Thread Title: League A (Interdivision): Zack Blaze v. Amber Eyes
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Zack Blaze vs Amber Eyes


Plot: 16 --- 16

  • Story- 4/10---5/10

Both characters made a decent stab at story. Zack set the field with the backstory of meeting Kyla and that was near the end of what was mentioned throughout. Kyla had a continual theme of the next generation that came full circle. This didn't really match with her actions however, as the rage induced retaliation contrasted her concern for the children of the future. This could have worked to an advantage if the retaliation was attributed to teaching the unruly discipline.

  • Setting- 6/10---5/10

Both players used the environment in their threads. Zack earned the upper hand by using the ring to his advantage on several attacks. This was less apparent in Amber's writing. Some mention of strategic goals or tactical use of the setting would have helped take the upper hand. There was also a mention of concrete, but it was unclear if the fight was taken out of the ring or not.

  • Pacing- 6/10---6/10

The battle flowed quickly and was intense. This worked well for both characters. The conflict did seem short due to Kyla's overpowering strength. This made it hard to play out to the ten post minimum, but a little more in the realm of tactics and dramatic struggle could have pulled this out a little more. Some usage of known player information and the conveyance to the reader caused some issues in flow. The mention of Kyla using magic was one example, when no mention of her magic had been made thus far, aside from the glass shield.


Character: 17.5 --- 15

  • Communication- 6/10---5/10

Zack offered the reader a witty line here and there which added to his appeal as a character. Minor added thoughts were also an attributing factor. During the grappling this disappeared, even during some scenes where there was distance to close between fighters. Kyla only spoke near the beginning and offered very little inner monologue. Most of the lack for speech was compensated for in descriptions of body language and indirect thoughts. A few opportunities for Kyla to speak out against Zack would have brought her to par or exceed Zack.

  • Action-6/10---5/10

Action felt realistic to the fringe of unbelievable. The continual pounding of Zack's face was brutal and it was a shock that he not only took it with little flailing or resistance, but he remained mostly cognitive throughout. Later on, he began to show the symptoms of his losing battle. His win, however, was in the usage of the setting and his tactical approach to handling Kyla. He ran over the strategy of her magic shield, and delivered a contact blow to avoid triggering it. He also used the elasticity of the ring ropes to add to his abilities. Taking distance to combat her strength was another good ploy. Kyla was very straight forward, which proved effective, but lacked the finesse Zack displayed in his struggle to win.

  • Persona- 5.5/10---5/10

Zack's witty, wry, and arrogant personality comes out on top. It stayed true throughout the thread. Kyla started off with the reader seeing her as a strong yet compassionate character. Her concern for fighting against the young was apparent. This was abandoned through he middle of the thread, but luckily was touched upon in the end. Some mention of her concern in beating down Zack, or her reasoning for not using magic would have helped the reader relate to her.


Prose: 14.5 --- 15

  • Mechanics- 6.5/10---6/10

Both players held issues in comma usage. There were some capitalization issues with the word "Mystic". In Amber's first post, there was a massive run on in the second paragraph. The fifth paragraph also lead with a confusing sentence which could have been broken down. The run on and slightly increased comma error lead to a slight lead for Zack.

  • Clarity- 3/10---3/10

Understanding that competitive RP usually has open ended hits, the thread started with taunts and reactions then directly to blows. There was little evading and some of the player's actions crossed over into the opponent's posts. This didn't harm the flow of the writing once the idea of competitive RP was thrown out the window, but it can confuse someone expecting the usual. Either a leading or closing tag to indicate player collaboration or bunny approval would have helped the reader understand the reasoning for the auto-hits. Auto hits also drop some of the suspense factor in a competitive setting. Keep this in mind.

  • Technique- 5/10---6/10

Amber has a very engaging writing style. The usage of inner thought as a passive entity and combining it with the rest of the body creates a seamless reading experience. The reader begins to see the story as all about her character and not in observation. Usage of thought in separate italics or quotes is certainly more clear, but it can create an interrupt to the flow of the story. Amber also used a more colorful vocabulary. Be careful in the usage of the word, "something" as this greatly detracts from the presentation of the information which follows. If a boy has something familiar about him, dive into it. His eyes were familiar, his hair, his voice or anything that is more finite delivers better than "something".


Wildcard: 0 --- 0

Wildcard has been removed for the purpose of bunnying. No indication was made to collaboration and the thread's auto-hits detracted from the read. The expectation is a competitive battle with open ended hits and looking forward to how the other player will react. Working together to write and intense fight scene is still acceptable, but the delivery of it should still be suspenseful. Another way to avoid losing points for bunnying is an indication at the beginning, end, per post, or even in the judgment comments. Preferably the beginning so that the reader is aware of the cross usage of characters. This is less important in quests as the flow of a story should not harbor on everyone identifying their exact actions in relation to the entire party, but should still make note to permitted usage. Keep this in mind for future threads.

This battle is technically 10 posts long, but the first post should not count. I will have Solar specify this in his league rules. If you are using alts in the next few leagues, please keep that in mind as well.

If any commentary is considered troublesome or unfair, feel free to PM me. If any specifics or elaboration are desired, I will be more than happy to assist.


Final Score: 48---46

Zack Blaze Wins!:

  • 2,750 EXP!
  • 50 GP!

Congratulations!


Amber Eyes Receives:

  • 825 EXP!
  • 25 GP!