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Thread: Goodbye, Goodbye

  1. #11
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    Ruby stepped back panting. She dropped her sword to her side. Her ribs ached. Her forehead beaded with sweat. Her heart beat so heavy in her chest she swooned with every pulse. Her anger abated somewhat, and in its place, calculations and plotting took over.

    “Why now, Oblivion? What is so special about today?” He had all the time in the world to break free from the reliquary. The troupe were all too aware their defeat of Lucian, one of his shadows, was only a temporary cessation. War would always find them.

    “The one you call Jensen Ambrose,” the creature smiled. He clicked his fingers, and the final piece of his costume crackled into existence. A mask, draconic in appearance, levitated a few feet in front of him. “A little misadventure with a bullet, an elf, and bravado unbound gave me self-belief.”

    Ruby raised an eyebrow. She wiped her forehead. She snorted phlegm. “I find it hard to believe you need any ego boost.”

    “Sleep dulls the senses.” He took the mask and slotted it into place. For the first time in centuries, he was whole. He stood before Ruby as he had done before his exile. “No longer will I allow my fear to rule. I am untested. I am unopposed. I am the sole wielder of The Tap.”

    Ruby scoffed.

    Oblivion cocked his head to one side. “What is so humorous?”

    The falter was all she needed.

    “You think you’re the only one who can manipulate the wellsprings?” She sorely wished he were. That way, when they defeated him at last, the realm beyond realms would be lost to Althanas for good. “A few friends of mine would like to put that misconception to rest.”

    She crossed her arms, disbanded her blade, and unleashed the rage in her heart. All the hesitation that had prevented her from making her promise to Duffy faded. Two wings of fire, as hot as lava, and mightier still, erupted from her fingertips. She loosed them as she shot her arms wide. They scoured the air from the streets, and warmed the autumnal chill into a summer swelter. Oblivion, surprised by her potency, flickered from the island in a web of blue ribbons. A melancholic minor scale lingered in his wake. Music as sour as it was toneless.

    “We will find you!” she screamed. She fell to her knees.

    The wings left two blackened swathes of destruction across the street. They lanced over the white privet fence of her neighbour, and undid weeks of hard work on their pristine jade lawn. Thick black smoke trailed up from stubs of evergreens. The street glowed white-hot where the Phoenix had formed strongest.

    “I promise to do what is needed, Duffy…,” she wheezed. “I’m sorry I doubted.”

    She struggled to breathe. Only when at her weakest did she realise just how injured she was. She looked at her dress, which smouldered but remained intact. She saw patches of blood trickling down her bosom, arms, and fingers.
    Last edited by Duffy; 11-30-13 at 11:45 AM.

  2. #12
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    Oblivion brazenly stood before the golden gates of the palace. He did not attempt to hide his true nature. The wide courtyard abandoned, its guards fled, its markets devoid of customers. Maple and sycamore lined the outer region, solitary colour against a redbrick backdrop. He looked up at the towers on the eastern wing, where the Knights of Brae met, and the Queen held court.

    “Oh how I have waited,” he gloated with smugness. He had woven threads for centuries to stand here today. All that remained was one bitter, mortal, and noble born woman. “’esturu nihman, iliac nihman!” he proclaimed.

    His conjuration brought ether to his fingertips. His claws flickered with azure light. The glow manifested as twin rapiers. They shifted, settling in form as two long swords. He raised them, and slammed them together, so that they formed one single, pulsating blade.

    “Did you think you’d get away with this, Oblivion?” a voice whispered. Only the Forgotten One heard it.

    “I all but have, bard,” he retorted. If he had a tongue, it would have lashed serpentine like from lips. “You are buried, the Edict is destroyed, and no-one can stand in my way.”

    From within the Aria, Duffy could see Oblivion’s downfall clear as day. Though he had lost the battle to contain the Forgotten One, the war was not yet lost. There was still just enough hope left in the world to keep him fighting. He was certain that although Ruby had refused to promise him one last request, she, Lillith, and Arden, would not rest until Oblivion died for the last time.

    “That’s just it,” he gloated. “No-one person could ever match your power. You forget one thing about your legacy to the Tantalum.” The simple fact was the troupe were never one to stand-alone. Every inch of their journey to the here and now was in good company. Even through the darkest times, they never stood alone. That was one lesson Duffy hoped to teach egotists like Jensen and Sei Orlouge in time.

    Oblivion smirked. He lowered the blade to his right side, and advanced towards the palace gates. There was malefic in his stride that bowed the rocks beneath his phantasmal feet. His aura stole the life from the square. His presence poisoned the very fabric of Scara Brae. His toxic reach seeped out across the city. Birds fled. Dogs whimpered. Children cried and mewed in their cribs.

    “Your bitch is cowed, your hound leashed, and your ‘sister’ is waylaid with the oni.” Though he had no mouth, Duffy saw him smile beneath the mask of bone and granite. “Nobody will come to your aid, Lysander.”

    The use of Duffy’s true name, his first, ran down his spine. It made him feel disgust at his own existence. Oblivion had always held that over the troupe. He was, after all, their creator.

    “You always forget there are five of us.”

    Oblivion frowned. He slashed with his sword, and levelled the gate to Valeena’s stronghold.
    Last edited by Duffy; 11-30-13 at 11:48 AM.

  3. #13
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    Epilogue
    Scara Brae, the Throne Room

    When the smoke cleared, and the rubble stopped rolling across the floor, guards swarmed from barracks and bastions. Alarms rang out atop the tallest towers of the palace. A messenger scuttled through the cloisters of the gardens. Brackish water bubbled in ornate fountains. Roses danced in the cool, oblivious breeze. The moment he darted into the throne room, he delivered a single, hurried message to the queen. She remained unresponsive to the news, as though it were expected.

    “The palace is under attack, your majesty,” the servant repeated.

    Valeena nodded. She waved him away, and clapped her hands. This indicated the gathered dignitaries should depart. With a hustle of shuffled feet, they began to do so in an orderly manner. Valeena leant back into her throne, rested a chin on a pensive finger, and put all the pieces of her intricate puzzle together. One thing troubled her above all other problems.

    “He is early…”

    “Your majesty?” her consulate enquired. The tall, wiry man stood a few steps beneath his highness. His hands folded in the small of his back, moustache perfectly curled, and his sense of duty boundless.

    “The creature that came to tell me to abolish the edict was an imposter, my good man. The real Duffy Brandybuck came days before that, to tell me to ‘go with the man’s suggestions’. He was not supposed to be so brazen in his ‘triumph’.” Wizened eyes settled on the door, as though she resigned to the attacker making it this far into the palace.

    “Your majesty, might I be so bold?”

    “You seldom need to ask, Pettigrew,” she replied with a sharp tone.

    “You knowingly let a tap manipulator into the palace, and did not inform me of this?” He raised an eyebrow. It was as much of a show of contempt as he allowed whilst keeping his head.

    “Pettigrew, Duffy Brandybuck promised me I would be safe. I do not know how, or whom he has called upon…but when a man like that says goodbye, goodbye, it’s seldom for long.”

    Pettigrew tried to work out what she meant, but swiftly gave up. He turned, sentry like to face the door that lead out into the corridor. If the queen was correct, and she was never wrong, they were to expect guests. He sorely wished he were still on equal terms with his theatrical brother. Then again, he had fought so hard for independence, what was he to expect?

    “I hear he is never one to keep his promises,” he said, a dry tone marking it as his final comment.

    Valeena chuckled. “You under estimate how politics works. A good leader never makes promises himself; he thrives by getting other people to keep theirs.”

    She resumed her vigil. This day would decide the island’s fate. Today was a turning point. For the first time in decades, the Valeena family were all but powerless. Hope lay with the broken, outcaste, and selfless few who had died a thousand deaths for freedom’s sake.

    To be continued in Bard to Death.
    Last edited by Pettigrew; 11-30-13 at 11:49 AM.

  4. #14
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    Lichensith Ulroké
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    Thread Title: Goodbye, Goodbye
    Judgment Type: Full Rubric/Full Commentary
    Participants: Tantalus & Pettigrew



    Plot: 23/30

    • Story- 8/10

    All in all, the thread read like an elaborate introduction to a vastly complex story. It stood well on its own and the characters were fleshed out in a short period of time. The detail, flow, and technique were effective in creating an alternate reality to which the reader can escape. Although some questions did arise, proper indication to other segments of the story were given. Only in the epilogue was there a detachment from the overall feel of the writing. The transition was sudden during such a climactic point, and detracted slightly from the cliff hanger feel. Overall, well written and quite elaborate.

    • Setting- 7/10

    Imagery was clear and efficient. Nothing seemed too overplayed or underwritten. Characters interacted with the environment and vice versa. The kitchen scene was a prime example. This tapered off in the epilogue and left it wanting in comparison to the rest of the story.

    • Pacing- 8/10

    Only two or three noticeable errors. Very little usage of passive voice. The story read firm and decisive, rarely allowing a break from the false reality created through the words. Not much can be said to strengthen this area aside from fine tuning in future writing. The independent clauses mid sentence were slightly overused even though they were still effective. More diversity in sentence structure may increase overall flow.



    Character: 21.5/30

    • Communication- 7.5/10

    The story quickly built a strong dynamic between Duffy and Ruby without having to state back-story or abuse inner monologue. The reader can identify from each perspective and generate the feeling of tension between the two. The influx of sadness and hatred was repetitive, but to a proper degree considering the gravity of the situation. That dynamic shattered at the emergence of Oblivion. Between the emergence and the epilogue, some of that intensity was lost. Ruby reacted with the appropriate rage, but a quiver of despair or sorrow during the battle would have strengthened those scenes.

    • Action-6.5/10

    Many of the character movements were mundane in the start of the thread. They did serve a purpose to make the setting and conversation more natural. Usage of props in the kitchen scene to express anger or frustration were exceptionally effective in their purpose. Combat seemed a little rigid and somewhat cliche. Considering the gravity of the situation built between Duffy and Ruby, the battle could have had more emotional vestment. The overwhelming power of Oblivion was certainly clear, but there was a lack of believable struggle. Perhaps if Duffy's consciousness first showed some struggle in that battle versus the entrance to the castle, it would have fleshed out better. The subtle but iconic actions that occurred between Duffy and Ruby were strong. Finding a way to carry that type of impact throughout would make the piece masterful.

    • Persona- 7.5/10

    It was clear that each individual character held a distinct personality. Often, personalities become mottled by the writer's own way of thought and eventually become shadows of the author instead of their own. This did not happen in this thread. Duffy, Ruby, the queen, and Pettigrew all had a distinct presence. Oblivion was the only character that could have had a greater impact as the antagonist. The other characters build him up as a terrible evil, but this didn't necessarily show through in his own actions. Unfortunately, this segment of the overall greater story has not given him enough screen time to truly evolve as a presence. This will emerge in the continued story.



    Prose: 23/30

    • Mechanics- 7/10

    Only one or two spelling errors existed. Mostly a missed letter to indicate between tense or an additional "o" to distinguish between "to" and "too". These are easy to slip over when proof reading. Sentence structure varied effectively, but the use of breaks to include additional detail became very apparent. In some instances, this was an effective tool to build drama. In others, it provided surplus pauses in reading that could have been smoothed out by switching the sentence structure. Very little use of passive voice overall.

    • Clarity- 7/10

    Sentences relayed information without need to review. Aside from the issues mentioned in mechanics, the clarity was smooth and effortless. As mentioned in pacing, the epilogue had a sudden transition and would have been stronger with more connecting details to the rest of the thread.

    • Technique- 9/10

    The author has a very distinct style that speaks with a sense of muse. The words tended to flow as if they had a rhythm. Whereas the pauses did interrupt the flow in some areas, they gave a piece a near lyrical feel. The writing almost had a tempo. Given that the characters in the thread were of some musical or theatrical nature, this created an interesting dynamic. Finding the proper balance with this near-musical feel and mechanical flow will prove to be a unique signature of the author.



    Wildcard: 8.5/10

    There was effective use of canon and the story had a purpose to the overall world of Althanas. The land of Scara Brae was clearly important to the troupe, and this great evil was focused to defile it. These little things are important to gaining headway in the wildcard. More importantly, the wildcard is where I can be more personal. Therefore, I have said this before in other threads: I hate reading. It's an odd quality to have for someone that likes to write and it is a unique experience to find a fellow writer that can not only get me engaged in the first post, but keep me hooked throughout the thread. I look for authors that can detach me from reality and cast me into another world of their making. This thread certainly did just that. The only two times I was pushed out of the false reality was during the battle/emergence of Oblivion, and the epilogue scene with Pettigrew. These were not appalling by any means, but they did loosen their grasp on my attention. Still, I cannot help but thank you for your ability to make me enjoy reading. Please, please keep up the good work.



    Final Score: 76/100

    Tantalus receives:

    • 2,340 EXP!
    • 175 GP!


    Pettigrew receives:

    • 115 EXP!
    • 15 GP!

    Congratulations!
    "All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."
    - Anonymous


  5. #15
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    Lichensith Ulroké
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    EXP & GP Added!
    "All mortal men possess the capacity to do evil. Some are simply more capable than others."
    - Anonymous


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