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Character: 19 --- 19

• Communication- 6/10---6/10

Communication was, in essence, good for the characters in context. It seemed right considering Arden and Les Mis' backgrounds. However, weakness lay in an unequal balance - Les Mis, you relied heavily on action and had little dialogue at all and Arden you did the opposite. To write as a pair successfully you want to try to mirror each other and let the paragraphs flow. You are against each other, yet still you want to co-operate as a duet. You both have destinct characters with their individual ways of phrasing, but unfortunately at times they seem uncomfortable, awkward in comparision with one another.

• Action-6/10---6/10

Action was well written and structured. In particular enjoyable parts were posts 3 and 4 where you were both particularly artful at combining your actions as two characters and bringing them as one battle. Being central to a battle it was expertly written and set out as the characters seeming should to. However, marks are down because of imbalance - see "Communcation" for more detail on this. Actions did fit together, however, like woven threads.

• Persona- 7/10---7/10

The persona for both of you shone well. Les Mis your particular strength was in post 4 where you ended your post with: "What have I become? ... the Citadel's canon fodder? Oh Elena... why couldn't I have gone with you?" as a thought from Phyr Sa'resh, showing a definite idea of who and what your character is. Arden, your use of thought processes likewise was powerful and engaged with the reader well, and use of particular references to his body and how that felt, ("Arden felt his arm weaken", post 5) was a good strength.
A slight weakness, hence the mark being less than perfect, however, was the overall flow from post to post, and it did cause jarring in parts, distrupting the flow a little (posts 2 and 7).

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Prose: 18 --- 19

• Mechanics- 7/10---8/10

In honesty there is very little incorrect here. All full stops are in their correct place, and paragraphing is very well done. It would have helped, perhaps, at times to place a new paragraph after a line of speech, as is technically correct (post 9 in particular, hence Arden's slightly less mark), but all in all well laid out.

• Clarity- 7/10---6/10

Les Mis, your paragraphs could have done with being a little shorter at times, and more varying in size to help communicate the rise and fall in action better. Arden, you could have perhaps helped to mirror here, and either made posts a similar length or communicated a little alongside Les Mis to help cut down some. However, for both of you everything was rightly set-out and demonstrated a clear line of action and reactions.

• Technique- 4/10---5/10

It would have been good to see a general amount of deeper description from you, Arden. From your first post you only used simple adjectives, though in general it was very good and correctly done. Les Mis you did fair a little better on this, but both of you could have done with use of metaphor and similie. It would add a little more depth to both of your writing. Try just looking back quickly after you have written and see what maybe you could add in terms with the help of a theasaurus of phrase-dictionary.

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Wildcard: 5 --- 5

Introductions and the relationship between Les Mis and Arden was a particular strength. Post 3 was a great power for this, in their introduction to each other, and the continuous use of nicknames for both after this, and following. Well done!

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Final Score: 59---61

Les Miserables Wins!:

• 2250 EXP!
• 74 GP!

Congratulations!


Arden Receives:

• 675 EXP!
• 71 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!

I believe our winner Leveled Up.