Hysteria vs Tobias Stalt

[Hysteria]

The dark youth's hand reached out to Tobias's chest. The broken soldier's remaining hand held its broken partner in defeat; not lifting as Talen's hand pressed against his chest. It could have ended there, a release of the energy already primed in Talen's hand would remove the last threads of resistance from the soldier. It would be easy... too easy. Talen gripped Tobias's shirt and pushed the soldier backwards into a sitting position on one of the tables. The youth's feet trudged through the thick blood soaked carpet. The room was a mess, littered with the debris of the fight. Now Talen's and Tobias's bloody foot prints were added to the calamity.

Behind Talen the sound of guards running echoed up from the stairs. The men's loyalty to their leader overriding their orders was another indication to the young shadowmancer that Tobias was not a blood thirsty savage like some of the other Crimson Hand. It was because of that, and despite himself, that Talen tore a strip of sleeve off Tobias's hurt arm. Talen wrapped the fabric above the break and pulled it tight. The flowing blood slowed to a trickle with the make-shift tourniquet. Talen's hands were covered with the soldier's blood as he stepped back, but this time it could be washed off.

“You're on the wrong side Little Hand.” Talen's voice was soft as the guards burst into the room. The youth's blue eyes stared at Tobias's face for a moment longer and then he was gone, replaced with a quickly dispersing fog.

Talen reappeared outside the room. His body once against covered with the dark cloak that had accompanied him. It flicked in the air as Talen took flight. The boy kept his hands by his sides as he flew, he wouldn't look at them again until he had a chance to wash off the blood.

[Silence Sei]

Hysteria/Tobias Stalt


Story- 4/6

Hysteria, you never fully explained why Talen was there other than saying he was just another cog in the machine. Toby established he was at the bar because he was busy apprehending a criminal for his organization, and even tried to tie in the fate of the other NPC soldiers as he fought on. Even something as simple as "Talen saw Crimson Hand people and attacked them because they're evil" would have sufficed better than no explanation at all.



Setting- 4/4

Neither one of you used the setting to the best of your abilities. more focused on what your characters saw than anything else. Tobias dying could have involved the coppery taste of blood in his mouth. Tears streamed down Toby's face as he died, but how did they feel upon his face? I'm not one to usually point out that a character needs to be more involved with their senses, but other than what your characters saw, there was very rarely an instance where I could easily put myself in your characters shoes.



Pacing- 5/5

Your pacing was nothing short of average, bordering on below average. The thread essentially went "Hi, sup? Fight now. I'm dead." While such things are alright, this felt slightly rushed to me. Assassins Creed 3 is a perfect example on how one can be slow and deliberate and still crank up the tension meter to 11. The way Connor sits at the table for a good 5 minutes just talking before he releases that final kill on his foe makes the anticipation and build up more than worth it. A few more posts of snarky banner between two very vocal warriors would have improved the score here is what I'm saying.



Communication- 5/5

Nothing stood out here in terms of dialogue, but nothing sparked that would have made me dock points either. The tension between the two fo your characters were quite clear, and while each has their own unique voice, the dialogue itself felt dry.



Action- 7/6


Here's where Hysteria just eeked by with an extra post with the way he used Talen in this fight. Tobias is a clever man and even though he was clearly outgunned here, I wanted to see the use of the setting as a means to distract or even give himself a somewhat decent underdog shot against his foe. That being said, Toby's straightforward approach was worthy of being scored higher than the average.

Persona- 7/8

Toby has a clear displeasure for his opponent in this fight and Talen plays a reluctant warrior and hero to a T. The defiant Tobias gets a better score here because even in the face of overwhelming odds he stands against an opponent that far outclasses him and continues to give them the bird. Character traits like that are great way to make your guy stand out in a crowd.


Mechanics- 4/4

Several mistakes early on from both of you weighed this score down. You improved in your grammatical and spelling errors as time went on, but things like "the Soldier rendered a court martial to an Elf." (Toby post 1) and "His sword was drawn in an instant and he made to lung at Talen." (Hysteria Post 1) made for some mistakes that could have been easily remedied with a quick look through and edit.



Clarity- 7/7

No major problems here on either side. There was a time or two where a read through a certain paragraph was needed, particularly Hysteria's early post about the soldier who was spared by his own dumb luck, but other than that you guys did a good job.



Technique- 6/6


No particular literary techniques used here that were really outstanding. The symbolism of Tobias' death and Talen's insistence on referring to Tobi as the Little Red Hand were enough to warrant some extra points though.


Wildcard: 5/5

This was a decent read on both of your parts. There's nothing really more I can comment on.

Final score: 54/56

The winner is

Tobias Stalt!

Tobias Stalt Receives 3250 Exp, 150 GP

Hysteria receives 1465 Exp, 100 GP

xp and gp added (I can post here that I've done it!) - Hyst