League A (Division 1): Forbidden v. Zack Blaze

[Forbidden]

Leaves chittered in the wind to answer the madman's laugh. Another human who has touched the Tap and allowed it to scour their senses. This boy's powers have minced his brains. Without a guide like Njal, Nora might have suffered much the same fate. She slid her wakizashi free and dropped the sack containing the tanto. The dark iron blade leaned against her shoulder as she peeked past the tree's shadow. Dew glistened in the moonlight all around the earth torn up by Blaze's pet, but she saw no sign of the ogre nor its master. Perhaps he is not so mad after all... Ellenora took a deep breath of dank forest air, restoring some calm to her vibrating nerves. Was Zack employing stealth of his own? If so, he would find himself entrenched alongside...

The vampyre never saw the sword point that burst from her chest in a mist of arterial spray. The magic blade snuffed her out like an iron thimble covering a candle.

~

Agony wracked Ellenora's being, but she had no body. Hot knives pierced the tenderest pieces of skin she could not perceive. Darkness and pain, only darkness and pain. Many of Njal's lessons began so.

Why have you failed? The imperious voice asked when she had no more sensation to scald. Njal did not demand, but Nora knew her answers would write the next passage of her life or else burn her from present and past.

I was too weak, the initial answer came easily, but silence and nothingness stretched until she found a proper answer. I underestimated my foe, again and again. I had no answer for his attacks. Nora wanted to weep but she had no cheeks to wear the tears, nor eyes to spill them. She had been foolish, fearing that a human such as Zack Blaze could replace her as leader of the Liberia Nocturna. Yet still she feared for her position.

What would you do differently? Njal asked.

I would never step into that clearing, Nora thought vehemently, I would draw the man to the shadows, and strike with all of my being.

You learn still, there was love amongst the voice's disappointment, it is for this alone that I keep you as leader of the Noctruna tribe. The world has changed as you slept. Many and more of those above draw upon the Tap like mewling kittens at their mother's teats. They are dangerous, but they grow fat with power and are ripe for the plucking... they will make the mightiest army we have ever known. There was a pause in which hope replaced pain, filling the void that had consumed Nora's world. You have tasted the wrath of the surface dwellers this night... when next you climb out of Haide, you will taste their blood.

Fin

[Zack Blaze]

Blood spurted forth from Nora’s chest in a crimson fog of gore. Zack removed the sword with a vicious slurping sound from the blade passing through its point of penetration. His opponent’s body fell lifeless to the ground, a pool of red staining the grass around her still form. Zack dropped the sword and cackled maniacally into the night sky, his right hand holding his hair from falling into his face.

“Too easy!” He shouted and shifted his neck from one side to another for a satisfying ‘pop’ sound on each end, “That was far too easy!”

He kneeled down before his fallen female foe, his hand touching the liquid and bringing it to his nostrils. Nora’s blood had a coppery smell to it, and felt oddly cold as opposed to a normal person’s warm crimson. He stood, moving some of his hair behind his ears and temporarily coloring the blonde strands a dark red. “A vampire huh? I bet the big wigs at MizBiz will be more than happy to up my pay for this one.”

He had not expected such an easy conquest, and standing over the vampire’s corpse made the youth feel like a lion guarding a fresh kill. He brought his heel to Nora’s side and rolled the body over. It was now, in the creepy stillness of the night, that he could finally admire the girl’s naked and perfect form. Her eyes remained open and wide. It was all too obvious to the boy that he had taken her by surprise. Blood still flowed through the gaping wound through her breast. In Zack’s mind, he was no different than an artist admiring his painting.

But it was in this admiration that Zack was still found wanting. While he had done a great job of humiliating and defeating the vampyric vixen, it had ended all too quickly. Flashes of his fights with both Madison Freebird and Leoric Rockfist flashed in his mind. They had both been worthy opponents and both had been convinced by Zack to join Misery Business because of their fortitude and skillsets. This was different. The woman Zack fought today was not worthy of his company, she was not even worthy of more than fifteen minutes of his time.

Zack spit onto Nora’s lifeless body, his sample of spit swallowed by the last ounces of blood leaving the corpse. Zack turned and picked his blade back up, dragging it across the ground slowly. He looked up to the vastness of the stars once more and sighed. “It’s funny, you know? I’m the victor here today, and you’re the one with a hole in your chest…”

“…So then why am I the one that feels hollow?”

((Good Game, Madam.))

[Otto]

Forbidden

Plot: 21/30

Storytelling: 7/10

A simple story, but one that is well-anchored in the larger scheme of things. You explain why Nora is there, fit events to the character, and don't make her quest for strength a trivial matter.

Setting: 7/10

Well-described scenery, which was used to evoke the mystery of the night and coldness of the grave. Although the imagery could have been a little more prominent, you also did well in utilising the environment to give the thread some sort of grounding.

Pacing: 7/10

Apart from a few hiccups, your writing unrolled wonderfully to fit the demands of the battle. Just be wary about holding things up at the start of your posts - such as in post 7. Some of what you write in the first paragraph has already been covered ("With her body planted firmly in the earth she felt safe, close to Njal's embrace"), and it interrupts the flow. Zack just threw a handful of fire at Nora - the second paragraph would have been a better starting point (sans reiterating about the fire).


Character: 24/30

Communication: 8/10

Great stuff. Nora's feigned innocence is a touch suspicious, her screams of defiance suitably frantic, and the thoughts to herself always revealing something more. Inflections also played a part in flavouring her words - it's just a shame the thread was too short to see more.

Action: 8/10

I remain unsure of how you could improve your writing. Each action belies her state and motives, from graceful seduction, to feigned helplessness, and finally, her trembling rage as her smooth demeanour quickly frays. Importantly, you were ready to let your character take the punches she should have, for the sake of a credible read.

Persona: 8/10

Nora's actions, her words, and your own all painted a detailed picture of the vampyre. Yet, you might have gone a little further and fleshed out her place in the Liberi Nocturna - or the clan's place in Althanas, even - and consequently, another aspect of this character of yours.


Prose: 22/30

Mechanics: 7/10

Although your writing wasn't entirely free of grammatical errors (I only took note of two), and in parts could have been formatted better to improve flow (a few more commas to mark conjunctions, perhaps), you have a polished style that is a pleasure to read.

Clarity: 8/10

The only area that could have been better described was Nora's hideout in the treeline, and only then because of possible issues with Zack's teleport power. Otherwise, this section was not a problem for you.

Technique: 7/10

The perspective may be third person, but you put us inside Nora's head with ease, through your use of personal anecdote, and rather personal metaphor and simile (the way she thinks in terms of blood, the cold embrace of the earth, and so on).


Wildcard: 4/10
You're an accomplished writer, talented in all aspects of the rubric. A longer and deeper story is warranted for Nora - what we have here is just a taste. Points removed for some tardy posts, however.

Total: 71/100


Zack Blaze

Plot: 17/30

Storytelling: 6/10

As far as the fight goes, in itself, you handled things fairly well. But there are larger elements that remain unanswered, to the point that they may be important or irrelevant, i.e.: why is Zack trying to get Nora to swear allegiance to him? What happened to the tournament? And if he is trying to find suitable recruits, why not wait until after the practical before telling them they're hired? It seems like an unsound business principle.

Setting: 5/10

Like Nora, you set the scene with enough detail to make it interesting, but not so much it was boring. Apart from acting as a backdrop, however, you didn't take it into consideration much. This was particularly problematic when you teleported Zack into Nora's hiding spot, for the simple reasons that a) he needs to be able to picture the location (difficult if it's hidden beneath the night-time canopy) and b) in teleporting behind Nora, it's entirely possible that he would have ended up encased in the middle of a tree.

Pacing: 6/10

For the most part, very good. But you lost major points because of your habit of repeating what your opponent has only just told us in the last post. We know what happened, as we read it just ten seconds ago; making us go through it again is a waste of time, jarring, and, frankly, boring.


Character: 21/30

Communication: 8/10

This is certainly an area in which you excel. It's less what Zack says than how he says it, which stuffs your dialogue with personality and insight. Some of the dialogue in itself is a bit unclear, such as the allegiance thing I mentioned, and also your closing sentence seems at odds with the theme you've set up over the rest of the thread. Delivery is fine, fantastic, but just be a bit more wary of the content.

Action: 6/10

As with communication, you excel in describing the action, how you chose to act let you down. In this case, there was borderline powergaming taking place.

First is the issue of Nora's attempts to deceive Zack. He is completely, 100% sure that Nora's putting on an act. Of course he's right, but there's more to it than that. There's nothing in his character sheet to suggest he has immunity to Nora's pheromones, so why aren't they having any effect at all? And just because Zack's clever, doesn't mean he can't be fooled. Ever heard the phrase, "you're so sharp you'll cut yourself?" If he's smart enough, it might just mean he can think of a plausible reason why a defenceless young woman has stumbled into the midst of a tournament fight. I'm not saying you should have made him fall for her tricks, but a moment's uncertainty and hesitation was probably called for.

Next, we have the teleport issue. Nora's hidden in the treeline, behind cover. Has Zack been there? You don't say, and since Nora's been dug in there the past while, we assume not. So how well can he picture an unfamiliar place, hidden in the shadows at night?

It's unlikely in the extreme that Nora would have won the fight. But reading this was akin to watching someone open the console in a game, type in godmode and noclip, and just walk through walls to complete a level. Without any sense of conflict or risk, there was no enjoyment - which was probably where Nora had the greatest advantage over you.

Persona: 7/10

Zack's final bit of dialogue was a bit incongruous with the upbeat, mildly psychotic demeanour he'd displayed while having so much fun in the rest of the thread. Along with the obscure recruitment angle, it's unclear what he's doing there. That might just be the kind of guy he is - a bit wild, a bit unpredictable, rather fickle... but you could have stood to make it clearer that this was deliberate, if indeed it was.


Prose: 19/30

Mechanics: 6/10

You have a few bad habits that, if you shook them, would really let you reach your potential here. I've mentioned that it's a terrible thing to repeat chunks of the previous post. Also, look back to how you prepare for your opponent's move in post 4; if this, if that... it does not read well, and there has to be a better way of writing it. Perhaps you could show us what he's thinking, e.g.:

"Thin, but poised. Probably fast and controlled. I'd do well to watch my back, but if I take away her mobility, there shouldn't be anything to stop me finishing her off.

Zack tightened his fists, lit by their flickering halo of sparks."

Lastly, your writing is littered with minor grammatical mistakes. Watch out for typos, use apostrophes to denote the plural form ("moons" vs. "moon's"), scour awkward repetition from your writing ("he mumbled once more while he kicked at the ground once more"), use the correct participle ("spit" vs. "spat"), and so on. And be wary of the run-on sentence.

Clarity: 7/10

Some elements were a little fuddled, like Zack's motives, but the meat of the writing was crystal. It also would have helped to give at least an inkling of Zack's scepticism towards Nora's ploy earlier on in the thread, as it wasn't clear whether he was just ignoring (not fooled) or if you weren't reading your opponent's post properly (a possibility lent credit, as you seem to have misread Nora's description of how the vampyre wore her hair).

Technique: 6/10

There was some good, strong metaphor and simile there - but not much else was visible. How about some symbolism? Could have had Zack's fire set the drifts of leaves ablaze - he's trying to kindle the conflict, and there'd be something there about the light being anathema to Nora. And what's the implication of this League for Zack? This thread doesn't really explore the character on a scale greater than his mannerisms.


Wildcard: 5/10
Some small flaws held you back, but the worst of it was a lack of respect for your opponent.

Total: 62/100

Forbidden wins, and receives 1800 experience and 110 gold.

Zack Blaze receives 450 experience and 110 gold.

[Lye]

Gold & EXP added!

Zack Levels to Level 6!

Congratulations!