Thread Title: League A (Division 1): BlueGhostofSeaside v. Elthas_Belthasar
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: BlueGhostofSeaside vs Elthas Belthasar
Plot: 14 --- 15
- Story- 4/10---5/10
Elthas prefaced the opening with a reason for being in the fight and continued the theme of "war" throughout. Though the reference to the war was unclear, it did add more depth to his actions and reactions. Elthas's weakness was not enough elaboration on important story ideas (like said war) and too much emphasis on the small details. A good balance in necessary to maintain engaged readership. BGoS maintained a decent attempt at story using the, "I want to prove to them my strength" theme. This is a little cliche for a battle theme, but was present. For both players, an emphasis on the elf versus elf would have added much more story and interest as they battled. There clearly was an attempt to emphasize heritage on both sides, but they did not take hold toward the story. That was a weakness that could have been exploited for a strong story score. BGoS also mentioned an event of when "that" happened. Whatever "that" was would have improved your score with even just a little bit of elaboration.
- Setting- 5/10---5/10
The battle took place on the beach, but Elthas left it somewhat drab in the sense of no one being around. Sensory detail was given, but throughout the battle, it did little to effect the players aside from a back drop. Based on the information given, it seemed like nothing but sand and water. While this is acceptable, in times where these were not upkept, one might find more wildlife, discarded vegetation, or washed up debris. Where as it is not necessary, this could have added more to the setting and potentially came in handy through the fight. As far as tactics go, BGoS used the generic sand kick. Elthas also wrote out the moisture in his clothes and boots. This was a pleasant scene, but as water weighs down clothing it seemed odd knowing that he was there for a battle. Imagery used during Elthas's death was another good scene. Because both players used the setting to different strengths, the score levels out. More setting elements and variety would improve future scores.
- Pacing- 4/10---4/10
Elthas, the opening dragged quite a bit and was rather dry. Instead of the details coming from Elthas or having a flair to the presentation, the setting spilled out like a description than a story. Instead of stating "there were no people, just animals", you could elaborate a small scene of a crab scuttling across the sand. Be careful though, as there were some minor details with the monks and the leagues that seemed to repeat. Repetition can be a strong technique if used with purpose, otherwise, it injures the flow of the read. BGoS, your intro seemed short and lacked substance. You arrived on scene, that was the gist of it. Some fleshing out of details or dialogue with the monk would have added some live. Together, nothing happened battle wise until the thread was half over. This did harm since both of you expected a battle, and during the stand off, not much was said or developed. Playing off the elf heritage or having internal conflict would have drastically changed the perspective of the stand off. Once the battle started, it was over in a flash. This made the overall pacing difficult to follow.
Character: 15 --- 17
- Communication- 4/10---6/10
Dialogue was naught, and what was present was cliche or short. Elthas opened with an attempt at NPC dialogue. This was a good element as it adds to the setting of the piece. The discussions between the two fighters was nil. This is understandable for a fight, but before the true battle actually broke out, some discussion during this time would have built character and story tension. The information that Elthas presented during his post gave Elthas a little more depth than Ashla. He showed expressions of disdain when being disarmed and was shocked at Ashla's speed. The element of war and Elthas coming off as a more refined fighter was apparent. Ashla is difficult to put a finger on for this thread. Determination is her key element, but not much happens in terms if internal conflict or emotional expression. A few sentences were sprinkled in with the action as to how Ashla felt, but having more to go off would have increased interest for the reader.
- Action-6/10---5/10
Elthas took his hits, that much is certain. There was very little ducking and weaving. For a knife fighter, agility, flexibility, and reflexes are key. This may mean including some mundane descriptors during combos, but that should emphasize that Elthas is a precision fighter. His dagger should parry a thrust, use the momentum to spin his body around to her back or side. You could also sidestep while blocking to run the dagger against the blade of her thrust to pull in too close to use the larger weapon and capitalize on the close combat benefits of smaller weapons. That sand kick should have been a tactic used for a knife fighter. Alsha pulled her maneuvers off quite well. Unfortunately, there seemed to be one occurrence of a bunnied hit right off the bat. It is unclear if this was consensual, but the dagger pressing to Elthas's throat immediately put him at a disadvantage and gave him little in the way of avoidance. Still, action lacked overall, and Ashla seemed to have a solid tactical approach. Although Elthas had a richer description in his movements, Alsha made better use of her assets.
- Persona- 5/10---6/10
Both players had a faint presence of their persona. Elthas was stronger in his overall presentation of his character's thoughts, feelings, and identity. He felt dismayed at being disarmed, he felt frustrated that his opponent was not as refined as he, and overall, Elthas showed his reaction to the battle. Ashla had her moments sprinkled in here and there, but as mentioned in the areas above, more opportunities to make her shine could have been exercised. Again, there would have been a much greater overall presence of the thread should there have been more conflict or tension during the non-combat posts.
Prose: 13 --- 17
- Mechanics- 4/10---5/10
The usage of the semicolon was off. In many instances where there was a semicolon, it should have been a comma or period. Semicolons are a rare punctuation and has very few applications. The general rule I like to use on them is to join to similar sentences in place of the conjunction ",for". There are much more specific rules that can be found on the internet. There were also issues of wrong words used in place of proper ones. BGoS: "Strait" instead of "Straight" and "She" instead of "the". For Elthas, it was run-ons adn fragments. Your second paragraph was one of said run-ons. One of the fragments being "The blade tip pointing TOWARDS his opponent." This could be an error of fragmentation or tense. Either way there were a few more instances of this. Also, there was an unneeded apostrophe in "combo's". This can be typed as "combos" or since that word is an informal abbreviation, you could use "combinations". Due to the number of errors, Elthas wins here by a hair.
- Clarity- 4/10---6/10
First off, any forced contact in a battle setting needs to be noted as being approved. Otherwise it is an infringement of bunnying/power gaming. An opening or closing tag in OOC confirming that all bunnying is approved will alleviate this. Since the infraction was not terribly crippling, I am not docking as much points as I otherwise would.
Aside from that, there were a few instances in both writers that the content needed a second glance to understand. Typically, this resulted from a mechanics error. Some of the words placed in all caps did cause a raised brow at times. The importance of some of them seemed to be lost in the surrounding actions. Typically bold is another rare technique to be used sparingly. The statement about him being "magic" at something was not worded right and caused confusion. Aside from minor details being lost to clarity, the major points were clear. Read through the work a final time before submission to spot unusual phrasing or confusing lines.
- Technique- 5/10---6/10
BGoS utilizes a very peppy flow to her writing. It certainly has energy and zest, but lacks the formality typically seen. This is not necessarily a detractor, but could use some refining to truly shine as an individual signature style. Elthas is much more refined in his presentation. The one thing both players could improve on is usage of common writing elements such as metaphors, similes, and personification. This is not necessity, but will breathe more life into a story and its setting. There were occasional usages on both sides. Overall, Elthas painted a much more vivid scene with the techniques used. A warning is to be made to not take movements too literal. It detracts from the flow overall. Plus, Elthas used an interesting approach to punctuation to emphasis his flow. Some fragments seemed to have purpose, others were out of place (possibly do to tense issues).
Wildcard: 7 --- 6
Don't be afraid to PM each other battle ideas to make it interesting. Since we go off OOC scores, IC wins in a citadel setting have less merit unless it is important to your character. Discuss this between writers so you can know what to expect and focus more on "wowing" the audience.
BGoS, I'm pulling for you to fall into that perfect balance of your peppy technique and story presentation. You really have that potential there and when those puzzle pieces come together, you will be a major contender. Definitely watch out for those forced moves unless you've gotten them approved. Watch a few martial arts sparring videos to get a taste of how people react in a battle. Fantasy writing gives you some wiggle room, but in actual combat, reaction speeds of others is incredible. You would certainly benefit from writing Ashla into using feint blows to disorient then strike true.
Elthas, I really like that nobility and refined nature you have with your character. My only qualm is you take your hits too easily. There is a primitive impulse to retract from danger and that alone should give Elthas more maneuverability on the field. I almost get the sense that Elthas does not have a taste for battle. It's as if he sees it as a method of self defense and nothing more. I'd even go so far as to say Elthas only sees it as self defense because the world is a primitive place that needs to do battle. You can build on this and really shine in your writing, but I'd like to see an experienced age-old elf hold up a little longer in a fight.
Good work you two. Keep it up and I look forward to more writing. There are a few areas to improve, but you both have the right direction.
Final Score: 49---53
Elthas Belthasar Wins!:
- 1,000 EXP!
- 53 GP!
Congratulations!
BlueGhostofSeaside Receives:
- 300 EXP!
- 26 GP!
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