Round 1 Veteran: Steppenwolf Orlouge Vs Taste Of Treason

[Steppenwolf Orlouge]

I stood with a smile and walked towards Cellar Door, grabbing her in a big bear hug and lifting her off of the ground before setting her back upon it. There was a joyous feeling in the pite of my stomach, as if I had just ate my fill of my favorite food. I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and began to walk towards the exit, when a monk appeared before us.

His bald head glistened in the light, and his squinty eyes glared at us, not very pleased with the way that things had worked out between Cellar and I. “Lord Orlouge, Miss Door, “ he said in a very thick eastern Akashima accent, “I am afraid that a winner must be declared between the two of you before we can allow you to leave. I am sorry, but that is the rules of the Magus Cup.”

I sighed, shifting my eyes as I took a step back, waving for Cellar to come towards me. “Well, you heard the man kid. Hit me with your best shot.”

Cellar nodded, winding up a punch and slamming it square into my arm. The blow did not hurt, but I fell to the ground anyways, my eyes closed. I could hear the monk above me sigh and declare Cellar the winner. I could tell he knew I was faking the blow; anyone who had been in the audience would have seen the bad acting on my part. Regardless, we succeeded in fulfilling the condition for the Magus Cup. As the arena disappeared, I stood up again, waving off the various monks coming forward to help me.

"Now then, its about time we were getting to know you," I smiled as I walked out with Cellar, humming the same tune she had been vocalizing.

[Max Dirks]

This was a surprisingly close battle. Also, it was fairly well written given that I know 1st person is usually outside both of your comfort zones. Since you're veterans, I'll spare you from my beginner commentary. Individual comments are below. I'll be combining my commentary. TOT refers to Taste of Treason and SO refers to Steppenworf Orlouge.

	Taste of Treason	Steppenwolf Orlouge	Notes
Story	5	5	I'm not sure you two needed to tournament backdrop to make this a compelling story. It gave excellent pieces of each character's history and foreshadowed (what I hope) are more adventures to come.
Setting	3	4	SO: Continually checking in on the tournament here scored you an extra point.
Pacing	5	5
Communication	4	4
Action	4	3	There was more character development than action in this battle, which is fine. SO: finding a previously prepared submarine sandwich in Steppenwolf's (bottomless) pants pockets was a bit unrealistic for Althanas. The worst part is that it became an unnatural focal point in an otherwise setting appropriate story.
Persona	7	5	TOT: Cellar's hunger and hatred for the Orlouges was incredibly well written. When Cellar learned Steppenwolf was an Orlouge, I too wanted to hate the dastardly mystics for what they'd done (even though I had no idea what they'd done). Excellent job of controlling the pace of your writing by using short sentences.
Mechanics	5	6	TOT: You had a few run-on sentences. You also had several non-dialogue sentences that ended with prepositions. What sunk it for you, though, was you used 'your' instead of 'you're' in post 4, killing an otherwise perfect moment.
Clarity	6	6
Technique	6	6
Wildcard	5	5
Total	50/100	49/100

Taste of Treason Advances to Round Two!
Steppenwolf Orlouge continues on in the Loser's Bracket.

Taste of Treason receives 1750 EXP and 50 GP!
Steppenwolf Orlouge receives 525 EXP and 49 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!

Taste of Treason Levels!

Congratulations!