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Thread: League A (Division 2): Amber Eyes v. Lye

  1. #11
    Administrator
    EXP: 63,653, Level: 10
    Level completed: 88%, EXP required for next level: 1,347
    Level completed: 88%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,347
    GP
    2,685
    Lye's Avatar

    Name
    Lichensith Ulroké
    Age
    32
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Platinum
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    175lbs -- 6'
    Job
    Grandmaster Assassin

    View Profile
    The choir of grunts, disapproving comments, and outright protests grew into a crescendo. Her words became a whisper floating in the beating waves of a brewing storm, yet he heard exactly what he needed to hear. Even his blood began to quicken at his success in coaxing the immorality out of her. She did not call him on his manipulation of the dice - not verbally at least. Five defiant fives lined perfectly with one another and even showing the same face on the rest of the sides was more than enough to call his bluff. Better yet, she salted the wound with fifty pieces of her well known wealth.

    He sat there in his chair, wry in his expression as she fulfilled the purpose for being in this bar at this exact moment. Seth Dahlios, a long sought target of his, was nearing the center of his cross hairs.

    Her taunt faded into the stir of disgruntled onlookers who had lost prior bets on the game. Drunken bodies bumped into casual alcoholics. Drinks were split and direction of the rage and anger spiraled into a whirlwind of confusion. Lye's chair was no exception to the heaving masses and the head of one such ruffian colliding with the leg of wood was the perfect queue to depart. He stood, Kyla vanished from view, and he feinted his head to the left to barely avoid a sailing bottle of ale.

    "Thank you Kyla Orlouge, my work here is done," he musically chimed to himself.

    "Oye, you!" A fat hand and a blast of unworldly odor slammed into Lye's senses like a mace to a freshly lain egg. "I wan-- I wants my-my money backh. N-Now!"

    "Filthy vermin..." he spat with disgust.

    "W-what'd you --?!"

    Lye reached to the table that surprisingly still held fifty pieces of taunting metal and with a flick of the wrist, gold rained down upon the sweaty, bloody legion of drunken brawlers. Immediately, the pressure left the assassin's robed shoulders and he utilized the spiraling insanity to take his leave. It took some careful footing and abrupt stops, but he miraculously he arrived at the wooden double doors to the busy streets of the port city unscathed. He flicked his hood upon his features, and with a playful glance over his shoulders, he vanished out into a crowd much more calm.

    "I'm coming for you Seth, and no manner of Ixian dogs will stop me..."
    Last edited by Lye; 01-09-14 at 01:32 AM.
    "All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."
    - Anonymous


  2. #12
    Administrator
    EXP: 81,363, Level: 12
    Level completed: 34%, EXP required for next level: 8,637
    Level completed: 34%,
    EXP required for next level: 8,637
    GP
    535
    Max Dirks's Avatar

    Name
    Max Dirks
    Age
    24
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Green
    Job
    Illicit Entrepreneur

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    Lye v. Amber Eyes

    No general comments on this one. Individual comments are noted below. LY = Lye and AE = Amber Eyes.


    Lye Amber Eyes Notes
    Story 4 5 LY: Lye knew quite a bit about Kyla. By not adequately explaining the source of this knowledge to the reader, you've essentially metagamed.
    Setting 6 6
    Pacing 5 5
    Communication 5 5
    Action 6 6
    Persona 5 6 AE: This might have been unintentional, but the Kyla's changing emotions (presumably due to growing intoxication) really jump out of the page. Really nice job.
    Mechanics 6 4 AE: You missed several contractions. There were also several instances where you missed commas or omitted connecting words. You also had a few usage errors that were likely spelling errors. Burley instead of burly, for example.
    Clarity 6 5 AE: I'm still noticing plenty of run-ons that distract from the read. For example, you wrote: "The barmaid scurried from corner to corner doing her best to keep up with the thirst of the room, her partner had long since disappeared with a stranger to a room next door." Note there are two subjects here: the barmaid & her partner. You could have written two sentences, or connected them using a conjunctive like "because."
    Technique 5 5 You both could work on your brevity.
    Wildcard 5 5
    Total 53/100 52/100

    Lye wins!

    Lye earns 2750 EXP and 53 GP!
    Amber Eyes earns 825 EXP an 52 GP!
    Althanas Operations Administrator

    Dirks GP amount: 2949

  3. #13
    Administrator
    EXP: 63,653, Level: 10
    Level completed: 88%, EXP required for next level: 1,347
    Level completed: 88%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,347
    GP
    2,685
    Lye's Avatar

    Name
    Lichensith Ulroké
    Age
    32
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Platinum
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    175lbs -- 6'
    Job
    Grandmaster Assassin

    View Profile
    EXP and GP Added!

    Lye levels to Level 5!
    "All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."
    - Anonymous


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