League A (Interdivision): Agent 492 vs Good for nothing captain

[Good for Nothing Captain]

"Yeah," Victor nodded, scratching his head, "he was that guy, with the cane. . . he did that. . . thing. . . that one time. . ."

"The guy that did the first thing or the second thing that other time?" Peter asked, eyes squinting with recollection.

"You know," Victor nudged Lucius, hoping for his new friend to add some insight.

"It was actually the third thing, from the first time," Lucius acknowledged, joining the farce. "I believe there was a turtle involved."

"Ah yes!" Peter exclaimed, motioning for the men to join him, "I believe there was a Sway assault on one of our mountain bases and the man of whom you speak saved the base and our troops with the use of a turtle, four ju-ju-beans and a wool cap."

"Oh. . ." Lucius scratched his head, unable to recall, almost positive nothing near this had happened.

"Just go with it," Victor whispered, covering his mouth. "It's better to just let him think you agree and wait to get what you want later."

"Noted," Duffy agreed, taking after the dark-elf, along with the red-eyed man.

As they walked, whispers rang out, from men performing different tasks. It was not every day that someone resembling a well remembered hero of the war came around. Lucius could hear whispers of a name, almost in disbelief.

"Raukorad?" Lucius asked.

"It's nothing," Victor answered quickly, "just a stupid nickname."

"How can you say that?!" Peter chimed in, "it is not just a nickname! Raukorad is elvish, it means 'red demon.' It was a name whispered in fear by the forces of the Ethereal Sway and cheered in relief by the royalists. It was the name of a beast, who blazed through the battlefield like a wildfire through a forest. "

"That was you?" Lucius asked, almost stunned.

"He's exaggerating, " Victor sighed.

"I am underselling him, if anything," Peter shot down the comment. Leading the two through an imposing iron gate, riddled with magical charms.

Passed the doors, through the long corridors, the trio walked, almost instantly losing their way back. Many twists and turns riddled the stone halls, and an unmistakable feeling that magic kept many secrets. Minutes passed as the three walked in silence, each lost in thought. Victor's thoughts drifted to solving his sugar craving. Peter thought of a way to convince Victor of joining the resistance. And Duffy wondered if he would ever find the cause of the inconsistency in time.

"So," Victor sighed, passing by the medical barracks, "did you lose many?"

"Not too many," Peter went on, "a normal lose for a raid. I suppose with more able soldiers, we may have had less casualties. . . Most of these me-excuse me, boys, were orphaned during the war. The sought out the resistance, the dark beast of revenge gnawing at their hearts. . ."

"I guess that sounds familiar. . . But why send them to fight?" Victor asked, almost naively.

"Short manned, desperate times," Lucius sighed, it was all too familiar indeed. A picture had begun to form in his head of the days to come. But he could not remember a red-eyed warrior like Victor. Could it be that he was not supposed to be here?

Peter stopped at a modest wooden door, but before he could knock, a calm voice called out.

"Come in," Lucius recognized the voice immediately.

"Maybe I should reconsider," Victor whispered, hoping no one caught the sentiment.

But Duffy Lucius did. He had to keep the Raukorad from joining the resistance.

[Lucius]

There came a time in everyman’s life when he had to choose between friend and foe. Victor, until now, had been very much a friend. Though circumstances beyond their control had brought them together, now, Lucius was very much in control as to wherever or not they remained side by side. Time was, as ever, of the essence.

“I…don’t understand,” said Westmont, the leader of the Resistance. From behind his mahogany desk, he peered with unflinching ferocity at the trio as they entered. “I thought Duffy was north?”

Victor turned to look at Lucius, but he was not there. Peter, with an abyssal flash of malice in his eyes, met with the bard’s gaze and smiled broadly.

“I have not long returned, Westmont,” Lucius-in-disguise said. His voice shifted just enough to pass as the plucky Scara Braen’s accent. It had been so long since he had spoken in his natural tongue he felt awkward.

“This is great news,” the man said triumphant. He pushed himself upright, gestured for the three men to take the seats spread out before him, and poured four bourbon drams into four crystal tumblers. “I was expecting bad news from your fellow agents, but surely the operation went well?” He looked up at Duffy, who had produced a cane from somewhere, and waited.

Lucius-come-Duffy hobbled to the middle chair, and eased himself into it. He did not remembered how to limp; he simply made A.R.I.A run at 50% operations in his leg. The cybernetic network in his limb clunked and grinded, and adrenaline drained away from the muscles so that it was as realistic as possible. He would suffer for it in the days to come, but desperate times…

“You needn’t worry about the witch hunters operating in the steppes. The Sway have little hold in the border villages now, either.” With a flick of his hair from his fringe, a check to see if the hologram was still working, Lucius bit his tongue.

As they stepped through the door, he had drawn up images of former lives, tied them to the holograph generator that made his shielding, and mish-mashed sub-systems together into a make shift disguise. It would not last long. However, now he saw Victor’s roll in his own past had never happened like this, the paradox made him think sharply, and keenly. Coming back to this time had in fact caused the time rift itself. He should never have met Victor in the bar.

“Then a drink is in order, wouldn’t you say?” The leader raised his own glass, and waited for the men to lean forwards and take theirs. A quartet of toasts welcomed in a supposed new age in the rebellion’s strength. “To Duffy and freedom!”

“To Duffy!” everyone cried.

They downed their bourbon, a rich, heady single, and set the crystal onto the black veneer. They smacked their lips. They jostled in their seats. They waited.

“Are you ready for a second attempt?” Westmont pursed his lips. “If it’s not too soon to send you back out. Only, with the uprising gone square in Knife’s Edge itself, we need to redouble our efforts.”

Duffy smiled. “Of course.”

The smoky room bridled with possibility. Everyone, save Lucius, expected agreement. When the crippled blade singer clenched his cane’s tip, a photographic flicker, and leant forwards to say the opposite, tension twanged.

“I’ll go, but these men stay here.”

Victor half-snarled.

“Going alone is not what I had in mind, Mr Brandybuck…,” Westmont mused. He returned to his seat, a ripple of colour dancing over his velveteen doublet.

“I work quicker alone, and better. Victor is best as our ears, and Peter as our ‘spokesperson’,” by which Duffy meant recruiter. Though he now remembered irked by the dark elf as much as the Captain did, he was charismatic and undeniably slippery at getting others to pledge themselves to the cause.

…silence.

“What do you say, Victor?” Westmont enquired, turning to the broody man who had more than proven his right to take his talents to the frontline. Neither of the men could guess that solitary question threatened not one, but two worlds.

[Good for Nothing Captain]

Victor instantly regretted that bourbon. Nothing made him snarl as bad as that.

"Sorry about that, not a bourbon man," Victor moved the glass away from his seat.

It was up until this moment that Victor had a tempest in his mind. He certainly did not think so much doubt would once again be shot in his direction. The deaths of comrades was no easy thing, and seeing the wounded earlier did nothing to help his worries. People would always kill each other, always fight and die. But nothing Victor could do here and now could change that.

"These skirmishes of yours aren't my business," Victor kicked his feet up, letting them rest on Westmont's desk. The red-eyed man remembered why he had left the war. He knew once again that there were things out there he did not wish to lose, and he knew who's example he wanted to follow. He thought again of Rose, the woman who raised him and taught him all he knows. He remembered the orphanage she ran; where he and Peter met and grew up. He remembered that for all her wisdom and skill with a blade, she chose to refrain from war and bloodshed. She chose to stay behind and protect those things that were most important to her.

"I'm going to do what I've always done. . ." Victor shrugged, dropping his feet and turning for the door.

"Wait now, we could use you! How can you turn on your cause like this?" Westmont half-stood, attempting to rally Victor's patriotism.

But that well had dried long ago.

"It's not my cause. . . Never was. . ." Victor sighed, cleaning his ears with a pinky. "Petey, Lucius; best of luck." And with a short bow and a nod, Victor walked out.

"Wait, Victor, you'll get lost in the halls," Peter called out, "they are warded!"

"I'll be fine," Victor's voice echoed, "'lost in the woods is the only place I see a clear path,' remember?"

And with that, only three remained in the smoky room. Westmont and Peter could do little but shrug, changing the topic to the owner of those words, Commander Edward Valerian. While 'Duffy's' thoughts were his own.

[Lye]

Thread Title: League A (Interdivision): Agent 492 vs Good for nothing captain
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Lucius vs Good for nothing captain

---

Plot: 16 --- 15

• Story- 5/10---4/10

Story was one of the weaker portions of the thread. It may have been the competitive edge if the Quest Leagues, but the thread lacked substance. The opening was a pleasant bar scene where the interdimensional Lucius phases into a conversation with a random Althanian, Victor Valentine. The conversation almost instantly becomes natural, which can be part to do with Lucius’s past knowledge and the fact he was inserted into an already-occurring event. It does not prove for a stable foundation to build upon and this is made more prominent when an NPC causes the players to seek refuge elsewhere. This exponentially progressed their trust toward one another which was unnatural for two strangers. Since Lucius was inserted into the situation, a little leeway can be given. The story does not logically progress from there and the two recently acquainted men begin wandering off towards the frozen wilds. The pacing lulls here, and the story makes an attempt to develop more depth. Just as it seems to apex, Lucius becomes a Duffy look alike and seemingly, no one notices. Victor declines the vague assignment to aid the resistance and the thread ends. Numerous questions arise that the timeline of the event did not allow. What happens to Lucius now? Is the paradox fixed? Does Victor quite the resistance? Is Salvar spared from the upcoming turmoil? Too many questions flooded the little resolve provided. That being said, both players took turns being active and supportive roles, with Lucius’s mission being the presiding objective. Therefore, Lucius takes a slight lead over fleshing out the story.

• Setting- 6/10---7/10

The setting was the strong point of the thread. Though the transitions were shaky and didn’t quite make sense, the details given painted a strong picture. These details were primarily contributed by GFNC up until the later portions of the thread. The last two posts by Lucius had a stronger presence of setting than all prior posts. Though Lucius’s writing had a better flow and active voice, it didn’t play to the setting as well. Victor created a strong scene for the political state of Slavar with the locals not taking kindly to strangers. This is a cliché scene, but it does add to an atmosphere of tension. More details were given by Vincent as the two ventured to the resistance. Some of these, such as the riddled magic & hallways, were unclear in their purpose. Additional information as to why this was important would have strengthened its presence. Overall, the setting was painted well and created a strong idea of where the characters existed. To improve, remember that a setting is an environment. If there is something noteworthy for the reader to know or that will become important later, have the characters take notice instead of stating it. This will create more depth and character relation while also expanding on setting. An example where this could have been used was in the corridor scene mentioned above.

• Pacing- 5/10---4/10

The pacing of the thread moved along at a decent pace. Interactions in the beginning flowed smooth. The transition from the pub to the resistance was unclear, and put a kink in the otherwise steady pace. This continued to degrade as it moved into the resistance establishment. Dialogue became stiff, actions became haphazard (Minutes passed as the three walked in silence, each lost in thought. Victor’s…), and suddenly Lucius became Duffy and acted just like him. This all created a great manner of confusion in the end and brought the pleasant pacing to an abrupt halt. Victor also makes mention to seeing wounded men, but the previous scenes do not elude to such imagery. Unfortunately since GFNC seemed to lead most of the scene transitions, the beginning of the decline began during some of the unclear transitions from one location to another. Lucius did well in keeping up with the current setting until the final post.

---

Character: 19 --- 20

• Communication- 8/10---8/10

Communication was also a major strongpoint for the thread. Much of the story, purpose, and persona came through the dialogue with one another or NPCs. This was clearly the meat and potatoes of the thread, easily covering 50% of the writing. That being said, the dialogue stuck to the character. The trusting and depth to which the characters knew each other was also presented, but not supported by the actions. So in regards to the communication creating character depth and driving the story, it is certainly strong by both parties.

• Action-5/10---5/10

Several things hurt this area for both Lucius and GFNC. For Lucius, one minor issue occurred when Lucius was pat down for weapons. Although he was unarmed, a glowing box of future tech would have certainly caused some alarm when frisked. This was a missed opportunity for drama and suspense. For someone trying to maintain an interdimensional secrecy, that scene would have helped the overall story if emphasized. The second, larger infraction, was the transition from the Duffy look-alike to the holographic clone of Duffy. Some explanation was due as to why he transformed and why it didn’t seem to adversely affect the others present. This created a major disconnect in the story.

For Vincent, vague transitions of “minutes passed” and the scenes of them moving through the frigid wilds were a missed opportunity for more clarity. Pacing suffered due to the forced nature of those two scenes. Time spans can be filled or skipped as necessary to fit the story. Though the transition took some time, the details used to give this time presence were weak. The scene were Lucius threw a snowball seemed out of place. This was explained later on, but it was done through a manner that didn’t build suspense effectively. Some small prodding dialogue or additional flags would have built up the suspense that Victor suddenly realized his new comrade may be an enemy in disguise. Then Victor continues as though the provided explanation was enough, and eludes to have wanted Lucius to be a spy. All of this created some confusion and seems to have been included only to emphasize Peter’s annoying personality. This did not translate well to the reader and took some additional thought to assume, but it was still unclear. Some later dialogue or information to why a spy would knock Peter down a notch, either directly through dialogue or indirectly through actions, would have improved the purpose of that scene.

• Persona- 6/10---7/10

Both players played to their characters strongly. Victor certainly came off as a nonchalant anti-hero with the potential to command authority. He was portrayed as laid back and his integrations with others were generally comical. The conversation near the end where he left the room seemed a little forced. Some banter with Petey, or a similar element of his unique personality would have rectified this. As for Lucius, his paranoia played out strongly until the end. His concern, determination, and sharp wit all played through the writing. The only detracting factor was the disconnect near the end where his mission was still a priority, but his being discovered lost its suspense. Lucius lost his identity as an agent and quite literally became Duffy. Some mental cues toward panic or additional element of dramatic suspense could have strengthened that scene immensely.

---

Prose: 19 --- 16

• Mechanics- 7/10---5/10

Lucius wrote with the occasional error in comma usage. In most examples, additional commas were added to sentences when they were not needed. Although the attempt to emphasis was clear, it did detract from the pacing. Mispelled words were not much of an issue, but there was a phonetic error. In the last post “roll” should have been “role”. Also, the Bladesingers are a formal organization and all canon points to the word formatted as a proper compound word. In the post it was formatted “blade singer” and almost eludes that he sings to/with blades instead of being a member of an organization. A few errors in tense occurred in the same post, “He did not remembered to limp;” and “Though he now remembered irked by the dark elf…”. Run ons seemed non-existent, and active voice was strong. That last post was the weakest of the thread and overall mechanics were strong.

GFNC used much more passive voice and tense change. One example being: “Victor Valentine ‘shushed’ at the man to the right, letting gravity bring the chair down off its hind legs.” Though this makes sense logically, it puts the overall sentence in the present tense. Proper format would have been similar to “Victor Valentine ‘shushed’ at the man to the right as gravity brought the chair down off its hind legs.” It still conveys two actions happening simultaneously, but keeps the action in past tense. This occurs a few other times as the thread continues. Also, the overuse of “red-eyed” becomes mundane quickly. The usage is substantially less then what has been seen in previous threads, but could still use thinning. Using a two word descriptor as an adjective is a weak identifier of the subject character. Using red-eyed man, black-haired man, well-built man, etc. as your identifier seems like a haphazard attempt to describe the character and make him the subject. Replacing these with the soldier, the warrior, the captain, or even “Raukorad, as he was known…”, to allow usage of that nickname, would have been a better usage instead of hyphened identifiers. There were also missing commas between stacked adjectives, and for leading clauses. A few run ons were also noted, and lacked commas or periods.

• Clarity- 5/10---5/10

Due to prior examples in the other categories, clarity was damaged overall. If approached purely on presentation of action, Lucius had a more definitive style than GFNC. The writer knew what to say and how to convey it clearly. Unfortunately, the writer also missed out on key opportunities and opened more questions than answers for the story. GFNC opened some confusion based on tense change, and vague transitions to new settings, but provided most of the description needed to experience the atmosphere of each setting. All in all, the weaknesses balance the strengths for both parties.

• Technique- 7/10---6/10

GFNC opened with rich imagery, personification, similes, and metaphors. The opening foreshadow or allusion about space men was also a nice touch. The literary techniques stayed strong and tapered off near the end. Overall, the technique was there. Some scenes became mundane and would be perfect opportunities to include more of these techniques. Overall, GFNC had a strong identifying style.

Lucius sparingly used common literary techniques. Metaphors, similes, and onomatopoeias were identified throughout the writing. There was a possible strong foreshadowing with the glowing pack he was hiding, but this missed its mark to come full circle during the frisk. Though Lucius did not use traditional literary techniques, his style came forth in the active voice, active dialogue, and varied sentence structure to emphasis actions. Lucius creates a presentation that is very much like a good beside story and reads aloud quite well. Although other areas suffered as the thread came to a close, the technique and style persisted. Overall, Lucius had a strong personal style despite the sparingly used literary techniques.

---

Wildcard: 8 --- 8

It was exceptionally difficult to pry this quest apart in a competitive sense. This was part tribute to the nature of it being a collaborated quest, and part to do with the similar strengths of writing. Aside from the mentioned nuances, both writers were exceptionally strong. Should those mentioned errors have been given more thought during a read through, this thread would have scored substantially higher. I believe that the both of you need to work together on a thread that is not restricted by time. I believe that the two of you possess a potential dynamic to produce JC quality work. Though I did run into many questions and confusion, the reading itself was pleasant. Both players used canonical references and Lucius certainly put a creative twist on what I’ve seen in past threads. To rival that, Victor has such a likable personality that creates a wry smile as I read. For that, I’m keeping the Wildcard even – high points for Lucius’s creativity and use of canon, and high points for GFNC’s presentation of character and entertaining interactions.

---

Final Score: 62---59

Lucius Wins!:

• 600 EXP!
• 83 GP!

Congratulations!


Good for nothing captain Receives:

• 615 EXP!
• 70 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Awarded!

Lucius gains a Level to Level 2!