League A (Interdivision): BlueGhostofSeaside v. Amber Eyes

[Ashla]

Ashla's first reaction to seeing Kyla throw the apple away was Hey! That was my apple!!! However, when she started counting Ashla immediately bent down into position. When Kyla said "two", Ashla closed her eyes and preserved her energy, she had to win this! She was surprised that out of anybody, an opponent of her's in the league found a friend in her. Ashla was bad at finding good company, many of the people she would have considered friends had turned out to be traitors or enemies instead, even Iris had betrayed her down the road... The only friends she had truly found were her best friend Julius Tabor, and her companion Black Shadow. Aside that there was nobody. Seeing that a strong person who happened to be a member of the famous Ixian Knights Ashla had heard about just gave her such a kind compliment and offered her assistance if she needed; Ashla was too grateful... However, she still wanted to win...

"Three."

BAM! They were off! At first, Ashla kept a close pace with Kyla; but later, when they reached shorter grasses, she took off like a rocket! Ashla's head dropped while she was still running, Of course... She's a member of the Ixian Knights, of course she's faster than me! I'm gonna flunk! The last battle she had faced Ashla had lost at. Now it was two fights and one win for her; the two men who had won were shadows of evil over Ashla's pride. One of them, a dark assassin, had given her an unfair fight while the other prideful jerk had won by a thread of luck in her eyes. Ashla lifted her with her eye's blazing ice blue, I will not lose to this! No! Never! This is probably my last chance to prove to them that... Ashla's determination allowed the release of adrenaline and she went even faster than her usual. She had adopted the traits of agility from her mother, which meant her speed was good as well. However, this Kyla girl still seemed out of her reach. However, Ashla turned a corner with her feet running out of control to see her opponent pick herself up from tripping over a rock. Ha! Has! Sucker!! Ashla immediately regretted thinking that. She growled, trying not to let the site of her standing up frighten her and she pushed herself on. She had been too busy focusing on running to realize how tired she was up until now. Her throat felt like it was on fire, her legs felt like jelly, and she had sweat beating down her forehead. I can't loose! Not now, not ever! Ashla kept pushing herself to the door only seconds ahead of her, she heard he footsteps of her opponent a heartbeat close her. Ashla's eyes contained their icy glow once again as she growled in her own intensity.


...

... And the winner was... ... ...

Kyla got there several seconds before Ashla. It was close, but she still lost...

No! Ashla hit the wall with her fist as she slowed herself down coming up to it. I freaking lost again! Ashla clenched her eyes shut and numbed the portion of the wall her other hand landed on. I'm so weak! Pathetic! Why?! Ashla growled and her thoughts escaped her, "I'm weak I tell you... Weak..." Her eyes were cluttered with water over her loss, aside that elf guy she met on the beach ... She was the worst fighter here.

[Lye]

For battles:

Thread Title: League A (Interdivision): BlueGhostofSeaside v. Amber Eyes
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: BlueGhostofSeaside vs Amber Eyes

---

Plot: 17 --- 17

• Story- 6/10---5/10

The story took a play on an old classic of Alice in Wonderland. Originally, the first person view drew a level on interest onto Kyla as the main character and put Ashla unknowingly into a supportive role. When the story perspective switched, it lost that element and detracted slightly from the life of the story. Overall, both players created a brief summary for being there. BGoS elaborated a little further in recapping prior events and their effect on this battle. She also used the battle to drive home that Alsha was suffering from an internal conflict. This gave her side of the story slightly more depth than Kyla's.

• Setting- 6/10---7/10

Both players had a decent amount of interaction with the environment. BGoS wrote of Fireleaf playing in the grass, and Amber used tree branches to test her opponent. It also impacted Amber when a rock tripped her near finish of the race. Overall, Amber painted a better picture by putting the objects in relevance to Kyla or described them through Kyla's actions. This ability to breath life into the setting through the character lets the reader become more involved with the character, and therefore makes it more believable.

• Pacing- 5/10---5/10

Both players had a tempo that matched with the event occurring within the battle. The tension built in the first two thirds of the thread were played out well. Amber had a smoother flow to her writing. This is partly attributed to BGoS's unique style of writing which reflects a more peppy tone. Ultimately, if it weren't for the perspective switch, Amber may have had the upper hand.

---

Character: 17 --- 19

• Communication- 6/10---6/10

Both characters seemed to fit their roles both with themselves and one another. The conversation was believable and no one party dominated the other. The speech was very casual and the contrast of Kyla's generosity versus Ashla's hesitation flowed well into the conclusion. Ashla came off as someone very carefree, yet the written back story explained her distrust towards a stranger's kind gesture.

• Action-5/10---7/10

Kyla truly shone in her actions. Her personality was crafted by them, and her use of strategy to identify her opponent's ability was admirable. Not only did she do this and realize Alsha was a lesser threat, she also suggested the terms to which the battle would be won in a non violent way. Ashla took a reactionary role to Kyla's lead. Though her actions were just as descriptive, they lacked the ability to drive the story as strongly as Kyla's.

• Persona- 6/10---6/10

Kyla's personality had a certain regal depth to it. Ashla also personified her optimistic, yet determined qualities quite well. The inner monologue and depth were both quite matched.

---

Prose: 17 --- 16.5

• Mechanics- 5/10---4.5/10

Both players had run on sentences. Both players also exhibited issues in repeat words in too close a proximity to one another. Amber Eyes switched her first person perspective to a third person perspective mid thread. This was a major detraction as it jumps the reader out of the flow of prior posts. BGoS used excessive passive voice. One such example was rather difficult to follow: "She had thrown her knife in the direction she had leaped in and the blade was laying right beside her." It was a simple sentence with two independent clauses and no comma, but could have been written: "She threw her knife in the direction she leaped, and the blade now lied right beside her."

• Clarity- 5/10---5/10

Amber would have succeeded in this area should the perspective have remained in first or third person. BGoS reflects a unique style that sometimes contrasts itself in terms of content. Character thoughts and actions occasionally cause a conflict. How she would have trusted a stranger so quick - what was her reason? Some of Ashla's actions beg the reason why. While this does add to a carefree personality, it can be handled with more distinction to allow the reader to know why that character is doing something.

• Technique- 6/10---6/10

BGoS has a very unusual technique that is less formal but appeals to the reader's younger interest. The writing has energy that isn't found in formal publishing. Although it is unique, traditional techniques were not present such as similes, metaphors, and personification. This detracted from the potential of the style. Amber on the other hand had a very unique approach with the first person view. The third person view was also well written, but could have used some additional energy that the first person possessed.

---

Wildcard: 7 --- 7

The feel for this battle was refreshing and pleasant. I cannot stress how much I would have liked to see Amber continue the first person view, especially for the weaker opponent and the scenes that unfolded. This interaction was very natural and I could see Kyla and Ashla having a strong dynamic should they continue their interactions. I would personally like to see Kyla take Ashla under her wing especially since Ashla is so heartbroken over the failure to perform in combat. I enjoyed the thread, especially without the action of combat. Both players did very well.

---

Final Score: 57---58.5

Amber Eyes Wins!:

• 2,856 EXP!
• 60 GP!

Congratulations!


BlueGhostofSeaside Receives:

• 857 EXP!
• 30 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!