And so it begins

[matthewrramon]

"You had better come back." Matthew said scornfully to Gavner as he prepared to leave the colony.

They were in the room that Matt had let Gavner sleep in on their stay. It was a simple black with a dark colored dresser and a single mattress on the floor. Matt had wanted Gavner to stay longer so he could study the bond between Matthew and Gavner but Gavner had insisted he be on his way. Matt had concluded that the bond between Gavner and Matthew had gotten stronger in the time that they were together. Gavner had developed a minor physical link to Matthew, feeling potent feelings that he felt, but Matthew did not feel anything Gavner felt physically. Matthew did, however, feel potent emotions that Gavner felt.

"I will Matthew, I promise." Gavner said. "I just have some business to attend to with the clan. I will return as soon as I am finished, don't go anywhere."

"But I want to come with you!" Matthew whined.

"Matthew, you of all people should know that the clan does not tolerate humans in the stronghold." Gavner said soberly.

"But I created the freaking clan!" Exclaimed Matthew.

"Yes but they do not know that." Gavner said, remaining calm and patient. "You know the penalty of trespassing during a council is death."

"Yeah," Matthew said slowly. "But-"

"I will not be gone for long." Gavner said, "Give me a few months. I'll be back before you know it."

Matthew grunted begrudgingly but fell silent. He knew that arguing would not help anything. Gavner and Matthew left the room and made their way to the wall at the edge of the city. The guard called down and Gavner told him he was leaving.

"One moment, I must obtain authorization to transport you across." The guard called down.

"Goodbye Gavner," Matthew said feeling sad.

"Aww don't be sad Matthew, I will be back real soon!" Gavner replied.

"Okay... Keep in touch alright?"

"I will." Gavner said with a smile. The guard appeared at the top of the wall, stating Gavner had authorization to leave the colony.

"Wait wait wait!" Matthew said, "we need a secret handshake!"

"A what?" Gavner said confusedly.

"A secret hand shake. Here, hold out your hand."

Matthew established a handshake which consisted of hitting the palm of each others' hands, the back of each others' hands, touching their elbows and bringing their two index fingers up to their canines like fangs and hissing like cats. After saying goodbye Gavner was transported out of sight with a bright flash of light and Matthew was left staring at the wall. Turning around, Matthew headed in towards the city. There was so much to explore, and virtually nothing he could not do. He couldn't wait to get started.

[Quentin Boone]

Thread Title: And so it begins
Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric
Participants: matthewrramon, matthewkuch

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Plot: 11/30
The thread had a LOT of potential for a great story, despite being very meta. Instead, it flew by in more or less a void and made very little sense - more of which will be discussed in other categories. The pacing was far too quick; and a slowing down of that pace would have helped establish some of the plot points better in a way that would have brought it to life instead of things simply falling into the reader's lap with little context. While there were attempts at describing setting, for the most part it was missing and lacked the detail to really immerse the reader. Using all five senses is essential to building a realistic, immersive setting that draws the reader into your story.

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Character: 11/30
Character is where this story could have really shone: The teenager finding himself in the fantas world he wrote and meeting the characters he had created. It offered the opportunity for confusion, disbelief and outright denial mixed with fear, apprehension and hostility from those he tried to tell. Instead, Matthew just accepted it and moved on, not even trying to find some way back. Gavner and Matt's near-instant acceptance of Matthew's story also did not fit with what the reader would expect. Gavner's reluctant acceptance could have been believable given the information that nobody else could know that Matthew told him, but Matt's seemingly blind acceptance didn't ring true in the slightest. A higher score could have been achieved if you had included some of the more realistic and expected emotions and reactions listed above.

It's also worth noting that communication was quite weak. Except for the sailors early on in the thread, everyone sounded the same. This can be avoided by adding different mannerisms and actions to form each character's own individuality. Matthew could have used more modern speech patterns and words to denote his origin, for example.

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Prose: 13/30
Your spelling was generally okay, although there were multiple grammatical errors throughout the thread. It is definitely worth proofreading your writing, or at the least put it a word processor with grammar checker, as this would have picked up most errors.

The simplistic manner of the writing was a double edged sword: It helped to maintain a general clarity, but lacked any techniques such as metaphors to add colour to the writing. By taking the time to describe setting and emotions further, you will naturally improve here as they are perfect places for natural metaphors. At times, however, the writing was difficult to follow due to issues with pacing and setting. Large jumps in time left the reader wondering what had happened in the missing time. A prime example of this is after the ship hit a rock. The thread immediately moved to a talent show, instead of giving any further explanation of how the disaster was dealt with. Clarity also suffered due to your lack of setting, as it became very difficult to really place the characters within their environment to know where they really were.

If you work on the areas of the rubric, your prose score will improve on its own, so don't worry too much about it, except for proof-reading.

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Wildcard: 3/10
Overall, I was disappointed by what could have been a fantastic, character-driven story. I did award an extra point to the wildcard, though, for thinking of such a meta plot idea. I just wish it had been better executed.

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Final Score: 38/100

matthewrramon receives:

• 615 EXP!
• A microphone that amplifies intended words spoken within ten feet of it to a radius of 50 yards. If the microphone is held no more than a foot from the user's mouth, it will project any words in a perfect of the voice of whomever its user wants to emulate.

matthewkuch receives:

• 612 EXP!
• 76 GP!

Congratulations!

Please reference this post as proof of spoils as and when required. Also be aware that the microphone cannot be used to deceive in any way or in battles. This includes using it as a blunt weapon.

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added.